i'm pretty sure i sit more to the front of the seat. the toilet is probably the only seat in the world where i prefer to have my feet flat on the ground. everywhere else, i'm not comfortable unless my feet are propped up on something, or crossed, or otherwise not planted flat on the ground. now that i'm thinking about it, that may be because i generally like to sit far back in chairs and couches, etc, so my back is supported. in most cases, that means my feet won't touch the floor cuz my legs are short, so i have to prop them up on something or fold them up under my body so they're not just dangling (cuz that's not very comfortable). and that must be why i sit so far forward on the toilet, because if i don't, my feet won't be flat on the ground.
interesting..._______i love poop.
I am a bishitual and can pinch a loaf from almost any position. _______Eat chilies and feel the burn!!
Sitting dead centre tends to lessen the chance of the ricochet shitstreak that has to be chiseled off the porceline when you flush-n-go and leave it to set.
I voted center. To far back, you get streaks, to far forward you get cold porcelain against the junk.
Hmmm, well I said other because I didn't see the middle choice. But I really don't sit dead center or far rear. I sit more rear center. I don't wanna sit so far back that my tailbone is sitting on the back of the seat, but I sit far enuff back that my junk can hang down in the toilet so I don't pee on myself, but doesn't touch the toilet so I don't get a disease.
I stand. The modified exhaust points forward._______The white zone is for loading and unloading only- FZ.
Hey BM mate, how does that work, exactly? I'm bloody curious.
Unlike my adoptive mommy Wonderpance, I like to sit on the toilet reclining back, my feet propped up on the sink, and my legs crossed.
that explains why i spend so much time cleaning the bathroom after you use it. we're gonna have to get you a big boy seat.
i find it interesting that the presence of "junk" influences where you men decide to sit on the toilet. i suppose it's not really all that surprising, considering that it influences pretty much everything else you do._______i love poop.
To be honest, I've never really noticed. I just drop my pants and sit. As long as my asshole is somewhere over the opening in the toilet seat I'm happy.
I am thankful that my "Junk" hangs over the porcelain, and does not touch that cold surface. _______Eat chilies and feel the burn!!
wonderpance observes of men and their penises"i suppose it's not really all that surprising, considering that it influences pretty much everything else you do.
You know, I hear women saying things like this, but I am pretty sure that few if any really understand how true it is.
I have read, and it is probably true, that it is easy to demonstrate that men are more intelligent than women. Women have no dicks to carry brains in. _______Eat chilies and feel the burn!!
OK... That explains why men are so protective of that area and so reluctant to wear helmets...
Sitting far back allows me to brace for impact. _______Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.
Usually I sit fairly far forward, which allows the poop to fall where it can stretch out and be seen without falling straight down the hole. I like to see what I do before flushing it away.
At home it`s more to the front as the waste hole is quite central in the pan. At work I sit more to the back as the hole is right at the back. In both cases my tackle is draped over the sink.
I only sit when it's dump time, so I just drop my ass and go. I usually try to sit more toward the front though, just because it's easier to reach around to the back and wipe that way (don't want shitty balls now).
Normally around the middle of the seat but last night I wasn't "centered" over it and sat to far to one side and fell off. I got wedged between the toilet and the tub and couldn't get out for about 5 minutes because I was laughing so hard._______Earth, insane asylum for the universe.
Mrs. MC, I just have to ask: were you drunk?
surprisingly no, it was like 4:30 am and I was half asleep. Although I have totally missed the seat when drunk and fell on the floor. Where I lay laughing till I peed my pants, glad I was at home._______Earth, insane asylum for the universe.
I'll sit wherever on the can. No matter. I have the luxury of not having to worry about my junk trailing around in the bog water. Or having shit spray volley off the back of the bowl and coat my hairy beanbag. Ew.
Mrs. Mad Crapper, I'm sure this has happened to you: you get up at some pre-dawn hour to have a pee and sit directly on the toilet rim because the toilet seat was left up. It is a rude awakening in the truest sense of the words to dip your bum into ice cold water.
