[CrapperJohnMcIntyre]

I work in a laboratory where I do a number of different tests on a daily basis. A fecal occult blood test is not uncommon, nor is it anywhere near as difficult or disgusting as one might imagine. The patient brings in three cards which are folded and sealed. Within each card, is a small smear of poop, which the patient collects at home. Whoever is processing the test simply pulls on a labeled tab, and a tiny strip of poop covered paper comes out. This happens without disrupting the rest of the poop blob, or creating much of a smell, if any. You put some solution on the poop, fold it into another card, wait 10 minutes, and interoperate the results. As clean and simple as a test involving human excrement could possibly be.
When a doctor orders this test, they give the patient a special plastic cowboy hat shaped collection device which sits inside the toilet so they can poop like normal and it will be caught in the bottom (or top) of the hat. They take a little poopsicle stick which is also provided, get a little nugget, smear it on the card, fold it, seal it, and bring it in.
I have become very used to performing several of these tests on a daily basis, so when any specimen is dropped off at the lab, I slip into some gloves and get started.
Many people are self conscious of wandering around with their own shit. They will often times wrap it in several boxes or bags. Small bags from fancy department stores are very popular. I think maybe they think that nobody would expect to find someone that rich and classy carrying around their morning bowel movement. As far as disguising poop goes, this day was no exception.
Rather than open the top of a closed bag and blindly pull out it’s contents (who knows if the patient had any ‘trouble’ collecting the specimen), I will tear a bag open so I can see what I am reaching for. I peeled back what today, happened to be a simple brown lunch sack to find a glass bowl of orange diarrhea.
It wasn’t a turd in a plastic collection tube, it wasn’t the every day poop cards, it was wet diarrhea with small chunks of semi solid poo floating around in a rather large, glass bowl, sealed with plastic wrap!
We have to monitor ourselves carefully in this line of work. It is easy to mutter criticisms of patients or the disgustingness of their particular ailments and be overheard. But my ridiculous “Oh NO!!! What the F*CK!?” certainly made it to the reception and waiting area loud and clear.
Tearing open paper is supposed to make you think of happy things, like birthdays and Christmas and surprises…not anymore.
I was in shock. I had been working in this lab for only a few months, so I hadn’t encountered anything of the sort. I slowly stepped away from the counter. My boss, who happened to be taking a nap in the EKG chair heard my call of distress and inquired.
“What?”
“The speciment on the counter...yeah....it's a bowl...of Diarrhea.”
“A BOWL?”
“A glass bowl.”
Amongst hysterical laughter and fairly accurate imitations of my loud and inappropriate response I managed to gather that we do NOT process any specimen collected in such a manor (thank GOD), and I needed to call the patient and let him know.
I don’t think this is a HIPPA violation as of yet, since really, anybody could have used a glass bowl. We all have them in our kitchen cabinets. We eat breakfast cereal out of them. I wish I could describe the fury that man, who had managed to shit diarrhea, without the aid of a collection hat, into a bowl for his test, expressed when he realized he had not collected it properly, and would have to repeat the test. I wish I could have offered a consolatory compliment on the impressiveness of his amazing feat (aiming what looked to be pretty violent diarrhea into that bowl with his hands behind his back) but it just wouldn't have been appropriate.
Eventually I recovered from the shock, and things went back to normal. When my co worker arrived to relieve me later that afternoon, she told me she’d brought a can of soup for lunch, but she forgot to bring a bowl.

I was so tempted.

[Artful Dodger]

Before you even mentioned the fact, I knew the sample donor was a man. A woman would have read the collection procedures, read them again, collected the sample, double-checked that she'd done it right, thrown out the sample and collected another one just to be sure, and only THEN would she have stuck it in the fancy dept. store bag.

The dude probably was probably halfway out the door on his way to your lab when he went "Oh, yeah...the sample!" and ran into the kitchen to grab a bowl.Me, I would have used a coffee mug. One of the insulated travel types to keep it fresh.

This was a good story. You ought to submit it to Dave as front page material.

[daphne]

Oh I agree. This is good, gross, and will be sure to elicit all sorts if interesting comments from people who have had poop sample mishaps.

I did not get a neat cowboy hat when we all had salmonella.

[Di Uhreea]

About twice a year a story truly makes me belly laugh.
Now I guess I'll have to wait till next year.
Nice one, CrapperJohn. I thought this was hilarious!

[wonderpance]

good story! and dodger's right. only a man would do that. they're instruction-retardant.

[Kay O. Pectate]

Well done. I will have to forward this story to some of my hospital friends. It made me LOL

[robocrap13]

A few years back, I visited the E/R with a severe stomach bug.
When I told the nurse I had the trots, she gave me the basket and pointed me to the john.
I didn't get a stick and paper. I got a tiny plastic shovel and a screw-top vial.
The smell was so bad, I nearly puked on my stool sample.
I didn't envy the tech who got that little green and orange surprise.
The results: Something that was going around at the time. Not food poisoning.

A few days later, I was finishing my antibiotics, and weaning myself off of the Fresca, lightly buttered rice, and yogurt that had been my diet for the past couple of days.

[daphne]

Oh dude! WE had the little shovel and screw cap too. Thing Two was only fifteen months when this went down. She was absolutely engrossed that I put her poop in a little jar and then put it in the refrigerator. Come to think about it, that would make a little Poopreport.

[prarie doggin]

Daphne, one of my favorite treats is Nutella. I would have a really hard time reaching for it if there was a jar of poop next to it.

[CrapperJohnMcIntyre]

Fortunately, I don't have to do anything with those little vials beyond sticking a label on it and sending it to a reference lab. They are usually for cultures, and parasites, both of which require expertise in a field I have no interest in studying.

[robocrap13]

Reminds me of a Far Side cartoon.
Lab worker is holding a jar and saying "Peanut butter? What happened to my ameobic dysentery sample?"
In the foreground, another guy is munching a sandwich with an expression that screams "Uh-Oh!"

[Slim Jim Junkie]

Now those last few posts made me think of the Austin Powers movie where there was the coffee pot and Fat Bastard's stool sample next to each other. Austin grabbed the wrong one.

[CrapperJohnMcIntyre]

It's a bit nutty.

[Sargent Pooper]

[sip] "This coffee tastes like poo!"

"That's becasue it is poo, Austin."

"Oh. [sip] It's a bit nutty."

[G Ras]

Arrrrgh...... stop, your going to give me a case of that "Fresca" or a 6 pack maybe?