The operative word here, for me, is "Folgers".

I only fart sometimes in the morning. I've had a couple unlucky moments where I wake myself up because I farted. Of course all these moments never seem to happen when Im alone :( lol

_______
40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

Usually twice, sometimes more, in the morning. I then proceed to La Toilette.

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

GottaGoGirl (2004) -- 03.15.2007
The operative word here, for me, is "Folgers".

Amen, Sister!

Not first thing though I have been known to fart while asleep which I have to say fills me with horror knowing I'll soon be in the sky for 23 hours flying across to Australia. I pity the poor buggers who are going to be on the receiving end of some of my gaseous monsters!

I usually don't fart all that much first thing. It takes about an hour for the mojo gas to start moving; at which point I'm trapped in my car.

But then again, I can lift a cheek on the leather seat and make much louder explosions than I am capable of in the open air alone.

It kind of makes me proud.

_______
It's YOUR cat, YOU get his poop out of my sink!

I fart during my morning shower. They sound louder for some reason. My husband farts in bed. He tried to Dutch Oven me once.

He tried to Dutch Oven you? That's love :-)

I usually fart when I sit down to pee in the morning.

First and second, in either order, are fart and scratch.

There is nothing like a nice crispy fart first thing in the morning. It not only trumpets a brand new day it gives you an indication as to what your intestinal tract has in store for you the rest of the day.
_______
The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

I have not noticed that I fart first thing in the morning, though I may fart later in the day. There are, of course, a few exceptions, but they are not a regular occurrence. If I've eaten something really spicy or greasy, or there's a low pressure storm outside, or I was already gassy when I went to bed, I'll definitely blow the ass trumpet to herald in the day.

Now my dad was a regular farter. (From both ends, but that's another story.) Dad always had this way of farting that reverberated through the furniture and could be felt through the floor three rooms away. I always knew he was awake because the first thing he did every morning was rip a huge bubble.

_______
If a man farts and no one's around, does he make a sound?

I usually begin farting while I'm at the computer, checking out Poop Report, while waiting for the coffee to finish brewing. Of course, the farting also signals the impending arrival of my morning dump.

After considering the topic of farts, it has occurred to me that I fart 95% of the time, with a genuine one to nineteen ratio, on the pot. I rarely fart when I'm not sitting on the john. This being the case, I chose the last option; I'm just not that gassy.

In the metaphysical scheme of things, in the spirit of balance, I think the Shit Volcano has the majority of my farts, leaving me with a pittance of what could be. It's all good.

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

ermm i dont usaully fart in the mornings...

Every morning, in the shower, just after wetting my cheeks, so its good and moist sounding...only once has the sound been an actual "event" rather than "This is a test of the emergency Buttcast system...had this been a real emergency...etc"

Like Daphne, I find myself doing a lot of my farting in the toilet. I also fart when I do pilates.

Many plates of Mexican food and 8 pints of real ale yesterday = alarm clock material.

I must have rolled over early this morning and displaced a massive gas build up which erupted from my ring like a volcanic blast and woke me up.

Morning farts depend on what I've consumed the previous evening, but I have to admit I enjoy watching my cats fly off the bed when I get off a good one.

I normally rip ass first thing this is a thing of beauty lasts about 20 seconds changes pitch 3 to 4 times and sends the dog running off the bed to take cover in the basement as he seems to think a tornado is ripping through our horse ranch

Man, just the other morning, as I woke up sounding my ass trumpet, I was wondering about this very same topic. I let out some big farts first thing while taking my morning pee. Now I know I'm not alone.

I let out a humungous ripper this morning while standing at a public urinal taking a pee. I was awfully glad I was alone in there, could have been a bit embarrassing. It smelled absolutely dreadful!

I've never woken myself up but I've been woken up by my wife's expulsions. All that borscht she eats makes her ass sound like a tuba and not a trumpet.

