Beware Girls Bearing Gifts

// // 43 Comments
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
0
0

A recent reference to laxative use elsewhere on the site triggered a grade school trip down Memory Lane. I was in the fourth grade at the time, and there was this particular girl -- whom I'll call Dotty because she was often just that: dotty -- who had a crush on me. I ignored her all the time, and she didn't like it one bit. (For the record, it wasn't because I am same-sex oriented, either. She had a very obnoxious personality, and though she wasn't unattractive physically, she wasn't particularly popular with anyone else.) So enter the old adage: "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." Dotty began plotting her revenge, and I barely escaped her wrath.

One morning during homeroom, about fifteen minutes before class started, she came up to me and said she had a treat she wanted to share. It's a universal truth that little boys love chocolate in almost any form, and I was no exception. Dotty held out her hand and said she had brought me some candy -- she said it was a piece of chocolate -- and that it was really delicious, and she hoped I liked it. This seemed like a reasonable proposition to me at first because I knew she was sweet on me. I still had no intention of returning her ardor, but I didn't see any harm in having a piece of candy at her expense, even if I'd recently left home with a good breakfast under my belt.

I accepted her offering, all wrapped up in foil.

I'd never had any experience with laxatives at that point in my life, even though I knew they existed. I'd heard my grandfather mention them once when I was visiting him. He informed me that he'd had to take a dose or something or other so he could go sit on the pot. That's all I knew. So with all innocence I began chewing the piece of chocolate, and although it wasn't the tastiest thing I'd ever sampled, I didn't spit it out.

Dotty, however, couldn't hold back her delight that I had fallen for her nasty little trick. She made the mistake of spilling the beans before my body could commit to doing the same down the line. I will never forget the wicked gleam in her eye as she exclaimed: "Haha! You just put a laxative in your mouth -- that's Ex-Lax!"

Why she didn't wait until I'd swallowed most of it, I don't know. (Unless, subconsciously, she really did like me so much that she didn't want to see any chance at a friendship with me go splat.) Panicked, I rushed over to the trashcan, spit out most of the liquid, and then asked the teacher if I could go to the boys' room. She granted me permission, and I hurried off to the crapper, where I continued to rinse out my mouth at the sink as if I'd swilled battery acid. I knew that I had swallowed a little of the chocolaty mixture, but I hoped that it hadn't been enough to exile me to a morning of moan and groans.

I took my time in the bathroom, waiting around to see if anything was going to happen. Every time I heard something gurgling in my gut, there was a spurt of adrenalin in the middle of my chest. "Oh, no!" I thought. "Is this the way it starts?" I was torn between having to get back to class, which was going to start soon, and making sure that what laxative I'd swallowed wasn't going to hit me right in the middle of our discussion of the exports of Tierra Del Fuego. (I loved geography, and that was our first period subject.)

Fortunately for me, Dotty had warned me in the nick of time; the most I had to endure was a mild fart or two. Gathering up my courage, I returned to class, walking rather gingerly. I monitored every sound my body produced over the next hour or so. Throughout the morning I remained paranoid about what might still happen -- you haven't experienced paranoia until you've had to sweat out an inadvertent dose of laxative. But by lunchtime, I considered that I was home free. No brown rain in my forecast that day.

My take is that this was truly a matter of seconds. Had Dotty waited any longer and allowed me to swallow any more of what I had in my mouth, I likely would have spent most of first period not raising my IQ in class but rather raising the temperature of the porcelain upon which I would have been perched.

Dotty and I remained distant throughout the rest of middle school, junior high, and high school. But she made it clear on several occasions that she still liked me, and in the eleventh grade even asked me out on a date, which I turned down. But at least she wasn't trying to sabotage my bowels any longer. This was both the romance and the ass explosion that was never to be.

43 Comments on "Beware Girls Bearing Gifts"

PINWORM's picture
l 100+ points
0
0

Your story reminded me of a little ex-lax terrorism I myself once witnessed.

I used to work at a university, in the Parking And Security department. Someone was stealing lunches from the break room fridge, and people were getting mighty annoyed. A few of them got together and decided to "flush out" the perp by putting something really enticing in the fridge, spiked with a huge dose of Ex-Lax.

