How often do you shart

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50 Comments on "How often do you shart"

Mary Queen of Scats's picture
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One time. Ever. And it was because I had the flu and happened to puke at the same time I was trying to squeek out a fart to make my gut feel better.

Damn it all.


_______
It's YOUR cat, YOU get his poop out of my sink!

Bad kitty! Bathtubs are NOT litterboxes!

The Big Wiper's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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This is definitely a once or twice in a lifetime proposition for me. So far. I am reminded of the fact that my father, who will soon be ninety, has now become incontinent.

So who knows what awaits some of us in much later life?

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Fart Poopie's picture
j 1000+ points
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I can't really recall ever sharting (if you're wondering about the name, Fart Poopie is what we called our babies' sharts).

After reading PoopReport for as long as I have, though, I've learned not to tempt fate. If you even suspect it may be a possibility, you should run to the toilet. It's better to 'air' on the side of caution.

douchepump's picture
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If you do it at home your safe. It did happen to me at work. I had to wrap it in paper towels
and hide it in the trash.

Chuck's picture
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I sharted maybe twice in my lifetime. Once was due to illness: puking and passing at the same time. The other was as sober gambler, squeezer, then loser. The first was a mess, the second was maybe a quarter-sized dollop. Both were embarrassing nonetheless.

Gaseous Glay's picture
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What about full fledged pants crapping disasters? Has that poll been taken?

Grogan's picture
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Whiskey and beer. Dont mix those unless your willing to gamble.

The Thunderous Crapper 63's picture
k 500+ points
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Watch those squeakers people you get a liiiiitle too brave there and some shit will leak out!
_______
The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

AHHHHHEMMMMMMMMMM JUST CLEARING MY THROAT!! ;)

Pantload's picture
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The dreaded shart attack. I usually have a ramp up of at least a few farts as a dump makes it way to the back door. I like to call that "Uncle Eddie lightin' his pipe". This can be a concerning time if my bowels aren't feeling real tight and has born bad result from time to time. Beware the shart...


What's so funny 'bout poop, love, and understanding?

What's so funny 'bout poop, love, and understanding?

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points
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I have twice, and both time involved being sick and vomiting. The second time it happened, I recognized the puckering and immediately turned around, sat on the toilet, grabbed the trash can to puke in, and sure enough I did a double doody.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Fannybandit's picture
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Well this one time when I was ten, I was outside my house playing and I felt a little fart coming along. I felt like helping the little guy out so I compressed my stomach muscles and farted. The only problem was my leg felt a bit...well normal. I looked down and the Hershey highway was being paved down my leg. Yup I just dune did sharted my pants with the runny poops. My first thought was crap...literally. So I ran inside, clean up and did something with the craped pair of undies that were now defiled by the poopsmear.

Poop Dog's picture
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Poop Dog here,
Well I have soiled my share of tightie whities in my time. While I don't need to throw away a pair of undies weekly (Thank God for Clorox Bleach!) I am more frequent that occasional. Skid marks are just a bi-product of being me!!!
Thank God Mrs. Dog is cool with that as otherwise I am a pretty good husband. May the Farts be with you!!!

Poop Dog

loaf pincher's picture
l 100+ points
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This was a hard one i was going to vote for the once or twice a year but i took the occasional mistake but when it happens and it has its a big mess. i mean i am playing with a loaded gun constantly mixing modelo , corona and jim beam in no specific order and them eating all kinds of shitty fried food

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Once or twice a year here. I am not counting my gallbladder adjustment, which would mess up the average statistics, but usually I'll only do this every once in a while. This usually only happens when I have the flu.

_______
Behold! My new farting super power! BRAPP!!!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

poopin 24 7's picture
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Whenever I get sick the doctor always gives me these antibiotics and for a couple days i feel like i should be living in the WC. I also get really nervous and that can lead to problems too. And the chinese buffet...

turdfan's picture
l 100+ points
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I don't think I've ever sharted. If there's any doubt at all, I wait until I'm on the pot.

SamDamnit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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I have done it twice. When it is time to tell those stories, this site will be the first to know.
_______
SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

turdfan's picture
l 100+ points
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Well, I said in the post above that I didn't think that I had ever sharted. Ironically, when I was on the pot this morning, I either had a huge shart, or a real small shit. How do you tell the difference?(Maybe it's just a shart if it occurs in your pants)

Hamster's picture
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turdfan - I think it has to be in your pants. Sometimes when on the pot farts and shits can be all mixed up together, and it doesn't really matter anyway. I think a shart is when you aren't on the pot, think you need to fart, and end up with something more substantial in your pants. But others may disagree.

