What is the oddest or nastiest thing you've done while pooping?

// 128 Comments
k 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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Eat. Put it in while it's going out.
32% (152 votes)
Brush your teeth. Hey! Cleanliness is next to porcelain godliness!
14% (66 votes)
Read recipes. One must continue to figure out new material for the next flush.
10% (46 votes)
Pet your cat. This way she'll stay near for later.
19% (91 votes)
Brought in the fishing pole. Those little turds are sitting ducks.
2% (10 votes)
Other. Poopreporters everywhere have wierder stories to tell.
23% (108 votes)
Total votes: 473

128 Comments on "What is the oddest or nastiest thing you've done while pooping?"

wonderpance's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points
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it's not that odd, i guess, but a couple weeks ago i was pooping at work and decide to play a game on my nice new touch-screen phone. it fell in the toilet and i had to fish it out! i'm just gonna have to go back to being bored on the toilet, i guess.
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i love poop.

i love poop.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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When I was younger I always took a beer or two with me to the crapper, my wife thought it was disgusting. I had a friend who drank quite a bit and had a small library of the collected works of De Sade on a shelf within reach of the commode. His drink of choice while pooping was a huge rum and coke. He would shit, read, and swig all at the same time.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Deja Poo's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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There are few things odder and nastier than my shits (especially after I've been in the chili with habaneros), so I chose other.
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Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Postman's picture
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Years ago I worked in a small factory that had just me and another guy on the third shift. My girlfriend used to come and visit me, bring me my lunch and so forth.

One night, I felt the urge to take my crap while she was there, so I invited her in to visit with me while I did my business.

I must not have grossed her out too much, because she married me later. Nothing brings true lovers together like the act of shitting.

Bran Lover's picture
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Posty, did you propose marriage in a crapper too?

Please tell me you washed your hands before you went back to work. What were you making at that factory? What did you have for lunch? Yes, I have to ask, did you do the nasty in there after you crapped??? Huh? huh??!!


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To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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I re-laced my softball glove once, while in a porta potty at a weekend tournament.


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The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Postman's picture
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Well, Bran Lover, we didn't do it afterwords, but that's just because the farting and plopping sounds killed the mood.

It was a recreational vehicle supplier, so I didn't have to wash my hands.

Lunch was probably a cheeseburger and a Budweiser.

I didn't propose in the crapper, that would be just plain nasty.

Nine Inch Log's picture
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I have never done this, but I had a roommate in college who enjoyed the occasional grumpkin. For those of you fortunate enough to NOT know what a grumpkin is I will tell you. Look away if you want to remain pure.

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A grumpkin is when one gets felatio while pooping.
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I told you to look away.

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Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.

Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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I laughed out loud at Brannie comment and my stomach turned on the comment I should have looked away from. I am one that didn't know what a grumpkin is.
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

pnuttycorn's picture
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I have flossed, filed my nails, chatted on the phone, whatever. I find that if I don't concentrate, things tend to just move right along.
Brannie,I thought it was a lumpkin, but that was some viral clip with some kids askin their gramma if she "ranted a rumpkin". She thought it was pastry of some kind.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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well look away again if you want to keep the purity you may have left..

i've given a grumpkin

besides that, what i have done myself is... well... it was a constipated moment... and things needed a little help to come out... i reached back to take things out with my own hands...
desperate (painfully desperate) times called for such desperate measures.

MSG's picture
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Several years ago I went to a mall food court for lunch, and for a while my poop urge would kick in about that time. Rather than leave my lunch at the table and hope it would still be there when I got back, I took what was left of it along, sat on the pot, ate, and discharged my load at the same time. It worked, though I was not fond of the combination.

Dildo Baggins's picture
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Hey niner, I think its called a Blumpkin. Heard it on Harold and Kumar Escape From Guantonimo._______
Look out for Number 1, but don't step in Number2

Look out for Number 1, but don't step in Number2

Frank2401's picture
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I voted for other, because I've done everything on the list except take in a fishing pole.

sittingpretty's picture
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I voted other, because i pet the cat and I have eaten, once, when in a rush for work.
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Anonymous Coward's picture
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Spoke with my ex, the shit head. Figured it was kind of ironic.

prarie doggin's picture
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I always go in with a fishing pole. There's nothing worse than finding you don't have sufficient tp while in mid-shit. After a few casts in the right direction, I can usually reel in a fresh roll, or at the very least, my bed sheet.