Sure enough, that afternoon one of the parking enforcement guys, a real dick whom nobody liked, started sprinting for the can every 5 minutes and eventually had to go home for the day.

The lunches stopped disappearing.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
0
0

Could Ex-lax terrorism be considered in the same category with the horrible upper decker? I have noticed an awful lot of it over the years and it seems like a dispicable thing to do to a person.

The first instance I ever heard was in fifth grade, while my sister was in high school. She said that this one kid at her band was a real arrogant shitass and one day another band nerd decided to prove it true. He poured liquid Ex-lax in Mr. Arrogant's mocha latte. The reaction was not what everyone expected.

Apparently, this kid was allergic to Ex-lax and he not only began uncontrollably shitting himself, he puked all over the band room. His spastic convulsions became so bad that he had to go home and then to the hospital. The kid was laid up for over a week.

Be careful with those Ex-lax pranks. They are not always funny.

_______
If a man farts and no one's around, does he make a sound?

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Anomalous Coward's picture
k 500+ points
0
0

We (the guys) had to take half a year of Home Ec in high school, while the girls got a half year of shop. A couple of numbnuts in Home Ec decided to make brownies for the shop teacher. This guy was one of the old school types. Ex-military, crew cut, took no shit from anybody, spoke loudly and kicked your ass if you didn't jump. Apparently some of the guys figured they'd make him pay for being strict, so they put chopped onions, walnut shells and ex-lax in the brownies.
I've often wondered about the onions. It was a dead giveaway as to the fact that the brownies were loaded. To say the least, the old boy was pissed. The whole contingent of male students in our class got what for because of this. The screwoffs that did it had told everyone what they were doing. They were told that if he had eaten any of the brownies and had been in anyway harmed, they could be charged with battery.
I saw one of them a few days back, and he reminded me of this episode. He still thought it was funny. I asked him what he would have done if it killed the shop teacher. He said, "Have a party, man!" Some people never grow up. I agree with TSV, its not always funny.

Rectal Badger's picture
l 100+ points
0
0

The Shit Volcano is correct. Technically, even just putting Ex-Lax into something to give to someone is poison.

Her story is a prime example of why poisoning pranks are just too dangerous; you never know what the person's body is ultra-sensitive to. I'd want to die if I'd given someone Ex-Lax as a prank and they ended up dying from an allergic reaction or something similar.

The Big Wiper's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
0
0

Anomalous: at least things had loosened up a bit by the time you were in high school. Both genders got a taste of both courses. When I was in high school, boys had to take shop and girls had to take home ec, with no exceptions.

I hated shop, especially soldering, using the jigsaw and the plane. Our teacher had a missing finger. Doesn't exactly inspire confidence in his instruction, does it?

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Anomalous Coward's picture
k 500+ points
0
0

Shop teacher with missing finger and Home Ec class preparing finger foods...I'm scared.

We had to make all manner of useless crap in shop. Dad had quit smoking and I brought him home an ashtray. Go figure. At least in Home Ec they taught me how to open a can of beans so I don't need to worry about starving to death if my wife isn't home.

healthy 1's picture
j 1000+ points
0
0

This story would make a great movie "Fartal Attraction".

I also agree with TSV, what happened to you was an indirect form of poisoning.

Thank goodness that this girl didn't have a very good poker face, and gave her rouse away.
_______
A man who farts in church, sits in his own pew.

"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

runninggrrl2's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points
0
0

Aw, man, I was hoping you ate the whole thing! :) Just kidding...good call on spitting it out. I had a friend who did an ExLax "poisoning" of some brownies for an ex-boyfriend of hers. "Ex Lax for the ex-boyfriend", she said. Apparently he cheated on her, so she bought ExLax chocolates (prior to this incident, I didn't even know those existed. I thought it was a very cruel product to come up with...lots of very naughty potential) and made a batch of brownies and chopped up the entire box of ExLax and put it in there. Well, she didn't plan on him eating half the brownies all at once. He actually had to go to the ER to get fluids because he was crapping so much he became severely dehydrated. So yeah, not always a funny prank. Way too risky for my tastes.