As for me, yeah, I fart in the morning. I try to do it, however, before I get to the kitchen and start fixing everyone breakfast.
_______
Deja Poo - Because this shit's so strange, it couldn't ever have happened before.

its like clock work for me every morning i rip a juicer and i dont even remember that I do it. ITs beautiful. I need to start recording them so I can hear my horn toot

Every single morning, at the same exact time (about 7:02), my boyfriend lets out the loudest and longest fart I have ever heard. It's always the SAME length, with the SAME sound.It almost sounds like a bunch of bad fireworks ingiting all at once. It has come to the point that I no longer have to use my alarm clock, which works out great for me. The dog takes cover, and sometimes she will make sure to be out of the "line of fire" once 7:01 hits. Sad part is, he has no idea ANY of this occurs( I have to tell him later that day) becuse he is still sleeping...even though after every one he will let out a silent chuckle and roll over...THANKS!!!

Any suggestions on what I can do to produce massive loud long farts? The key is to be able to produce the great farts without giving myself the runs!!! This can be tricky. Suggestions? Flax seed? Psyllium husk? Beans? Nuts? Onion rings? Milk shakes? Beer? WHAT??? We all have different bodies that react differently to different foods, but there has got to be a recipe that will work on everyone! Where are the fart pros???

Yep, I let it rip in the morning... It sucks, because there is so much pressure up there and BOOM: waky-waky. The ass trumpet is so nice to alert me to wake up.

several hours usually not till i get to my office then i start dropping ass on a regular basis until about 9 am then its off to my shitter , there are some mornings i need to call the sewage plant and tell them to put the big blades in because the motherload is on the way

I'm with FARTMAN. Whats the stuff most people rip their jocks apart with farts after eating? I know
beans, beans, beans - but there must be some other fuel we can ingest to create those Big Bangers!

I fart copiously and evily in the build up to a good shit, then for a while after when there's nothing left inside but air! But it's nothing to do with the time of day, I'm irregular in anything to do with the bowels - they can strike at any time!

_First thing in the morning the ass trumpet wakes the cats. They usually give "that look" and go back to sleep. Seems lately they have sought their own form of payback and will get im my face with the nastiest cat "morning breath". I have some smart-ass pussies._____
Producing waste since 1967

I personally do not pass gas first thing in the morning. Whatever gas I've accumulated from dinner is emitted by bedtime because I do not eat anything at all after dinner. My husband, however, rips a really loud one off every morning like clockwork. I know I speak for many women on the boards when I say his loud, obnoxious, disgusting farts are an excellent form of birth control.

I nearly always cut a pretty good one before getting out of bed. Then I usually cut a smaller one during my first or second cup of coffee. That's (hopefully) a signal that I'll be ready for a nice relaxing sit on the pot in about 30 minutes. Once I'm on the pot, however, it's just me a a few turds, without any fart friends.

I fart long and loud, but I try to save some for the bath tub. I like the jacuzzi effect.
_______
SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

The recipie for longest fart. Have beer all evening then a full glass of yougurt before going to sleep. In the morning you are armed with deadly WMD.....

I always let a out a big whopper of a fart right after I get out of bed. I bend over and just let it out. I don't fart much while laying down, I am a standing up assbuster.
I always fart while doing my aerobic exercise in the morning, lucky enough I am by myself when this happens. I am also a big shower farter. I love the echo that is created while in the shower. Its like the noise is amplified by two or three times and it is AMAZING!! The steam from the hot water tends to really spread the aroma around the bathroom rather quickly. I usually leave the door shut so I can really appreciate the echo and the odor. Most of my farting takes place at work though. It is a good way to keep your boss away from you. Just don't do it out loud and if he/she asks you if you farted, say,"no," I thought that you did." By the way, people with a lot of gas are healthy. When you stop cutting the cheese, then you have to worry.
Farting feels great, smells great, and it is so HEALTHY!!

I don't fart right when I get up, but it usually doesn't take long--say, 15 minutes, rarely as long as an hour. The fart, often silent, is the precursor to the b.m., and I frequently fart several times before the poop moves down into the chute. Once that happens, I rather seldom fart on the pot; at that point it's usually all solid, if sometimes a bit soft. After that, I seldom fart during the day unless I have another b.m.

