Have you ever used a TP substitute, e.g., newspaper, in a public restroom?

[Dakota6941]

This morning I went for a jog. As I was leaving the apartment complex, I caught up with a young dude, Brad, who also lives there and who jogs regularly. We decided to jog together. It was a great morning, cool, but not cold. After about 40 minutes, I could feel the urge to take a shit coming on. I'd tried to dump before leaving, but no luck with that. Just about then Brad says to me: “Hey, mind if we jog through the park? I’ve gotta go take a shit.” I told him: “Me too.” So we jogged over to the park restroom. When I got into the first stall, I checked as always for TP, but there wasn’t any. I guess we got there earlier than when the janitor makes his rounds. I was just about to ask Brad to pass me some TP when I heard him cussing about there being “no fucking toilet paper.” He said that he guessed he would just jog back to the apartment since he needed to shit real bad. It was then that I got my “brainwave.” I remembered that there was a payphone attached to one wall of the restroom on the outside and that there had been a telephone book attached by a chain when I’d last looked. I mentioned it to Brad and he said that it would work for him since he didn’t want to break his jog. So we each grabbed a few sheets of telephone book pages and went to take a dump in the two adjacent stalls. I guess we both unloaded our dumps about the same time and we then started wiping. Brad got done before me and I heard him flush. As luck would have it, I’d had a few beers the night before and my shit was kinda loose. I didn’t realize what a lousy substitute telephone book pages are for TP. It is completely non-absorbent so you need a lot of wiping. Also, even though I doubled up the pages, they still broke so I got shit on my fingers. When Brad walked by my stall (they’re doorless there), I told him I needed more paper. So he went out and came back with a few more sheets from the telephone book and I got done eventually, after a fashion. We spent about another hour jogging and I took a shower immediately on getting back to the apartment. My crack was still shitty so the telephone book pages hadn’t really done the job, but they sure helped in my shitting emergency. I sure hope that no one has to look up a number in the pages marked K to L or R-S though!

[Brown Streak]

Dakota's story reminded me of a similar experience I had a few years ago. I was driving a rental truck from the East Coast to Texas. For some reason, when I was at the supermarket loading up on snacks for the road trip, the Jalapeño-flavored potato chips looked good, so I bought a couple of bags. Since I was trying to make good time on the road, I didn't often stop for food and, instead, ate the snacks I bought. Driving through southern Maryland, after consuming about a bag of the Jalapeño potato chips, I started to feel a familiar intestinal rumbling that was becoming more urgent by the moment. Like most East-Coast highways, this one was surrounded by trees on both sides, with no evidence of civilization beyond, and I had passed the nearest highway service area, so I clenched my asscheeks and hoped I would find somewhere to obtain needed relief. In a couple of miles, I spotted a highway exit and the blue sign indicated there was a Wendy's there. Usually, fast-food restaurants are reasonable places to shit when on the road. So I hurredly parked the truck and ran into the Wendy's, where someone was just finishing up in the only stall. I entered and raced to drop my pants before the hot brown stream shot from my ass. After my intestines settled down, I decided it was time to wipe up and leave, but guess what, NO FUCKING TOILET PAPER! I weighed my options. I was alone in the restroom and they probably didn't have paper towels as the fast food restaurants always have those fucking hand dryers. For whatever reason, I decided the best option was to go back into the restaurant and get some napkins, so I pulled up my pants, went into the "dining room", grabbed a stack of napkins and went back into the crapper to wipe up. Needless to say, my underwear were trashed and after leaving the Wendy's, I went into the back of the U-haul and changed.

I learned 3 things from this experience: (1) if I'm at a place that is likely to be out of TP, like a bar or fast food restaurant, and I have to shit real bad to grab some napkins just in case; (2) Wendy's napkins are neither soft nor absorbent; and (3) don't eat Jalapeño potato chips!

[Dakota6941]

Hey Brown, another great story from you! I've also used table napkins for wiping in fastfood restaurant restrooms. I agree that they're not good TP substitutes but I guarantee that they're a lot better than telephone book pages! At least they don't tear easily and leave your fingers smelling shitty for the rest of the day. Have you ever noticed that you can't wash the stink off your fingers when this happens? My theory is that it's because the crap gets under your nails where you can't reach it. I now always take the precaution of having a roll of TP in my pickup. I usually leave it on the passenger seat so I'll remember to take it with me if I need to take a dump in the kinda place that looks like it might not have TP. Sometimes folks give me a kinda strange look when they see me carrying my own TP roll, but that's a helluva lot better than being caught without TP after a loose shit like you had. One time in this kinda situation like yours I had to go get napkins off a table. I was doing the duckwalk and my buddies who were at the table all laughed at me thus drawing the attention of other diners to my plight. Why are other dudes always so unsympathetic to someone caught without asswipe?

