Which alcohol gives you the worst shits

// 85 Comments
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85 Comments on "Which alcohol gives you the worst shits"

Sargent Crapper's picture

I get all bloated gassy and spend 5 trips to the can to partake in ass pee when I have too much beer along with bad food. I had no problem all week with 2 beers and pizza, etc but 5 Coronas and 4 Bud Lights with Burgers and Chicken Fingers last night had me paying the price today. Blargh.

Anonymous Hero!'s picture

I'm on the throne now and let me tell you... The jäger I was on last night is comin out fast! And bringing my organs with it!

Honest to go I'm going to rip a hole in the floor soon!

crappier's picture

I don't drink much due to the fact that most any alcohol gives me the shits in the a.m. I prefer to drink beer because when I wake up the next morning it's one explosion of liquid and that's it. Tequila is the worst in my opinion, constant all day toilet bound activities,
I suggest also avoiding drinking too many high grade vodka with fruit juice mixed drinks. Makes you toilet bound for the entire morning and makes you feel like shitting your intestine out.

This is why some drink in moderation. lol

Anonymous Coward's picture

9 shots of absolut mandarin one new years left me to wake in a pool of my own throw up, my hair marinading in the juices, and a shit so wet and vile that I felt dehydrated the rest of the day.

Anonymous Coward's picture

A simple cocktail: TVR :(

ChiliKahKah's picture
j 1000+ points

How about the Green Death? a/k/a Hileman's Special Export....ewwwwwwwwww

Anonymous Coward's picture

Budweiser, or as it's known in most circles, buttwiper.

Blarg's picture

Steel Reserve offers double jeopardy.

First, within a couple of hours of drinking this cheap-but-effective swill, it generates some of the most intense, acrid granddaddy-of-all-farts flatulence of any beer-like substance I've ever consumed.

Second, each of those farts carries a low but significant risk of being a Hershey Squirt. Happens just often enough that I get nervous every time I feel the familiar, greasy sensation of a 211 Fart building up.

And yes, this is my every-day beer. At least I don't have to worry about constipation any more...

Anonymous Coward's picture

I spent the day working on a bottle of Jagermeister... the next morning I woke up and did a poo bigger than all the poos I did in the past year combined... IT FUCKING CLEANED ME OUT!

Anonymous Coward's picture

if bowels slow, whiskey will fix that in no time especially with greasy food

Squat-n-leaveit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

Ahhh baseball. Off to Safeco field to watch the Mariners play. (and probably get beat) Great time to have a beer, or 10. The price however shocked my Scottish sensibility. "Bill Gates could not afford to get drunk in this establishment!" I told the purveyor of the much wanted brew. Now, however, I could add, "but MMC could."

Mrs. Mad Crapper's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

Yeah when one margarita costs $3.50 it's best to get totally shitfaced off it and move on to doing better things. Like tripping and falling in the parking lot, walking into cars, and screaming WOOOOOOOO!!! out of the side of the Jeep as we drive away.
_______
Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

MMC, "blackout drunk off one shot" is more widely known as a cheap date. Certainely a desireable trait for a young lady in these tough economic times.

Mrs. Mad Crapper's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

I don't drink but maybe once or twice a year so I guess I'm a light weight. Reguarding the video, I can't believe they finally got my asshole exhusband on video.
_______
Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Blind Mullet's picture
k 500+ points

Speaking of alcohol and it's effects, check this fool who thinks its a good idea to go shopping for more booze:
http://www.break.com/index/drunkest-guy-ever-goes-for-more-beer.html
_______
The white zone is for loading and unloading only- FZ.

The white zone is for loading and unloading only- FZ.

Blind Mullet's picture
k 500+ points

Black out drunk off one shot?!?!?!?
It costs me a small fortune to get that sloshed, and along the way I unwittingly offend people, fall down, climb back onto the chair, and post stupid things here.
_______
The white zone is for loading and unloading only- FZ.

The white zone is for loading and unloading only- FZ.

