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ASSault On My Nostrils

PostPosted: Feb 15 2014 3:52 am
by Jack Schitt
I grew up in a family that has always been pretty lax when it comes to farts. In fact, it's damned near impossible to offend anyone in my family with a mere fart (most of them would actually be pretty good additions to PR). I also have a very blue collar group of friends that appreciate a good fart or poop story. I once worked with a close friend, that I swear to this day has undiagnosed digestive issues. We were drinking buddies at the time, and I could tell what he had drank the night before based on how rank he was at work. Until recently he possessed what I believed to be the stinkiest ass ever. Long story short, I've got quite the resume of experience in the world of farts. I might also add that given the ages of my children, I've been changing shitty diapers daily for the last four years.

About a year ago our company hired a guy that was previously a full time truck driver. Now he primarily drives a truck for us but also does whatever the job calls for. A few weeks ago I got a call from my boss in a panic asking me if I could come in as soon as possible. Our office seriously under-bid a portion of the contract that dealt with signs needing to be posted before we could start the actual job, and they needed a relief crew to take over posting said signs so that we could start work the following night.

This guy and I got to our yard and headed out to the job in our mechanic's service truck loaded down with all the extra material that the earlier crew had forgotten to bring. Sorry, I'm rambling. We went to a location to unload a bunch of stuff to close an on ramp semi-permanently. We had just finished unloading and were about to leave for another location. I climbed into the driver's seat waiting for my passenger to get in the truck when I heard him from the sidewalk mutter, "uh oh" Before I could ask what was the matter my nose let me know. Now let me reiterate, he was not in the truck yet. "Uh oh" also didn't mean that he shit himself, this was a fart from out side the vehicle.

After a few seconds the smell was so bad that I had to exit the vehicle that he hadn't even entered yet. I was gagging so bad that I actually threw up right there in the street. I cranked up the a/c to high with both doors open and walked around the truck for a couple minutes to try to clear it out. After what should have been adequate time I re-entered the truck and sat down. I immediately started gagging again and had to exit the vehicle once more. Again I puked all over the street. I've experienced some awful farts in my day, but nothing that ever induced vomiting. After the stench cleared enough to re-enter the truck I gave the guy a well deserved, "congratulations", followed by a "fuck you, you nasty bastard". He is a rather timid guy so I wanted to reassure him that no matter how disgusted I was, he should be very proud of his accomplishment.

After reading about some of Tuba Cheeks' accomplishments I've began to wonder if he moved to California and started driving for a construction company, or if all long haul truckers have rotten guts. My assailant can't blame truck stop food because he's been running local for us for a year now. I've been the victim of some pretty awful farts in my day, but this definitely tops the list.

Re: ASSault On My Nostrils

PostPosted: Feb 15 2014 6:44 am
by blind mullet


I don't mean that I don't believe you, I mean that story is about a guy that has a worse stink than anything I've come across in the past (including Lurch the Shunter, but his stink is from a combination of BO and cigar breath).
Lurch is the only dude to ever make me want to puke, but Jack, anyone who can make guys like us puke TWICE is truly worthy of recognition for above-and-beyond, etc.
I just can't imagine a stink that could make me puke twice, but by God, I'm glad it was you that witnessed (endured/suffered) it, and not me. Tell us a bit about the puke, too... :wink:

