The Shit Machine
Some say it's disgusting and some say it's quite obscene
When they discover I make a living as a shitting machine.
For a small sum of money, or whatever you can donate
It truly is with zeal and charm that I gladly defecate.
There really is no job too big and really none too small;
Be it noon or night, come rain or shine -- I'm always here on call.
I do weddings, dinners, bar mitzvahs, funerals, and births
And I always guarantee to impress with my turdular girths.
I had this job last week, this poor old soul had died.
His widow called my cell phone, so promptly I replied:
"Shit Machine Rentals, please, how can I assist?"
(The line was really bad and she sounded rather pissed.)
"Look, my Frankie's dead, and I need your help here quick --
I've got a funeral to arrange and I hear that you're the lick.
Please be at mine tonight at a quarter to eight,
Bring samples with you and don't be fucking late."
She needed some "art deco" for the late hubby's grave,
(I'd done something similar for my best mate's father, Dave).
So down I wolfed a curry, plus two pints of ale,
Hoping to engender a wholesome, thick brown tail.
The day was a success and I dumped a bloody treat;
Perfection in poo form -- my logs were thick and neat.
And better still, I picked up a great referral:
A christening on Sunday week for a lady there called Beryl.
Beryl had a problem and was now left in the lurch --
Her venue being fully booked, she asked me to shit a church.
'Twas my biggest challenge yet, but rising to th'occasion,
I ate raw meat for three whole days, inducing constipation.
My monster diet continued in true gargantuan style;
This was set to be the biggest turd I'd ever done on file.
The farts produced were awesome, some really quite untrue --
But all week long I restrained myself from releasing any poo.
With the big day fast approaching, I was ready to explode
Ten whole tonnes of compacted shit just waiting to unload.
At first I pooped the brickwork; the meat had worked a treat.
Log upon log of solid stools, 'twas truly an accomplished feat.
Then next came the tiling, with sheets of flattened poos --
Hours of fun with a cutting board; and then it was onto the pews!
My masterpiece church dump had taken just over a week --
Let me tell you, passing a shit like this was truly magnifique.
As la pièce de résistance -- the icing on the brown cake --
I now drew from within me all the shit that was left to make
A solid ornate fecal font of the highest caliber yet,
And now with all my hard work done, the lovely scene was set.
I've pooped out presents for Christmas; I've even pooped a tree.
You name it, I've shat it -- and I've shat it all with glee.
So if you're short of gift ideas, or even need a house
Call Shit Machine Rentals now, and get your free poo mouse.