Do you fart first thing in the morning

// 108 Comments
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Every morning is like death in my bedroom.
59% (923 votes)
Sometimes the Folgers isn't all that's brewing (after I've been up for a bit.)
19% (300 votes)
It only seems to start when I'm carpooling to work/school.
9% (137 votes)
My bowels take several hours to get ready for the day.
13% (197 votes)
Total votes: 1557

108 Comments on "Do you fart first thing in the morning"

Rattz's picture
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Me? Oh hell yeah.
It gets my cat making the WHAT-THE-HELL-WAS-THAT face. I about laugh myself to tears.

Depending on what I ate or drank before bed, it can sound like a motorcycle convention in my room--all from the depths of my ass.

shitwit's picture
k 500+ points
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Yup, I rip ass first thing every day. Runs in the family. My parents were big rippers back in the day and my brother and I have inherited the trait too.

As for hang-time for those early AM farts. Whoa! I cut one nasty pre-dump stinker in my mom's old Honda when we were both going to the same university and sharing the car. I came back to the car after my class was over and it was still putrid in that poor old car. Then I had to drive across campus to pick up my mother. She got in and gasped "roll down the window if you're gassy!" To which I replied: "Um, yeah. That was from 2 hours ago." I swear that car stunk like impending cauliflower crap for years!

_______
Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

baron von crapalot's picture
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8 a.m. on the money, everyday (I work for myself, so I don't get out of bed until 9!) followed by the 10 a.m. dump from heaven.

_______
Did I just fart?.... Oh shit! NO!!

I hope to god I've just sat in a Shepard's pie.

prarie doggin's picture
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So when the Baroness turned the clock ahead one hour for daylight savings time, did you shit in bed?

baron von crapalot's picture
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Now this is a funny story; On the night before change of clocks, I kinda panicked, got confused etc. expecting a poopy disarster, so, trying to stink ahead, I noticed that the Baroness was doning her favourite Bowler, I waited until she fell asleep, and removed same from The Regal crown, Placing it at the side of the bed, I drifted off into a confused sleep.

(we, given the change in time and season, have a big fan in our boudoir to keep things cool)
Given the time shift, my bowel (shit! is that some kinda Freudian slip Bowel/Bowler?) I woke up too early, and luckily found said hat, and rendered bowel content into same.

For me, this was fine.

However, the hat wearer was unaware of the nights proceedings (It is important that you, as a reader, understand that throughout the night, the Baroness and I swap sides)

The Baroness awoke 1 hour early, missing the comfort of her 'titfa' reached out for same, and placed it on her regal noggin.

The shit hit the fan!!

The fan is now bust, the hat is in shreds, and her layship is undergoing more therapy.

You gotta shit at the right time!!!!

Again, I refer to time being a none spacial concept, where one event follows another.

The next event.......

After her ladyship dawning on the probability that she was a shithead.... (her words, not mine).... an order was placed for a replacement. Now these things are not cheap, at 120 quid, I shit myself again!

Only this time, it was on the cat.

As I ran down the hallway, having gotten the news of cost etc. the blummin' cat tried to avoid my panic, butt in the process, tripped me up. I land on the cat, shit myself, (over the cat)

Bearing in mind the order for that hat has already been placed on 'NOW!' delivery, the door bell rings..........

Worried about her Ladyships demeanour, I hastily get the door...

The hat has arrived!

Butt, in my haste, I forget that I have a cat, covered in shit, stuck to my backside.

The 'Cat in the Hat' now brings on a whole new meaning.

_______
Did I just fart?.... Oh shit! NO!!

I hope to god I've just sat in a Shepard's pie.

prarie doggin's picture
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Uh, that would be a yes?

Bilgepump's picture
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No, PD, he shit in the hat and on the cat, but not in the bed.
_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

prarie doggin's picture
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I guess my actually reading the post would be a nice touch.

baron von crapalot's picture
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Dont you touch me PD, I'll tell my mam!

