How do you hide the plops of your poop?

// 55 Comments
m 1+ points - Newb
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Run the water
25% (197 votes)
Cough
13% (100 votes)
Shuffle your feet
4% (30 votes)
I dont hide the plops -- I'm proud of them
42% (326 votes)
Other, please explain
16% (122 votes)
Total votes: 775

55 Comments on "How do you hide the plops of your poop?"

wonderpance's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points
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i chose number two, but it actually varies. i might blow my nose instead of cough. you know, switch it up a bit.

i don't always feel the need to disguise my pooping sounds, though. only in a public bathroom if someone else comes in. or some people's bathrooms are really close to the living room (or kitchen, whatever) and don't have very sound-proof doors, in which case i might run the water.

i'm not shameful when it comes to where i'll poop (i'll pretty much poop wherever i happen to be...with some exceptions), but i still don't really want anyone to hear it.
_______
i love poop.

i love poop.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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I don't hide the plops because I mostly poop at home. If I do poop in a public facility I figure that anyone who is not blind can see my feet are pointed forward. This is a good indication that a shit is being taken so why try to disguise the fact?

_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

phatmanxxl's picture
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I like to count the plops, the bigger the better

foo poo's picture
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IF i do then a strip of loo roll draped across the water and a little up the back of the pan slows impact and reduces splash...as well as splash back. Added bonus (and actaully this is more the reason why i do it than for dung decibels)is that you mostly avoid having to lift the evil bog scrubber that has bits of other peoples poo on it. I love poo but other peoples makes me gag. bleuraach

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
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When I use a public shitter, I usually have to both shit and pee badly. I don't care if they sound like Star Jones doing a belly flop into a swamp. Plop, plop, whiz, whiz, oh what a relief it is.

HowleyKook's picture
l 100+ points
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The louder the better! Occasionally I'll throw in a grunt or 2 and a "Yeah Baby" just for shits and giggles. It gets worse when I drink. I figure you only live once, leave an impression! Especially in public.

_______
Happy Crappin'
Homegrown Media Network

Happy Crappin'
Homegrown Media Network

Nine Inch Log's picture
k 500+ points
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In my last apartment the bathroom was right off the main room. The place had thin walls and even thinner doors. I could hear someone with diaharea two floors above me. There was a fan, but rather than exhaust it would just blow the smell into the next apartment. I spent one summer month in that tepid place before finding a new place with a private shitter.


_______
Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.

Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.

count-dookie's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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as i voted i dont try hide my plops
i try to make them louder :D
but i do make the odd "uhhh"

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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I don't make as much noise as I used to when I had harder poops, but I don't try to hide the sound. I just enjoy the experience. If anyone hears it, he surely knows what is going on.

kayla chute's picture
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Why should we hide the plop? I love plop.

Postman's picture
k 500+ points
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I chose other. At home, i don't worry about it because our bathroom is far enough away from the living room and bedrooms, so there's generally no way anybody will here the plops.

the only other place I usually shit is at work. If I'm on the shitter and somebody comes in, I just sit quietly and wait till they leave before I start shitting.

God, I must really be Shameful.

The Thunderous Crapper 63's picture
k 500+ points
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You're kidding right? Who hides the sound of the splash OR the fart? Be loud be proud I always say. Let the ass cannon roar!
_______
The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

AHHHHHEMMMMMMMMMM JUST CLEARING MY THROAT!! ;)

Eoz's picture
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Is it unusual that my poop is never noisy? I think it is because my turds are always so long that they just sorta slide into the water instead of plopping.

p00p n00b's picture
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I usually poop at home and don't care what it sounds like. Ba-DUNK, Ba-DUNK... Let the fudge-dragon roar! Those silent Navy Seal turds are the ones that worry me. Sometimes I gotta check to make sure I didn't imagine pooping it

Postman's picture
k 500+ points
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The plops of your poop. Almost sounds like a song title.

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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People say I'm the life of the party
Cause I let a fart or two
Although I might be rippin' loud and hearty
Deep inside I have to poo

So take a good look at my ass
You'll see my crack expelling gas
Just look closer, it's easy to trace
The plop of my poop
I must poo, must poo

Apologies to Smokey Robinson

_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Squat-n-leaveit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points
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Laughing hard enough to have tracks of my tears! In all seriousness, does your poop usually plop? I eat a lot! A lot of food, a lot of fiber, plus a lot of raw veggies. Usually drink 2 full glasses of water with every meal. My poop is usually hitting the water before it breaks free. Silent as an alligator slipping into the swamp. If I hear plop! I need more water, fiber, etc.

Butt Dumpling's picture
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Hiding a "plop" is easy.Just put a wad of toilet paper in the bowl before dumping and that pretty much gets rid of the "plop" and any backsplash that follows.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
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Putting a "poop cushion" in the toilet is just plain ridiculous. Why not put a coffee table and a drink with a little umbrella down there for the little fella.

