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The green eyed monster.

Postby tuba cheeks on Apr 08 2017 4:42 pm

So, today I cranked out the granddaddy of all spinach shits.

My bowels had been feeling kinda crampy since last night, but no doo-doo's were in evidence. A few small farts without much odor, and that was it... When I awoke this morning, there was a definite knocking on the back door, and my morning ripper was a good deal more fragrant then usual.

So, it was with much anticipation that I walked into the truckstop, and headed for the throne room- this was going to be a Lulu!

FUCK!!!! All the stalls were occupied! I headed to a urinal for a delaying action- and to avoid seeming like an uncle ned- just hanging out by the stalls. I damn near touched cloth while I stood there pissing, but one stall opened up just as my bladder was empty. I tucked away the trouser snake, and turned to head in- just as some Jackwagon strolled in and bowel blocked me...

DOUBLE FUCK!!! Whose the stupid shit-fer-brains who made a two holer the ONLY bathroom for a truckstop this big??? Bastard!!

So, it was turdus interruptus for me. I grabbed a cuppa joe for the road, and headed for my customer- 2 hours down the road. The urge passed quickly, when my arsehole realized it would have to wait.

Fast forward two hours to my customer in Bawston. After wandering inside and checking in, I headed for the Trucker's Haven. Great- the fuckin place stinks like a French whorehouse, because there are TWO of those automatic spray air fresheners in there. In the past, I've been bombarded by those things whilst sittin and shittin in there (Everyone's a critic...)

So I drop trou and sit down. FINALLY! And out it came. the nose cone was thick and firm- not a ring stinger or an ass ripper, but big enough to make my eyes open wide. And it stayed that thick- and kept going and going... Finally, it started to taper off- but wait! there's more! This giant turd came complete with a long ass tail as well.

When at last it was all out, relief was immediate and profound. I felt like a new man!

I just had to admire my creation, before It was covered in paper so I got up and turned around. DAAAY-UMMMMM!! There was at least two feet of thick cable curled up in there, with a slightly thinner tail that squiggled around and ended just at the waterline. Wow- no wonder my bowels were annoyed last night...

Best of all: It was a hideous olive drab-brownish color! (thanks to that spinach and cheese stromboli!) A tear of pride collected at the corner of one eye.

I quickly took care of the paperwork, making sure to drop the paper off to the side-and left without flushing. I just couldn't destroy that masterpiece! I just wish I could have been there to hear the shouts of surprise, when the next guy encountered the beast. The color and size were truly horrifying, lol.

Sadly, I have been completely fart-less ever since... Not even a tiny pop, or the wee-est of puffers.

Tonight I dined on Salisbury steak, mashed potatoes and corn- so tomorrow's offering should be spectacular too.
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Re: The green eyed monster.

Postby prarie doggin on Apr 09 2017 7:56 am

Tuba, I hope you don't have to deliver to the same customer again in a few weeks and have to shit badly. You may be greeted by an "out of order" sign on the door.
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Re: The green eyed monster.

Postby tuba cheeks on Apr 09 2017 9:16 am

No problem- they have two sets of bathrooms!
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Re: The green eyed monster.

Postby prarie doggin on Apr 09 2017 4:04 pm

As a kid, I once worked for a crotchety old guy that had a gas station. He hated cleaning the bathrooms after customers left thier art work unflushed. One day he went into the mens room and came out cursing like a drunken sailor. He went into his tool box, got out a hammer and nails, and proceeded to nail the bathroom door shut. I can only imagine what was left inside. Tuba, maybe one of your ancestors was the guilty party. The bathroom remained a sarcophagus until the place was torn down several years later.
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Re: The green eyed monster.

Postby ChiefThunderbutt on Apr 12 2017 1:56 pm

Olive green...ha...amateur! I was once drinking and playing poker with Air Force buddies when we ran out of beer. There was a bottle of Green Crème de menthe available that no one else wanted so I drank the whole thing myself. The next day I extruded a turd that was brilliant green and shredded my asshole with shards of sugar, it was like shitting powdered glass. That was at least fifty years ago and was the last time I drank any Crème de menthe.
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Re: The green eyed monster.

Postby prarie doggin on Apr 12 2017 3:23 pm

So I'm guessing that in the last 50 years or so, the company that makes Creme de Menthe hasn't approached you for any endorsements either.
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Re: The green eyed monster.

Postby ChiefThunderbutt on Apr 12 2017 7:23 pm

prarie doggin wrote:So I'm guessing that in the last 50 years or so, the company that makes Creme de Menthe hasn't approached you for any endorsements either.


No endorsement requests but that was not my last experience with brilliant green poop. Sam's Club would occasionally put a custom made cake in the break room when the customer neglected to pick it up. They once put one there that was decorated with black icing. An unusual color but one that is based on green food coloring. The next day the main topic of conversation in that same break room was the brilliant green turds that everyone seemed to have extruded that morning.
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Re: The green eyed monster.

Postby tuba cheeks on Apr 12 2017 10:02 pm

Oh, I've had bright green turds, too. This one was noteworthy for the sheer ugliness of the color. (the SIZE of the pile was impressive, too.)
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Re: The green eyed monster.

Postby prarie doggin on Apr 13 2017 4:52 pm

I have a lot of mint that comes up every year, so this year I'm making homemade creme de menthe. My son-in-law has a house in a somewhat rural area and said he's planning to make some 'shine this year. That ought to be a good base for my own creation.
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