_______
An apple a day keeps the ExLax away!

An apple a day keeps the ExLax away!

KakMeister's picture
0
0

Putting Ex-lax into something is like putting battery acid in coffee. Apologies for being harsh, but I know someone who had a major anaphylactic reaction to a chocolate laxative... It can happen, dude.

rogerb's picture
0
0

Playing with your colon or somebody elses is courting disaster. It can have long range effects later in life. Some who play with laxatives just for the enjoyment of pooping themselves can be doing great damage to their, um, machinery. Eat right and enjoy the sensation of a nice poop when it happens. Revenge? Um, it can turn against you...

Chuck's picture
l 100+ points
0
0

Ex-Lax sabotage, Visine in mixed drinks: two pranks that are not cool.

Boomerang's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
0
0

Visine doesn't cause laxtive effect when taken orally. It will mess you up, make you sick, POISION you, but no laxative effect.
http://www.snopes.com/medical/myths/visine.asp


_______
Thankyou for your letter, you stupid, Adelaide, tart,

Graham Kennedy

Shitler - Poop Nazi. I also have a joke about him hating Pews (that's Jews + Poo) but maybe that's a little offensive...

Boomerang's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
0
0

By the way, good story Wiper. Havn't seen a new story from you since I created my account.


_______
Thankyou for your letter, you stupid, Adelaide, tart,

Graham Kennedy

Shitler - Poop Nazi. I also have a joke about him hating Pews (that's Jews + Poo) but maybe that's a little offensive...

Nine Inch Log's picture
k 500+ points
0
0

Although I have been tempted, I have never performed an Ex-Lax prank. Now, I'm really glad that I had some foresight and willpower when I was younger. I had no idea that people could get sick or die due to that. In all the movies it just makes people poop a lot and it's funny.

_______
Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.

Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.

The Big Wiper's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
0
0

In movies like "American Pie," archived in the Movie Poop Scene Database, laxative terrorism, if you will, is played strictly for laughs when Stifler spikes 'Shitbreak's'drink, and then he ends up trotting to the nearest crapper. Only in his confusion, he zips into the girls' room where he becomes trapped. When I saw this film, I kept wondering what all the fuss was about.

But that's Hollywood--a culture that frequently shrugs at the consequences of portraying whatever behaviors they want to for a buck.

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

ATM MAN's picture
0
0

Reminds me of the time when my brother and the neighbor kid found a "dusty old candy bar" in the medicine cabinet. They ate the whole "candy bar" not knowing it was my mother's Ex-Lax. Needless to say hilarity ensued.....those 2 spent the rest of the day on the throne. Lame but it happened.

Lincoln's Log's picture
0
0

I can't condone giving somebody a drug when you don't know what it will do to them.I can only justify non violent turd terrorism.Take a crap in someone's hat or purse.The worst thing is a messy clean up.

Bowl Clogger Blogger's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
0
0

Sorry to be so ...er...anal about this, but the actual quote is:
"Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, nor hell a fury like a woman scorned."
I apologize if I appear a bit fussy, but this is one of my pet peeves. Another is when someone says, "That begs the question..." when they should be saying, "That raises the question..."
It should come as no surprise that I find this web site fascinating.
Sorry for the interruption. Carry on with the discussion.

_______
There's a certain air about me....

Jake's picture
0
0

Per Shit Volcano's comment: What effect does the Upper-Decker actually have? So what, there's a log in the tank? It's in water. Yes, shit stinks when it's out-of-water, but it'll only smell for the instant between the tank draining when flushed and refilling, AND the lid is on. Better, in my opinion, to add a surfactant (fill the toilet with foamy bubbles) or a lot of food coloring (black flush, anyone?) How about a few snapped glowsticks, cut open, so the water glows?