_______
Did I just fart?.... Oh shit! NO!!

I hope to god I've just sat in a Shepard's pie.

Blind Mullet's picture
k 500+ points
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Once again, I find myself completely confuzzled.
BVC, are you an American living in Pommyland, or are you a genuine, bona fide, soap-dodging Pom?
I don't understand why the Baroness wears a boweller 'at to bed, either.
(I'm not slagging you here, I'm just curious. No offence intended, Sir).
Mrs. Mullet has been known to wear a padded thing that looks like a butterfly over her eyes, but never a titfa.

The white zone is for loading and unloading only- FZ.

prarie doggin's picture
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Am I going to have to break out my enigma machine to decypher what you just said?

baron von crapalot's picture
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Here, borrow mine.....

_______
Did I just fart?.... Oh shit! NO!!

I hope to god I've just sat in a Shepard's pie.

NemosPoop's picture
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This is one of the funniest pages I have been on. I am so glad I am not the only one who thinks this is funny. Years ago I was in the shower with my boyfriend at the time. He had to fart but didn't want me to know, so he put his finger on his butt hole hoping to silence it. It sounds just like a duck. "QUACK" I said what was that and he told me and I still laugh today about it.

Blind Mullet's picture
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Which part didn't make sense, pd?
I realise Aussie English is a bit different to Pommy English and American English, and it seems that sometimes the good Baron uses both.
Australians sometimes use rhyming-slang, like their Pommy counterparts, but I don't think Americans do.
(Notice that I am avoiding using the term 'Seppo' when referring to Americans).

Just being polite.

The white zone is for loading and unloading only- FZ.

prarie doggin's picture
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Be careful or we will invade you guys and take your oil...er wait, you have no oil. We'll take your kangaroos.

Blind Mullet's picture
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Hehe. Sure we have oil.
We have a product here called Goanna Oil Liniment (no joke).
Maybe thats Australia's answer to the oil crisis. Just get truckloads of goannas and squeeeeeeeze the oil out of 'em.

And for what its worth, the price of petrol here is currently $1.65/litre, or $6.60/gal. I think I might have to park the 351 under a tree and just walk away...

The white zone is for loading and unloading only- FZ.

MSG's picture
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Today I had gotten up to pee a little before 5 a.m., and I was then thirsty, so I had a couple of Dixie cups of water. I went back to bed to sleep some more, but didn't succeed, because, gradually but definitely, I felt the urge to poop. I tried to get back to sleep anyway, but the poop rapidly became no longer discretionary, but mandatory. So I got up, went into the bathroom, sat down, and pooped. It was brief but otherwise normal. After that I was thoroughly awake; no point in trying to get back to sleep after a bowel movement. Did I fart? Yes, during my pee session about 20 minutes earlier; not before or during the b.m. Is there anyone else out there who has started the day with a poop, even before you farted?

prarie doggin's picture
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It.....is.....a......violation.....of.....all......laws.....of......physics.......to.....poop.....before......you......fart. Perhaps.....you......should......have.....your......black......hole.......checked.....out.

Steven Hawking

superslam915's picture
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It always starts like clock work for me. Starting the day around 8:30am and 4 minutes later I'm sounding the ass horn. Sometimes it's with such pressure and volume that I nearly blow an o-ring. Scares the hell out of my cat, pisses off the wife, I love it. She farts on me in her sleep so it's payback time in the morning. Then usually after the morning cup of coffee it's time to lay the the cable and usually clog the toilet. It's a great part of waking up !

Postman's picture
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Every single frickin day

sittingpretty's picture
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My need to fart in the morning often wakes me up. It is not so deadly butt it is always very loud and very long. The second I come to conscienceness I'm aware of the huge pressure building in my rectum and sigmoid colon. .
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Postman's picture
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sittingpretty, I often have the same problem. I usually wake up just before farting. Must have something to do with the buildup of pressure.

