Outdoor shitting…which is the worst

// 33 Comments
j 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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In the snow. I don't like poopsicles.
15% (95 votes)
In the rain. Can you say swampass?
16% (100 votes)
In the mud. I can't tell one lump of brown mush from another.
10% (63 votes)
In the bushes. Especially the sticker bushes. I get dingleburrs.
11% (69 votes)
By the side of the road. Why do people have to honk?
49% (318 votes)
Total votes: 645

33 Comments on "Outdoor shitting…which is the worst"

Fart Poopie's picture
j 1000+ points
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I voted in the rain. I can handle the cold, watch where I step, keep my butt off the bushes and cover my face so no one knows who I am.
Adding to the mess by getting my butt all wet sounds worse than the other options.

Stripper Poop's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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LOL swampass? Gross. Yeah, I voted for the rain, though, cause I can think of a time where I peed comfortably in each of these circumstances except for rain. I would just feel like I was pissing myself or something, especially if it's raining hard.
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Strippers Poop Too!

Strippers Poop Too!

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Had to go with mud. Rain is like nature's own bidet, can't be too bad, but mud? (oh hehe, see what I did there? "but mud?"...buttmud...get it? I just kill me sometimes)

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Toots N. McCrack's picture
l 100+ points
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I voted for by the road--if people are seeing me and honking. Privately, it wouldn't matter-- then I'd have to go with snow-- not so much for the cold, but for all the layers of clothing that could be problematic.

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'Hey that sounds pretty nasty, how about a courtesy flush over there?' (AP1)

'Hey that sounds pretty nasty, how about a courtesy flush over there?' (AP1)

Postman's picture
k 500+ points
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I would have to say by the side of the road- or by a path. Once, while camping, I went into the woods to drop a load. Just as I was finishing up, I looked up and saw a couple walking by, about 10 feet away. They just waved, so I guess it's acceptable to shit anyplace in the forest.

Mary Queen of Scats's picture
l 100+ points
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I voted for in the snow. The reason will be seen in an upcoming report....as soon as the trauma has worn off enough.

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It's YOUR cat, YOU get his poop out of my sink!

Bad kitty! Bathtubs are NOT litterboxes!

Thunderbox's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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I`ve had a lot, in all weathers and all climates - but I chose rain. A shit in a wet rainy jungle is by far the worst. Deep in Colombia I had to go and fast; pulled down my pants, and within a second giant mosquitos were biting my balls, cock and ass. The next few days were an agony of scratching. Not recommended.

The voice of sanity

All for dry paper's picture
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I voted for rain because as a girl, I have no problem pulling down my pants and going out in the woods, but I like my toilet paper dry! Plus having a wet butt/wet underwear sucks. I agree with Thunderbox about the skeeters--WI's unofficial state bird!

kakakitty's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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i voted for the rain. i backpack and camp alot, and have a pee bottle which i regularly use because it's a pain to get out of the tent to pee, much less poo. would it be acceptable to have a "poo sack" in addition to the pee bottle?

I shit in ppls mouths's picture
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I chose snow. My ass is already dry enough, cold air and all those layers just make it worse. Plus black stands out against white.

shitwit's picture
k 500+ points
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I've also chosen RAIN. I've shit in all the conditions mentioned here and shitting outside in the pouring rain is just miserable! A close second would have to be in the bushes, though. I peed in some bushes and all the dead needles fell off the junipers and right into my underwear. I was never so itchy and bitchy on the job as that day!

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Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

The Thunderous Crapper 63's picture
k 500+ points
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Taking a dump on the side of the road with people honking is just plain rude obviously those honkers never HAD to urgently take a shit. That got my vote.
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The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

AHHHHHEMMMMMMMMMM JUST CLEARING MY THROAT!! ;)

Bigassman's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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I said by road because i had to do that once on #2 In alberta

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Shit shit and shit

Shit shit and shit

Hanus Anus's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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If people honked, i'd wave. :D

I chose rain, as it would just be difficult and unpleasant—though mud would have its own suite of problems, like feet getting stuck. :|

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Happy crapping! (_o_)

Happy crapping! (_o_)

loaf pincher's picture
l 100+ points
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by the road been there done that law enforcement involved not pretty

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Thunderbox, I've never laughed so hard in my life. Your story makes me glad I don't have any wedding tackle.

