What's your favorite form of entertainment whilst on the commode?

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109 Comments on "What's your favorite form of entertainment whilst on the commode?"

wonderpance's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points
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i chose the first option. for the most part, i'm not on the toilet long enough to get bored.
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i love poop.

i love poop.

Leaky Bowel King's picture
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Well I voted other because being on the toilet for me is a long, drawn out affair. When I was a kid, if I didn't have a book to read, I would start reading the labels on everything in the bathroom. Now that I have my dingleberry, if I'm at home I can listen to music and read poop report or some other website while I'm pooping, andif I'm at work, I'll usually read poop report while taking care of business.

Comrade Poopov's picture
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I have stacks of house plan books on the back of my toilet. I always flip through them when I'm making tootsie rolls.

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Blowing you chocolate kisses from my butt...

Blowing you chocolate kisses from my butt...

Frank2401's picture
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I like to read catalogues, magazines, and other mail. I love junk mail!

Thunderbox's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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The same as always - I sit there and contemplate how best to achieve world domination.

The voice of sanity

Squat-n-leaveit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points
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Same as always - I sit there and contemplate how best to achieve swirled elimination.

spattacus's picture
l 100+ points
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It used to be a book, but since I found that sitting on the crapper too long and conciously/unconsiously straining makes my 'roid real mad, I do as short an unload as possible.

El Scumbag's picture
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I almost always have to have a book on the loo. Sometimes I don't actually read it, just having a book in my hands is enough. It's almost become a necessary prop.

In public toilets it's different as I don't always have reading matter with me but on those occasions I usually find that I think about things quite deeply. I suppose that my mind has to be at least partially occupied with something else for me to properly enjoy a good bowel movement. Considering how obsessed with shit and shitting I am, I find it quite odd that I don't concentrate solely on the joy of delivering the brown baby. I think it must be because when I'm mentally occupied I'm more relaxed and I can drop my fudge with it finishing off comfortably and neatly, while if I concentrate solely on the job I tend to crimp it off too early, my arsehole takes ages to shut, and I end up with a million wiper.

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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I'm usually grooming my ass wipe, the fucker sheds a lot, and the claws need to be constantly trimmed.
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The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Poopsy McGee's picture
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I've noticed that pooping itself can be something of an art form for the fellas. Something to look forward to, something to ponder over, something to brag about or something to be enjoyed.

I just want to get it over with. Somethimes I look in the bowl and think "Fuck. No wonder that one hurt." or "Jesus. That was like pooing hair mousse." That's about all the entertainment I get out of a trip to el bano.

Leaky Bowel King's picture
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Haha. Well poopsie at you least you can figure out why yours hurt so bad. On the rare ocassions when I do have solid shit I'll rock back and forth and sing my songs that are playing and try not to think about the pain, only to stand up and look in the bowl to discover that 15 agonizing minutes were wasted on two tiny rabbit turds. It's bullshit. And I have to be doing something when I poop or I get bored. It also takes my mind of the pain. I can be doubled over in pain with liquid shit about to pour out of my ass and I'll have to find my blackberry before I hit the toilet.

El Scumbag's picture
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Oh yeah Poopsie, it's that alright. Shitting is the greatest thing in the world for many of my species. It certainly is for me. In fact if I had to choose between never shitting again or never having sex again, I'd choose the latter.

Yet, I need to multi-task in order to get the most out of it and obtain the most enjoyment. Bloody odd business, pooing, y'know.

Logjam's picture
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I'd say "whacking off," but I consider this not entertainment but health care. Ever since the study reporting that daily masturbation cuts the risk of prostrate cancer, I’ve been trying to be more diligent about it. And I could say “dealing myself practice poker hands,” but this is to improve my winnings at the weekly poker game. So I use my toilet time wisely. As far as entertainment goes, you can’t really do better than a crap.

Logjam

El Scumbag's picture
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A multi-tasking bathroom visit is known as an ASWAD. A Slash Wank And Dump.

Knocking one out in the loo is a fine thing that I really haven't done for a bloody long time, so thanks for the reminder Logjam. Now if you'll excuse me for a moment...

Mrs. Mad Crapper's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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I like to read Popular Mechanics while shitting. If I take the time to shut the door I might get 2 whole sentences read before someone comes to the door and says,"Mom, whatcha doin in there?"
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Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Fanny Flatulence's picture
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Hey Mrs Mad Crapper: It sounds like your kids at least stop at the door. Mine just walk right in, hubby included, start yakking away then complain about the smell. I just tell them if they,d wait til I come out they wouldn,t have to smell it. Don't feel a bit sorry for them. The raunchier the stench the better.

phatmanxxl's picture
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Poopreport via phatphone. Sometimes I play bejeweled, it all depends what entertainment Im in the mood for.