Re: ASSault On My Nostrils

PostPosted: Feb 15 2014 10:10 am
by prarie doggin
I may have told this before but it still gives me the shudders. One Christmas eve we had an open house. As one of the last couples was leaving, the guy said he needed to use the bathroom. I thought it odd because they only lived a 5 minute drive away, but the guy had been drinking so I figured his bladder was about to burst. Well, it wasn't his bladder that was about to burst. He reemerged into the foyer, and in retrospect he did rush his wife out to the car with barely a good bye. While I was standing there reflecting that soon I was going to be able to crawl in bed to a well deserved sleep, there was this almost eerie silence followed by a whiff of satans vomit. Within seconds I was gasping for air. It smelled like a hyena pack had eaten a foul warthog carcass and gotten a bad case of the shits, if that is even possible. I did the only thing I could do and headed to the opposite side of the house, but soon that last bit of space was overwhelmed. My kids were wretching and screaming we were going to die, and my wife had that "do something" look on her now green face. I should have herded the tribe downstairs where we could have made an exit, but in my haste I had led them to an area where the only exit was a 25 foot fall out a window onto concrete. I considered sending my youngest out for a test fall, but the wife nixed that. I finally decided I needed to man up and go back into the belly of the beast and get some windows open. As I had done once before when my dog ate her own shit and barfed it up under the breakfast table, I doused a towel with some kind of orange oil cleaner and wrapped it around my head. I looked like a desert warrier about to go to battle with a mongol hoarde although I would have rather faced the arrows. Short of it is, I got the windows open and within 15 minutes the house was semi-habitable. Soon I was lying down on the bed heading to slumber land. I'm not sure I was dreaming, but I swear that shorlly later I heard my next door neighbor scream "WHAT THE FUCK??" Sorry, not my problem.

Re: ASSault On My Nostrils

PostPosted: Feb 15 2014 11:18 am
by tuba cheeks
Sorry, Jack it wasn't me... I'm on the other side of the continent. Next time you see this fella give him a nod for me, eh?

I think it is a driver thing- all that bouncing and jouncing around, in combination with bad eating habits. I also suspect some of these stinky fuckers drive a rig because their former colleagues were unable to abide the stink.

My ass has been rotten most of my life. We grew up on well water with a fair amount of sulfur in it, and my brother and I can both fart like demons. Even as a teen, I got the shit cramps far more often than most people I know.

A couple of quickie recent fart tales.

My guts have been off all week. I've taken two massive dumps per day, EVERY day. One soon after waking, the other shortly after I first eat. None have been solid, and all have been noisy, explosive, and NAS-TAY. Today, at my second stop, I felt what might be #3 for the day coming on, but wasn't quite sure. When I got out of my truck, I decided to test the waters. I cocked a leg and carefully relaxed my ringpiece. BRRRRROOOWWWWWFFFFFFFPPPT!!! A long, low throaty growl roared out of my crack. Immediately, my belly felt better- but then the stink punched me in the nose. " Whoa DAMMMNNN..." This was 110% rotten eggs- like a black plastic bag with 5 dozen rotten eggs in it in July, but worse. Just then, the coffee vendor came around the front of my truck to make his delivery. Poor guy never saw it coming. He didn't say anything, but his face got all scrunched up and he started walking faster.

The other occasion was at a "squat n gobble" ( Thruway service area). I'd wandered in to have a piss. Since my bowels have been acting funny this week, I went to a stall just in case. I ended up in the middle stall, with an occupied stall on either side. The piss was uneventful. However, I felt a slight pressure at the back door, afterwards. Being me, I gave it a slight nudge, and out came a long LOUD squealer. It was an odd combination of squeal, groan, and out of tune trombone being played by an incompetent moron. It started high in pitch and dropped, then gradually came back up. I was shaking with suppressed laughter, proud as hell of my accomplishment, and knowing both of those guys had heard it. I'd basically just shat on both of their heads!

After stumbling out of the stall, snorting and snickering silently, I quickly washed up and got out. The cashier at McNasty's must have wondered about me standing there grinning like a fool, and barely able to speak to place my order...

Re: ASSault On My Nostrils

PostPosted: Feb 15 2014 11:29 am
by prarie doggin
I once stopped at a place called Midway somewhere in Pa. The place was almost empty. As I sat down to eat, I noticed a half eaten plate of something like beef and noodles a couple seats down from mine. I decided to use the bathroom to take a leak and what greeted me would have made Alfred Hitchcock turn white with fear. There was a guy in the stall blowing his guts out of both ends. Holding back my own vomit, I immediately turned around and headed out, figuring I could just water the 1000X20's later. Upon returning to my seat, the waitress asked me what I wanted and I pointed to the half eaten plate and said,"anything but that".

Re: ASSault On My Nostrils

PostPosted: May 09 2014 6:19 pm
by daphne
Oh, there are some gems in this thread. :lol: I do not have much to add as far as human farts, but lately Molly has been contributing her own depletion to the ozone layer. It never ceases to make me laugh, how dogs look guilty when they fart.