IBS NO MORE's picture
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What's it called when the fellator is the one who is shitting?
_______
Help for IBS

When you say the word “poop,” your mouth makes the same motion your butthole does when pooping…
The same can be said for the phrase “explosive diarrhea.”

IBS NO MORE's picture
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Oh and the other one is blumpkin.

When you say the word “poop,” your mouth makes the same motion your butthole does when pooping…
The same can be said for the phrase “explosive diarrhea.”

prarie doggin's picture
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Ok, now I'm a bit worried. My good friend the Chief has been referred to as a country blumpkin in the past. Or something like that.

phatmanxxl's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points
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I usually just call my friends and chat while im on the can.

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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I choose to stay pure. I don't want to know.
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Mrs. Mad Crapper's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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I have done all those things as well as file my taxes, pot some plants, write out my personal rantings, send derogatory emails to the headquarters of Walmart, played fetch with the dog, helped the kids with homework, washed my hair, built a birdhouse. Hell why ever leave the toilet? it just wastes time getting back to it when you need it.Thats why we all need a mobile toilet on wheels so we can shit anywhere at anytime.

Oh and who the hell would want their face that close to the shitting action as to agree to blow someone while they are shitting? I can't even be in the same room with the mister cause his shit smells so bad. Wouldn't that be considered homicide if his shit stink killed the lady? Why risk it.
_______
Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Postman's picture
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Mrs. MC, interesting about building a birdhouse while on the shitter. My wife won't let me take power tools into the bathroom. All I've ever built on the toilet is a pile of logs.

Dildo Baggins's picture
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I doubt that MrMC's shit smells any worse than your stinky morning breath._______
Look out for Number 1, but don't step in Number2

Look out for Number 1, but don't step in Number2

sittingpretty's picture
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Dildo, how do you know about Miss C.'s morning breath? Huuuh...hmmm?
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

prarie doggin's picture
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(SP, cover your ears)....I wonder if it is still called a blumpkin if the man is orally pleasing the woman as she hangs a rat? Talk about getting close to the shitting action.

Excuse me I just made myself ill.

Captain Craptastic's picture
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During school, I found it appropriate to read about gastrointestinal diseases and pathology while letting go of a poop.

All of our favorite topics explained in great detail: Irritable Bowel Syndrome, Crohn's Disease, Diverticulitis, Rectal Prolapse (rectum shit out of the body inside out and hanging there), Bacterial Gastroenteritis (Travelers' Shits), Small Bowel Obstruction, Volvulus (a twisting-around/pinching-off of the bowel), Rectal Cancer.

Made me truly appreciate a nice, healthy, solid log ("ain't ya' glad you don't have [X]? OOOH, that's a really fucked-up picture!!!"). The Medical-Surgical and Pathophysiology texts were the best, lots of photos!

----Captain Craptastic!!!

----Captain Craptastic!!!

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
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prarie doggin said; "Ok, now I'm a bit worried. My good friend the Chief has been referred to as a country blumpkin in the past. Or something like that."

Actually PD since I am a hefty hillbilly I have been referred to as a 'country plumpkin'.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Pantload's picture
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Pumping out a shit while talking to my mom on the phone. My girlfriend used to take shits with the door open and have a conversation going with me. I was kinda shocked the first time a walked into the doorway to chat and saw she was wiping her ass. Sheez. Never quite got used to it, but what the hell?

What's so funny 'bout poop, love, and understanding?

What's so funny 'bout poop, love, and understanding?

Anonymous Coward's picture
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I never do it, but when my sister drops a plonkie, she sings very loudly but when she takes breaths in between, you hear things happening.

prarie doggin's picture
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I once called into the bathroom to ask my daughter what kind of salad dressing she wanted on her salad. She must have been
mid-crunch, as her answer was RRRAAAANNNCCCHH.
She is still teased about it to this day.

Jack Schitt's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorl 100+ points
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PD, regarding your post about "getting close to the shitting action". I've long wondered why God put the snack bar so close to the outhouse.

prarie doggin's picture
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He obviously is a woman.