Bilge, excellent lines! I actually farted some coffee out my nose.

powersoak's picture
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We have some new fangled handicapped restrooms at work. They got put in after Christopher Reeve came to speak and then could not get into one of the regular men's rooms with his special wheelchair; never mind the handicaped employees who had done without for years. Anyway, these restrooms have those large buttons on the wall to open the door mechanically. There is no longer an inner door and the partitions between the urinals had to be removed. So what I would love to see or hear is someone in one of these single door rest rooms shitting a thunderstorm and making so much noise that it is heard LOUDLY in the hall. It would be the ultimate Candid Camera set up to have people walking past this door while noises comparable to a bombing run during a volcanic eruption in a strong thunderstorm travel through the grill at the bottom of the door, maybe carrying some of the odor also. Would anyone call the cops to investigate? Would people walk faster past the door to avoid inhaling or would they slow to better their odds of hearing something? I guess many people would try to record it on their phones, but would they be afraid to enter the lion's den?

When Arthur Miller took Marilyn Monroe to his mother's New York apartment to introduce them, MM had to tinkle. The bath room was right off the living room, so to hide her bathroom noises, she turned on the water faucets. Miller's mother told her son that she seemed like a nice young woman but she sounded like a horse when she peed.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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I don't hide them. I'm in the fucking bathroom for crying out load! Er, loud! If someone has a problem with me making shit sounds in the bathroom, maybe they shouldn't come in there in the first place. It's like going to a political convention for the opposite party and booing people for supporting it.

_______
Well, you don't actually blow on it. That's just an expression.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Mark E Poo's picture
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The way I've always avoided the "plop of the poop" is to make a little "island" in the toilet made of toilet paper. Notonly does it dull any loud noises, it also keeps that dreadful backsplash (in public toilets, that is) away...

Hum bunger's picture
l 100+ points
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My vote is for option #4. I never try to disguise any of my bodily functions. To deny that you fart, piss or poop is to deny part of what makes you human. Why hide what you are? Accept your plop and accept your humanity.

I don't mean that everyone ought to adopt monkey behavior and crap on whatever (or whoever) they please, but acting like a prissy victorian who pretends that poop never happens is just as bad. Society needs to get a grip on it's existential insecurities. Shit in peace and be happy.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points
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If I'm unsure of who's in the public restroom's other stalls, or if I'm a guest at someone's house and there's alot of company present, I employ the courtesy flush when most of the load deploys. It not only keeps the smell down, but it also covers the "plops", "poots", and "pphhhhhttts".


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

turdfan's picture
l 100+ points
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My farts are usually far louder than any of my plops, so I don't worry about it. A lot of times, the fart will blow out the poop, so it's all one sound anyway. Every once in a while I'll have a more normal BM involving one or more longer turds. They usually slide out slowly and hit the water head first, so they don't make any noise either.

shitake boy's picture
l 100+ points
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I never try to hide my bathroom noises...it is what it is. If someone cannot handle the noises, then go someplace else. Usually, especially when I poop, the noises are loud and clear. Sometimes it sounds like a water faucet, sometimes pissing, sometimes just plain, loud plops and everything in between. I don't mind if others know that I am conducting some "serious business", this gives my occupation of the bathroom/stall legitimacy.

_______
In search of the ever evasive BM

In search of the ever evasive BM

Anonymous Coward's picture
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i choose other, i out loo rool in the water so it muffles the sounds

Pooperella's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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I lay down a strip of tp. Cuts back on splash-back, plopping and any skid marks that might have occurred! I love my system...but I also pray the fan's really loud!

Anonymous Coward's picture
0
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Loud rap music. :)

Damn, my asshole is itchy.

Comrade Poopov's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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The only time I try to muffle the sound is when I'm at work. You can hear people breathing through the walls let alone dropping a noisy deuce. If I think it'll be loud then I flush the toilet and push, push, push before the flush ends. Otherwise I just stop, drop and let it plop.

Blowing you chocolate kisses from my butt...

Anonymous Coward's picture
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The best way to hide it is to actually place a layer or two of toilet paper in the bowl, so instead of plopping on toilet water, the paper breaks it fall.

And no water on your ass =]
Been doing it for years.

Captain Craptastic's picture
l 100+ points
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Ah, the glorious sound of turds hitting water. Make a joyful noise. Even diarrhea with fart follow-ups can be enjoyable: a veritable anal repartee! Have you ever snuck up to the bathroom door to listen when someone is in there laying logs to hear the sounds they make? If you and that person are on good terms, you might even consider cheering them on or later passing on a congratulatory phrase on a job well done! ----Captain Craptastic!!!

----Captain Craptastic!!!

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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Putting down t.p. to hide the sound is a waste of paper. Let the sounds resound, and save the trees!

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
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Lay down ONE SQUARE of tp to cushion the fall. Gently remove turd and use the ONE SQUARE for wiping.

Sheryl Crow

Veronica's picture
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I voted I don't hide the ploops. I've used public restrooms many times and don't worry about making splash noises.

Crapper John McIntyre's picture
l 100+ points
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I push the poop until it's fully crested and waiting to drop. Then I flush the toilet, push it out the last little bit, and then quickly try to wipe my bottom while the flush is still flushing. (save some water!) Usually I have to flush twice, though, because I can't wipe fast enough.