[Brown Streak]

Yeah, I think that as gross as it is, the nails are to blame for the stink that doesn't wash away. I don't carry a roll of TP with me, but always have Kleenex in the truck. I sometimes have those little plastic-wrapped Kleenex packs in my briefcase, usually for sneezing, but it has come in handy when they have been out of TP in the only one at a time crapper at the office.

Speaking of TP substitutes, Kleenex is my old standby, and I guess most peoples. But one time when I first started living on my own, I ran out of TP and Kleenex in the bathroom, something I noticed only after taking a dump. The only thing disposable to wipe with was a roll of Brawny paper towels. They didn't call it "scrub-strength Brawny" for nothing!

[Di Uhreea]

When my children were smaller and both in diapers (ages 1 & 2) I always had to have baby wipes around. I used to wash my face with them because they worked very well in getting make-up off. After the kids were potty-trained, I found that having wipes around still made sense. The sticky fingers from jam, the dirty face before getting in the car and stuff like that. One thing I found was Huggies wipes are a little harsher than Pampers wipes so pampers were the preferred brand. I still keep wipes around and they are the PERFECT substitute for TP when you are out! You simply can't beat the softness, cleansing ability, strength and scent of these wipes. Glorious!

[Dakota6941]

Yeah Brown, I've used paper towels myself for wiping. I can't remember whether they were Brawny or Bounty! They sure work a lot better than Kleenex, however. Di, are baby wipes the same as wet wipes for adults? I've never knowingly used either.

[Brown Streak]

Never tried baby wipes, although in a situation without much regular TP I have used those "moist towelettes" like Wash 'n Dri or Wet Ones. They have alcohol in them so your hands dry quickly, so it feels like I think aftershave would feel down there! Di, are those baby wipes thicker than the adult moist ass wipes? As a result of the controversy over moist wipes among PR posters, I bought a box of them. Talk about bleed-through! Because the wipes are moist, they seem to liquify the shit, which then bleeds through to your hand. I still haven't finished the tub of wipes!

[ganja fairy]

maybe if you used regular tp before the wipes you could get the cleanness of the wet wipes without the bleedthrough?

[Brown Streak]

I've tried completing the job with the regular TP then using a moist wipe for the finishing touch, but whatever little residue there is seems to bleed through. Noticing this, I tried holding the wet wipe in a wad of regular TP, but I didn't really feel like the wet wipes were worth all this effort.

[Dakota6941]

Have any of you folks ever used leaves for wiping? I only tried it once when I was in my early teens. I was raised on a farm. One day I was out with some cousins several miles from nowhere and needed to take a crap. I told them about my problem and they told me to just go ahead. I said: "What do I use for toilet paper?" These dudes were both older than me and just laughed saying: "Use some fucking leaves!" So I dropped trou right there while they waited and dropped my load. Afterward I tried to clean up with some leaves. Shit, they partly did the job, but they left my asshole raw, burning and irritated. My two cousins just about died laughing at my stupidity. I never tried leaves again!

[Di Uhreea]

The wipes I'm talking about are considerably thicker than "wet ones" or "moist towelettes". Maybe 3 or 4 times thicker? There is NO leak through and for the aloe-admirers, they come in that flavor too. Just a suggestion and only used if completely out of TP. That would be some nasty-ass expensive way to wipe away the poop souffle.

Leaves suck for so many reasons...
-dirt
-bugs
-poisonous leaves
-too smooth
-too small

[Dakota6941]

Di, I kinda wonder whether that first (and last) time I used leaves, I didn't use poison ivy by mistake? I remember real well that my asshole and the surrounding area burned real bad for a few hours and the area was also extremely itchy. It's interesting that in this small poll only 50% of folks have used something other than TP for wiping. I guess it's determined by how often you have to take shit in a public restroom. I do so often so I've been in the situation without TP a lot of times! I keep saying that I've learned my lesson, but when I'm in a hurry to take a dump, I sometimes forget to check or carry a TP substitute with me!

[corncob]

Dakota, I'm guessing if it was poison ivy, your ass would be burning more than a little, and for more than a few hours! Maybe even if it wasn't poison ivy, it was a kind of leaf that had slightly... volatile juice. Using it to wipe would probably crush up the leaf a little, letting any juice out. And your butthole is a mucous membrane... not good times.

If you fold wet wipes over a couple times, you don't have the bleed-through problem. I wouldn't waste a wet wipe on the first wipe, but it's good for getting out those stubborn traces and leaving your ass feeling fresh and clean.