[Bunga Din]

I'll start this off with one of my many, many, many moments, if this thread goes on long I will keep posting new ones, and let me tell you as a problem drinker from my early 20's I have thousands. This is not my most but keep the posts coming and you'll get it.

Ok, my girlfriend and I had a fairly uninhibited sex life together, her favorite was to have a dildo in her muff while I was engaged in a toungue fight with her puss. So usually after an evening of frolic she would gather the implements and clean them off and put them away. Well, after a fairly busy Friday evening I awoke and decided it was time to the laundry, I gathered up all the bedding and clothing and hurried down to the communal laundry room in my apartment building. Saturday mornings are always a busy time and I was lucky to find two of the twelve washers ready to load. stuffed the sheets in one and clothing in the other and returned to my apt. Minutes later I went down again when they had finished and moved them into the dryer, and went back upstairs. 45 minutes later my girlfriend accompanied me down to help retrieve and fold the laundry, the room was full of other neighbours all doing the same, families with children, a few elderly, in all about 15-20 people, we grabbed the sheets first, I yanked them out, they were all twisted together, we did a big flap and then I saw it, like in super slow motion. Like that ball that bounces down the Bradys stairs and breaks the vase, the 12" pink rubber dildo sailed into the air and smashed down onto a washer a good ten feet away. Everyone saw it. My girlfriend bolted, I stood frozen, people moved away from the machine where it lay in all it's erect glory like it contained the plague, a mother ushered her children out of the room, a little old lady looked mortified. Finally, I got up the nerve to act with all eyes following me, I went over grabbed it off the machine, said sorry to the woman whose machine it landed on , stuffed it into my laundry bag along with the contents of the dryers and left post haste. A few weeks later I was in the elevator with a fellow witness to this and she said "what was really funny was, while you were upstairs and the dryer was running this thing was thump thump thumping away, people were asking "what's that noise" and they'd peek in and see it not say anything and leave. So there you go. Don't dissappoint me.

[Bunga Din]

21 frigging views and not one story??? Come on, you've all got one to share!

[in the bushes]

OK, I've got one for you, also a kind of sex-related story.

I was a problem drinker, too, but especially in high school, when I was just a problem in general. Throughout high school I had an on-and-off relationship with a friend; sometimes we were "more than friends" and sometimes not. As he was even more of a problem than I, and older, too, he got arrested at a certain point and had to do some time.

When he came back, he was on probation, and one of the conditions was that he could not have anyone over to his house. But his house was very close to the high school, and he had a whole floor to himself, so who could resist? Obviously not me. I went home with him one day after school, and we were fooling around on his bed when we heard his dad's car pull up. I remember being so proud of how silently I slipped behind his bed and put on my dress in complete silence as his dad came in the house and walked down the stairs and into the room.

The conversation that ensued went like this:
"Son, why do you have company in your room? You know you can't have people in here."

"There's nobody in here."

"I know that there is someone in the room!"

"No, there is nobody in here."

"Come out from behind the bed!"

At which point I had to climb out from behind the bed, and his dad threw a fit and made him call his probation officer, and I slipped out of the house and went home. When I got there, I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror, only to discover that half of my buttons were undone.

Ouch.

[Di Uhreea]

It's killin me...
How did his dad know, bushes?

[in the bushes]

I still don't know to this day. I swear I was silent and sneaky! And we're still friends (JUST friends) but I can't look his Dad in the eye. In fact, I've managed to avoid him for all the years since, and he only lives about half a mile from my folks.

[CrapJ]

It's killin me...
How did his dad know, bushes?

"The man" was watching.....damn the man.

[CrapJ]

I don't really have a very mortifying story to speak of...I guess there was one time when I was about 16 when a GF and I were on the phone and she wanted me to listen to her masturbate (which I happened to think was the coolest thing in history) Our phone was in the living room...you had to walk through the living room to get to the kitchen from the bedrooms. Being a massively horny fuck, I was taking part as well. Right when my GF was going off, my mom for some reason decided to get a drink of water from the kitchen fucking sucked. Im just glad I wasn't blowing load all over the place when she walked by. I dont even think she really knew what was going on as she walked by, but Im sure she figured it out.

[AssBlaster2000]

I've been wracking my brain to think of embarrassing moments. You see, I don't get embarrassed much because I've sort of accepted that I'm an idiot and do stupid things rather often, and besides Bunga's dildo story sort of takes the cake. I can think of a few funny things from when I was about 13 though.

The first would be when I went to a resort with my friend and her family; my friend and I were swimming and had our eye on this totally hot dude who I guess was 20 or so. We were gawking at him and hoping he would notice us, a couple of fat, giggly, pimple-ridden idiots. Well, I got out of the pool and strutted past him, and in doing so let out the largest burp of my young life. I was ridiculously embarrassed at the time, although now it's just a stupid teenage thing, I suppose.

At that time I was just discovering the functions and wonders of the penis, and so naturally I found any type of hotdogs and sausages uproariously funny. (OK, I still do.) My friend's dad had cooked up some kielbasa on the grill, and my friend and I stayed outside to eat ours while her parents went inside. The sausages were a little fatty, and I discovered that when I squeezed mine some white goo came out. Of course, I had to keep doing that until the sausage was dry, and only then did she inform me that her ultra-religious parents were watching us through the window.

The same friend also had sleepovers a lot, had a walk-in closet in her room, and farted something fierce. When she had sleepovers most of us would take cover from her horrible ass reek in the closet. One morning, she decided to bust in on us and wake us up with a video camera. I have never been a morning person, and so I mooned the camera, and yelled, "Kiss my ass!" She of course proceeded to show the video to aforementioned ultra-religious parents, and instead of shaking the naughty finger at me like they did with the sausage, they watched it repeatedly and laughed their asses off at me. I moved away, but that friend got in touch with me when we were 18 or 19, and she told me that her parents still watched that video.

