KOC at KFC

Posted 01.20.2006 by KeepOnCrappin (551)

A few days ago my fellow PoopReporters asked me to go to KFC and sample the fare -- to follow in the footsteps of other great PoopReporters, and to embarrass myself in front of a website of people. I did.

I do like spicy food. It has been that way with me since birth. I get the spiciest stuff possible. I know it is spicy when my nose is running like a toilet with a busted ballcock and my tongue is complaining like The Dumpster for this report. I also like to eat. A lot. As some of you know, I go to Cici's Pizza and run the place out of business. I can probably hold a gallon of food in my stomach, which is probably why I'm so fat.

Keeping in mind those guidelines, I placed my order. I got the four-piece spicy wing combo, the spicy strips, and a family meal. (It came to about thirty dollars -- can we get reimbursed for PoopReporting?) (Editor's note: *snort*) Eating all that food was moderately difficult, but I had to challenge myself and eat enough to get results that I could post on the site later that day.

My eyes were watering. My nose was running. My intestines were bloating. It reminded me of O. Henry's poem about the homeless schmoe who ate a huge Thanksgiving dinner and then had to eat another one.

I got home with some difficulty. The next day I went to the US Naval Academy for some scout jamboree. (Not the one this summer where people died.) I was walking into some building when the urge to shit hit me. I went to the restroom.

And I came right back out. The place was a literal piece of shit. There were two stalls -- one was busted, and the other had shit all over the seat and in the bowl; the flusher was broken. I had expected more from midshipmen.

I forced the load back in. The bloating hurt, but I would just have to wait. I went home.

I shouldn't say that, because I didn't go directly home -- oh, no. I sat in Washington DC traffic for five hours. The Woodrow Wilson Bridge was the worst part. The sun was baking my face on one side and I was shriveling up the other as I grunted and strained to keep the poop in my ass. It hurt. I had gone to hell and back and I WAS worse for the wear.

Finally I got home. I no longer had to poop. I think I had grunted and strained in the car so hard that it just went back in.

So I began to dutifully read PoopReport. Then I felt my stomach begin to balloon out again. It was going to be gassy and it was going to be bad. It was also going to hurt.

Then the fart came out. It was LOUD. And it STUNK. And others continued to come out. The room smelled terrible -- it would have permanently put any biological weapon to shame. I knew I had to get to my crapper in the basement -- and I was on the second floor. I had a poop E.T.A. of fifteen seconds and thirty-second trip time to my salvation.

I ran. I sprinted. I ran in slow motion. "No-- oo-- oooooooooo!" Dramatic music played in the background. I was descending the stairs to the basement. I thought I might have made it. Then a very hot and very smelly fart blew out of my ass. I thought I had sharted my pants.

I sat down on the crapper and examined my boxers. There was a small spot of liquid crap on them.

Then a load of Liqui-shit™ came out. This stuff burned like gasoline in an oxygen-rich environment. It was hot. It was smelly. It was REALLY gas-filled. It *explodicated*.

Then the tsunami of shit ended. "Praise the Lord," says I, stupidly thinking it was over. It's KFC, for God's sake! How could it be over?

"Exhibit B," says the tour guide. "After the Havana Omelet we have the Shit Rock."

Finally, some solid shit. Famous last words. It started out innocently enough -- a small, half-inch piece of poo.

Then it got bigger.

My asshole is about .75 inches in diameter. It can dilate to about one inch. That is when it began hurting -- when the turd reached one-inch in diameter. I kept pushing, hoping to force it out fast. But no, it took its own sweet time, getting larger every second. When I reached one-and-a-half inches, I began to cry out. It began with "Oh, ahh, ahhhr, ahhrgg ARRGHH" and progressed up to "OH HOLY MOTHER OF SHIT [sobs] OH GOD THIS HURTS LIKE A BITCH AHHHH" when it reached the three inch mark. Crying and "oh, fuck" were accompanied by some other expletives I didn't know I knew, unprintable even on PoopReport.

Then it got really bad. (Oh, you thought that was bad?). It got stuck. The entire three-pound, three-inch mass of fat and chicken and more fat was stuck in the worst possible place -- half-in and half-out of my sphincter. And it was HOT. It was burning hot. You know how hot it is when you let off some beer-induced diarrhea -- it was that hot. The pain doubled, tripled, and possibly even quadrupled at that moment. I grunted and strained with all that pain for five minutes before it finally came out.

I waited to be sure that was it indeed all out. Then I waited some more to get over the shock.

Then I got out my plastic ruler. The super turd (unfortunately broken in half) measured 11.75 inches long and 3.95 inches in diameter.

Conclusion: KFC is not a good place to eat at.

Suggested Courses of Action: Place KFC on your list of places not to eat at.

I deserve something for this fine piece of Poop Reporting. (Hint hint -- Poolitzer Prize maybe, or PR'er of the year?) (Editor's note: *snort*)

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Lame comment!

Craptasic 4 (not verified) -- 01.20.2006

this place is starting to lose its appeal.