This morning my farts are especially aromatic and flavourful. Robust, pungent, with mild egg and soft cheese overtones. High in the rich tangy sulfur bouquet, but not entirely overpowering. I simply love the way my buttocks vibrate, as I lay here in bed and let loose several cubic feet of methane and precious fragrant gases. My bowels and sinuses rejoice at the orchestra of intoxicating flavour. Oh, this pure sinful joy. This delicate smell, blissfully trapped beneath the sheets, awaiting a quick sampling with a deft lift of the soft smooth satin. Oh, the sensual and mischievous pleasure of it all.

Farting upon wakening occurs only about 30 % of mornings, alas! Woe to the infrequent farter for his deficient gaseous output! It depends on what I had for dinner the previous evening. When I produce gas, it can be quite an amount stored up in six to eight hours. The waking fart can be a thunderclap heard reverberating off the bedroom walls. These are usually quite fragrant from the long storage as well. As those who've read my profile know, the Good Morning Poop is on its way! Hallelujah! The waking fart is the herald of greater and more substantial ass-product soon to come, like the town crier announcing the procession of the king toward the throne! POOP IS KING! ----Captain Craptastic!!!

What a splendidly eloquent post from AC above (12.25) - well done, whoever you are!! You brought your experience to life!! Join up, please!! Help raise the standards of literacy around here!!

i am a constant emitter of noxious fumes. it never really stops.

_______
all aboard the farty train to pooterville..if you can't shit at my house, we aren't friends

Tis' as the trumpets of the dawn sounding a brief reveille when the wife and I awaken.

I always rip one when I wake up. Then once I have that first cup of coffee, it's time to head to the can for something more solid.

Everyone enjoys my first fart of the morning! It usually blows out the stale raunchy one thats still hanging around from the previous evening.

pd, when you say 'everyone', to whom are you referring?

Everyone who can't get to the fire escapes.

Morning farts, ahh the memories.
I was in Air Force basic training at Biloxi Mississippi where we started the morning with exercises. Usually leg-lifts were the first exercise on the agenda. There were probably 500 GIs exercising together so on the count of one, 500 sets of legs would rise into the air while 500 assholes would trumpet a veritable symphony of methane.

Later in life I have expelled such foul gas from my anus on my drive to work that it was still disgustingly evident ten hours later.

Do I fart first thing in the morning? I fart with abandon all day long.

_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

Ten hours later?!?!?!?
Now that is something to aspire toward!
The best I can recall is dropping my guts in the car just as we pulled up in the car park of Bunnings (a hardware super-store), then when we got back and opened the door, the stink was still there.
(and its easy to spend an hour or two at Bunnings).

I had a delivery route years ago to convenience stores. I delivered the refrigerated goods. I would wheel in their milk, eggs, oj etc and when ever I could would leave some cheese of my own in the cooler box. The cold air preserved the fart and usually the first few customers to open the glass front doors got a big surprise.

I had a friend while in the service who, on a whim, farted into his roommate's thermos early one morning. That evening he said, "Homer, I think something is spoiled in your thermos."
A thermos not only keeps hot foods hot and cold foods cold, it will keep a fart fresh for hour!

_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

Me? Oh hell yeah.
It gets my cat making the WHAT-THE-HELL-WAS-THAT face. I about laugh myself to tears.

Depending on what I ate or drank before bed, it can sound like a motorcycle convention in my room--all from the depths of my ass.

Yup, I rip ass first thing every day. Runs in the family. My parents were big rippers back in the day and my brother and I have inherited the trait too.

As for hang-time for those early AM farts. Whoa! I cut one nasty pre-dump stinker in my mom's old Honda when we were both going to the same university and sharing the car. I came back to the car after my class was over and it was still putrid in that poor old car. Then I had to drive across campus to pick up my mother. She got in and gasped "roll down the window if you're gassy!" To which I replied: "Um, yeah. That was from 2 hours ago." I swear that car stunk like impending cauliflower crap for years!

