Which alcohol gives you the worst shits

// 85 Comments
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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Beer. Doesn't everybody?
46% (798 votes)
Hard Liquor. Vodka, rum, tequila, whiskey. You know, the good stuff!
37% (634 votes)
Wine. Well, it could happen!
11% (182 votes)
Champagne. All those bubbles do me in!
2% (32 votes)
Rubbing Alcohol. Please don't reproduce!
5% (81 votes)
Total votes: 1727

85 Comments on "Which alcohol gives you the worst shits"

Chuck's picture
l 100+ points
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Beer, good beer, bad beer, draft beer, beer with greasy Krystal or White Castle hamburgers, beer with Taco Bell... the results are the same. There is a unique stench with a gravy-like viscosity.

Bunga Din's picture
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Any overproof alcohol usually led me down a terrible path. Arak (milk of the lions) was my worst but I also had a crap from drinking 180 proof Rum that basically turned everything inside me to liquid and burned like gasoline on the way out.

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Gotta agree with Bunga...Everclear was the worst.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Mary Queen of Scats's picture
l 100+ points
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Everclear..ugh...(shudder).
A shitload of Raspberry UV turns your poop (and upchuck) green, no matter what you mix with it.

_______
It's YOUR cat, YOU get his poop out of my sink!

Bad kitty! Bathtubs are NOT litterboxes!

Crunchy Frog's picture
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Guinness gives me the most shocking squits - fetid arse tar flows into the lavatory shortly after!

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points
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What if you don't drink normally?

BTW--Crunchy, the above almost sounds like a Poo Haiku.

Pantload's picture
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Jagermeister is considered a liqueur but it's hard liquor to me and one hell of a laxative. Just the anticipation of the first shot starts my bowels a rumblin'. Had a bad day? A few shots of Jager will melt it (and your bunghole) away!


What's so funny 'bout poop, love, and understanding?

What's so funny 'bout poop, love, and understanding?

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points
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Mmmmm, Jagermeister........ I'm familiar with that spirit.

I chose beer because certain beers put the worst tax on my digestive system. I can handle the little wine and bourbon shits, but not the beer shits. They're unforgiving.

Could it be that you are most affected by what you drink the least?


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

GottaGoGirl's picture
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"The Dumpster (2406) -- 03.23.2007
What if you don't drink normally?
"

Are you saying you drink abnormally?

The Big Wiper's picture
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Umm...ingesting rubbing alcohol will not give you the shits. It will kill you first.

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

werewolf pooping on trees's picture
l 100+ points
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Stuff like this turns me off to alcohol consumption more than those cheesy school videos any day... If I were to vote in this poll, I'd vote for rubbing alcohol, which is the only kind of alcohol I've ever consumed in my life.

_______
...and they all lived crappily ever after!

...and they all lived crappily ever after!

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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For myself, alcohol usually does the opposite and bungs my up. I think this is because alcohol dehydrates people and this leads to hard shits. Or so I would think. After reading a lot of stories on PR, I've come to realize that a lot of people get the squirts from it.

I think the only time I've gotten the shits from alcohol was during happy hour in a Florida seafood place. They were offering VERY strong margaritas and I downed two of them. Almost instantaneous pyroclastic eruption! Gotta love that tequila!

_______
Behold! My new farting super power! BRAPP!!!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

healthy 1's picture
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Hard liquor always constipates me. But in a strange twist, the only beer that I can drink, without having loose bowels, is Pabst Blue Ribbon. For some reason, Miller beer, loosens me up the most.
______
"Thunder in March betokens a fruitfull year" .Or is it "Thunder in March, frost in June"?

"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

shitwit's picture
k 500+ points
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Oh, yeah, I forgot about the Everclear Effect on the Bowels! I once marinated a bowl of cherries in Everclear and we ate the cherries and someone dared me to "drink the brine". I did. I could have made flaming sharts come out my ass by getting too close to an open flame!

_______
Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

Mary Queen of Scats's picture
l 100+ points
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It's even worse when you inject it into an orange or watermelon.