I voted for side of the road. It's not that I'm a shameful shitter. I just know with my luck the police will show up and arrest my ass. (And me!)

I've shat in the rain and snow and mud, and none of it was that horrible. I've also shat in temperatures down to 15 degrees (while camping at Newberry Caldera) and it really didn't bother me. The only thing that would bother me is shitting in a puddle simply because I'd be afraid of cold water splashing up my anus. That sends the shit way the hell and gone up inside and it doesn't come out for days!

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Behold! My new farting super power! BRAPP!!!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

fartqueen's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Taking a dump in the mud is the worst!I fell in one time,and I was covered head to toe in I don't know what?I do believe others had been using the same pit I had used and had just fell into!I think everybody was calling this shit pit a"latreen"?

Chuck's picture
l 100+ points
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Whatever your choose, make sure to aim your bung with the downhill slope. It is a sad state to crap on one's own shoes.

Poopy Pants's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Here's my side of the road story: I was in Africa and was gifted an amazing food-bourne parasite by the vegetarian lasagne I ordered the night before. We were on a photo safari, about twelve of us in a little van, and I had to keep stopping the van to get out and crap. I had about five seconds from warning bell to total blastoff, so I got about two feet from the van and just had to drop trou and let er rip. Village children would run toward me and gather round - I guess when vans usually stop they are giving handouts to the villagers. Not exactly my scenario. Other vans full of tourists would honk and heckle as they drove by. The mortification haunts me to this day.

Do NOT go in there!

Hanus Anus's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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OMG, Poopy! I guess that wasn't the kind of handout they were looking for! :s
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Happy crapping! (_o_)

Happy crapping! (_o_)

Crappy McCrapsalot's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Ok. I live in Arizona, so I had to vote for 'I hate swampass' but it doesn't rain much here. Unfortunately, swampass isn't just a rainy-day phenomenon. In Phoenix, every day from mid-May through September is a swampass-tacular day.

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Droppin' the deuce since 1980...

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Droppin' the deuce since 1980.....

Hanus Anus's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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At least you don't have f'g daylight saving time! :)
_______
Happy crapping! (_o_)

Happy crapping! (_o_)

R.'s picture
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OK.Im a teacher at St.Michael's School in Barbados.I had to go with roadside shittings.
There was a time last year I was driving down the road in my car (MW323) when I had to go and shit.I pull my car over,jump out,whip my skimpy 1foot long skirt up,pull my panties down and let my dump go.I had my car doors open,my trunk deck lid open and my hood up,exposing the motor and putting it at risk for over-heating (I'm an asshole and a stupid bitch,now am I),but that doesn't work!An overhead police helicopter spotted me,called the road patrol car parked on the other side of the road and told them to expose me by removing my car at all costs (it even meant blowing it up)!
That fucking patrol car responded ASAP,rammed the rear end of my car 10 feet away(I only put the car in NEUTRAL and not PARK and failed to set the handbrake),reversed and exsposed me to everyone else on the road!They even stopped two family vans to show me shitting!>:(
Plus,I got a $400 fine for shitting(and not using my hazard blinkers(that was the main cause for all the shit that happened)) on the recently cleaned grass and "pavement" (you mean layby,assholes),and I had to get $500 to repair my car and I got community service for two weeks for shitting (luckily it was the summer vacation!)
And to all those who shit on the road,PLEASE SHIT WHERE THE POLICE WILL FIND,EXPOSEAND ARREST YOUR ASS(AND YOU)!!!PLEASE!!!!!
Happy shitting!

Stacia Austin's picture
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Like R. Iam also a teacher at St.Michael's School in Barbados.Idid the same shit...only thing,it was in the middle of the road!I was driving my Honda CR-V(P1003 is my licence plate number) and I pulled to the middle of the road and did my dump and the result was the same shit:$600 repair fee,$4000 fine(I'm a repeat offender) and 4 weeks community service.

Don't make the same mistakes we made...PLEASE!!!