_______
Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

8 a.m. on the money, everyday (I work for myself, so I don't get out of bed until 9!) followed by the 10 a.m. dump from heaven.

_______
Did I just fart?.... Oh shit! NO!!

So when the Baroness turned the clock ahead one hour for daylight savings time, did you shit in bed?

Now this is a funny story; On the night before change of clocks, I kinda panicked, got confused etc. expecting a poopy disarster, so, trying to stink ahead, I noticed that the Baroness was doning her favourite Bowler, I waited until she fell asleep, and removed same from The Regal crown, Placing it at the side of the bed, I drifted off into a confused sleep.

(we, given the change in time and season, have a big fan in our boudoir to keep things cool)
Given the time shift, my bowel (shit! is that some kinda Freudian slip Bowel/Bowler?) I woke up too early, and luckily found said hat, and rendered bowel content into same.

For me, this was fine.

However, the hat wearer was unaware of the nights proceedings (It is important that you, as a reader, understand that throughout the night, the Baroness and I swap sides)

The Baroness awoke 1 hour early, missing the comfort of her 'titfa' reached out for same, and placed it on her regal noggin.

The shit hit the fan!!

The fan is now bust, the hat is in shreds, and her layship is undergoing more therapy.

You gotta shit at the right time!!!!

Again, I refer to time being a none spacial concept, where one event follows another.

The next event.......

After her ladyship dawning on the probability that she was a shithead.... (her words, not mine).... an order was placed for a replacement. Now these things are not cheap, at 120 quid, I shit myself again!

Only this time, it was on the cat.

As I ran down the hallway, having gotten the news of cost etc. the blummin' cat tried to avoid my panic, butt in the process, tripped me up. I land on the cat, shit myself, (over the cat)

Bearing in mind the order for that hat has already been placed on 'NOW!' delivery, the door bell rings..........

Worried about her Ladyships demeanour, I hastily get the door...

The hat has arrived!

Butt, in my haste, I forget that I have a cat, covered in shit, stuck to my backside.

The 'Cat in the Hat' now brings on a whole new meaning.

_______
Did I just fart?.... Oh shit! NO!!

Uh, that would be a yes?

No, PD, he shit in the hat and on the cat, but not in the bed.
_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

I guess my actually reading the post would be a nice touch.

Dont you touch me PD, I'll tell my mam!

_______
Did I just fart?.... Oh shit! NO!!

Once again, I find myself completely confuzzled.
BVC, are you an American living in Pommyland, or are you a genuine, bona fide, soap-dodging Pom?
I don't understand why the Baroness wears a boweller 'at to bed, either.
(I'm not slagging you here, I'm just curious. No offence intended, Sir).
Mrs. Mullet has been known to wear a padded thing that looks like a butterfly over her eyes, but never a titfa.

Am I going to have to break out my enigma machine to decypher what you just said?

Here, borrow mine.....

_______
Did I just fart?.... Oh shit! NO!!

This is one of the funniest pages I have been on. I am so glad I am not the only one who thinks this is funny. Years ago I was in the shower with my boyfriend at the time. He had to fart but didn't want me to know, so he put his finger on his butt hole hoping to silence it. It sounds just like a duck. "QUACK" I said what was that and he told me and I still laugh today about it.

Which part didn't make sense, pd?
I realise Aussie English is a bit different to Pommy English and American English, and it seems that sometimes the good Baron uses both.
Australians sometimes use rhyming-slang, like their Pommy counterparts, but I don't think Americans do.
(Notice that I am avoiding using the term 'Seppo' when referring to Americans).

Just being polite.

Be careful or we will invade you guys and take your oil...er wait, you have no oil. We'll take your kangaroos.

Hehe. Sure we have oil.
We have a product here called Goanna Oil Liniment (no joke).
Maybe thats Australia's answer to the oil crisis. Just get truckloads of goannas and squeeeeeeeze the oil out of 'em.

And for what its worth, the price of petrol here is currently $1.65/litre, or $6.60/gal. I think I might have to park the 351 under a tree and just walk away...

