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The Poolitzer Prize: PoopReporter of the
Submitted by daphne
March 4, 2010, 58 Comments

Voting ends Saturday, March 13th, at midnight Pacific Time. Don't forget to vote! The Poolitzer Prize is the most coveted of PoopReport awards. It is given to one PoopReporter, chosen in pure poomocratic form, among candidates nominated in our PoopReport forums. Of those nominated, a few are...

The 2009 Poop Report Of The Year
Submitted by daphne
February 4, 2010, 40 Comments

VOTING ENDS ON WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 17, AT 11:59 PM. DON'T FORGET TO VOTE! This year history repeated itself, as it always does. Human beings ate too much. They forgot to check for toilet paper before downloading the Brown File. They unsuccessfully tried to make it to the next roadside rest,...

That Time Of Year Again: PoopReport Of
Submitted by daphne
January 11, 2012, 8 Comments

Dear fellow Poopers and non-registurds, It's that time of year again. As we stuff the last of the Christmas decorations back into our attics and the recesses of our garages, we take time to reflect on not only the Yule log but all the other logs we made in 2011, and those of others as well. It is...

Poopreport Of The Year Nominations
Submitted by daphne
March 14, 2011, 2 Comments

Hey, Poopers! We are in need of Poopreport of the Year nominations. So far our forum members have nominated two stories: Pop Wouldn't Stop, by veteran Poopreporter G Ras, and The Trucker And The Janitor: A Choose Your Own Adventure Story, by former Poopreport of the Year award winner Gasputin...

Help Biffy.com Come Up With A New Slogan
Submitted by daphne
September 18, 2010, 11 Comments

Marcus from Biffy.com would like our help: We are looking for a new slogan for the American Biffy Company. In the past we have used You'll Love Your Biffy, butt we are rinsing clean and using a new slogan. Please e-mail entries to sales@biffy.com with the subject: Contest entry. Our panel of...

Contest #30: Win A Breezyseat!
Submitted by Dave
July 10, 2009, 63 Comments

This message appeared in my inbox yesterday: Hello Dave, My name is Kristine and I am with Toilet Treater, LLC. We manufacture and sell the Breezyseat. Breezyseat is an automatic deodorizing toilet seat. I would like to offer a Breezyseat to one of your readers to win on your site. You pick...

Revisiting the Journal of Ass Production
Submitted by Dave
April 29, 2009, 21 Comments

The challenge: Prove that the literatti who do cartoon caption contests in The New Yorker have nothing on the shiteratti who frequent this site. The cartoon: Art by Dan Meth. The finalists: "Astrid, how could you possibly need to use the bathroom?" -- SmudgePot "Why didn't you go before we lef...

Revisiting the Journal of Ass Production
Submitted by Dave
April 21, 2009, 158 Comments

Those of you lucky enough to own Volume II of the Journal of Ass Production might remember the cartoon caption contest on the back page That contest was never properly resolved. Let's revisit it now! Art by Dan Meth. CONTEST INTRO (as written in 2006): If you're a hoity-toity New York intellectual...

Poop Contest #29: The Warming Bidet
Submitted by Dave
September 8, 2008, 29 Comments

American Biffy makes bidet attachments. While I've never used a Biffy, I've used similar products: they hook into your toilet's water line, sit between the toilet seat and the bowl, and provide a gentle cleansing spray whenever you're at your worst. The only problem users have had, however, is that...

Contest #28: The Return Of The Glass Eye
Submitted by Dave
June 27, 2008, 15 Comments

Last week, an alarmed Korean War veteran wrote in with an urgent problem: he'd swallowed his glass eye (again!) and wanted to know how he could get it out. He needed our advice. Instead, he got a bunch of limericks. And now it's time to pick the funniest. Your seven nominees are below: LIMERICK...

Contest #28: The Return Of The Glass Eye
Submitted by Dave
June 10, 2008, 88 Comments

Once upon a time, there was a man named Martin. His name alone has the rhyme scheme to make for a good poem about flatulence. But dear, sweet Martin has generously donated far more material to PoopReport's pooets: Martin has a glass eye. Which he swallowed. Accidentally. And now he's worried his...

Contest #26: Limericks About Shoff | Vot
Submitted by Dave
March 23, 2008, 73 Comments

It was way back in December when Iowa's Bob Shoff fell into his septic tank, and it was way back in January when PoopReporters took to immortalizing his plight in verse. For pooems as great as these, we wanted to move beyond standard PoopReport contest protocol by enlisting some celebrity judges....

Contest #27: A Caption For Skatole: Vote
Submitted by Dave
March 6, 2008, 33 Comments

(What is this contest? What is this molecule? Find out here.) I've narrowed it down to ten finalists. Of these, I will probably make t-shirts out of the top three favorites. The top vote getter will receive the first PoopReport skatole t-shirt ever to be produced! Your finalists: From Prarie...

Contest #27: A Caption For Skatole
Submitted by Dave
February 28, 2008, 76 Comments

Voting has finished. See the winner here! Skatole is a mildly toxic white crystalline organic compound with chemical formula C9H9N, Wikipedia says. "It occurs naturally in feces (it is produced from tryptophan in the mammalian digestive tract), beets, and coal tar, and has a strong fecal odor."...

Contest #26: Limericks About Shoff
Submitted by Logjam
January 4, 2008, 125 Comments

On Christmas Eve, the Shoff household of Des Moines got backed up. So Robert headed outside to inspect the septic system. When he didn't return, wife Toni looked out the window. What she saw was Robert's legs sticking up out of the ground, kicking. Somehow, Robert had managed to tumble head first...

Contest #25: The Poop Is Loose
Submitted by Dave
May 2, 2007, 20 Comments

The poop is loose. That's what they tell me: Poop Culture is now on shelves in stores across the country, including many Barnes & Nobles as well as major independents like Powell's, Atomic Books, Quimby's, the Tattered Cover, and more. But I want proof. So the first three people to send me a...

Contest #24: Headlines About Books And P
Submitted by Dave
April 10, 2007, 25 Comments

With the imminent release of my book, it's time for the advertising to kick into high gear. Perhaps you've seen the banner ads I've started running at the tops and bottoms of pages on the site. Kinda funny? Maybe. Think you can do better? I do. I need your help coming up with funny poop-related...

Contest #23: Six Word Story Contest | fi
Submitted by Dave
November 7, 2006, 20 Comments

The model for PoopReport's six word story contest was what Ernest Hemingway claimed to have been his greatest work: "For sale: baby shoes, never worn." The beauty of his story is that brevity speaks a novel more: of a mother's suffering, of her tragic disappointment, of finally moving on with life...

Contest #23: Six Word Poop Stories
Submitted by Dave
October 26, 2006, 284 Comments

The Internet is suddenly abuzz with six word short stories. Wired Magazine kicked off the trend, noting that Hemingway called the six-word story he wrote his best work: "For sale: baby shoes, never worn." Wired asked a bunch of sci-fi authors to follow suit, resulting in some interesting work:...

Contest #23: Predict The Ironic Death of
Submitted by Dave
September 21, 2006, 25 Comments

In the wake of the unfortunate and poetic passing of the Crocodile Hunter, I began to have terrifying visions of my own ironic death -- visions brought to life as PoopReporters fed my phobia by inventing exceedingly gruesome methods for me to flush out to that great sewage treatment plant in the...

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