Mrs. Mad Crapper's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

Alcohol never gives me the shits. I just get black out drunk off one shot and apparently puke in people's cars.
_______
Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

I was once participating in a poker game with a group of drunken pals when we ran out of drinks except for half a bottle of green creme de menthe, I finished it off and the next morning produced a wonderfully green log. It contained so mush sugar it felt like I was shitting ground glass.


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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Turd Blaster's picture

Beer, specifically wheat beers, and worse when paired with greasier foods like fast food burgers. Right now I have the shits from drinking 3 pints of milk over the last 4 hours.

Squat-n-leaveit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

OK. Here it is. The secret recipe for "Strip and Run Baked" punch.

1 Large can frozen limeade. Dump it in.
Fill same can with everclear. Dump it in.
2 bottles of beer. Dump them in.
Stir, ingest....

You will awake in a strange place, (with even stranger people) and hear stories that you...
Peed from the peak of a church steeple.
Crapped in a tuba.
Had your tallywhacker tattooed.
Etc...

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Let that be a lesson to you, eat something more colorful next time, no more greay (grey?) food!!


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

On toilet & laptop (now)'s picture

Beer is the worst with greay food. I've been shitting for 6 hours.

A Bit More Choke And It Would'v'e Started's picture

Gotta be Kronenbourg... I get the squits every day after drinking a few of those. Weird, 'cause I can drink Stella, Bud, Old Peculiar, Guinness, Sneck Lifter, Brains (whatever) all day and my ass is fine, but 4 pints of Kronenbourg, and I spend most of the next day on the shitter.

juniorhoss's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Beer will do it occasionally, but equally as oftne beer leads to constipation too.

Wine will not affect my shitting at all, but will make the most astringent, dry-lime-and-sulfur, eye-watering farts ever.

Hard liquor creates the jet-propelled shit that makes my backhole geyser like the diet-coke-and-mentos experiment. I could shit through a screen door and leave no particle that would be obstructed by the screen.

My guess is that Gin, Vodka, or Everclear (gasp) is strong enough to kill off all the beneficial bacteria in my gut, similar to the week-long chemical smelling scoots I always get from taking antibiotics.

Leaky Bowel King's picture
l 100+ points

Oh yea. Hell, my family tree leads to british royalty. Who gives a fuck that they went bankrupt and had to sell the manor and shit to the villiagers, they were still royal. South Alabama, England. Look it up.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

I say LBK, I hadn't realized you were from the UK.
_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Leaky Bowel King's picture
l 100+ points

Hey huge asshole, I still have a great, high paying job, can afford decent beer, but I like mickey's ( I haven't drank steel reserve in over a year) and I have other things to be spending my money on other than beer. So "oh DO fuck off, you humourless twat!"

Dildo Baggins's picture
l 100+ points


LBK...Mickeys? Steel Reserve? Whats the matter, couldn't find any rubbing alcohol or cheap aftershave to drink? My philosophy is that if you can't afford to drink something decent, don't drink at all. Don't worry LBK buddy, Obama will turn the economy around and you'll get your job back and be able to afford a bottle of Old Spice or Brut to swill._______
Here I sit, my cheeks a flexin' , trying to give birth to another Texan!!

Look out for Number 1, but don't step in Number2

spattacus's picture
l 100+ points

A turd that solid is certainly going to catch your ring on the way out!

Leaky Bowel King's picture
l 100+ points

That's what I was going for Blind Mullet. It does have kind of a catchy ring to it, doesn't it.

Blind Mullet's picture
k 500+ points

That would make one hell of a super-hero-
Drunk, Solid-Turdmaaaaaan!!!!!!!
_______
The white zone is for loading and unloading only- FZ.

The white zone is for loading and unloading only- FZ.