_______
It's YOUR cat, YOU get his poop out of my sink!

Bad kitty! Bathtubs are NOT litterboxes!

Toots N. McCrack's picture
l 100+ points
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Oh, I voted for wine (in large quantities)-- it's got the most sugar/fruit pre-mixed in with it. If you drink hard with fruit juice, it does the same thing....not pleasant....

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'Hey that sounds pretty nasty, how about a courtesy flush over there?' (AP1)

'Hey that sounds pretty nasty, how about a courtesy flush over there?' (AP1)

loaf pincher's picture
l 100+ points
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beer everything is good in moderation but i tend to over do the beer on real hot days and then i am on the shitter sweating my ass off and blowing my ass out

SQUIRTER's picture
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THE ALCOHOL THAT GIVES ME THE SQUIRTEES IS MICKEYS. I LUV MICKEYS BECAUSE IT GETS YOU RETARDED BUT AFTER YOUR DONE YOU FEEL LIKE A BUMBLEBEE IS BUZING OUT OF YOUR ASS.

SamDamnit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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I get the shits, if I DON'T have a beer.
_______
SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

drug addiction treatment center's picture
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Well beer is by far the worst case scenario, i will go for beer in this case any time, wanna get it worse ? try the beer/coffee combo.

engineer's picture
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I think any kind of white vermouth will do the job, especially if it's warm outside... ouch the memories...

poop guy 19's picture
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When i get completely loaded off of whisky, i usually have the squirts 2 or 3 times within the first hour of waking up, and maybe once more later on in the day

Not An Anonymous Coward's picture
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this is like saying i'd rather do heroine than take a hit of pot. in fact, you're right. now go drink rubbing alcohol and never take a sip of beer, evar.

"Stuff like this turns me off to alcohol consumption more than those cheesy school videos any day... If I were to vote in this poll, I'd vote for rubbing alcohol, which is the only kind of alcohol I've ever consumed in my life."

suboxone detox's picture
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For me it's Martini, whenever I get wasted off martinis, I know it's gonna be a long and hard 'labor' the next day.

pyrotechnics's picture
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funny, i've had arak and i didnt get the shits, but the people i was with said mix with water. everclear shits are bad, but apple pie shots at 180 proof make me shit storms. probably vecause most of the apple pie alcohols are home made...

When it Shits it Pours's picture
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Two that will always do it....

Camo, a truly vile 40 oz that I've only seen in Michigan. Pictured here: http://40ouncebeer.com/40/camo40.html

No2, Steel Reserve. Somethign about that high gravity lager... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steel_Reserve

The quote at the bottom says it all "Due to the high alcohol content and low price, Steele Reserve is widely consumed by alcoholic homeless people. In a 2003 effort to curb the problem, the city of Seattle banned the sale of Steele Reserve and other high alcoholic drinks in areas with a high concentrated amount of homeless. In 2006, Seattle expanded the band to a wider area of the city."

Ha ha, what can I say, im a low budget drinker!

poopcrayon's picture
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i thought sparks was pretty bad.. but i'm rethinking things and have to say that strohs (another beer that is only available in mi, so i'm told) makes me rumble more than anything else.


_______
all aboard the farty train to pooterville..if you can't shit at my house, we aren't friends

all aboard the farty train to pooterville

prarie doggin's picture
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Dirty Martini's=Dirty Ass

When it Shits it Pours's picture
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Poopcrayon, Where else other than our great state can you get a quality fire brewed Stroh's? :) I've avoided the strohs, but schlitz has the same imact as Strohs on me. Strohs isnt cheap enough for the low budget drinker I be ;)

poopcrayon's picture
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strohs was the cheapest at the bar last night. i think the painted lady might actually have schlitz, but i think i would drink that only as novelty... where in america's high five do you live?

do i know you?!


_______
all aboard the farty train to pooterville..if you can't shit at my house, we aren't friends

all aboard the farty train to pooterville

Drug rehab's picture
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I can drink gallons of beer without getting the runs, but throw some tequila in there and I'm a leaking faucet.