There is a theory that women should leave the seat UP for men when they are through using the toilet instead of men putting the seat DOWN. What do you think?
Logjam, I agree, women don't realize the extent to which men think with their "junk". If they did, women would understand the absolute power they have over men, unite, and finally rule the world.
In my house, it's always been put the seat down, even though it's 3 males versus 1 female.
For us, it's just never been an issue worth fighting over, so the seat goes down.
Poopsy McGee.....Your secret is almost out! I am a snoopy old man with nothing better to do so I regularly check the profiles of those who post here. I noticed that for gender you had entered "never you mind". Now you admit to possessing neither junk nor a hairy bean bag. Through my Sherlock Holmesian logic I have deduced that you are either a female, or a eunuch. I shall eventually solve this conundrum , presently I am leaning heavily towards female. _______Eat chilies and feel the burn!!
She's a woman mate. With balls.
Hey. I've just hit the 300 points mark!
*fanfare*
Congrats, ES. I'll soon hit 500 myself.
I once shared a house with 2 other people. One insisted that the toilet seat be left up, the other insisted that it should be left down. Rather than take sides, I tightened the hinges up, and left it at 45 degrees._______The white zone is for loading and unloading only- FZ.
I actually yell at my girlfriend for leaving the toilet seat lid up. I always put the seat and lid down after I'm done peeing because that stops all the tiny shit particles from flying into the air and landing on my toothbrush and contact cases and what not. And I have sat down on the rim of the toilet drunk once after having peed previously( I was drunk) and that was a shitty experiance.
Or another solution could be to just take the damn thing off completely.
Good thinking Mullet, a thinker like you could probably solve all the problems in the Middle East. There is a place for you in the diplomatic corps. _______Eat chilies and feel the burn!!
Sometimes I tsake off my pants and sit with my legs crossed.
Montreal Gal.....Doesn't that position cause a little more smearage on the old buns? _______Eat chilies and feel the burn!!
Sounds like quite an awkward way to sit on the pot. Isn't that an invitation for shit splatters all over your legs?
I hate it when shit splats up your ass and on to your balls, it makes it hard when you have to lift your ass and swipe it clean.
I either sit backwards facing the tank (my house) or on the tank (at anyone elses house)
As long as your hoop`s over the bowl You can squeeze that turd out your asshole It doesn`t matter If there`s some splatter It`s all in the pan - you`ve scored a goal
Tbox, that's bloody lyrical.
Thanks, I`d just caught a glimpse of our receptionist`s impressive cleavage and suddenly my head was full of poetic thoughts.
You saw a fine pair of knockers and had poetic thoughts about crimping one off? Hmm... I'm not sure she'd be flattered mate.
so, Leaky, i have to ask (and am surprised no one else has already), why does your girlfriend need to put the seat up?_______i love poop.
She doesn't put the seat up, she just leaves the top lid up. Where she'd get pissed if I leave the seat up, I get pissed when she leaves the lid up. Her poop is much more solid than mine and sometimes there are floeters left that I'd care not to see while I'm brushing my teeth or about to shower.
We were just trying to be polite, pance.
That`s a reief to hear, Leaky. I thought it was the whole seat she was lifting up as well, which indicates that the user probably has a willy!
The toilet is clogged so i crap in the sink.
I found a huge sloppy turd curling around the bottom of a sink some years ago in a pub lavatory. Phatmanxxl, have your travels perchance taken you to Hounslow, West London? It's tempting to blame you!
The thing that got to me the most was not it's sheer size and the fact that someone had deliberately gone in there to do it, but that there was no used bumwad nearby so they must have wiped their arse and taken the trouble to flush the paper into the toilet, in which case, why not lay the log in there too? Either that or they simply pulled up their trousers post-dump and left.
