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 Behind BarsPosted 01.23.2006 by Pill Pooper (451)
When you think to yourself, "It will never happen to me," it usually does. You go over the same situation in your head a thousand times -- what to say, what to do, which palms to grease. But inevitably it happens, and it happens to you and a good friend.
I'm a pretty low key guy most of the time. It really takes something special for me to go Neanderthal on someone. Now, let me clarify this first: I have spent a few nights in lock-up. Nothing ever too serious -- usually it was a drunken night at the bar that got out of hand, or maybe a few bitter words towards a police officer standing on the corner. Never has it gotten to the point that I had to spend more then an overnighter in the local jail. Never -- until a few weeks ago. First let's set the stage. It was a normal Friday night. I was playing hockey in my local league just like I do every Friday night of the year. My team is pretty damn good, if I must say so myself. We're a good bunch of guys. No one is real chippy or dirty. We do get into some fights here and there, but never anything too crazy. We were playing some new team we had never played before. The game started off just as normal, and with about ten minutes left in the second period we were leading 4-1. There was one kid on their team -- we'll call him J.O. -- who was looking to create some problems from the first drop of the puck. So, to make a long story short, he took a shot at my good buddy and got tossed from the game. As he was leaving the rink he continued to run his mouth. I was on the bench for a shift change and told him to shut his mouth. And then all hell broke lose. He took one look at me wearing my glasses and I guess he thought he had an easy win. Big mistake. "You got a fucken problem, asshole? I'll kill you." "You're a pussy. Pack your shit and get off the rink, asshat." "Oh yeah? You want some of this?" And with that he came skating over to my bench (this is indoor roller hockey) and took a big swing at me. I guess seeing glasses on someone gives you the false impression that they can't fight. Just as he took his first swing, I was landing the biggest left I have ever thrown. Gotta love being a southpaw. With that left, he crumpled to the ground. I jumped on top (full mount, for all you UFC fans) and proceeded to beat this kid unconscious. After about a full minute of me beating on this kid's face and ribs, someone from another team tackled me and pulled me off. After all was said and done, J.O. suffered a broken jaw, a broken nose, broken ribs (I threw a couple of knees), a cracked orbital bone, and a concussion. I can honestly say I have never beaten someone as badly as I beat this kid. In hindsight I really should have called it quits after the first big left. But, as many of you know, you see RED when someone attacks you. EMS was called and J.O. was taken away on a stretcher. I began to take off my pads, since you are automically ejected from the game if you decide to drop the gloves. The game continued. Ten minutes later, two police officers arrived and took me into custody. I was arrested for aggravated assault and disorderly conduct. With my skates still on, I was cuffed and thrown in the back of a police car. I rolled into the police station, skates and all, and was booked. Turns out J.O.'s dad was a local police officer -- and I guess officers don't take to kindly to their children getting their asses kicked. I was put into a cell and that was that. Since it was late at night and a Friday, there was no way for bail to be set. Thus, I would have to sit in jail until at least Monday morning. The only good thing I can say about this jail was that since it's the winter, it was relatively empty. A few drunks came in, sobered up, and were then let go. No real criminals (such as myself) were put into the cell with me. It was about 10:00 AM on Sunday morning when I realized that I'd have to take a shit in this cell. The jail had about five or six different cells, each with its own shitter and a sink. The shitter was in plain view of everybody coming in and out of the cell as well as the guards. I hadn't shit since Thursday evening, and the pain was really intense -- and the pain, coupled with the nervousness of being in jail, made for a mess in my colon. It felt as if all the guards had been pounding their nightsticks on my stomach to force the shit out. I yelled for one of the guards and explained my plight. "Hey, I can't shit in here and I have to go. Let me use a regular bathroom, please! I'm not a real criminal." "Shut the fuck up and use the same can all you dirtbags use. Don't bother me again." "But I'm a Shameful Shitter!" "I don't care if you're the fucken Pope. Shut up and sit back down." Damn police! Did they not know whom they were dealing with here? Have they never read PoopReport? Don't they know what happens when you cage a Shameful Shitter? It's like cornering a raccoon! Only bad things can happen. The minutes ticked by like days. Every second felt like an eternity. I tried to sleep. I laid down on the bench