Frank2401's picture
l 100+ points
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__Yes. Hamster is correct. It only counts when you are away from the toilette. _____
Press on warts, who would buy those? -Well, hags mostly.

turdfan's picture
l 100+ points
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O.K. thanks Frank and Hamster.I guess that was a dumb question anyway. (Here's a new twist on an old jingle I just thought up on the subject:
Here I stand in my Sunday best,
In despair and feeling retarded,
I was sure it was a fart,
But damned if I haven't sharted.

Frank2401's picture
l 100+ points
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_Turdfan, ask Miss Simone about the picture of Dr. Dunleavy. The girl in the photo on the right is the Dr. Not the one with the glasses. A perfect expression of someone who just sharted. Don't you think Miss Simone? ______
Press on warts, who would buy those? -Well, hags mostly.

turdfan's picture
l 100+ points
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O.K. Simone, Where is this photo Frank is talking about?

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Again, my answer isn't among the choices, to wit:

At every freaking opportunity, baby!!!! Saran wrap underwear!!!

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Miss Simone Scat's picture
k 500+ points
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frank, I wasn't thinking that...but OK maybe.
turdfan, Frank sent it to my regular e-mail....I can't just go aound posting pics people send me. I can now say relooking at the pic...that yes she could have sharted from her expression.
Producing waste since 1967

Producing waste since 1967

Anonymous Coward's picture
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dont ever take heroin, or vicotin, after which u could shart

DRIP_DOWN_YO_LEG's picture
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i can remember shartin when i was about 6 and going to my dad while crying and saying I I I I MEAN TO FFFART BUT WHEN I DID ( A LOUD MOAN OF TEARD) I POOPED my dad thought it was funny so i didnt think much of it after that funny memory though
_______
i have met many people that talk like asses but i have not met many asses that talk like people

i have met many people that talk like asses but i have not met many asses that talk like people

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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DRIP, you've convinced me that you are the fucktard that drives Teddy's short bus to where ever the hell it goes.....

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Rectal Badger's picture
l 100+ points
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I voted once or twice in my life. Like many others here, it involved having the stomach flu. I have never sharted under normal circumstances (knock on wood).

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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In my 65 years I have sharted a very few times, all of them when i had the stomach bug (diarrhea). When I have that, usually I know to get to the toilet, but very rarely I have gotten fooled. This can happen at the onset of the disease, when I don't know I have it yet; I feel an urgent need, it feels like a fart, but when I pass it, a little liquid comes also (I can feel the wet). The other time it can happen is when I think I am over the bug, feel a need to fart, and there is still a little liquid poop. Either way, very rare for me. I certainly have never sharted in the course of a normal day when I am well; the farts can come out without letting out anything solid, though occasionally I can feel a turd get closer to the exit.

MSG's picture
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My last comment stated how seldom I shart. Well! I got a brief siege of diarrhea yesterday; don't know from what, though "the bug" has been going around the school where I work. It was in 4th period, just before lunch, but maybe 15 minutes into a 50-minute period, that I first felt the forebodings of a butt-blast; gentle but unmistakable gurglings and an uncomfortable cool dampness between the buttcheeks (cold sweat, nothing from the anus yet). Those sensations passed, then returned with ancillary symptoms at various times during the remaining 35 minutes of class, but the upshot was a rapidly increasing urgency to get to the pot. I was giving a test, so I didn't have to talk or move much (a mercy!). Still, I couldn't leave. Finally the bell rang. I took most of the remaining papers from the students as they left--and one remaining student had a question for me! I told her, "I'll answer you as soon as I get back; I need to use the restroom." She was fine with that; I tightened my cheeks as tight as possible and walked quickly out of the room, only to be met by two of my superiors. One of them handed me an envelope and told me what an asset I was to the school; I thanked her and took the envelope back to my desk. The other administrator simply said to see her shortly after I had visited the restroom. Finally I could go in! As I entered the restroom (2 doorless stalls), I felt a little wet matter slide out of my anus. I made it over to the toilet without any more coming out, quickly (and partly) undid my trousers, whipped down my underpants, and sat. Surprisingly, it took a few seconds for my insides to realize that I was finally here; but then I did it. Voom! I checked my underpants--clean. I had one more attack later that afternoon, but nothing much since. Nonetheless--a shart from him who seldom sharts!