Once, years ago, a friend and I bought a packet of the "fart powder" sold in joke shops. We poured the entire tiny packet in his mom's tea - it didn't tell us how much to use. Soon, she was in the bathroom with diarrhea.

shitwit's picture
k 500+ points
0
0

While working in a grocery store, I was the Health and Beauty Care Manager (HBC, for short). Some of the guys in the butcher shop were pissed off with our drug addicted meat wrapper who had just gotten out of prison (again), and wanted to exact revenge on her. So one of them asked me what citrate of magnesia would do. We had bottles of the stuff that was "lemon lime flavored". This girl liked sprite and drank lots of it. So the guys tried to take some and put it in her drink. I got wise to this and took it off the shelf and gave it to our pharmacist (who I also informed of the impending prank). The pharmacist agreed to keep it behind her counter in case a customer wanted it. I told the store manager about it also, so he'd be aware of anything going down (literally). As it turns out, my very next day off those fuckers managed to steal a bottle from the pharmacy (this was caught on tape), pour it into her sprite, cause her to have horrendous gas pains (so bad she left work in an ambulance), and THEN deny the whole thing. Obviously, they got fired for it. The company got them on "shoplifting", the pharmacist wanted them to press charges for poisoning, but ulitmately they just let them go for shoplifting. A few weeks later the victim got sent back to the pen for "dirty urine" and she got fired too. As tempting as it may be to give someone a little laxative, it is very risky business, and is considered poisoning in many states. Try it on yourself if your really considering doing it to another person.


_______
Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

SamDamnit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
0
0

I think I'll stick with garlic gum, for my pranks.
_______
Sir SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan
Join The Poop Reporter's Lounge

SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points
0
0

Visine can cause the runs if the person's blood pressure shoots up because of the heart trouble. I think this is how it affects the digestive system.

You know, Wiper, I can't believe this girl had the onions to still ask you out after that little stunt. Even if she was young and you were also young when it happened, that would be one of those "I remember this person" moments.

Incidentally, I always thought you were cute. It must have been those dimples.....


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

The Big Wiper's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
0
0

More about Dotty, daph. In the eleventh grade when she was still pursuing me and I wouldn't have anything to do with her, she decided to try and slash me verbally. We'd just finished a classroom show and tell where we had to bring pictures of ourselves when we were in elementary school or even younger. (No diapers, of course.)

Dotty came up to me and said (after seeing my picture): "Oh, you were so cute when you were little. What happened?"

I thought on my feet and said: "Well, at least I was cute *once*."

That shut her up for good.

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points
0
0

Unrequited love, Hell hath no fury, and sour grapes. Dotty was the trifecta?

I am glad that you didn't find any pets boiling on your stove......


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Fudgepump's picture
l 100+ points
0
0

I'm reminded of my junior high shop teacher, Mr. Bramble: hadn't thought about him for over 30 years. Short, tough, wire-rim glasses, buzzcut and, yes, the missing finger. There's nothing quite like a missing digit to drive home the importance of safe shop practices. As for the consequences of an upper-decker, Jake: without any stench to clue you to the interloper's presence, the turd quietly sits in the tank like a sleeper cell. Gradually turning to mush; contaminating the normally clean-water environment of the tank, coating the flush/refill hardware, and leaching into the porous inner surface of the tank. The horror...the horror...

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points
0
0

This is too much! Our shop teacher in seventh and eighth grade was Mr. Gibson, and he was one of the nicest guys I've ever known.

And he was missing a finger, too. Shop accident. I shit you not.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
0
0

I never took shop. The school staff was afraid to let me near sharp objects.

_______
If a man farts and no one's around, does he make a sound?

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Anomalous Coward's picture
k 500+ points
0
0

I wonder...is there a fingerless fraternity of former shop teachers? When these guys give you the finger, they go all out.

Queen of Sharts's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
0
0

I'm a girl, and I took metal and woodshop, too-- didn't request to take it, but I ended up in those classes nevertheless. What's with those shop teachers? I remember mine was so short tempered that whenever he got mad his face would look like a Ball Park frank in the microwave.


_______
Don't be playin' with the Queen of Sharts

Don't be playin' with the Queen of Sharts

some stupid fourteen year old.'s picture
0
0

I agree with shitwit's advice; do unto others as you'd do yourself. Police personnel have to be tazed in training so that they understand what they're doing to other people - or, here they do. Personally, being pranked with laxatives sounds utterly horrific to me, so I'd never do it to another person regardless of how much I disliked them. A tad too risky, too, as I've realized thanks to this site.