Mc. Shitter's picture
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i have to say Jagermeister. i drank three shots last night, and i have a dirty yellow/brown licrish smelling liquid squirting out of my bum, @ the speed of sound.

MSG's picture
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I rarely drink alcohol, but a couple of nights ago I had a gin and tonic before supper and a large glass of wine with supper. Unaccustomed to that much, I walked carefully. I got to the hotel and went to bed. At about midnight I got up to pee, felt a rumble pressure below, sat down, and actually had a b.m. in the middle of the night, which hasn't happened to me for years. It wasn't much--a couple of plunkers and some soft stuff--but it was real, and I had to do it. The next morning I had a b.m. at my normal time (early), and it also was soft, about a 5 or even a 6 on the scale. I attribute this unusual timing and consistency to the alcohol.

baron von crapalot's picture
k 500+ points
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MSG, I drink to the max, and as I type there is a G&T to my side. The liquor is a great lube. Get yourself some Fitou red wine, see what happens.
_______
Did I just fart?.... Oh shit! NO!!

I hope to god I've just sat in a Shepard's pie.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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I have been drinking to excess for the last fifty years so I don't have any way to tell if it effects me or not. I am extremely regular and have very smelly BMs.

Some of you mentioned
Jagermeister. I have a friend who clerks in a liquor store. He was recently approached by one of our Tennessee good old boys who said, "I'm looking for a drink that I can't remember the name of, it sounds something like Gagabastard." My opinion also.

_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Anonymous Coward's picture
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i'm writing this mid dump, after a heavy night on the carlsberg, and i swear i could strip the porcelein with whats happening right now, phew!

ChiliKahKah's picture
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There was a cheap beer in the midwest called Blatz. As the saying goes......Blatz gives ya the splatz.

Cristian's picture
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Blatz gives you the splatz and also can send you directly to an alcohol rehab. People like to drink but they never think about the possible negative outcomes of their behavior.

Moderator's note - I decided to let this comment through to pass a note to the person who continues to submit these lame, ill-veiled comments with links to his alcohol treatment center embedded in them. (I'd mention the name of the rehab, but that would only give this teetotaler what he wants.) Look alcohol rehab spammer, you can keep on submitting your attempts to link to your clinic, but I'm not going to let the links through. This is a site about poop humor. If you don't have anything relative to contribute, then don't contribute. Period. And for God's sakes, you should know as a rehabber by now - if someone really wants to quit drinking, that person can find information on the web about rehab centers his or her self.

Pillsbury Dirt Bag's picture
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Vodka, especially some cheap kind that comes in the 5 gallon drum, is absolutely worst. It burns and has that sharp stench to it...
PDB

PDB

Blind Mullet's picture
k 500+ points
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Some of our foulest brews here (like Toohey's New and VB) have been known to give me the screaming gassy shits, which is probably why I avoid 'em like the plague. The kind of instant gassy buildup which plays the dare game (I dare you to fart), and the results are so unpredictable that I would wuss out, and go sit on the throne, just in case.
Mind you, these 2 that I mentioned would probably be the most popular beers in Australia, even if they do taste like liquid swarf.
Just for the record, VB is supposed to stand for Victoria Bitter, but lots of us reckon it stands for Vile Beer. Its also known as Jabroni Bitter and Defendant's Beer.


_______
I don't bite my nails, 'cause I don't like the taste of whats under 'em.

The white zone is for loading and unloading only- FZ.

prarie doggin's picture
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BM, I would be the last to question beer wisdom from a fellow from the country with the highest per capita consumption on the planet. However, beer was designed to pass out our dicks, not our asses. It is what the male body was designed around. Perhaps the over consumption of cheap beer was accompanied by the eating of some not-so-user-friendly foods. Perhaps a vegemite sandwich?

El Scumbag's picture
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Actually PD, the country with the highest per capita beer consumption is the Czech Republic, unless things have changed in recent years. I always understood Oz to be somewhere around the 3rd or 4th position. Then again, I've never met an Aussie bloke yet who didn't drink beer like their life depended on it. I take my cyber-hat off to the fellows, and realise that compared to most Aussies, our own drinking ability in the UK (with the exception of perhaps the Scots) makes us look like weak-livered wankers.