Today I had gotten up to pee a little before 5 a.m., and I was then thirsty, so I had a couple of Dixie cups of water. I went back to bed to sleep some more, but didn't succeed, because, gradually but definitely, I felt the urge to poop. I tried to get back to sleep anyway, but the poop rapidly became no longer discretionary, but mandatory. So I got up, went into the bathroom, sat down, and pooped. It was brief but otherwise normal. After that I was thoroughly awake; no point in trying to get back to sleep after a bowel movement. Did I fart? Yes, during my pee session about 20 minutes earlier; not before or during the b.m. Is there anyone else out there who has started the day with a poop, even before you farted?

It.....is.....a......violation.....of.....all......laws.....of......physics.......to.....poop.....before......you......fart. Perhaps.....you......should......have.....your......black......hole.......checked.....out.

Steven Hawking

It always starts like clock work for me. Starting the day around 8:30am and 4 minutes later I'm sounding the ass horn. Sometimes it's with such pressure and volume that I nearly blow an o-ring. Scares the hell out of my cat, pisses off the wife, I love it. She farts on me in her sleep so it's payback time in the morning. Then usually after the morning cup of coffee it's time to lay the the cable and usually clog the toilet. It's a great part of waking up !

Every single frickin day

My need to fart in the morning often wakes me up. It is not so deadly butt it is always very loud and very long. The second I come to conscienceness I'm aware of the huge pressure building in my rectum and sigmoid colon. .
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

sittingpretty, I often have the same problem. I usually wake up just before farting. Must have something to do with the buildup of pressure.

I am the Grand Imperial Poobah of morning sheet shakers.
Cabbage, cottage cheese and chili are my weapons of choice.
My farts actually scare people, Im not kidding.
When I fart, my dog yelps and hides behind the dresser. My wife divorced me due to my rectal rumblings, it is that bad.
I actually was prescribed a butt plug by a specialist but upon trying it, I fired a penetrator that blew the ass cork threw the drywall in my bedroom into the next apartment and killed the neighbors cat.
I am an isolated man now due to the fact that nobody is safe with firing distance.
I live daily in my own living hell with nothing to show but tears and scorched skidmarks.

I fart first thing in the morning while I am peeing. After that I fart again before I have to poop.

I thought my morning fart routine was normal but i now see it is not. I fart like a maniac at first light, literally dozens of long, loud duvet lifters. I can wake myself up with them, and every morning without fail i giggle to myself. I know my neighbour also hears them for i hear her giggling too. It has been long been an ambition of mine to form these farts into the sound of a crowing cockerel, if i can master that, then i can die a happy man.

Just for giggles, the Baroness referes to morning farts as 'the wind in the pillows'

_______
Did I just fart?.... Oh shit! NO!!

She loves a good read!

_______
Did I just fart?.... Oh shit! NO!!

It's the battle cry of my ass warming up. If I have a few loud farts, I know I'm gonna have a firm shit. If not, grab the butt-mop.
_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

i never stop farting. i live with 4 kids and a trucker. the farting is endless, if we had any pets the house would probably blowup if someone struck a match. side note, maybe i'm a dipshit here but what the hell is a Pommy English?

Mrs. Crapper, they are much like the Daft Scotsmen, the Balmy Irish, and the Poofter Welsh.
_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Mrs Crapper, a pom is an Englishman, therefore pommy english is the original language, from which all other have been bastardized. Aussies call us pommys or limeys, we call them sheepshaggers and frecklebacks, its all good fun.
Oh and Bilge, you forgot to mention the Fat Yanks.

Banana, Daphne is NOT going to appreciate the fact that you called her fat.
_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

I don't get it (then again, I don't understand a lot of things Bilge says)
_______
Peace, Love, Twilight.

Bilge, i take it that now is a justifiable time to shit myself

Airbiscuit, your story is so sad. Did you go to the doctor about your gas problem before she divorced you? Did your vows read until death do you fart? Postman, If I fart while asleep, the farting incorporates itself into my dream. When I have pain while sleeping and too tired to wake up, I'm in pain in my dreams. The same thing happens to me with hunger. I can't sleep in smelliness. A stinky fart assaulting my olefactory nerve will most certainly wake me up.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Wow.

