The Shit Machine

l 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

Some say it's disgusting and some say it's quite obscene

When they discover I make a living as a shitting machine.

For a small sum of money, or whatever you can donate

It truly is with zeal and charm that I gladly defecate.

There really is no job too big and really none too small;

Be it noon or night, come rain or shine -- I'm always here on call.

I do weddings, dinners, bar mitzvahs, funerals, and births

And I always guarantee to impress with my turdular girths.

I had this job last week, this poor old soul had died.

His widow called my cell phone, so promptly I replied:

"Shit Machine Rentals, please, how can I assist?"

(The line was really bad and she sounded rather pissed.)

"Look, my Frankie's dead, and I need your help here quick --

I've got a funeral to arrange and I hear that you're the lick.

Please be at mine tonight at a quarter to eight,

Bring samples with you and don't be fucking late."

She needed some "art deco" for the late hubby's grave,

(I'd done something similar for my best mate's father, Dave).

So down I wolfed a curry, plus two pints of ale,

Hoping to engender a wholesome, thick brown tail.

The day was a success and I dumped a bloody treat;

Perfection in poo form -- my logs were thick and neat.

And better still, I picked up a great referral:

A christening on Sunday week for a lady there called Beryl.

Beryl had a problem and was now left in the lurch --

Her venue being fully booked, she asked me to shit a church.

'Twas my biggest challenge yet, but rising to th'occasion,

I ate raw meat for three whole days, inducing constipation.

My monster diet continued in true gargantuan style;

This was set to be the biggest turd I'd ever done on file.

The farts produced were awesome, some really quite untrue --

But all week long I restrained myself from releasing any poo.

With the big day fast approaching, I was ready to explode

Ten whole tonnes of compacted shit just waiting to unload.

At first I pooped the brickwork; the meat had worked a treat.

Log upon log of solid stools, 'twas truly an accomplished feat.

Then next came the tiling, with sheets of flattened poos --

Hours of fun with a cutting board; and then it was onto the pews!

My masterpiece church dump had taken just over a week --

Let me tell you, passing a shit like this was truly magnifique.

As la pièce de résistance -- the icing on the brown cake --

I now drew from within me all the shit that was left to make

A solid ornate fecal font of the highest caliber yet,

And now with all my hard work done, the lovely scene was set.

I've pooped out presents for Christmas; I've even pooped a tree.

You name it, I've shat it -- and I've shat it all with glee.

So if you're short of gift ideas, or even need a house

Call Shit Machine Rentals now, and get your free poo mouse.

26 Comments on "The Shit Machine"

C Everett Poop's picture
j 1000+ points

No offense but this poem sucks.

PooperGal's picture
k 500+ points

It reminded me a little of Dr. Seuss. Now we have Dr. Poos.

"Searching for the Origin of the Feces"

"Searching for the Origin of the Feces"

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points

EB, the content is funner than hell, but let's face it, man, this ain't gonna win the Nobel Prize for Literature.

How did you get King David to publish your poem, anyway? I've sent him a couple, and he sits on them like my Auntie Agnes before she has taken her Geritol. For example:

"So embarassed I thought I would die,
At the home of my boss last July,
When his dog named Smedley
Let a silent-but-deadly,
And everyone thought it was I!"

Grogan Bin Shatting's picture

Some come here to sit and think, others come here to shit and stink, but i come here most of all to show my corn husks to one and all.


SamDamnit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

"my turdular girths"

Rectum Rector
The Church of Poop

The Emir of Crapistan

Courier's picture

Bury 'em, I don't mean the enema. This poem is painful as passing peanuts.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

I liked it. It was harmless. .....hugging bunnies since 1969

.....hugging bunnies since 1969

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points

Congratulations, Daphne, on just passing 1000 points. However the election comes out, you are in the Poop Hall of Fame (located, of course, in Flushing Meadows).

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Maybe it's because I'm in a hurry to pack for my most recent trip, but I don't understand this poem at all.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points

TSV, you sound like me, packing for your most recent trip. Most people pack for their NEXT trip!

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Ha ha!

Yeah, see how busy I am?

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Bunga Din's picture
j 1000+ points

I think this poem was a good effort, poetry is not as easy as we seem to think. His concept is almost like edward scissor hands and unfortunately I can't think of a funny thing to say about that. Good work EB.

Fart Poopie's picture
j 1000+ points

I can picture you sculpting with your poop.
That's kind of... disturbing...

George Eliot Butterz's picture
l 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

C Everett: None taken - we're all entitled to our opinion!

Dumpster: Thanks - it was meant as an amusing piece of poo fiction, rather than a literary masterpiece, but thanks anyway!

TSV: There's nowt to understand - I was merely having a laugh...

Courier: See above comment for C Everett...

Daphne: thanks!

Bunga - nice one! Although a bit confuzzled about the Edward Scissorhands reference!

Another poem on its way hopefully very soon! Until next time, take care of yourselves, and each other.

George Eliot Butterz's picture
l 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

Dumpster, in reply to your lovely little limerick, which I liked immensely, try this on for size:

"There once was a Bruce from Newcastle
Who rolled up a turd in a parcel.
He sent it by plane
To a poofter in Spain
To show him the size of his asshole."

Mein Grossen Scheissekampf's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

ROFL Butters nice one

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points

"There was a young man from LaPlace,
Whose balls were constructed of glass.
When they knocked together,
They played "Stormy Weather,"
And lightning flew out of his ass."

George Eliot Butterz's picture
l 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

Hey that's an classic oldie Dumpster... how's about:

"A whimsical chap named Brock
Could beat the bass drum with his cock.
With a special erection
He would play a selection
From Johann Sebastian Bach."

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points

EB, you're my kinda literate guy!

"A certian young man from Old Roma,
Had a cock that could play "La Paloma,"
But the strength of his act
Can't make up for the fact
Of impotence, size, and aroma."

I could do this all night, but I have to leave in a few minutes and take Little Dumpster to basketball practice. Later!

George Eliot Butterz's picture
l 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

:) Cheers Dumpster. While I'm on a roll, I might add that:

"A farmer I know named O'Doole
Has a long and incredible tool.
He can use it to plow
Or diddle a cow
Or just as a cue stick at pool."

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points

Would that be a Tootsie Roll, EB? I'll go you one worse:

The turds of a tinker from Thailand
Are as large and as long as an island
When he sits to shit
The feces won't fit
But back up from the bowl to the sky, man!

George Eliot Butterz's picture
l 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

Haha tootsie roll!

good stuff Dumpster!!! I liked that one a lot!

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points

Do you reckon St. Dave might deign to collect our poetastic commentary on the cloaca into a poet-nasty forum on PR?

Poopgirl's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Can you poop out a dog?
Poop on!


Poop on!


Russell's picture
l 100+ points

nice, but not your best
Russell the shitting queen

Russell the shitting queen

ChiliKahKah's picture
j 1000+ points

And on the next Jerry Springer Show...

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