Follow R.'s advice please!

turdfan's picture
l 100+ points
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The only experience I've had that was even close to being outdoors was in an outhouse. This was when I was a teenager deer hunting in Colorado. Anyway, it was so cold that there was not any odor, so it was a nice experience. The reason I always remember this though is that I thought it was interesting that I could hear my turds hitting the bottom. It seems like it took about 3-4 seconds for them to hit, and they just made a soft thud, because they were (naturally) landing on a huge pile of other turds. I don't think I could hear my pee hitting, however.

Hamster's picture
k 500+ points
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R and Stacia - have your police nothing better to do? I think their behaviour is an absolute disgrace. I'm sure I can think of worse things than ladies shitting by the side of the road, trying to keep as much hidden by their vehicles as possible.

I voted for rain. I'd take a chance on any of the others if the urge was strong enough, but in rain I'd just hold it in. I quite like doing it in the bushes, as it happens - I must have been lucky - never had the sort of side problems others have.

turdfan's picture
l 100+ points
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When I made my first post (above) I couldn't remember having a terrible experience outdoors. Several hours ago, though I remembered an incident that happened once again while I was deer hunting. (I used to do a lot of that when I was younger) Anyway, this time it was in the Texas Hill Country (Land of 1100 Springs) I had been out there for a while and got real thirsty. We didn't carry any water with us because there were springs and creeks all over the place. I got a drink out of a nearby spring, and was O.K. for about an hour. Suddenly, I felt something ominous knocking at the back door. I finally found a bent over sapling that I could sit on. I let the intruder escape, and it was the the famed "worse case scenario." It wasn't a huge turd or even typical squirts, but I huge messy pile of the stuff. The only thing I could find to wipe with was my hankerchief. I cut it into four pieces with my knife, and it worked well enough so that I got back to our cabin without completely coating my cheeks, but I still had a lot of additional cleaning up to do. Back then I didn't even have the good sense to try to scrape some dirt on top of it, so hopefully it dried up before anyone or anything stepped in it. It probably also made a lot of flies happy for a while. I concluded that the famed "1100 springs" weren't all they were cracked up to be.

SamDamnit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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It looks like a lot of us have had to go by the side of the road. I can't wait for Google-Earth to pick up an image of that.
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SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

Hamster's picture
k 500+ points
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In my extensive driving in the UK I have only ever witnessed the happening once. And no, I did not blow my horn!! I try to be a gentleman.

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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I have always enjoyed my rare outdoor pooping experiences. I have not done it in mud that I recall, but I have in the rain and snow (at least once feeling snowflakes land and melt on my skin) and certainly in bushes. I enjoy the feeling of the breeze gently caressing my exposed cheeks, and the contrasting warm feeling of the turds coming out. It's also nice to see the turds in their nakedness (until I cover them) and not distorted by water or paper. Fortunately, I have either had toilet paper along or managed a dry poop when doing this. I haven't done it for years, though; perhaps I'll find another opportunity some time soon.

Hamster's picture
k 500+ points
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Whilst driving on a 60 mile trip a couple of years ago, I succumbed to the urgent need to do a large, rather loose one. As I was on a country road I was able to find a layby and some suitable bushes. Unfortunately they were a bit thorny, which spoiled the experience somewhat - although the explosion from my rear entirely vindicated my decision!

Loves Pooping's picture
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The worst would definately be beside the road, the main reason being that the police could come and arrest you.

Amy's picture
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Roadside. Two particular events come to mind. 1) Was out with my niece (age 6) about two weeks ago. She tends to wait to the last minute to say she has to go and by that time it is usually urgent, so I was driving on the highway and she says she has to do #2 badly. Not wanting her to mess herself, I ask if she can wait until we get home or go on the side of the road; she opts for the latter. I pull over to the shoulder and just use the car and myself to block oncoming views. She does a nice pile and feels better.
2) A few years back, I was stuck in highway traffic and needed to poop. Actually, I farted a few times and I could tell I had to do a soft poop, so didn't do any more farts. Problem was I was getting really uncomfortable holding it all in. Up ahead, there was a small concrete divider on the shoulder of the road. When I approached, I pulled my car in front of the divider and got out and onto the other side of the car. The car, along with the divider, offered a fair amount of privacy, so I pulled my pants down and spent several minutes doing my business. I felt so much better after that.

It is embarrassing going on the side of the road, but sometimes you just have to go and so you do what you gotta do I guess.