The whole point of this site is people that did something stupid food wise, or didn't expect to take the worst crap of there life at the worst possible moment, but lately it seems, besides people submitting alot of fake poop reports, there is this new trend of stories with a sick twist of sexual overtone.

this story is about a fat guy eating like a pig in the hopes of making a really gross crap and seaming to get extra satifaction from it. the details of these story has changed from its roots. We went from decribing the scene of horror and the after math to describing the act of the poo and description of the said grogan to great detail. do i care how many corns are in your shit sure thats fine, but writing that the act of making the shit gave you a chubby or eating for sake of being fat to force a poopreport is just gross. I think we are getting to that point were the next set of stories are going to include some sick german shizda content.

To the submitter please remember our roots, Ryan's Steakhouse, a classic poop report.

Cracktacular (228) -- 01.20.2006

Amazing... this is one of the few reports I've read that describes reverse shit tectonics. Usually the pork cork comes before the magma. Way to crap on the conventional wisdom, KOC.

CC (not verified) -- 01.20.2006

This was a great piece of Poop Reporting.You really put your ass on the line for us.You deserve a Poople Heart.Informed Poop Report readers now know that Pizza Hut and and KFC are owned by The Poop Devil.We could do a video version of you making your mad dash.The background musuc would be the classic song Thirty Seconds to the Bathroom by Ken E.Makeit.

The Big Wiper (2245) -- 01.20.2006

I think Craptastic 4 may have a point here, but it needs to be modified. I agree that we don't want to get into Planned Poo-renthood to the extent that nothing ever occurs naturally.

But to take one for the site isn't entirely ignoble. Dave-O often asks those of us who have been around awhile to take on an assignment, and sometimes the research is of an intellectual rather than physiological nature. But it seems to me that there is room for both approaches within reason.

Also, there is an ongoing discussion right now over on the Forums about lining up volunteers to do a report on results from people eating the same diet simultaneously--though obviously separated by distance. This experiment was tried successfully before by Dave-O and AB2K with extremely interesting results. Those interested should visit the Forums and check out this project. Some of you newer posters should consider it.

I do have a few nuggets of wisdom for KOC, though. All of us who contribute to PR do so as a labor of love, not for the monetary reward or reimbursement. Heh. As for the PR'er Of The Year Award--please note that 'Year' is the operative word there. It takes more than one grunt or plop to earn that one. (TBW's note: "Snort!")

Nonetheless, kudos to KOC at KFC!

Anonymous Coward (not verified) -- 01.20.2006

I'd like to know what ruler measures .95 of an inch.

SamDamnit (1192) -- 01.20.2006

THis was a great story. The descriptions were detailed. I felt your pain, as I read it. Thank you.

SamDamnit!
Rectum Rector
of
The Church of Poop
http://www.myspace.com/saintcarnivean

AssBlaster2000 (1116) -- 01.20.2006

I don't see how this story has *any* sexual overtones, or any of any type of gratification besides a good shit. If it had, this story probably would not have seen the light of day. I think it was a fine story, and I enjoyed the part about the "Havana omelet before the Shit Rock." I get that a lot, but usually more often after excessive drinking than eating.

Bumloudson Tepong (not verified) -- 01.20.2006

Man you actually have measured your arsehole at some point ! Kudos to you for that my good man ! Thats what i call devotion to duty.

Angry Bowels (18) -- 01.20.2006

Yeah... I think one of the worst craps of my life came from eating at a combined KFC and A&W. Massive amounts of chicken and chili cheese fries do not mix.

A poop story doesn't seem to be a poop story without tears during the final expulsion. Quite satisfying!

The Big Wiper (2245) -- 01.20.2006

I am belly-laughing at the handle two posts above this. Bumloudson Tepong. That may be my all-time fave PR moniker!

Pill Pooper (451) -- 01.20.2006

I will eat just about anywhere.. The only places I won't eat are McDonals, Arby's and KFC. That stuff they call "chicken" at KFC is more like everything BUT chicken. It's the hotdog of the chicken world; it's everything that's left over from a real chicken and then pressed together. There's beaks, feet, feathers.. Whatever was on the slaughter house floor that day. I have never seen a start shaped chicken, yet KFC has nuggets in the shape of stars. Natural chicken my ass!

Save yourself some pain and stay away from KFC.

Sergeant Crapnel (5) -- 01.20.2006

thaT MUSTA HURT.

scatoman (253) -- 01.20.2006

KFC is so notorious for messing with your bowels that there is a term for the after-effects: arguing with the Colonel.

For example:

"Bloody hell, that KFC played havoc with my ringpiece."

"Ah! Have an argument with the Colonel, did you?"

It's a classic Roger's Profanisaurus entry from the Viz.

The Dumpster (2506) -- 01.20.2006

KOC, I feel like I, as much as the Colonel, am to blame for your anal agonies. I may be wrong, but I think I was the first one to remark that this is one of those rare pieces where the title suggests the story, and I know, as you state, that I've nagged you about this for weeks. The first time I saw your moniker, KeepOnCrappin (KOC), this title just leapt into my brain (or at least my hypothalmus). Anyway, you are a brave man to, as TBW says, "take one for the site." Most of us are content simply to "make one" (or more) for the site. You do, indeed, deserve a "Poople Heart" award, as someone suggested above.