Irrelevantly, being tazed doesn't really sound so nice, either.

Poopy-Dooby-Poo's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
0
0

Your nicer than my old man. If some chick had tried to poison him with laxatives in public I am certain revenge would have been great. Like taking her up on that date, getting her naked, then giving her a Dirty Sanchez since she thinks your crap is so funny! ;) Oy maybe even a Cleveland Steamer ....
**********************************************
Mamma always said life is like a box of laxatives. You never know what your gonna shit...

**********************************************
Mamma always said life is like a box of laxatives. You never know what your gonna shit...

shitwit's picture
k 500+ points
0
0

Cleveland Steamer.... Dirty Sanchez.... I haven't heard Opie and Anthony in years! They used to talk about those all the time. Nasty! But very funny, ofcourse.


_______
Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

La Petomaine's picture
l 100+ points
0
0

Luckily for my detractors, my psycho scorned woman behavior in high school mostly consisted of driving by their house numerous times or calling repeatedly and hanging up. I never dreamed of pulling the laxative routine! Dotty must have had some shitty relationships in her time since!

_______
Have a crappy day!
La Petomaine

Have a crappy day!
La Petomaine

A. Holeton's picture
0
0

The resulting rectal ram rod should have been refered to as 'girl gravy'....a fartastic story .Did you end up with 'boff breath' ?

poopygirl's picture
0
0

After reading everything, I need to go poop, thank God and sunny Jesus. I'm sure it will be exhilarating, and I'll have more fun stuff to contribute later. I'm so glad that there's people like me in the world. Everyone should talk about poop. Poop. Poop. Poop.

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points
0
0

A whoopie cushion makes a much funnier prank. My cousin drank some punch laced with LSD at a fraternity party in 1977 and has been in a mental institution ever since.

(And no comments about them locking up the wrong member of the family, please!)

The Big Wiper's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
0
0

Of course, there's no way a school kid wouldn't see a whoopie cushion in his homeroom seat. No, Dotty went for the jugular but lost her nerve at the last minute.

Weird followup note to this story: I just learned last week that Dotty had died. Don't know the circumstances, but a friend of mine sent me her obit since she knew that Dotty and I had been classmates.

In the obit it was specifically mentioned that she was a 'rebel' all her life and marched to a different drummer. No kidding.

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

AlienPoop's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
0
0

Well, Very interesting story, But I would Agree that Intentionally sneaking ANYTHING into ones food or drink that is in some way harmful is Not a funny thing or prank at all, it's poisoning, and like those others have said, it can backfire, and maybe in some ways it did... call it ... karmic justice??

Anonymous Coward's picture
0
0

!!!!!?!?!!? That is legitamate poisoning!ITS STUPID TO TRY IT IF YOU DONT KNOW WHATS GONNA HAPPEN!

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points
0
0

We just got another ex-lax poisoning story on the site today. For the life of me, I can't see why people would be so irresponsible.

I always worry about somebody putting something into Little Dumpster's food as a school "prank" or something.

Meanwhile, Daphne, what am I supposed to do with these brownies you sent me?

DRIP_DOWN_YO_LEG's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
0
0

what a terrible thing to do to a young lad like yourself hope u got back at her really good
_______
i have met many people that talk like asses but i have not met many asses that talk like people

i have met many people that talk like asses but i have not met many asses that talk like people

TurdBurner's picture
0
0

If you want to mess with someones food, put a couple of those biodegradable styrofoam peanuts in someone's coffee when they aren't looking. (they are harmless, made of cornstarch) They melt and look like birdshit in the coffee. I used to do this to a nasty lady I worked with all the time. the look in her face when she saw it was priceless every time.

Thomas Crapper/Pepto-Bismo's picture
0
0

Actually, about the cornstarch packing peanuts...Quite taste, considering it's just packaging. [ Darn PSP. Never try to post with a phat. Names stay until I can register with my desktop.]