[G Ras]

In this moment of free time from guaranteeing my childrens future… a future that would scare the shit outa me… I guess that’s why I am a workaholic. I’ll die and they take their last look at me (or sniff I haven’t decided yet) and thank me for the bucks. Whether or not that “love you dad” was conditionally attached to the constant stream of twenty’s that bled from my wallet… I will rest easy knowing I gave them a leg up….even though a couple should have been straight in their ass. When I think of all those diapers. But I digress.

What I’m really thinking about is our preoccupation with poop….A preoccupation that has built an empire for Dave and has millions chortling (is that still a word?)….I mean you can only get so much mileage out of the myriad of ways to drop a load… or funny names to call a turd…. or whatever makes us laugh at farts and others peoples minor pain and stupidity. I would never laugh at anyone’s serious pain but my own…. and my Uncle Carl’s, who cut off a finger in a fan and cut off another one showing my dad how he cut off the first one. That shit is funny. Plus I hate him and that makes it even funnier.

A few days short of my doctors’ appt. I ran out of my pain meds. I was dope sick as a dog…shitting on myself. My docs on vacation…. her sub (or whatever you call a doctors sub) was golfing or some shit. When the s.o.b. finally called me back at 10:00 PM I was puking my guts out and going from room to room on my hands and knees. I would have beaten him with his own clubs if he was near me. It was my bad… I take some tasty (that’s TASTY) pain meds and it seems some visitors like em too… because if they are not well hidden I always seem to come up short.

I got my script filled, took the meds… 20 minutes later the euphoria was so extreme I would have bet I was in bed with 10 hookers who were screaming my name….oil wrestling for a chance to jump up and down on my morphine induced boner. I lay back and got better…. Diarrhea a distant memory…. You know diarrhea was a bi-yearly treat for me in the past, but I got some stoolee’s and I almost (almost) crap normally now… except just not often enough.

My point is that before the morphine had a chance to stiffen my turds into an engine block again…. (a little softer) I took a dump that was so euphoric, I surmised just what poop reporters are…. addicts of the 1rst degree!! After reading more than my fair share of “reports” it has become obvious to me that we line up at the bathroom door awaiting the next fix. Then I pondered on my fair city’s outdoor pay toilets and the thought of paying .25 made it even truer. 25 cents a fix…. Not a real money maker…..but wait…..2 million people, most shit everyday (I would be a shitty customer) that would come to almost $500,000 a day. Now my head is spinning…. I want a piece of every piece.
I’m sorry once again I have digressed.

The dumps with major roughage are akin to heroin in my estimation… if they are long, fuck me. A good scraping is as good as it gets. I have wondered if eating peanut shells would be good. I probably wouldn’t call the doctor if I swallowed an S.O.S. pad or kitty litter.

I was reading an Edgar Cayce book recently and although I agree with most of what he says…. His way of saying shit cracks me up. If he were alive today he probably would send in something like this……

Think on this thing
There is no negative component between thy intake and of thy expelling…from the horn of thee spirits bounty past thine palette… the medley of nutrients extracted from the bastion of thee bowels nourish self….. Once self is sated a proliferation of flecked fossilage extrude to turn thy generally obtuse wrinkle into a wondrous bundle of nerve endings alive with Gods love that chill thy spine with every inch that pass, and thy hair may stand on end as though shocked. Pray not for gillyflower or pine for a less odoriferous experience. The carious nature of the extrusion prohibits thine sating oneself twice… this is for the cleanliness of thy temple. Consider thy extrusion an empty horn…. surround thy temple with it and the God will bless thee with more bounty. This is the circle the God hath crafted for you. Never find thy self in anothers circle… never war with extrusion thou art not an ape. The extrude are the Gods wondrous gift to thee!! Always thank the God… be spiritual and flush.


I have got to find a way to get everyone’s shit quarter…..man there is so much money in shit I am drooling on my keyboard….I will listen to any ideas. You... You bunch of addicts

[daphne]

Good Lord. That's so deep I'm unable to reply.

[G Ras]

Thank the God I hath not a 5 day weekend.

[dave]

we'll see this on the front page. Wonderful.

[wonderpance]

yes, that was very deep. i am still thinking on it.

"chortle" is still a word. it was invented by Lewis Carroll in the poem "Jabberwocky" found in the book "Through the Looking Glass." it's known as a portmanteau word, which basically means two or more words combined to create a new word. many words were invented by Lewis Carroll in this way. "mimsy" is another well-known one.

and no. i did not have to look that up. it's all in here, baby. *tapping noggin* all in here.

[G Ras]

and no. i did not have to look that up. it's all in here, baby. *tapping noggin* all in here.

wonderpance.... does that mean your brain is slick and fast as a.............. toboggan??

You have now fucked my mind.......

Flaturrhea..... how one giving head gets a freckle face
Diapation...... a confused turd


This could become addicting in itself!!

[Di Uhreea]

As one of your worshipers, I still empathize with your tragedy/comedy.
Although it has provided us with many (golden) stories, it is at a cost to yourself.
While what you wrote in Cayce-esque makes perfect sense to me (I have the Primer right here), would you like to translate?

[G Ras]

Sure.... which part ?