Leaky Bowel King's picture
l 100+ points

Hmmm, that's a pretty comprehensive list. I've actually started drinking mickey's and probabaly drank about 24 or 30 since friday and have remarkably solid shit. Which is by and far a pain in the ass. If I keep drinking mickey's and eating the limited fat, small meals I've been eating, I'll be the drunk solid turd man before too long.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

LBK.....The reason you can drink Bud Light forever without getting a buzz is because it only has an alcoholic content of 4.2%. You could save yourself some money by drinking a glass of water after every three or so regular beers. I, unfortunately for my figure, like full flavored beers with lots of taste. Beer in America has improved immensely with the advent of microbreweries.
I fell in love with the taste of real beer during my overseas travels with my Uncle Sam.

The original question of alcohol and poop really needs some clarification. I think that different beverages demand different foods for accompaniment and this has all the effect on your poop and or farts. If I am having a glass of red wine at other than mealtime I feel bound to eat a chunk or two of cheese with it. Beer demands pretzels or some other salty snack which will cause another aroma entirely.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Anonymous Coward's picture

gotta agree with poopcrayon - it's Stroh's. Of course, I'm remembering this 25 years on, but I drank a lot of Stroh's (and other brands) in high school, and it never failed.

Leaky Bowel King's picture
l 100+ points

I love bud light, I could drink it all day every day without really getting drunk. But I tend to eat when I drink and the combo is volatile. Steel reserve is by far the most stomach wrenching, evil shit producing beer in the world, right above olde english 800. Actually, I think 8-ball is canned shit because it tastes like ass from the start.

Dildo Baggins's picture
l 100+ points


Anti-oxidants and heart health be damned, but, I suck down a jug or two of good Dago Red, its look out scout...I'm headed for the shitter._______
Sorry---I farted!!

Look out for Number 1, but don't step in Number2

Thunderbox's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

That`s my idea of a layover. In 1992 I did a road trip through Alaska with a friend from Fairbanks and an Icelander. We had some great sessions on good beers (some very poor ones as well) in Homer, Seward, Chicken, Circle (we had to supply our own there), Fairbanks, Talkeetna and all over. The hire car was the filthiest I`ve ever seen a car, inside and out, by the time we returned it. Stank like long dead vermin as well. I pitied the hire car girl.

The voice of sanity

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Tbox, the Arctic Rhino porter is very dark, and is brewed with a handfull of coffee beans which gives it just the right hint of coffee flavor as an aftertaste. The brewery opens up in the afternoon for tasting and purchase of growlers (or refilling if you have empties). They also have other tasty beers such as Panty Peeler Belgian Tripel brewed with coriander and orange peel. That one might be gay though. Maybe we should start a poll on beers.

I have a 3 hour layover in Anchorage next month (unless Mt. Redoubt blows) and I will have my taxi driver take me over to the brewery and my favorite Cambodian restaurant for dinner. I should be in pretty good shape when I board my next plane.

El Scumbag's picture
k 500+ points

Oh, I forgot about proper West Country scrumpy. Not Scumpy Jack or any of those other fake fizzy pishy ciders, but the proper thick cloudy stuff that looks like the urine sample of a sow with cystitis and tastes like they'd not bothered to remove the birdshit and twigs from the apples before fermenting it.

A while ago, while in Cornwall, I made snakebites from some of that stuff and Tennants Super (TB, I trust you'll agree that the old blue tin is not gay). I remember nothing past the third pint until I woke up in a pool of puke on the floor, when my head felt like it had been invaded by mating badgers and my colon was squirting Mulligatawney Soup. Evil stuff.

And PD, yes Old Fart is a good 'un. I've only had it in small bottles though, one or two at a time, so I'm unsure what effect a big gutful can have on your arse. I'm guessing it won't be very nice though.

Thunderbox's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

PD, if it`s called a porter it must be fairly dark, couldn`t possibly be a lager and therefore is not gay.

Sounds tasty to me. But again being a porter it`s just a ball hair off the classification of a foodstuff.

The voice of sanity

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

I stand corrected. Those ex-commie Czechs are a bunch of beer swilling, chain smoking fellows as I recall. I guess you Aussies need to grow some hair on your asses and take that title back.