Captain Craptastic's picture
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Enjoying a nice poop is entertainment in itself! Let's take a moment to examine this theory and all the asspects involved. On the way to the can are there some delightfully malodorous precursor farts? A little warm-up with gaseous ass product is nice to prepare. Drop trousers and have a seat, how cool is the seat this morning/afternoon/evening? Is the poop urgently pressing to come out or is a little rectal squeezing needed to get things going? When the poop begins to emerge, is it liquid, semisolid, softly solid, hard as a rock? If solid, is the distal end larger in diameter (club-shaped poop) that is hard to pass without that feeling of ripping? Is it one piece or several? What sounds are made by the poop exiting the anus? What sounds are made on water contact and how much internal pressure is revealed? Is the transfer a slow and agonizing process or does it fly right out? Any splatter expected? After coming out, is there any more left in there that needs to be pushed out?

Now that the kids are in the pool, it's time to complete the paperwork. Is this one a 'one swipe and go' or is it a dense, greasy, dry poop that takes a lot of wiping? How much paper should I use to prevent a 'breakthrough' and poopy hands? After wiping, how does your ass feel? Relieved or beat up and used?

So you see that all the fun asspects of the poop can be quite involved and entertaining. I wouldn't want any distractions while I am enjoying my end products and their evacuations. Happy Crapping!
----Captain Craptastic!!!

----Captain Craptastic!!!

Poopsy McGee's picture
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I wish I could never shit again. I really wish there was a pill to end elimination forever. Or maybe they'll invent another clever way to use Botox and freeze my colon so it atrophies. Next to vomiting, I find shitting the least enjoyable bodily function. But, boy is it funny.

I can't imagine tossing it on the toilet. I'd have to diddle and I'd be afraid my hand would get poop on it. If you finish the pulling, do you then shoot a cup of chowder all over the bathroom walls? Jackson Pollack in his gizz period.

El Scumbag's picture
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Well, depending on how you double-click your mouse Poopsie, you shouldn't get poop on your hands while doing so, but different strokes for different folks, as they say.

If I'm taking Captain Picard to warp speed while piloting the porcelain shuttlecraft, when he gets motion-sickness, I can usually pre-prepare tissues for him to vomit into.

Leaky Bowel King's picture
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How fitting you mentioned captain picard scumbag. Back a few years ago,the man who plays captain picard was on saturday night live and one of the skits he did, he was a cake decorator who only made cakes of people on the toilet. I need to see if I can find that clip an do a write up on it.

Dildo Baggins's picture
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I used to read porn while on the shitter, but after an incident when "The Crippler" got too riled up and I got stuck, I switched to more esoteric reading. I just thank God for the fire departments Jaws of Life._______
Here I sit, my cheeks a flexin' , trying to give birth to another Texan!!

Look out for Number 1, but don't step in Number2

Poopsy McGee's picture
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I'm not much of a multi-tasker and prefer to only poop or pee while sitting on the can. Never once have I felt remotely randy as I cranked out a power dump or peed for the third time in an hour. The process of shitting must stimulate a man's prostate and make him all sorts of horny. Or maybe the idea of producing something so magnificant gives a man a hard on filled with pride.

Well, at least you can call it Captain Picard and not that kling-on monstrosity.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
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I take my dump early in the day and usually take a cup of tea with me. Usually earl gray but on occasion an orange pekoe.
_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Poopsy McGee's picture
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Speaking of SNL, Leaky, have you ever seen "Dick In a Box"?

El Scumbag's picture
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Funnily enough, it looks a bit like Worf if viewed from the underside. So I'm told.

Incidentally, and sorry to go so off topic, but if you ever have an opportunity to watch Star Trek TNG dubbed into German, do so. It's hilarious, especially when they say 'Worf'.

To get back on track, I'm not sure whether it's as biological as stimulation of the prostate. It's not as of the process of crapping (which is immeasurably satisfying admittedly) is erotic and we get a semi-on just by having it stroke our inner fun-button as it glides by. The fact is, a fellow sits down with nothing better to do after a dump, and he has his naked genitals in front of him. When it's there, a chap can't help but give it a little stroke or scratch, and when that happens it's a case of "Hmmm... well, it's already out... it'd be a shame to waste it..."

Poopsy McGee's picture
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The Germans really bite into those W's, huh? Vorf!

It's probably better to give yourself a tug than to come out of the bathroom with your dick "al dente" and propose sex to your spouse or ladyfriend.

"C'mere baby, I just crapped a crap to rival all craps. Breathe deep, honey. Now let's fuck!"

El Scumbag's picture
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Well, when I come out of the bathroom these days it's more like "Lisa! Where's my fucking Anusol?" than "Hey babe... mmmm... wanna get busy?". Having my farmers burning my ring like a hot hash-rock on nylon does tend to dampen my post-poo ardour somewhat.

