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Where is CEP When He's Needed?

Postby ChiefThunderbutt on Mar 16 2017 10:34 am

We need someone well versed in the art of insults to take on the bottled water industry. I seldom use the stuff but on occasion find myself in a situation where it's either a drink of Clorox tasting water from a fountain or a bottle of much better tasting water from a nearby vending machine. The problem is that most of the plastic bottles are extremely flimsy and are filled all the way to the top. Get a good grip on the bottle as you twist off the cap and chances are that when the cap comes off a good percentage of the contents will end up in your lap and everyone will think you pissed your pants.

Gee wilikers, gol dang it, gosh darn, dang nab it, I'm dying here and need help with some expletives.
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Re: Where is CEP When He's Needed?

Postby Jack Schitt on Mar 16 2017 10:54 am

He was logged in as of Monday, so he's still lurking. Come on CEP, let us see how a pro flames.
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Re: Where is CEP When He's Needed?

Postby prarie doggin on Mar 17 2017 7:18 pm

The bottled water companies are using as thin a plastic they can to hold the water and not crush when stacked up in cases. It's all about cost savings and they don't give a rats ass if someone with sausage fingers can't open one without shooting water out the top. Chief, buy the gallon jugs of spring water and fill a glass soda jar, or sturdy plastic bottle as needed. You should look at the generic waters and as long as the source is listed as a spring in a pristine area and not Flint Michigan or something, you should have good water. I'm sure CEP has some pretty good sources for great water in Idaho. I will be flying up to Ak this summer and driving a rig back for a customer. I plan to load up a few dozen cases of local water that I used to ship out of from Wasilla. The water is actually tapped from beneath a glacier and had fallen as snow about 80,000 years ago. I've tasted nothing like it in my life.

Chief, blaming your sweaty balls on some spilled water is pretty lame.
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Re: Where is CEP When He's Needed?

Postby tuba cheeks on Mar 30 2017 8:10 pm

Right after they take on the fucking potato chip companies that seal their bags too well.

It takes so much goddamned force to open a bag of munchies these days, that the cocksucking thing lets go all of a sudden and explodes everywhere!

AND those dog fucking potholes outside coffee shops. I swear, next time I get hot coffee shot up my nose, or splashed all over my shirt and dashboard, I'm going to take a shit on someone's doorstep...
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Re: Where is CEP When He's Needed?

Postby prarie doggin on Mar 31 2017 7:36 am

Tuba, I usually leave my coffee in the cup holder for about 5 miles or so. That way about 3/4 of it splashes out and the rest is easy to handle.

I didn't say it was economical.
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Re: Where is CEP When He's Needed?

Postby ChiefThunderbutt on Mar 31 2017 10:36 am

tuba cheeks wrote:Right after they take on the fucking potato chip companies that seal their bags too well.

It takes so much goddamned force to open a bag of munchies these days, that the cocksucking thing lets go all of a sudden and explodes everywhere!

AND those dog fucking potholes outside coffee shops. I swear, next time I get hot coffee shot up my nose, or splashed all over my shirt and dashboard, I'm going to take a shit on someone's doorstep...


A pox on the snack business, they are in cahoots with Social Security to get old people off the roles by starving them. Arthritis makes those bags impossible for we geezers to open.

I take a decongestant that comes on a card in a plastic bubble that is marked in the place you're supposed to tear it open. Does it tear open there? Not unless you use a pair of scissors first.

My kitchen scissors come apart for easy cleaning. If I loose one of the pieces what do I have left, a scissor?
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Re: Where is CEP When He's Needed?

Postby prarie doggin on Mar 31 2017 6:32 pm

Chief, those chip bags and even the single serve ketchup packets open up real easy if you back your car over them. Honestly I don't know why you haven't thought of that yourself.
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Re: Where is CEP When He's Needed?

Postby Deja Poo on Jun 07 2017 8:06 pm

Oh, c'mon. Potato chip bags can't be that difficult. Go to your local big box home improvement store. DeWalt must make at least a hundred products that can deal easily with one of those bags.
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Re: Where is CEP When He's Needed?