and started to drift off. Just as I began to dream about large breasted women and really fast cars, the guard came by and clanged his nightstick on the bars of the cell. "Wake up, asshole. If I can't sleep, neither can you." "You're a fucken douchebag. I hope you die on your ride home." "Are you making a threat towards me? I think you were. You want to spend another few months in here, scumbag?" I shut my mouth and sat back down on the bench. Getting mouthy with cops wasn't going to get me any closer to a bathroom. I leaned back and prayed for a car to drive right through the cell wall so I could go and shit somewhere. The pain got to be so intense I laid down on the floor of the cell in the fetal position. "Look at this dirtbag. He can't shit on the jail shitter like the rest of the trash. What's wrong, asshole, your virgin ass too good for a jail shitter? Wait ‘til you see who we got coming in here soon. He'll rip that butthole open so fast, you won't even have to wipe anymore." At this point I began to hallucinate. The cell walls began to look like the inside of a toilet. My hands were giant turds. I felt like I was floating in the bowl. All I could hear were the cops laughing in the distance. It was then I realized what it was I had to do. I ripped off my shirt and wet it thoroughly in the sink. I used it to clean this horrific-looking toilet as best I could. I was about to do the unthinkable: take a shit on a jailhouse toilet. I cleaned it as best as possible. The guards sat and watched, taunting me the entire time. After I got done cleaning, I lowered my pants to expose my pasty white legs and sat down upon my now clean toilet. I closed my eyes and tried to picture the Ferguson in my parents' house. "Happy thoughts, happy thoughts," I said to myself. Through all of this, the guards were absolutely screaming at me. Every raucous thing they could think of, they were screaming. They even brought in a female officer to embarrass me further. She leaned over, saw what was going on, and decided to save me even more embarrassment. And so there I sat for probably the longest five minutes of my life. I'd like to say that I did shit upon that toilet. I'd also like to say I reached in the toilet and flung a mighty grogan at those asshat offices. But if I did, I'd be lying. I was SO scared and embarrassed; I couldn't drop so much as a grain of salt. I stood straight up, pulled up my pants, and sat back down on the jail cell floor. The officers began to heckle me about the smell and so forth -- I guess they didn't realize I hadn't done anything but sit naked on the toilet. I could hear them laughing and regaling all the other officers for the next half hour until I finally fell asleep. A few hours later, another criminal was led into my cell. He was a rather large man, probably crossing the 300-pound mark, and he was pretty fucken scary-looking, too. I didn't so much as flinch when he sat down six inches from me. "I heard you like to beat people up, tough guy. You want some of me??" I didn't say a word, nor did I even look at him. I sat on the floor, eyes closed. "I'm talking to you, asshole. How about I go take a big shit in that nice clean toilet of yours over there? I bet that would make you happy. At least I got the balls to do it, unlike you. You're just another fucken pussy." It was at that point when my mind switched from low-key-easy-going Pill Pooper to kill-‘em-all-and-let-God-sort-‘em-out Pill Pooper. "If you even go near that toilet, so help me God, I'll end your life right here. I don't care how big you think you are. You'll die right here in this jail cell." "Oh, so now you talk. I'll tell you what. I'm gonna go and take a shit. We'll talk in a few minutes." And with that he walked over to the toilet. He began to unbuckle his pants. I jumped up to my feet and just as he dropped his pants to the floor, I kicked him in the dick as hard as I possibly could. "I told you not to take a shit, mother fucker! What did I tell you! I've been in this fucken cell for three goddamn days and I'll be damned if you're gonna shit on MY clean toilet!!" He grabbed his junk and slumped to the floor, whimpering in pain. The guards, hearing all the commotion, popped the cell and ran in. All they saw was me, glasses and all, standing over this monster and screaming about not shitting on my toilet. They grabbed me and tossed me in another cell. The entire time they were cuffing me and throwing me around I was screaming about my clean toilet and my Shameful Shitting. The following morning I was arraigned and bail set at $2000. My friend came by and bailed me out. He took me straight home where I proceeded to totally and utterly violate my toilet. It never felt so good to sit on my own can. My trial date is set for January 30th. So far, my lawyer is saying I'm looking at roughly $2000 in fines plus court fees and his fees. In total, I'll be lucky to get out the door under $3000. All this for beating a kid up. Take it from me, fellow PoopReporters, never punch someone in the face when you have to take a shit. Post new comment
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