I voted other because it depends on the nature of my poop as to where I sit. If I'm bound up, I sit near the front so I can bear down more and push the stubborn turd out. If I have diarrhea, I sit more towards the middle so I can rock back and forth to ease the gripes and also minimize the spattering. If it's a run-of-the-mill poop, I sit usually in the middle, cause it's the most comfy. HOWEVER, in a public potty, I sit on as little of the seat as possible, all the way to the front regardless of what kind of poo I have to do! And yes, there's no alarm clock that can even come close to waking me up as fast as my cheeks hitting that ice-cold bowl water. OooooF!
When I was in junior high playing football (the real football scumbag, where they tackle and shit) there was a guy that shit in the sink in our locker room because he couldn't wait for the guy in the shitter to get out. And I can't go without saying that he didn't wipe. It was a bad day.
Just out of interest, why do you call it football when your foot hardly ever touches the ball, which isn't even a ball but an ovoid?
But hey, you're talking to the wrong guy regarding sport, particularly footie. I loathe it with an undying passion.
Thank Goodness, ES, that theres someone else in the world who isn't led by the nose into loving bloody football (of whichever code ). It bores me stupid, and, well, I just don't get it. Players are paid obscene amounts of money to play a game that was invented to keep schoolboys away from schoolgirls at lunchtime. Apart from which, it has no redeeming social value, and there is no flow-on benefit to society as a whole. At least with motor sports, the technology developed on the race tracks finds it's way onto the everyday commuter's car, in benefits like disc brakes, fuel-injection, etc. A football is still a football, an alcohol-fuelled hooligan is still an alcohol-fuelled hooligan, and an overpaid rapist thug is still an overpaid rapist thug._______The white zone is for loading and unloading only- FZ.
I often times wondered why football was called football for the very same reason. Maybe cuz rugby was taken already. Or for the same reason baseball is called baseball when the ball never touches base. It's to make you brits ask questions. And I hate soccer as well. It's a rather gay sport, right along with lacross.
LBK, I've seen guys get beat up pretty bad in lacross, so I wouldn't tell a lacross player his sport is gay. Not to his face, anyway.
Not if you wish to keep your teeth! :D_______The Original Grasshopper
Personally, my favorite ball sport is pocket pool. And note that here the player need never contact the balls directly, yet they play a critical role in the outcome.
I think - ohmycarlisle, you're disgusting. :D_______The Original Grasshopper
IDK why, but I'm having a mad laughing fit over the phrase 'you're disgusting' lolziez_______The Original Grasshopper
I've often envisioned LJ and myself portraying characters similar to those of Paul Newman (Logjam, cuz he's old, almost dead)) and Tom Cruise (myself, only cuz thats the other character...Jim Varney would suit me better) in the Color of Money...pocket pool hustlers headed to the big championship in Vegas..._______ The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.
C'mon! Don't you care about my sanity at all?!?!? I don't need those images!!! _______The Original Grasshopper
He, Bilge, I'm there, as soon as I master the masse.
I hate you guys. Seriously, I do. :D_______The Original Grasshopper
Leandra. What in the world do you think we're talking about? You must be misunderstanding something.
LJ, sadly...I'm still having to use a bridge..._______ The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.
Well, there is no other way, sometimes, to get the right angle. I find myself having to use more and more chalk. In fact, chalking up has become half the fun.
Before I answer Lj's question, I'm going to potentially traumatize myself by asking...*cowers*...Bilge, please explain your post.
I'm going to go finish cooking dinner now. I would very much appreciate an answer that doesn't make me vomit._______The Original Grasshopper
Fuck me, my mind lives in the gutter. Apparently I don't hate you guys..._______The Original Grasshopper
A bridge, or rake, is a device used in (pocket)pool to make long, difficult strokes, resting the head of the "cue" in the cradle, allowing for a longer reach.
LJ, too much chalk seems to take the gumption out of my three-bank corner shot. Any advice?_______ The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.
Oh, dear, Leandra. How could you? But going back and reading the posts, I guess I see how you could have come upon your unsettling interpretation. But gross!!!! Ewwww...