Although to be honest, I'm at the wrong end of my thirties so I'm always relieved and grateful to discover that the old fella still works at all.

Poopsy McGee's picture
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Now that's romance.

"Lisa, come here, love, and dab some Anusol on my balloon knot. And while you're at it, will you kindly hum "Ring of Fire" by The Pixies?"

"Uh.. it's not you baby...it's just that Vorf doesn't speak kling-on like he used to and I got some Anusol on my nutsack."

El Scumbag's picture
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Well, it was our 8-month anniversary on Friday, so 'roid massage is still undertaken with love and affection.

I actually got her to scratch my itchy butt crack in bed last night because I couldn't be bothered to do it myself.

Poopsy McGee's picture
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You should be ashamed of yourself.

Do you ask her to inspect your works of art before you flush too?

I can only hope that you are gentleman enough to return the favors and apply her itchy vag cream at night and make sure her douche nozzle is inserted properly before squeezing.

You're fucking gross. Full stop.

LeandraCullen's picture
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Whoa. Told off by Chief's mistress. Have you studied on the mountaintop, yet, ES?
_______
The Original Grasshopper

The Original Grasshopper

El Scumbag's picture
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Poopsy, I'm wondering how you have such uncanny insight into my home life...

But that's love, I guess!

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to log off. I need to go and get her some cranberry juice for her cystitis.

Poopsy McGee's picture
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Well, Leandra, I believe that Cumsucker is actually off to chant 'Om Namah Shivaya' before having yet another religious experience whist sitting on his kingly throne.

Something tells me he is far too selfish to get cranberry juice or properly postion douches. He's too busy yelling to get his flaming asshole patted dry and plotting how to turn this shit into his next incredibly well written poop report. It's all about him.

You should gift him a twee little bell to ring everytime his asshole puckers or he requires service.

LeandraCullen's picture
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Uhm, kay. All I know is he got pwned. ;D

_______
The Original Grasshopper

The Original Grasshopper

Leaky Bowel King's picture
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Well damn, ya'll are just funny as fuck. Poopsicle, why you bein so mean to scumbag? He's just british, si he comes off as a cocky lil shit. It's not really his fault. Back to poop, I have never been able to jack off while shitting. I end up having to put the shit on hold and just masturbate. Then I'll wash my hands and finish the shit. It's rather complicating.

LeandraCullen's picture
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You know what I realized? i haven't made any relavant input into my own poll. And it's the first poll I've ever submitted!

Right now, I'm on my way to the bathroom with my laptop and my MP3 player, while a book waits for me in there. So i can't really vote.
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The Original Grasshopper

The Original Grasshopper

Leaky Bowel King's picture
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Well there ya go. Just vote for one, then log out and vote as an AC for the other, then delete your cookies and do it again.

LeandraCullen's picture
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...but that's cheating.
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The Original Grasshopper

The Original Grasshopper

Postman's picture
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For me it's a magazine or the morning newspaper. I'm not enough of an intellectual to read a book.

Peristalsis's picture
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The act itself, executed without complication or incident, is enough for me. Usually I'm not in there long enough to need entertainment; I typically lay down even my bulkiest efforts in a timeframe that many of my friends find astounding. I wonder if it was because my mommy's potty training technique was so hysterical and unpleasant. One of my best friends says that his mommy made potty time into a sort of play-date complete with toys and candy, and to this day that bastard will sit on the crapper for a MINIMUM of 30-45 minutes at a time.

Crapola's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorl 100+ points
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Oh, please don't sit there on the throne and read - my doctor says that gives you hemhorroids!


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Piece Out!
Crapola

Piece Out!
Crapola

Artful Dodger's picture
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Crapola, I spend at least 30 minutes reading on the shitter every day and have yet to get even a single 'roid.

I'm moving around the rest of the day. Maybe that counteracts it.

LeandraCullen's picture
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I always read, everywhere I go, but I don't sit there. Mebbe it's because I read so fast I don't need to sit there.
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The Original Grasshopper

The Original Grasshopper

Leaky Bowel King's picture
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I read on the toilet but I don't have a problem with roids either. But I don't push and squeeze and what not. I just sit there. And when the turds are ready to make their exit, they just slide right on out.

Postman's picture
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I take my time reading on the john, but that's because it's my alone time. When that bathroom door is closed, it means stay out and leave me alone.

phatmanxxl's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points
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Im the only one who voted loptop, because I usually check out PR first when Im on the can.

Thunderbox's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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No wonder, phats, I don`t think the rest of us have heard of loptopping....well, maybe Bilge has....or Logjam.

The voice of sanity

Logjam's picture
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Loptopping? Sure. But the practice comes with considerable risks, and should only be attempted by the already circumcised.

Logjam

Bilgepump's picture
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I took a bronze medal in loptopping at the Special Olympics.

The bruises and scabs cleared up in a few weeks.


_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)