tell us what happened to you

Moderators: wonderpance, daphne

Horse Shit!

Postby blind mullet on Apr 28 2013 9:24 am

Today I spent a few minutes driving behind a horse float.

The simple plan was to go visit my sister and her husband, loose off a few rounds of .22 and .25/303, enjoy a beer or two, talk crap for a while, and go home. :blah-gree Well, the journey begins with a 20 minute trip down a pretty steep gorge and up the other side before reaching the expressway. The road through the gorge has a couple of hairpin bends, and the road itself is carved out of the side of a rocky hill (nowhere to overtake, and easy to end up over the edge).
So when I came upon a couple of cars doing well below the speed limit, I looked further ahead and saw a slow-moving 4x4 towing a horse float, with 2 horses on board. I could see the trip being extended by another half hour as this piece of shit combo slowly traversed the gorge road, holding up traffic. :wallbash
I know this stretch of road fairly well, and there are places to overtake, even if the lines are marked otherwise.
Local knowledge is a handy thing sometimes.
Well, when the opportunity arose, I darted past the 2 other cars that were being held up, so I'm now directly behind the horse float and then, it was just a matter of picking the right moment to dart past the 4x4.
Thats when the gods decided to play a joke on me.
The 4x4 had picked up speed, and was now doing about 50 MPH. I'm also doing 50 MPH, and I'm looking for the last opportunity to pass before we reach the gorge area. I know theres a place, and I'm just getting ready to capitalize on it.
In the space of less than 30 seconds, one of the horses decided to unload it's breakfast, and I have to confess that up to that point I had never seen a horse's arse that close, in the act of unloading. :o
It's tail went up, it's sphincter opened to probably 6 inches, and the lumpy green shit came out in balls about the size of cantaloupes. Let me say that this was good reason to brake and swerve, as load after load was dumped on the roadway, right in front of us.
Now, horse shit doesn't like being dropped six feet onto a roadway that is travelling by at 50 MPH. In it's natural environment (i.e. a field), a gee gee turd just falls down onto a stationary dirt surface; it spreads out a bit, but thats about where it ends. Not so on a highway. It hits the ground and disintegrates into a wet, green cloud that the poor bastard travelling behind (in this case ME), gets to drive through and have the entire front end of his car speckled.

Tomorrow the car gets it's 6-monthly wash. :igitt
User avatar
blind mullet
zen pooper (3000 flushes)
zen pooper (3000 flushes)
 
Posts: 3258
Joined: Nov 23 2009 5:43 pm
Location: Sydney.
Local time: Oct 20 2019 4:46 am

Re: Horse Shit!

Postby prarie doggin on Apr 28 2013 10:20 am

And a luck would have it, you probably didn't have a freshly removed bag of your own poop you could have heaved into the 4x4 as you passed by. :o
"Motivation is simple. You eliminate those who are not motivated" - Lou Holtz
User avatar
prarie doggin
überpooper and, more importantly, 2009 PoopReporter of the Year
überpooper and, more importantly, 2009 PoopReporter of the Year
 
Posts: 12602
Joined: Jan 14 2008 9:56 pm
Local time: Oct 20 2019 4:46 am

Re: Horse Shit!

Postby spattacus on Apr 29 2013 9:10 am

:lol: Some years back me and a colleague had to visit a couple of tractor dealers on the south coast and I borrowed my managers company car as it wasn't an overnighter. On the way back, driving through the leafy lanes of Sussex there was a place where a bridleway (horse track) crossed the road. Bang in the middle of my lane was a huge pile of horse shit; and I mean big, the horse must have stopped to crap and the pile looked like the hill in "Close Encounters".
I am, at heart a child and a huge pile of shit is too tempting a target, so I aimed and ran the fucker over. It went with a mighty "THWOCK" and I felt the impact in the car. We pissed ourselves.
Next day my manager came up and asked if I knew that I'd run some shit over; I acted dumb. Apparently a good proportion had lodged between the catalytic converter and the body and had been cooking nicely, giving his car a healthy aroma, inside and out. When he got home he'd had to blast it out with a pressure washer. Ho-Hummm!
Get your profane word or phrase for today here:
And..... Top Tips

A computer once beat me at chess, but was no match for me at kick-boxing.
User avatar
spattacus
zen pooper, moderator, 2000 flushes
zen pooper, moderator, 2000 flushes
 
Posts: 2775
Joined: Jan 15 2009 12:02 pm
Location: Sarf' East England
Local time: Oct 20 2019 10:46 am

Re: Horse Shit!