El Scumbag's picture
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Oh, and for me, it's bitter or real ale that gives me the worst shits. Theakstons Old Peculiar is a particularly bowel-damaging brew. And Fullers ESB. And Youngs Winter Warmer (which makes the shit smell of rotten eggs that have been fermenting in vomit for a month). Guinness is nasty on the guts too, making the poo blacker and richer (possibly due to the iron content), but thinking about it, I'd have to put my vote on Old Peculiar. It is very appropriately named.

Lager? Don't make me fucking laugh.

Thunderbox's picture
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A session on ales like Old Peculiar, Coniston Old Man, Skullsplitter etc don`t give me bad shits - just powerfully smelly and interspersed with raucously violent farts.

Guinness doesn`t count as it`s classified as a foodstuff, not a beer.

Lagers, apart from some German and Eastern European brews, are just downright gay and should not be drunk at all.

The voice of sanity

prarie doggin's picture
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I stand corrected. Those ex-commie Czechs are a bunch of beer swilling, chain smoking fellows as I recall. I guess you Aussies need to grow some hair on your asses and take that title back.

On another (foul) note, I seem to remember drinking a Theakstons masterpiece called Old Fart. Has anybody else heard of that one? My personal favorite? Midnight Sun Coffee Porter, tapped directly at the brewery in a 2 liter growler. (Tbox, please tell me that's not a gay beer)

Thunderbox's picture
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PD, if it`s called a porter it must be fairly dark, couldn`t possibly be a lager and therefore is not gay.

Sounds tasty to me. But again being a porter it`s just a ball hair off the classification of a foodstuff.

The voice of sanity

El Scumbag's picture
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Oh, I forgot about proper West Country scrumpy. Not Scumpy Jack or any of those other fake fizzy pishy ciders, but the proper thick cloudy stuff that looks like the urine sample of a sow with cystitis and tastes like they'd not bothered to remove the birdshit and twigs from the apples before fermenting it.

A while ago, while in Cornwall, I made snakebites from some of that stuff and Tennants Super (TB, I trust you'll agree that the old blue tin is not gay). I remember nothing past the third pint until I woke up in a pool of puke on the floor, when my head felt like it had been invaded by mating badgers and my colon was squirting Mulligatawney Soup. Evil stuff.

And PD, yes Old Fart is a good 'un. I've only had it in small bottles though, one or two at a time, so I'm unsure what effect a big gutful can have on your arse. I'm guessing it won't be very nice though.

prarie doggin's picture
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Tbox, the Arctic Rhino porter is very dark, and is brewed with a handfull of coffee beans which gives it just the right hint of coffee flavor as an aftertaste. The brewery opens up in the afternoon for tasting and purchase of growlers (or refilling if you have empties). They also have other tasty beers such as Panty Peeler Belgian Tripel brewed with coriander and orange peel. That one might be gay though. Maybe we should start a poll on beers.

I have a 3 hour layover in Anchorage next month (unless Mt. Redoubt blows) and I will have my taxi driver take me over to the brewery and my favorite Cambodian restaurant for dinner. I should be in pretty good shape when I board my next plane.

Thunderbox's picture
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That`s my idea of a layover. In 1992 I did a road trip through Alaska with a friend from Fairbanks and an Icelander. We had some great sessions on good beers (some very poor ones as well) in Homer, Seward, Chicken, Circle (we had to supply our own there), Fairbanks, Talkeetna and all over. The hire car was the filthiest I`ve ever seen a car, inside and out, by the time we returned it. Stank like long dead vermin as well. I pitied the hire car girl.

The voice of sanity

Dildo Baggins's picture
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Anti-oxidants and heart health be damned, but, I suck down a jug or two of good Dago Red, its look out scout...I'm headed for the shitter._______
Sorry---I farted!!

Look out for Number 1, but don't step in Number2