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
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My life is a constant game of russian roulette of the rectum. I will gamble at home, but (ironically) not in Vegas, or other outside venue.

poopcrayon's picture
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twice. flu induced.. mortifying.


_______
all aboard the farty train to pooterville..if you can't shit at my house, we aren't friends

all aboard the farty train to pooterville

When it Shits it Pours's picture
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Russian Roulette of the Rectum, I love it Prarie. I too sharted at work once, worst part was waiting in the stall until no one was around so you could make that mad dash to the waste receptacle wihtout getting caught with my sharted drawers in hand.

prarie doggin's picture
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Been there. I call it "cheating death" when I can get the whities off before it soaks through to the pants. No one is going to believe thats a coffee stain.

prarie doggin's picture
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On this subject, I think Kenny Rodgers said it best:
You got to know when to hold'em
Know when to fold'em,
Know when to walk away,
Know when to run.

poopcrayon's picture
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i have a friend who was in the amricorps that sharted while trying to clean up a cemetary in new orleans. that's gotta be the worst when you are surrounded by people you hardley know. . .


_______
all aboard the farty train to pooterville..if you can't shit at my house, we aren't friends

all aboard the farty train to pooterville

prarie doggin's picture
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I"m sure nobody uttered a word.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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well one time let me say that there was a little rain with my morning
thunder!

Squat-n-leaveit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points
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Stopped happening when I stopped tequila. Coincidence?

Hum bunger's picture
l 100+ points
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Never, my o-ring and I maintain close communication at all times. It has yet to lie to me. I have shit my pants before, but that is another story.

The only time I had doubt about the status of a fart is when I used to get stoned. Once the muscles started to buzz and everything went soft'n fuzzy the o-ring communique would get lost and then the anal insecurity would set in.

Those days are long gone, now the only unsettling thing to happen down there is when a powerful fart blows the butt hairs out of alignment.

Work Shart's picture
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I've sharted maybe 5 times tops in my life. But, I clicked once or twice a year. Today, I sharted on my lunch break at work! Luckily, I was alone and I live close to my work location. Sharting is humiliating.

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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This year I have had a few. Usued to be none. And it is not because I am almost 50.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Anonymous Coward's picture
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I've never had one until tonight. I'm so shocked about it that I ended up looking it up randomly to see if anyone else has the problem. No more fast food more than 4 times a week for me anymore.

Miz Shart Attack 's picture
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One time I was about the get in the shower and I felt a fart coming on so I sat on the ledge of the bathtub because I thought that it would make a pretty sweet echo-an epic fart, if you will, but alas it was a shart!!! I guess I was trying too hard, got a little big for my proverbial britches.

This was close to the toilet-but not on it- so i submit that this counts as a shart experience.

ps. My sister and i got to this website because she has the flu and just sharted and we decided to look for some "solid" shart statistics (which we didn't find) but all of these stories made her feel much better about herself and got her to start laughing again. So thanks :)

The shartmaster's picture
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I shart on a regular basis, it started when I seen Linkin Park in a festival, I had to use kitchen wipes to clean myself in a dark minging festival khazi. It has got steadily worse. As I write this I have just messed another pair of pants.......

chocolate starfish's picture
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Only a couple times a year..my husband and I call it a "gambler". Sometimes you win and sometimes you loose! That's why I keep a big jug of oxyclean in the laundry room.

Anonymous's picture
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antibiotics wipe out the flora
in your stomach, this makes life very uncomfortable because you are not digesting your food.
You need to add some live yoghurt
to your diet or a bio seeding drink
to put the good bacteria back,whilst you are on the antibios

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points
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I love how this comment is chock full of grammatical errors but the author used the word whilst. Classay!

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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I was shocked by the 96 people who said they tossed at least a pair of undies per week because of shart stains. At $11.90 for a three pack this comes to $206.26 per year. What would these folks have done with baby diapers in the pre-disposable era?

To the 113 who said they had never sharted I can only say, "liar, liar, pants on fire, and probably filled with shit!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!