On another (foul) note, I seem to remember drinking a Theakstons masterpiece called Old Fart. Has anybody else heard of that one? My personal favorite? Midnight Sun Coffee Porter, tapped directly at the brewery in a 2 liter growler. (Tbox, please tell me that's not a gay beer)

Thunderbox's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

A session on ales like Old Peculiar, Coniston Old Man, Skullsplitter etc don`t give me bad shits - just powerfully smelly and interspersed with raucously violent farts.

Guinness doesn`t count as it`s classified as a foodstuff, not a beer.

Lagers, apart from some German and Eastern European brews, are just downright gay and should not be drunk at all.

The voice of sanity

El Scumbag's picture
k 500+ points

Oh, and for me, it's bitter or real ale that gives me the worst shits. Theakstons Old Peculiar is a particularly bowel-damaging brew. And Fullers ESB. And Youngs Winter Warmer (which makes the shit smell of rotten eggs that have been fermenting in vomit for a month). Guinness is nasty on the guts too, making the poo blacker and richer (possibly due to the iron content), but thinking about it, I'd have to put my vote on Old Peculiar. It is very appropriately named.

Lager? Don't make me fucking laugh.

El Scumbag's picture
k 500+ points

Actually PD, the country with the highest per capita beer consumption is the Czech Republic, unless things have changed in recent years. I always understood Oz to be somewhere around the 3rd or 4th position. Then again, I've never met an Aussie bloke yet who didn't drink beer like their life depended on it. I take my cyber-hat off to the fellows, and realise that compared to most Aussies, our own drinking ability in the UK (with the exception of perhaps the Scots) makes us look like weak-livered wankers.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

BM, I would be the last to question beer wisdom from a fellow from the country with the highest per capita consumption on the planet. However, beer was designed to pass out our dicks, not our asses. It is what the male body was designed around. Perhaps the over consumption of cheap beer was accompanied by the eating of some not-so-user-friendly foods. Perhaps a vegemite sandwich?

Blind Mullet's picture
k 500+ points

Some of our foulest brews here (like Toohey's New and VB) have been known to give me the screaming gassy shits, which is probably why I avoid 'em like the plague. The kind of instant gassy buildup which plays the dare game (I dare you to fart), and the results are so unpredictable that I would wuss out, and go sit on the throne, just in case.
Mind you, these 2 that I mentioned would probably be the most popular beers in Australia, even if they do taste like liquid swarf.
Just for the record, VB is supposed to stand for Victoria Bitter, but lots of us reckon it stands for Vile Beer. Its also known as Jabroni Bitter and Defendant's Beer.


_______
I don't bite my nails, 'cause I don't like the taste of whats under 'em.

The white zone is for loading and unloading only- FZ.

Pillsbury Dirt Bag's picture
m 1+ points - Newb


Vodka, especially some cheap kind that comes in the 5 gallon drum, is absolutely worst. It burns and has that sharp stench to it...
PDB

PDB

Cristian's picture

Blatz gives you the splatz and also can send you directly to an alcohol rehab. People like to drink but they never think about the possible negative outcomes of their behavior.

Moderator's note - I decided to let this comment through to pass a note to the person who continues to submit these lame, ill-veiled comments with links to his alcohol treatment center embedded in them. (I'd mention the name of the rehab, but that would only give this teetotaler what he wants.) Look alcohol rehab spammer, you can keep on submitting your attempts to link to your clinic, but I'm not going to let the links through. This is a site about poop humor. If you don't have anything relative to contribute, then don't contribute. Period. And for God's sakes, you should know as a rehabber by now - if someone really wants to quit drinking, that person can find information on the web about rehab centers his or her self.

ChiliKahKah's picture
j 1000+ points

There was a cheap beer in the midwest called Blatz. As the saying goes......Blatz gives ya the splatz.

Anonymous Coward's picture

i'm writing this mid dump, after a heavy night on the carlsberg, and i swear i could strip the porcelein with whats happening right now, phew!