It's all in the brand of the chalk. That blue stuff is murder. I've got something, comes in a tube, that will allow you to run the table without reapplication.
You'll have to show my how to apply it properly...uh...I mean, please show me._______ The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.
Be mindful of the quality of the toilet seat when choosing position. Some years back I was staying in a cheap motel on Route 73 in New Jersey and it had a flimsy, plastic, "horseshoe"-style toilet seat. I sat down to make, leaned a bit to the side and the seat got off-center from the rim and pinched the tip end of my manhood betwixt the bowl and seat. The pain was so intense and shocking that I couldn't even identify which part of my body was being tortured...it was like every nerve in my body had fired off at once. I thought a stray bullet had gone through a wall and hit my spine or something. Luckily there was no permanent damage, just a little redness, but damn...
OK, I'll work something up for YouTube.
Ohmyfuckingcarlisle, you are talking about that! UGH!!! This is worse than when I found out some rather unsettling info about PD's beverage choice... _______The Original Grasshopper
Talk about stray bullets, where did that come from?
Pstalis....I'm sorry, I'm really giggly today, HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!_______The Original Grasshopper
And another miss fire. Jesus!
I finished dinner. I already ate, so everyone's downstairs enjoying hamburgers._______The Original Grasshopper
I've completely lost my train of thought...
_______ The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.
I'll BRB (just warnin ya) I forgot to put the potatoes on the table. Dammit! _______The Original Grasshopper
Have folks totally lost the skill to either maintain a theme or cut interestingly across it on a de-rail?
Bilgey, I mean this in the nicest way, but I wasn't aware you had a train of thought. I kinda just thought it was a wholebunch of disconnected, derailed, individual train cars..._______The Original Grasshopper
Sorry, LJ...haven't been sleeping well lately...concentration is subpar at the moment. I'll do better, I promise. _______ The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.
Guys, I was cooking dinner. That's why I was gone. Then I came back, hence the posts that came outta nowhere. I forgot to put potatoes on the table, so I'm off again, and I'll be back again. Make sense now?_______The Original Grasshopper
I'm deflated, heading home where I certainly hope to find no potatoes on the table.
Why not? Potatoes are wum!_______The Original Grasshopper
Because at my home, we eat in bed. The table we save for sex. Nothing like running the table.
The only thing that can ruin running the table is scratching that last shot...I hate that. _______ The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.
Aww, come on!!! I knew it!!! I have resumed hating you two._______The Original Grasshopper
I voted other because I perfer to sit diagnally or katty-korner when pooping. I have sat on the toilet with my pants of and crossed my legs, it's pretty comfortable. There's no chance for smearage cuz there's a way to sit on the seat that keeps your cheeks spread. Nice and clean! We'll all be counting corn.
I am going to go read fanfic now, I'm not talking to you guys anymore..._______The Original Grasshopper
Hey speaking of fanfic, I'm working on one called poopy pantser. It's based off of one of my favorite books neuromancer, which started "the matrix" and also is where the term cyberspace came from. And, just to make you happy leandra, I'll put out twishite next. I may try it out in the forums before I attempt a front page move.
And what the bloody hell? I was off of poop report for two hours and all of a sudden this post got 38 comments! Jesus. I'm gonna go play pocket pool now.
I now include you on the list of dude I hate, LBK :D _______The Original Grasshopper
Well thanks leandra! I am glad to be on the same list a bilge and Logjam! I have finally came into my own on poop report!
What was this discussion originally about again?
Living life to the fullest.
I'm glad someone knew. There are a few posts that have gotten so faroff topic I don't remember what the original topic was.
LJ, if you really consider that to be living life to the fullest, then you have a seriously empty life._______The Original Grasshopper
Ohmycarbuncle! Pots and kettles and nigrification! _______The white zone is for loading and unloading only- FZ.