Air Biscuit Bob's picture
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I am the Grand Imperial Poobah of morning sheet shakers.
Cabbage, cottage cheese and chili are my weapons of choice.
My farts actually scare people, Im not kidding.
When I fart, my dog yelps and hides behind the dresser. My wife divorced me due to my rectal rumblings, it is that bad.
I actually was prescribed a butt plug by a specialist but upon trying it, I fired a penetrator that blew the ass cork threw the drywall in my bedroom into the next apartment and killed the neighbors cat.
I am an isolated man now due to the fact that nobody is safe with firing distance.
I live daily in my own living hell with nothing to show but tears and scorched skidmarks.

hayley's picture
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I fart first thing in the morning while I am peeing. After that I fart again before I have to poop.

Bananaman's picture
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I thought my morning fart routine was normal but i now see it is not. I fart like a maniac at first light, literally dozens of long, loud duvet lifters. I can wake myself up with them, and every morning without fail i giggle to myself. I know my neighbour also hears them for i hear her giggling too. It has been long been an ambition of mine to form these farts into the sound of a crowing cockerel, if i can master that, then i can die a happy man.

baron von crapalot's picture
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Just for giggles, the Baroness referes to morning farts as 'the wind in the pillows'

_______
Did I just fart?.... Oh shit! NO!!

I hope to god I've just sat in a Shepard's pie.

baron von crapalot's picture
k 500+ points
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She loves a good read!

_______
Did I just fart?.... Oh shit! NO!!

I hope to god I've just sat in a Shepard's pie.

RoboCrap13's picture
l 100+ points
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It's the battle cry of my ass warming up. If I have a few loud farts, I know I'm gonna have a firm shit. If not, grab the butt-mop.
_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

Mrs. Mad Crapper's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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i never stop farting. i live with 4 kids and a trucker. the farting is endless, if we had any pets the house would probably blowup if someone struck a match. side note, maybe i'm a dipshit here but what the hell is a Pommy English?

Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Mrs. Crapper, they are much like the Daft Scotsmen, the Balmy Irish, and the Poofter Welsh.
_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Bananaman's picture
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Mrs Crapper, a pom is an Englishman, therefore pommy english is the original language, from which all other have been bastardized. Aussies call us pommys or limeys, we call them sheepshaggers and frecklebacks, its all good fun.
Oh and Bilge, you forgot to mention the Fat Yanks.

Bilgepump's picture
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Banana, Daphne is NOT going to appreciate the fact that you called her fat.
_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

LeandraCullen's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points
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I don't get it (then again, I don't understand a lot of things Bilge says)
_______
Peace, Love, Twilight.

The Original Grasshopper

Bananaman's picture
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Bilge, i take it that now is a justifiable time to shit myself

sittingpretty's picture
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Airbiscuit, your story is so sad. Did you go to the doctor about your gas problem before she divorced you? Did your vows read until death do you fart? Postman, If I fart while asleep, the farting incorporates itself into my dream. When I have pain while sleeping and too tired to wake up, I'm in pain in my dreams. The same thing happens to me with hunger. I can't sleep in smelliness. A stinky fart assaulting my olefactory nerve will most certainly wake me up.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Brad Krueger's picture
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Wow.

StinkHole's picture
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If I'm laying on my stomach when I wake, the *first* fart blows the covers off and I rise and greet the day. If I'm laying on my left side I blow the covers and old lady into the wall, and if on my right side the cat usually gets a free flight lesson.

I am not shitting you, I have the most powerful farts you've ever seen/heard. I don't wear shorts in the winter so the powerful blasts can help keep my feet warm..the added advantage to that is my feet smell like hot musty ass instead of stinky feet.
I could tell you more if anyone wants to hear about it.

Blind Mullet's picture
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No, thats OK, Stinkhole, I take your word for it.
I'm sure that you can blow a hole in a square foot of fibro, and have probably been commissioned by Hollywood movie producers to emulate storm noises for cartoons, too.
_______
I don't bite my nails, 'cause I don't like the taste of whats under 'em.