This is a well-written and hilariously entertaining piece (of something...), with all of the classic derring-doo of a KOC adventure. In my mind, I picture KOC as a sort of Ralph Kramden of Crap: Always dreaming, always scheming, always falling on his ass, but that is why we love him so much.

(And the story bears skidmarks of having been beta-ed by one of the best--TBW?)

I will have to strongly agree with AB2K on the absence of any sexual connotation to this story. Anybody who would see sex in this needs help. I think Craptastic 4, who made that statement, must have some pretty weird ideas about what is sexual. Also, if you keep up with KOC on this site, it won't take you long to know that there is nothing sexy about HIM! Nothing!~~~

Congratulations on a job, and a story, well done!

The Dumpster (2506) -- 01.20.2006

Oh, and I forgot to state--the reason your peristalsis got reversed and the Havana Omlet took pride of place over the Shit Rock is quite simple: Grease goes through your system a lot faster than the bone, gristle, and cartilage that made up the rest of the meal (although those eleven different herbs and spices do make whatever it is taste pretty good going in). Thus, your intestines became a sort of roller-derby rink where the smaller and faster ones zip-ah-de-doo-da-ed around on the outside past the lumbering behemoths in the center lane. This frequently happens when the meal is more than 50% grease.

KOC, for all your friends here on PR--please, please, eat some oatmeal for breakfast tomorrow?

Poop Shooter (598) -- 01.20.2006

I want to know how many flush it took to get rid of that mamouth monster??? 2....maybe 3?? Great story in all with nothing sexual involved, and if you think so, there is a problem that I don't feel Poop Report can help!! Best, P.S.

doniker (1536) -- 01.20.2006

To be honest, in the course of my fast food eating experiences I have gotten a bad meal from probably every single chain at one point or another.

Examples: the McDonalds in Boardman Ohio (near Youngstown) always gave me the shits...but the Parma store (at Pleasant Valley & Broadview) is always clean with great food.

But the Taco Bell at Pleasant Valley & Broadview gives me the shits while the store in Macedonia, Ohio is also clean with good food.

My point....it's not the food that fucks you up it's the jerk handling it.

I have a Burger King 1 mile from my house but it sucks. If I get an urge for a Whopper I will drive to the store 7 miles from my house because it is a better, cleaner store.

-------

About this story...it bored me to the point I couldn't finish it.

Premeditated poop stories suck. anybody can do it.

I can go gourge myself with food and take a laxative and write about my bowel movement but big deal...if I force the issue it would be boring.

KeepOnCrappin (551) -- 01.20.2006

Outmeal for breakfast. GOt it.

"Nothing sexy about him" NOrmaly I would get really pissed off, but since it is tru I cannot complain.

And TBW, this is my second plop. Thnaks for keeping up! I had Camp Chalupa before this.

PLease read that before calling me a [n00b]. SOme of us experienced more pain than others (Or were docked pay, etc.)

C Everett Poop (673) -- 01.20.2006

4 X 12 inches is about the size of a quaker oats box. Just an observation from the surgeon general.

The Dumpster (2506) -- 01.20.2006

Everett, what does that translate into in terms of a blivet?

And, in your Presidency (O King, may you live forever!), could we create a cabinet-level position of TURD-geon General?

The Big Wiper (2245) -- 01.21.2006

Okay, so it takes more than two plops to be PR'er Of The Year, KOC. I signed off by giving you kudos and also mentioned that you 'took one for the site.' I don't recall using that binary-looking word(n00b)in my comments.

Fart Poopie (1257) -- 01.21.2006

I have mixed feelings about this story.
It's good to see KOC's enthusiasm and that he "took one for the site," but this report, much like KOC's turd, didn't flow so smoothly.
Maybe it's just me.

TEDDY (not verified) -- 01.21.2006

I think these self induced shit stories are dull and lack the surprise of the older stories.As for KFC not being a good place to eat well.Its got everthing to do with where you are at and you got to check and see that the chicken is done .I have never had the shits at all from KFC.We quit eating there cause of it being greasy and unhealthy.But as for being bad no its good to me.You simply have to look around at the store and see how they do things .And if you get some chicken thats not done tell them and don't eat it.I got to admit for a long time in the past we were getting under cooked chicken and i complained they finally started getting it doner.But i never got sick from it.If a KFC looks dirty inside and the workers look the same stay away from it.I always feel bloated from their chicken that much i will say from all the grease.But the story was ok .thanks teddy

Bunga Din (1239) -- 01.21.2006

KOC your admittance to being anything but sexy was the funniest thing in this whole story, but please, as a friend and fellow poopreporter don't allow others to besmirch your person, get a dietician to help you reduce your intake. You'll be just as funny if you eat 1 bad hamburger and crap as eating $30.00 worth of the Colonels crap without the stress on the poultry population.

Lame comment!

Anonymous Coward (I dont give a fuck) (not verified) -- 01.21.2006

This story sux. Actually the site sux, but i wont say anything. (whistles)