Icing on the cake, Leandra. It's that last little effort that makes the difference.
the taint is the piece of skin flap between the ball sack and the butt hole. it sometimes has a little hair on it. you can't see it. but if you have a mirror you could probably do so. Skeet Skeet Bang Bang bitches.
Well now leandra, for different people, living life to the fullest could be different for different people. For you, living life to the fullest may have been waiting in line at books-a-million for three hours with the rest of the screaming lil girls for the release of breaking dawn. For logjam, it may be that where he sits on the toilet dictates how good of a day he will have. For me, it's going a day without almost shitting myself. And for BM, living life to the fullest could be waiting for his shit bag to get completely full before he empties it. And walking around burping it to release his noxious, hours old farts.
Oh and just out of curiosity BM, does blind mullet represent a literally blind mullet fish, or the fact that you have a mullet haircut and are blind to the fact they are outrageously out of style here in 2009?
It`s way past BM`s bedtime, Leaky. He quite possibly does have a mullet as the Aussies are pretty far behind the rest of us when it comes to things like hair styles.
When you`re swimming in the sea off Bondi Beach you sometimes get a stray floating turd crossing your bows - that`s what a blind mullet is.
Hmmm, interesting. I'll have to remember never to swim off that beach. Of course, there was a river we were fishing on one time, for mullet of course, and my friend happened to shit upstream while I was down stream and the turd floated right past me, almost hitting me actually. I guess that could be one as well, huh?
living life to the fullest is logging on to poopreport 8 times a day
Amen! That's all I do when I'm not at work and don't have anything to do.
Sitting too far forward is not physically possible given there are several pendulous anatomical features that need to occupy the space there (namely the blue-veined trouser trout and the two nuts he hangs around). Too far back isn't a good idea either; puts pressure on the coccyx (tailbone) and hinders the ability of sphincter action, leading to incompletely-pinched loaves and messy paperwork. You aim for the bullseye, right down the middle! ----Captain Craptastic!!!
In a mixed gender household, the only fair solution to the seat up/down problem is to leave the lid closed all the time the commode is not in use. When either gender uses the commode, they lift either the lid only, or both lid and seat, then lower it/them when done.
I really really hate logic and common sense. _______ The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.
Is that why you never use it? This thread has derailed into something boring...*yawn* I just got home from school. I had an awesome sub who told us to fuck off and let him read. We didn't do anything for the entire class period, it was great!_______The Original Grasshopper
Tidify da, sinmah gough dah hep haing ding fum gogamamo.
Stry da fings thadd awondt oont do butt any il thang thad a wondt meeto.
Shees my nurirng my nu esit seten' ra mind at a ros reshoo.
I don loo kadang doo my net loohah leten meen you
Hmm, I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole.
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole.
You just don't know what shape I'm in.
Try-da-fy thedit dern tasgoo
Itel dang ifl eeton if airs ron wichoo
Day me dy ron my nek
Thars a dang ana ding doo itan beegon
Shee kina sitn wita ly dou fang
Let it ang wit a itin imin babee
Ide oln lee pak da thangs yoodo
Letit ang ifen eeton wacha ron wichoo
I'm not that goddamn gifted,I can't figure out what that is supposed to say._______The Original Grasshopper
Hey bilge, I think you need a new keyboard. I dunno if you shit on it, spilled coffee on it, or watched too much pornhub or what, but it aint acting right. I think you need to quite trying to touch your keyboard with a ten foot poll and use your fingers.
Its the lyrics to ZZ Top's "Ten Foot Pole" in response to Leandra's claim that I don't use common sense, (gibberish), and I thought it would make it more interesting for everybody...damn, I just remembered, when you analyze humor, humor is lost. Where's Logjam when you need him?
Mabye he's busy on his table...*grr's, glares*_______The Original Grasshopper
God, what a wonderful evening. Won't bother you with the details. As to Bilge's question, he knows the answer too well. I am totally unreliable, but that hardly matters. Because I am also incapable of helping myself, let alone someone in real need. What I can offer, I do. And that is this -- my wholehearted indifference. Wrap all these characteristics together, and I think you will agree that these make me, well, God-like. Send me money if you wish.