Postby prarie doggin on Apr 29 2013 10:16 am

Just don't ever run over a bloated dead skunk, no matter how bloated and tempting a target. Trust me on this.
"Motivation is simple. You eliminate those who are not motivated" - Lou Holtz
User avatar
prarie doggin
überpooper and, more importantly, 2009 PoopReporter of the Year
überpooper and, more importantly, 2009 PoopReporter of the Year
 
Posts: 12602
Joined: Jan 14 2008 9:56 pm
Local time: Oct 20 2019 4:46 am

Re: Horse Shit!

Postby spattacus on Apr 29 2013 11:07 am

Something even Chiefy wouldn't eat?
Get your profane word or phrase for today here:
And..... Top Tips

A computer once beat me at chess, but was no match for me at kick-boxing.
User avatar
spattacus
zen pooper, moderator, 2000 flushes
zen pooper, moderator, 2000 flushes
 
Posts: 2775
Joined: Jan 15 2009 12:02 pm
Location: Sarf' East England
Local time: Oct 20 2019 10:46 am

Re: Horse Shit!

Postby Jack Schitt on May 10 2013 6:17 am

I live in a town where the horses out number the people...seriously. I can't stand to step in dog poop, but horse poop is not much different than the food they eat, just a little soggier. I've literally had horse shit snowball fights.
"Political correctness is tyranny with manners."- Charlton Heston
User avatar
Jack Schitt
wipeless pooper
 
Posts: 900
Joined: Mar 08 2009 2:24 am
Location: Southern California, where the skies are brown all day.
Local time: Oct 20 2019 2:46 am

Re: Horse Shit!

Postby prarie doggin on May 10 2013 6:45 am

Up in Ak, they have an annual dog shit throwing competition. At minus 25 or so it's no different than throwing a rock.
"Motivation is simple. You eliminate those who are not motivated" - Lou Holtz
User avatar
prarie doggin
überpooper and, more importantly, 2009 PoopReporter of the Year
überpooper and, more importantly, 2009 PoopReporter of the Year
 
Posts: 12602
Joined: Jan 14 2008 9:56 pm
Local time: Oct 20 2019 4:46 am

Re: Horse Shit!

Postby spattacus on May 10 2013 7:02 am

Until one gets lodged in the hood of your parka and you take it home to the warm.............
Get your profane word or phrase for today here:
And..... Top Tips

A computer once beat me at chess, but was no match for me at kick-boxing.
User avatar
spattacus
zen pooper, moderator, 2000 flushes
zen pooper, moderator, 2000 flushes
 
Posts: 2775
Joined: Jan 15 2009 12:02 pm
Location: Sarf' East England
Local time: Oct 20 2019 10:46 am

Re: Horse Shit!

Postby prarie doggin on May 10 2013 7:07 am

Maybe the poor native that has to stand in the landing zone and mark the landing spots will have to worry about that.

Wouldn't be a bad prank though to sneak one in my brothers parka hood. Hmmm
"Motivation is simple. You eliminate those who are not motivated" - Lou Holtz
User avatar
prarie doggin
überpooper and, more importantly, 2009 PoopReporter of the Year
überpooper and, more importantly, 2009 PoopReporter of the Year
 
Posts: 12602
Joined: Jan 14 2008 9:56 pm
Local time: Oct 20 2019 4:46 am

Re: Horse Shit!

Postby ChiefThunderbutt on May 10 2013 7:26 am

Jack Schitt wrote:I live in a town where the horses out number the people...seriously. I can't stand to step in dog poop, but horse poop is not much different than the food they eat, just a little soggier. I've literally had horse shit snowball fights.


I worked in an abattoir for a few years. After being stunned a cow is hoisted into the air by a hind leg and bled to death, the force of gravity is supposed to keep their bowels from becoming active. Cows have quite runny poop after they have been fattened on grain for a few months and it is much smellier. I had just killed a rather fat steer and was ready to start the flaying process which begins on the front legs.