I only use this method if I am in a public restroom that is too busy to wait until it's empty, but not so busy that they would just be 'mystery plops'. If I'm at home, or at a friends house I just poop. 'It's no big deal'

turd turdgutson's picture
l 100+ points
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I actually make it a point to bear down and push as hard as I can, expelling my nuggets (rare) or explosive diarrhea (common) into the toilet with as much force as I can exert, thus eliciting a concertio of splashes, splatters, and farts in an obnoxious and stomach-turning audiophonic display that usually sends the idiots on their cell phones in the stalls next to me hastily departing the restroom.

_______
"...you guys are missing the genius of Turdgutson's idea. We should certainly not be shitting in the sink, but why not invent a Toilet Disposal? Your tampon, giant turd, or some hooker's hand won't flush? Just flip a switch!" - SamDamnit

"You will spray oil when you fart. You will have diarrhea. You will be shitting constantly and you will lose control of your bowels." - Mr. Angry on alli

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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All these courtesy flushes, extra flushes, timed flushes, etc. to mask the sound of turd hitting water--wasteful! We're on water restrictions here: no car washing (except at a commercial establishment), no lawn watering, the whole nine yards. It wouldn't take many of those extra flushes to water my whole garden, which could well use it (though, with a tropical storm on the way, that problem could be temporarily alleviated). Just forget anyone else is there, and poop, letting the sound be what it may. Flush once. Save water.

Thunderbox's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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If it`s yellow, let it mellow; if it`s brown, flush it down - just the one time.

The voice of sanity

baron von crapalot's picture
k 500+ points
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MSG, for those reporters in drought bound areas, why not fashion a filtration system, using a colander from the kitchen & a bucket?

Simply place thee colander right side up in the bowl, take your dump, any liquid will drain away and 90% of the solids will remain in the colander - so negating the need for double flushes etc.

Once you are done, a quick 'half flush should clear out the can. Now, transfer the colander contents to the bucket.

At this point you may return the colander to the kitchen, or leave it in place for future use.

Take your bucket of shit, and either:

1.) Launch the contents out of an upstairs window (Ye Olde Englande Style)

2.) Put the bucket and its contents out in the midday sun and let it bake into a hard cylindrical brick, which can be later used as a wheel for your son/daughters soap box racer.

3.) Bury it in a neighbours garden.

or

4.) parcel it up and send it over to PD for his next batch of Jenkem, so earning yourself a discount.

_______
Did I just fart?.... Oh shit! NO!!

I hope to god I've just sat in a Shepard's pie.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
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Just a note here: If you are going to send it to me, just be sure it's in a well sealed container, as I don't want it to become contaminated or pick up any funky odors.

And Postman, keep your hands off it.

baron von crapalot's picture
k 500+ points
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My Bad! Yes, as PD said, containment is paramount. I suggest a lead lined tupperware container, available on request from the man himself, as he keeps a batch to hand for this very reason. (talk about considerate, he'll even clean one out for you before sending it, for a modest fee)

_______
Did I just fart?.... Oh shit! NO!!

I hope to god I've just sat in a Shepard's pie.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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I normally do not worry about plopping turds. If I did I would consider, with slight modification. the tried and proven method that is beloved of primates that dwell in our zoos. Reach under your buttocks and catch the turds in your hand. They can then be gently lowered into the water sans plop.

If you want to convince an unwanted guest that it is time to leave, you could keep the turds in your hand and run screeching, hopping and waving your treasures about into the living room.
Your guests are sure to beat a hasty retreat.

______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

bender1457's picture
0
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Now this sounds weird, but no one will be able to hear it.

You see, if your at a friends house or somewhere like that and need to poop, there is usually a door to the bathroom you in. this makes it so you wouldn't need to hide the noise

Public stalls on the other hand need more attention. You are bound to make a small noise when the poop drops but, unless they are trying to, they wouldent be able to here it.

Regarding both of them is toilet noises. It is very imbarrising to be in a friends bathroom farting very loud. To avoid this, avoid squeazing it out. Just be patient. Another reason to avoid squeazeing is the ocasional (argh!!!) sound that you might not even know your making.

Hope this advidce helps for whoever uses it good luck pooping!

Fellow pooper's picture
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It's funny to see the two different extremes here. Letting that shit go loud and proud, or silently disguising the plops by placing toilet paper on the water. I live in a dorm building so basically you never get to poop in private, you have to let the public know what you are doing unfortunately.

Barney Stinson's picture
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I wait until everyone's gone.

nosplashback's picture
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Splashback contains bacteria ESPECIALLY in a public restroom. HIV is fragile and dies in cold water, but many other pathogens survive that limited flush capabilities of toilets. Carry a smal bottle of bleach in your car and pour a cup in the bowl before shit, then flush after 5-20 mins. Read this: http://www.e-frank.com/2008/04/02/minimizing-splashback

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew!
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

ass assasain's picture
0
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I would fall on the floor to disguise the sound of my shit. Omg!

ChiliKahKah's picture
j 1000+ points
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How does the old alka seltzer ad go ? Plop, Plop, fiz, fiz, oh what a relief it is.