The white zone is for loading and unloading only- FZ.

Madame Le Stink's picture
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Hey Stinkhole, I would thoroughly enjoy hearing all about the thunderous farts. I have been on here laughing my ass off all goddamn morning. This site is the shit!

(pun intended)

Personally, I rip ass on a constant basis. It's actually quite ridiculous, and yet so fulfilling. Ever since I was a little nugget, my butthole has been extremely active. It never gets old though, and you can bet your ass that I giggle uncontrollably every time. Even after 3 years of dating, my boyfriend is still astounded at the frequency, ferocity and potpourri (diverse in both smell AND sound) of stinky air that I shamelessly and proudly expel. Even his impressive flatulence is no match for mine. I am, however, most notorious for my mastery in egg, broccoli, and milk farts. Blessed farting to all.


_______
Le Stink ...

Le Stink ...

El Scumbag's picture
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I like waking up and warming up the bed with a good greasy guff and luckily, so does my girlfriend. It smells like the inside of an egg sandwich, some mornings.

Strangely, this morning's gentle lovepuff had the same aroma which emenates from uncollected trashbags in the summer. It wasn't conducive to romance.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
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Madame Le Stink....I was going to welcome you to Poop Report but I checked your profile and it says you have been here over three years.
Have you been lurking in the wings?

I once farted in the refrigerator to see if chilling would improve the aroma. I couldn't tell any difference and the kids got mad at me.
_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Mrs. Mad Crapper's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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Hey Chief you might be interested to know that you can freeze a fart with liquid nitrogen. Then when you thaw it out the smell will be unbelievably concentrated. Maybe we could freeze your farts and use them as weapons of ass destruction.
_______
Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Madame Le Stink's picture
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Chief, indeed I have been lurking. I've been reading everything on this site for years, and today was actually my first time back on in a while. I am certain I have posted on here before, but it was a long time ago and I can't seem to locate my posts anymore. Ah, well. there's plenty of shit stories to share yet.


_______
Le Stink ...

Le Stink ...

StinkHole's picture
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Sorry Madame, but Blind Mullet's mockery of my sonic colon has left me deflated. I won't have my superior wind producing abilities belittled in such a fashion. Perhaps in a more conducive environment I would regale you with tales of my farting prowess, which has been practiced with vigor since the first melodious toot out of my little pink stinker.

I do have an observation/question for the early morning stench emitters - I've noticed that if I rip a fart while I'm pissing out a heavy bladder that the force of the piss stream drops in proportion to the drop in colonic pressure. Anyone else notice a pneumatic/hydraulic connection?

prarie doggin's picture
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Mrs MC, I am glad you have given me that information about fart freezing. I have been thinking about having my body cryogenically frozen upon death, but the cost seems prohibitive. Perhaps I can have one of my farts frozen for someone in the future to enjoy at a reasonable cost.

In a few weeks I will be in an area where it will be in the -20 to -40 range. I may try some fart experiments while there.

Postman's picture
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Freeze those babies up, put a wooden stick in them, and there you have it - Fartscicles.

Only thing is, how would you market a product like that?

prarie doggin's picture
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Most likely would have to be marketed by Ron Popiel. He could throw in a Vidalia Wizard with each Fartsicle machine. (just pay seperate shipping and handling)

yoyoyo's picture
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The first thing in the am I usually rip a huge fart while taking a piss.. Thats followed by a loud DAY-UM by my roommate who then follows with a symphony of trumpet blasts in the other bathroom..

Anonymous Coward's picture
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I fart all day every day. Not little sqeakers but full blown sulphur/egg farts. Found this site while searching to try and figure it out. I take fish oil and flax seed oil for my high blood pressure and think thats it, although that big bowl of oatmeal every morning maybe the culprit also. Any thoughts?

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
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AC..........The fiber in oatmeal makes me fart copiously. I was once very hungry and ate three fiber bars that contained oatmeal. My farts that morning were legendary.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!