Okay then...I think...maybe...God-like creature? Feeling a bit narsasistic?_______The Original Grasshopper
I'd send my life's savings, if I had any, and if I cared, but you know how it is...sociopath...I really like having that diagnosis, takes me off the hook.
Wow, this just got interesting. You musta got laid and then took a massive shit right after to be feeling that good, aye logjam? I know that normally makes me feel godlike as well.
Guys guys guys guys!!! Before you all start talking about shit I'd rather not know about, would you kindly warn me before I accidently read the posts? Otherwise, you're getting the full force of my Twilight knowledge._______The Original Grasshopper
Are you suggesting that God is a narcissist? Hmm, now that you mention it, OK, I’ll buy that.
Yea it does make sense doesn't it logjam. And leandra, I'll be sure to put up a disclaimer first telling you to close your eyes. But as long as you're talking about twilight I'll be okay. Don't start talking about harry potter.
The massive shit, Leaky, I'm working up to. I love to let the tension build gradually over about an hour. The sex? Yeah, it was OK.
Um...*smiles and nods* (No I haven't joined the Washington Media crew)_______The Original Grasshopper
Ohmyfuckingsmexycarlisle, you people...no I will not start talking about Harry Potter, CARLISLE PWNS ALL!_______The Original Grasshopper
Ok miss IM, I have no fucking clue what you said there at the end. Sorry. And yea, I feel ya about letting the shits build up logjam. That way also, you can usually be sure there won't be aby false alarms. I've been letting what I thought was some serious cici's buffet pizza shits build up for the last hour or so now, and now that I'm sat down I'm kinda pissed that it was just gas.
I said Carlisle pwns all. That meas he is the shit, a smexy vampire doctor,and he is way better than everyone else, ever._______The Original Grasshopper
Okay, you guys can talk on this thread all you want now about pervy weirdo stuff, I'm going to sleep. It's only 11:13 here, but I'm way tired. I can't believe I'm going to bed so early!_______The Original Grasshopper
Don't worry, I have to be at work at 6 a.m. So I feel ya there. But what kind of pervy stuff is it that you speak of?
I squat. I put one foot on each side of the toilet seat and squat over the bowl. It helps to get everything out, and faster.
LBK, LJ and Bilgey over there can explain to you why:
a) LJ has reversed the roles for his table and his bed...
b) They must go into horrid detail about 'pocket pool'_______The Original Grasshopper
Dear Cheif, as a reply to your statement above regarding my gender. I am the female eunuch. Please call me Germaine Greer.
Who wrote 'oh my carbuncle' up there? Was it you Blind Mullet? Nice.
I can see the steam coming out of BM`s ears.
Dear Logjam, I'm sending you a check for $33.29 payable to the order of god. I usually save my hard-earned cash for evangalist ministers with a penchant for crystal meth, but you won me over with that sermon up there.
Dear Poopsy AKA Germaine Greer....Sorry to hear that you are a female eunuch but I love you for your intellect anyway. _______Eat chilies and feel the burn!!
Dear Chief,
You stole my heart when you told me your story about making processed meat logs. You had me at abcess.
Forever yours, Germaine
The "stray bullet" comment I made is a reflection of the general criminality and scumminess of the run-down motels to be found (at least in 1994)alonf Rte. 73 where it runs through Maple Shade. A random shooting wouldn't have been out of the realm of possibilty at all.
I think we knew, but LJ was using his god-like-ness to be witty._______The Original Grasshopper
A true Poop Report love story.....I am ready to ditch my precious wife of almost fifty years, Poopsy Mcgee, you have stolen the heart of a old fat man with your eloquence. _______Eat chilies and feel the burn!!
Or, you could stay with your wife and take PMG as your mistress...._______The Original Grasshopper
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