Postby ChiefThunderbutt on Jun 08 2017 2:28 pm

Where have you been for so long Deja?

In answer to your comment I can't afford to go shopping at a big box store thanks to the damage a recent storm did to my yard. The tops were knocked out of several trees and one large oak was even uprooted. The cost for having six trees removed was 2,000 dollars. Luckily the tree that was uprooted fell away from my house or I would be out even more. :-(
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Re: Where is CEP When He's Needed?

Postby prarie doggin on Jun 08 2017 7:12 pm

Chief, don't spend $2000 to remove those trees. For about $300 you can buy a chain saw and a months worth of extra life insurance.

Hey Deja!
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Re: Where is CEP When He's Needed?

Postby tuba cheeks on Jun 08 2017 7:46 pm

How about the asshole popcorn companies that leave a double handful of unpopped kernals in every bag??? I'm fucking tired of finding them when I grab a handful and stuff it in my face. (the proper way to eat popcorn- you KNOW you do it, too!)

You chomp down on one of those goddamned things, and it feels like you just chipped a tooth or broke a filling!

Speaking of running things over to open them, I once ran over some dirty fuck's piss bottle in a parking lot. I heard a loud boom, followed by a geyser of yellow water and watched the cap ricochet off of another truck... For fuck's sake, you pigs- use the goddamned trash cans- it's what they're there for!!!
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Re: Where is CEP When He's Needed?

Postby ChiefThunderbutt on Jun 09 2017 11:40 am

tuba cheeks wrote:How about the asshole popcorn companies that leave a double handful of unpopped kernals in every bag??? I'm fucking tired of finding them when I grab a handful and stuff it in my face. (the proper way to eat popcorn- you KNOW you do it, too!)

You chomp down on one of those goddamned things, and it feels like you just chipped a tooth or broke a filling!...



The American Dental Association probably pays them to do that. I had a dentist friend a few years back who said he made lots of money repairing the damage those things did.


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Re: Where is CEP When He's Needed?

Postby prarie doggin on Jun 09 2017 2:02 pm

Tuba I'm sure you've seen the well stocked shelves of piss bottles on the GWB approach shoulders. A heady combination of various bottles left by both homeless beggars and pissed off truckers stuck in non-moving traffic. A sight to behold!

Tuba, here's a handy hint. Cut off a small bit of a bottom corner of the bag and shake out the old grannys.

I remember many years back when I was delivering in lower Manhattan. There was a giant bloated sewer rat in the road on a busy pedestrian corner. In a perfectly executed turn, I ran over the thing with my trailer tires. I remember hearing a loud pop followed by horrifying screams. Made my day.
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Re: Where is CEP When He's Needed?

Postby Deja Poo on Jun 09 2017 5:52 pm

And "Howdy" back to all of you.
tuba cheeks wrote:How about the asshole popcorn companies that leave a double handful of unpopped kernals


Asshole popcorn? I've eaten caramel popcorn, but never asshole popcorn. Are you sure those were unpopped kernels? It might have been undigested peanuts.

tuba cheeks wrote:You chomp down on one of those goddamned things, and it feels like you just chipped a tooth or broke a filling!


Yeah, for some reason, I think I would be more worried about the taste and the germs than the consistency and the texture.
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Re: Where is CEP When He's Needed?

Postby ChiefThunderbutt on Jun 10 2017 1:27 pm

Deja Poo wrote:And "Howdy" back to all of you.
tuba cheeks wrote:How about the asshole popcorn companies that leave a double handful of unpopped kernals


Asshole popcorn? I've eaten caramel popcorn, but never asshole popcorn. Are you sure those were unpopped kernels? It might have been undigested peanuts.

tuba cheeks wrote:You chomp down on one of those goddamned things, and it feels like you just chipped a tooth or broke a filling!


Yeah, for some reason, I think I would be more worried about the taste and the germs than the consistency and the texture.


So I should probably steer clear of the popcorn that says "Homeless Bum Rimjob Flavor" ??
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