Re: ASSault On My Nostrils

PostPosted: May 09 2014 6:42 pm
by blind mullet
Hey daph!!!! :D Good to have you back!!! Staying awhile? I hope so.

Re: ASSault On My Nostrils

PostPosted: May 09 2014 7:29 pm
by prarie doggin
Let the heavens rejoice and the dogs fart! Daphne is here! :D

Where the hell are Chief and Deja though :(

Re: ASSault On My Nostrils

PostPosted: May 11 2014 11:01 am
by ChiefThunderbutt
I had a bit of bad luck with my back and had to spend a few days in the hospital. I am home now but I am a semi invalid which isn't really that bad since I have already been to most places that I have an interest in going to.

Dog farts can be monumentally stinky but even my vet says, "nothing stinks like a cat fart." When I moved up to the Cumberland Plateau last December we brought our three beloved cats with us. I moved into a house that my daughter had just vacated and, by a prearranged deal, inherited another three. I now live in a home with six flatulent felines. The worst offender is a handsome long haired tuxedo cat named Dixon.

Dixon likes to climb into your lap and if you are slouched on the sofa he will work his way up to your chest, look over his shoulder until he has his asshole perfectly aligned with your nose, then release a green fog of digested cat food gas that will burn the hair from your nostrils. I tried fighting fire with fire and farted back at Dixon in self defense. He didn't mind a bit but my dear wife said the combination of cat and geezer fart was unbearable.

Re: ASSault On My Nostrils

PostPosted: May 12 2014 9:14 pm
by blind mullet
:lol: :lol: :lol: Glad you're OK, and its good to have you back!!! ...Geezer farts! :lol:

Re: ASSault On My Nostrils

PostPosted: May 13 2014 10:32 am
by prarie doggin
Chief, I'm pleased to know that you're still able to fart despite a bad back. You are a trooper.

Re: ASSault On My Nostrils

PostPosted: May 14 2014 6:49 am
by spattacus
Mrs Spat's lost 45lb over the last year or so and it's got to the stage when she's adjusted all the trousers she can and new ones are required. For the last couple of months she's dragged me into local shops in an effort to buy some. One thing she hasn't got is a fat arse, so most that she's tried have been rejected as being too baggy about the bum.
Yesterday, at my suggestion I might add, we went to a big store a few miles away and she set to. She tried on 8 pairs and bought 2 - plus 4 pairs of shoes. I wasn't aware her feet had slimmed too.

Anyway, the ASSault.

Midway through the shopping torture, my guts gave a rumble. Whoops! thought I, need to go.
Not a problem, we were right next to the coffee shop and that had a bog. Off I trots, to find that the bog is a Ladies/Gents/Disabled one-stop shop, one large cubicle with one of those locks that can be operated by anyone but a coma patient.
Someone had obviously had an issue with it as it looked like it had taken a kicking (I blame the minorities :irre2 ) and dangled a bit loose, not really giving a lot of confidence in your privacy. Needs must; I locked the thing as well as I could and let fly. I was right I did need to go, early rocket motors gave less thrust.
Towards the end of the burn I thought I heard the door being tried, nothing much I could do about it and at least it stayed locked. I finished up, did the admin, flushed, washed and dried courtesy of no-touch sensors and opened the door.
Outside there was a middle-aged woman, quite presentable, who must have been quite desperate as she nearly passed me in the doorway.
Poor cow, I glanced over my shoulder to see her head jerk back like she'd been chopped in the throat by a ninja.
One of my better efforts.

Re: ASSault On My Nostrils

PostPosted: May 14 2014 9:43 am
by prarie doggin
That would have been a priceless video. At least she had a warm seat. :o :barf

Re: ASSault On My Nostrils

PostPosted: May 14 2014 5:37 pm
by blind mullet
:lol: :clap: Top work, Spatty! I wonder if the CCTV caught it.

I also wonder if the guys who do the CCTV installations ever consider where the best footage will come from (e.g. outside the bogs...)

Re: ASSault On My Nostrils

PostPosted: May 14 2014 6:02 pm
by prarie doggin
CCTV? What's that? Caught crapping tv?