poopreport : Pooetry :

make it a brown christmas

You Are What You Eat

Posted 12.22.2005 by George Eliot Butterz (244)
When I was quite young and barely a lad,
my mum would opine that the food I had
would manifest itself in numerous ways
and cause me to shit for three whole days.

But as any young upstart with no sign of a bulge,
I ignored her counsel and continued t'indulge;
binge-eating the pies, the curry and rice --
anything with carbs I'd consume in a trice.

But my gluttony did cause the same nightly result:
at three every morning to the toilet I'd bolt.
Clutching my stomach with pains so acute,
so desperate to release the wet poo from my chute.

It would start with a pseudo-solid log that would fool
me into thinking I'd been blessed with a manageable stool.
Slipping slowly underwater like a brown submarine,
jettisoned from my rear end as my face turned green.

Then, as in Hold 'Em, I'd wait for "the flop" --
and that fateful loud splash as my guts I did drop.
A gallon of warm liquid enveloping the logs
as I struggle to squirt the turd clear from my togs.

A steady brown fountain of shit now poured;
fists clenched tight as I prayed to the Lord;
my face contorted with this pain I abhorred --
my exit wound punctured as if by Samurai sword.
To continue these habits I could now ill afford;
of shitting daily like this, I was now rather bored.

* * *

Looking down and my watch says it's almost three-thirty;
looking back there behind me the pan's brown and dirty.
Looking left, the bog roll's disconcertingly diminished --
looking forward to the time when my sore arse has finished.

* * *

I realize at this point that my incorrigible feeding
is the cause of my anguish. (And my crack is now bleeding).
And to make matters worse, my foot had got cramp --
How can't you wake the house while trying to stamp?

With the cramp now gone I face the grim task
of using a half-roll of paper to clean my torn arse.
Now rising from my seat and without a word,
I stepped back from my throne to admire my turd.

A splattering of sorts met my now-drowsy gaze,
varied in content with a smell to amaze.
I now delicately folded three-plied sheets in two,
gently mopping my ring to soak up the poo.

I thought, "God, what I'd give for a wet wipe right now" --
it felt like my anus had given birth to a cow.
At a quarter to four I'm still wiping my arse;
this nightly poo ritual was becoming a farce.

So what is the moral of this story I tell?
With diarrhea this bad, you're halfway to Hell.
So please take heed or the shits you will greet
And as my mother once said: "You are what you eat."




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Tydirium (516) -- 12.22.2005

Wow. That was great. I love how you broke form and stanza with six lines rhyming on the same sound. Great form!

The Big Wiper (2245) -- 12.22.2005

Another thing I enjoyed about this particular piece of pooetry was that it reminded me a bit in structure of "The Night Before Christmas." For example, the last line: "And as my mother once said: 'You are what you eat.'"

Similar scheme to: "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"

Have no idea whether that was intended, but it struck me as a bit of lagniappe during the season.

daphne (3695) -- 12.22.2005

Nice! The stanzas match, which is a plus; I like pooetry that's not sloppy.

Just like my turds.

.....hugging bunnies since 1969

SamDamnit (1192) -- 12.22.2005

Lovely. You should win the Poolitzer Prize.

SamDamnit!
Rectum Rector
of
The Church of Poop
http://groups.myspace.com/THECHURCHOFPOOP

Cracktacular (228) -- 12.22.2005

"t'indulge" - Hmm, suspiciously French, but acceptable. Jolly good show.

colty cakes (5) -- 12.22.2005

your a poet and don't know it

George Eliot Butterz (244) -- 12.22.2005

Hey guys thanks for the well wishing... Have another tale of magnitude in verse currently on thev production line...

BTW "t'indulge" was used to shorten the syllablic length of that particular line, in keeping with the metre... NOT French LOL

SamDamnit (1192) -- 12.22.2005

Non France? Merde!

SamDamnit!
Rectum Rector
of
The Church of Poop
http://groups.myspace.com/THECHURCHOFPOOP

The Shit Volcano (3740) -- 12.22.2005

Finally! Pooetry about a million wiper!

poo in a shoe (not verified) -- 12.23.2005

ahaha, that reminded me of The Night Before Christmas too, for some odd reason.

also, if it were French, it would mean 'you indulge' not to indulge, therefore throwing the meaning, so il n'est pas francais.

The Big Wiper (2245) -- 12.23.2005

Cool--poo in a shoe! Glad to see that I wasn't imagining the structural similarity to 'Night Before Christmas.'

Aussi: je crois que c'est vrai qu'il n'est pas francais. Joyeux Noel!

Cracktacular (228) -- 12.23.2005

Yeah, yeah, yeah... I took high school French, too - for the ladies.

The Dumpster (2506) -- 01.16.2006

And in Stanza 6, you need to read it,

"fists clenchED tight as I prayed to the Lord"

to make the metre right. Just like listening to "Messiah."

Bunghole In the... (432) -- 03.20.2006

GEB:

[T]hen, as in Hold 'Em, I'd wait for "the flop" --

I loved the nod to poker on this one--when one eats without conscience it's always an evacuation gamble, no?

Lame comment! -1 point
Poopgirl (78) -- 06.24.2006


I agree, diarrhea sucks.
Poop on!

-Poopgirl

healthy 1 (1427) -- 10.22.2006

Great poem about the type of poop everyone loves to hate, the good ol' million wiper.

But the saying "you are what you eat" has a ring of truth to it. If a person eats junk, they get junk health and junk bowel movemrnts IE million wipers, but if a person eats well, they get good health and easy sliders (usually).
_______
It's not nice to fool mother nature.

AlienPoop (10) -- 02.21.2007

Well I must say that was one of the BEST poems I heard so far!!! I like that it has a good cadence
and rhymes are good, overall at least a 9 plus!!
and tis true, you are what you eat, sort of, but more than that though, but what you eat is a big part of it. AlienPoop

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