If I'm laying on my stomach when I wake, the *first* fart blows the covers off and I rise and greet the day. If I'm laying on my left side I blow the covers and old lady into the wall, and if on my right side the cat usually gets a free flight lesson.

I am not shitting you, I have the most powerful farts you've ever seen/heard. I don't wear shorts in the winter so the powerful blasts can help keep my feet warm..the added advantage to that is my feet smell like hot musty ass instead of stinky feet.
I could tell you more if anyone wants to hear about it.

No, thats OK, Stinkhole, I take your word for it.
I'm sure that you can blow a hole in a square foot of fibro, and have probably been commissioned by Hollywood movie producers to emulate storm noises for cartoons, too.
_______
I don't bite my nails, 'cause I don't like the taste of whats under 'em.

Hey Stinkhole, I would thoroughly enjoy hearing all about the thunderous farts. I have been on here laughing my ass off all goddamn morning. This site is the shit!

(pun intended)

Personally, I rip ass on a constant basis. It's actually quite ridiculous, and yet so fulfilling. Ever since I was a little nugget, my butthole has been extremely active. It never gets old though, and you can bet your ass that I giggle uncontrollably every time. Even after 3 years of dating, my boyfriend is still astounded at the frequency, ferocity and potpourri (diverse in both smell AND sound) of stinky air that I shamelessly and proudly expel. Even his impressive flatulence is no match for mine. I am, however, most notorious for my mastery in egg, broccoli, and milk farts. Blessed farting to all.

_______
Le Stink ...

I like waking up and warming up the bed with a good greasy guff and luckily, so does my girlfriend. It smells like the inside of an egg sandwich, some mornings.

Strangely, this morning's gentle lovepuff had the same aroma which emenates from uncollected trashbags in the summer. It wasn't conducive to romance.

Madame Le Stink....I was going to welcome you to Poop Report but I checked your profile and it says you have been here over three years.
Have you been lurking in the wings?

I once farted in the refrigerator to see if chilling would improve the aroma. I couldn't tell any difference and the kids got mad at me.
_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

Hey Chief you might be interested to know that you can freeze a fart with liquid nitrogen. Then when you thaw it out the smell will be unbelievably concentrated. Maybe we could freeze your farts and use them as weapons of ass destruction.
_______
Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Chief, indeed I have been lurking. I've been reading everything on this site for years, and today was actually my first time back on in a while. I am certain I have posted on here before, but it was a long time ago and I can't seem to locate my posts anymore. Ah, well. there's plenty of shit stories to share yet.

_______
Le Stink ...

Sorry Madame, but Blind Mullet's mockery of my sonic colon has left me deflated. I won't have my superior wind producing abilities belittled in such a fashion. Perhaps in a more conducive environment I would regale you with tales of my farting prowess, which has been practiced with vigor since the first melodious toot out of my little pink stinker.

I do have an observation/question for the early morning stench emitters - I've noticed that if I rip a fart while I'm pissing out a heavy bladder that the force of the piss stream drops in proportion to the drop in colonic pressure. Anyone else notice a pneumatic/hydraulic connection?

Mrs MC, I am glad you have given me that information about fart freezing. I have been thinking about having my body cryogenically frozen upon death, but the cost seems prohibitive. Perhaps I can have one of my farts frozen for someone in the future to enjoy at a reasonable cost.

In a few weeks I will be in an area where it will be in the -20 to -40 range. I may try some fart experiments while there.

Freeze those babies up, put a wooden stick in them, and there you have it - Fartscicles.

Only thing is, how would you market a product like that?

Most likely would have to be marketed by Ron Popiel. He could throw in a Vidalia Wizard with each Fartsicle machine. (just pay seperate shipping and handling)

The first thing in the am I usually rip a huge fart while taking a piss.. Thats followed by a loud DAY-UM by my roommate who then follows with a symphony of trumpet blasts in the other bathroom..