Mrs. Mad Crapper's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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What the shit Dildo?! How in the hell did I get dragged into this?! Oh and thanks a lot PD I think I may never enjoy anything associated with oral fixations ever again.
_______
Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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Cunnilingus, I think, doesn't include pinching a loaf by the recipient.. You are just so gross gross gross Prairie Dog. You ruined cunni lingus for all.
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

sittingpretty's picture
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I think I'm going to eat a couple of hotdogs for supper. Now gross out on that!
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Dildo Baggins's picture
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My aplogies ma'am. Every now and again I act up and be a hugh jassole._______
Look out for Number 1, but don't step in Number2

Look out for Number 1, but don't step in Number2

Poopsy McGee's picture
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Prarie Doggin is a cunning linguist alright. And sittingpretty, speak for yourself. I'm still fine with cunning linguists. The only thing that ruins that is when it's not done right. And Prarie Doggin is obviously a master at his craft.

Now, the oddest thing I've ever done on the shitter is pet my Tina, who is, for the record, the cutest cat ever. Whenever I take a seat, Tina moseys over with a little meow.

prarie doggin's picture
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Thanks Poopsie. I would like your permission to use the words cunning linguist on my next job resume. That is the correct spelling? I wouldn't want to ruin my job chances with a spelling mistake.

sittingpretty's picture
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I don't know Poosy. Daphne's cat is very pretty. And my cat is the cutist ever and ever forever. My cat comes in the bathroom with me and has to be petted, hugged and get a tail pull. All for my poop. If i don't poop she thinks something is wrong. Something IS wrong.
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Poopsy McGee's picture
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You know, I'm not real sure the head honchos at the Dairy Queen in Hoboken are going to get twisted up over a misspell on your resume. Wow them with your oral skills, Prarie.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
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PD....Be careful with that resume if you apply for a job at a hot dog palace!


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Anonymous Coward's picture
0
0

Well, the wierdest thing iv ever done while take a shit was probably shoot up t400..(Steroids)..for some reason testosterone injections hurt less when you blow a little ass. But try being busted taking a shit and injecting when your girlfriend walks in...what do you do!? Pull the needle and abort the injection..or cut the turd halfway...its quite a problem..but I managed to finish both...it was awsome!! And for those who are complaining about stinky asses and nasty smells post wipe...wipe properly..damnit is it that hard!?

IBS NO MORE's picture
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Eating at the Y would be, well, pretty near impossible when the woman is en flagrante defecato. What I originally meant was, if a man receiving head while on the crapper is a blumpkin, then what's it called when a man receives head from someone who is shitting?
--OR--
What's it called when a person is gobbling the knob and growing a tail at the same time?

_______
Help for IBS

When you say the word “poop,” your mouth makes the same motion your butthole does when pooping…
The same can be said for the phrase “explosive diarrhea.”

prarie doggin's picture
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IBS, I think what your referring to might come under the heading of glory holes and/or NJ Turnpike.

sittingpretty's picture
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Agh agh agh. I am so grossed out. Can't we talk about something else.
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Anonymous Coward's picture
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To be honest, I've jacked off while taking a shit a few times. Feels good emptying both ways.

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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Agh! I want to talk about something else! Goss gross gross. B R A N N I E!!!! I need you to come change the subject, here, on this thread. I don't like this one.
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

plop cop's picture
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The cat comes in sometimes to be petted. Weird psycho cat. Dang thing hates me and hisses most of the time but has moments where he won't leave me alone unless I pet him. Before I joined the Navy I used to shoot rabbits from the crapper. My Grandma wanted help getting the rabbits out of the garden; they were tearing up the lettuce, carrots, and such. She bought a pellet gun (a damn good one too) and put it in the shithouse specifically for me to do her bidding while I was a-shitting. In the morning after a cup of coffee, I'd get on the throne, work up an opening salvo (load the pellet gun too) and shoot a rabbit through the window between number two shots. After I was finished shitting, I'd finish Grandma's bidding by disposing of the rabbit.
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Now that's what a men's room is supposed to smell like!

Now that's what a men's room is supposed to smell like!