I realize that you probably have to be younger than 15 to find this funny, but we all do stupid shit when we are teenagers. It was during those formative years that I did so many stupid things that I've become pretty immune to being embarrassed later in life, and why I don't have any more funny stories.

[daphne]

Assblaster, I find it totally unsettling that some parents continue to look at your ass!

[Bunga Din]

OK, we had 3 good ones so far, I'll try and keep this running.

I was 26 and dating a girl from my office, she was a lot of fun, loved to drink, was a few years older than me and was very adventuresome in bed. It was the Easter weekend and she was going to stay at my place and kept hinting that she had surprises in store for me...needless to say I was quite excited. My immeadiate neighbour was a Jehovah Witness who wanted to convert me and farther down the hall in my building was the Superintendant (a retired cop).

We went out that evening and drank alot, Tracy and I were both drunk when we got back to my place, she wanted me to light candles for the Bedroom to create the right ambience for her surprise, I did and placed them on Dressers and on the Headboard of my waterbed, I'm all primed and she comes in from the washroom wearing this leather and chain get up with the boots and everything, the whole nine yards, I'm speechless, mainly because my tongues busy elsewhere.

We're rolling around having a grand old time, I put a condom on and it's off to the races, things are going great and then she screams, really really screams and begins bucking like mad, I'm going so hard and she's now so tight the condom breaks and I'm in the throws of ectasy but know somethings majorly wrong because she's trying to throw me off.

First I notice the room is way lighter (hey have you ever seen a guy cum with his eyes open), and we have a fire in progress. I'd knocked a pillow into a candle and it fell off the bed and started the drapes on fire.

It happened so fast, I rolled off grabbed the pillow while it was still on fire and ran to the bathroom to toss it in the shower, It was a real cheap pillow and was basically melting and dropping little plastic like balls of flame as I ran, I felt a few hit me as I was running, I got it in the shower and turned the water on and the cloud of smoke was overpowering, meanwhile the alarm is shrienking like a banshee and Tracy is screaming about the drapes, I get back and she's ripped one down and is trying to put it out, the other is pretty much fully engulfed, I rip it down and run with the piece I can hold into the bathroom, get it in, by now people are banging on my door asking if I'm alright, the smoke is major, were gagging but not in any state to open up. we get the fires out, I can hear my landlord threatening to breakdown my door, I grab a towel and do the same for Tracy and open the door just a crack while coughing saying it's all OK.

Landlord barges in see's our state of dress/undress and says get into the hall, the smokes too thick, he opens up all the windows and a firetruck arrives. So there we are, she's looking like a Dominitrix, I've got burns on my chest and legs and more and we're being offered to go to my Jehovah Witness neighbours. We did, it was the longest five minutes I've ever spent.

The fire guys give the all clear, check me out and say I should get the burns looked at, I was drunk and embarrassed so I said sure, just to get them to leave, most of the smoke is gone, landlord took all the burned stuff to the trash so we're left their in this stinky apartment. I apologized for not realizing there was a fire, told her about the condom breaking and now she's freaking out that she's going to get pregnant, I wasn't too worried, we got cleaned up as best we could and while I was putting cold water on my burns I realized I also had a small burn on Mr. Winky. It hurt but the others were worse.

We got dressed and got a cab to her place (the cabbie said "What have you been smoking", anyway the next morning my burns really hurt and Tracy is now positive she's going to be pregnant and demands that I accompany her to the hospital to obtain a morning after pill, reluctantly I agree, we get there, she states her purpose, we wait and then they call her, she makes me go with her.

The intern asks why we didn't use protection, we explain we did, he's ok, then Tracy blurts out, "maybe you should show him your burns", he asks how it happened, I give a very quick account, lift up my shirt, he gets some stuff, when he comes back Tracy mentions the burn on my dick, which I assure him is really not much of a burn at all, he coaxes me to show him, and now he's really doubting the story I told him about the fire, so Tracy goes into full demonstration mode and grabs the pillow off the examination table and mimes how I was running with the pillow with a boner, he's in stitches and I'm standing there with my pants down. he puts creme on it, gives me a prescription for more creme and off we go.

Went back to my place to see how bad the smoke was, still smelled but fortunately not too bad, grabbed more clothes and spent the rest of the weekend at Tracy's place.

On Monday, I began washing everything, all my clothes, back and forth to the laundry room, see my neighbour the Jehovah Witness who asks kindly how things are, then mentions "maybe if you consort with bad women this is Gods way of letting you know". A guy I knew a few floors up was talking to me one day and mentioned he heard me referred to as "the pervert" because of my previous episode and this latest debacle.

[Turdy]

i pooped my pants once

[AssBlaster2000]

i pooped my pants once

No shit, dude. Why was it embarrassing? Please elaborate on details. PoopReport is about "the intellectual appreciation of poop humor." Please show us you have something halfway intellectual to contribute, because lame-ass posts without any detail or punctuation won't cut the mustard around here. In fact, they will be deleted on sight, until I get bored of that and ban you.

[The Big Wiper]

Bunga Din: just a friendly tip to help others enjoy your posts. Break up long stories such as the one above into smaller paragraphs. There are some people who won't wade into huge blocks of copy because of the eyestrain. You might want to go back and try editing that post, giving it a little white space.

Thanks.

P.S. This advice applies to anyone who has a very long story to post.

[CrapJ]

You might want to go back and try editing that post, giving it a little brown space.

Fixed!

[daphne]

Bunga, I was afraid that you were going to state that while the cream was applied to your member that you popped a boner.

I think that might have surpassed everything else you've said, well, maybe. The candle story is one of my favorite since joining this website.