I stepped in close with my knife in hand when something warm landed on the top of my head. Soon wet plopping sounds were coming from all around me. I looked up, after backing off a ways, and saw that the cows ass was pumping out shit like lava coming from Mount St. Helens. I took a shower right after finishing that cow.
If I had two faces do you think
I'd be wearing this one?
User avatar
ChiefThunderbutt
uberpooper, 2008 PoopReporter of the Year, Peace Forum Literature Club Moderator, and Hillbilly Gourmet
uberpooper, 2008 PoopReporter of the Year,  Peace Forum Literature Club Moderator, and Hillbilly Gourmet
 
Posts: 9152
Joined: Jul 24 2008 8:00 am
Location: Crossville, Tennessee
Local time: Oct 20 2019 4:46 am

Re: Horse Shit!

Postby prarie doggin on May 10 2013 7:44 am

You finished the job, then took a shower? They just don't make men with your work ethic anymore Chief.
"Motivation is simple. You eliminate those who are not motivated" - Lou Holtz
User avatar
prarie doggin
überpooper and, more importantly, 2009 PoopReporter of the Year
überpooper and, more importantly, 2009 PoopReporter of the Year
 
Posts: 12602
Joined: Jan 14 2008 9:56 pm
Local time: Oct 20 2019 4:46 am

Re: Horse Shit!

Postby ChiefThunderbutt on May 10 2013 7:53 am

prarie doggin wrote:You finished the job, then took a shower? They just don't make men with your work ethic anymore Chief.


An unattended dead cow will swell to the approximate size of the Hindenburg in a very short time making it very difficult to open the abdominal cavity without puncturing the rumen and getting sprayed in the face with its contents. A much more unpleasant experience than a little shit on yer bonce.
If I had two faces do you think
I'd be wearing this one?
User avatar
ChiefThunderbutt
uberpooper, 2008 PoopReporter of the Year, Peace Forum Literature Club Moderator, and Hillbilly Gourmet
uberpooper, 2008 PoopReporter of the Year,  Peace Forum Literature Club Moderator, and Hillbilly Gourmet
 
Posts: 9152
Joined: Jul 24 2008 8:00 am
Location: Crossville, Tennessee
Local time: Oct 20 2019 4:46 am

Re: Horse Shit!

Postby prarie doggin on May 10 2013 12:14 pm

Boy, I hope Daphne took the day off :shocked
"Motivation is simple. You eliminate those who are not motivated" - Lou Holtz
User avatar
prarie doggin
überpooper and, more importantly, 2009 PoopReporter of the Year
überpooper and, more importantly, 2009 PoopReporter of the Year
 
Posts: 12602
Joined: Jan 14 2008 9:56 pm
Local time: Oct 20 2019 4:46 am

Re: Horse Shit!

Postby Jack Schitt on May 10 2013 2:11 pm

Many of my high school friends grew up and worked on dairys. I have had many encounters with cow shit, I don't think any of them resulted in cow shit on my head though. There was one time when a couple of us were helping my buddy milk in the rain. The alley that leads from the corrals to the barn gets about knee deep in shit during the rain and one of my friends took a digger face first in it. We all laughed, then kept going until we were done. When you're hooking up the milker to the udders you are guaranteed to get shit on a few times anyway.
"Political correctness is tyranny with manners."- Charlton Heston
User avatar
Jack Schitt
wipeless pooper
 
Posts: 900
Joined: Mar 08 2009 2:24 am
Location: Southern California, where the skies are brown all day.
Local time: Oct 20 2019 2:46 am

Re: Horse Shit!

Postby tuba cheeks on May 10 2013 4:51 pm

Yeah, cows are damn gassy- I can only imagine how fast they fill up when they can no longer fart or belch. I've done my time milking cows, too- and had my hat blown off by an ill timed cow fart. Made me jealous!

I once watched my boss get his shorts filled up for him, while he was putting a milker on. You know how sometimes the seat of yer drawers kinda sags a bit when you squat down? Well, add a cow with full bowels and a Rube Goldberg sense of timing and... I had to run out of the barn to avoid a sound ass whupping for laughing at him ( REALLY bad Scots temper). He was BENT!

I'd have loved to have been a fly on the wall when he tried to explain those nasty undies to his wife.
tuba cheeks
zen pooper
 
Posts: 1652
Joined: May 16 2007 6:54 pm
Location: on the pot!
Local time: Oct 20 2019 5:46 am

Next

Return to poop stories

  • VISITORS

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 3 guests

Design by GB