A fitting title for this story might have been ''Afternoon of the Prawn''.I hope you never go through that again.

"[I]t was as though I had a witch in my guts, and her ladle was agitating my colonic cauldron." Halloween came a little early for you that year, huh, scat?

Very well told, but why am I feeling like I've read something quite similar to this recently, where a guy gets in a tight on the bus and just barely makes it home, only to find the downstairs potty already occupied?

Am I just dreaming?

This bit gave me a great visual of you navigating in the ocean.
"only the force with which this rusty water emerged was enough to power a jet ski." A story well told.

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SamDamnit!
President in Exile
of Poopreportia
http://www.myspace.com/saintcarnivean

On those occasions when I had multiple squirts, it also brought a cathartic feeling. Complete and utter emptiness was order of the day, so much so I did not pinch a loaf for a couple of days afterward. Emptying oneself of bad food is horrible, but when the coast is clear what a feeling it is.

"Prawn Of The Dead"? Good story.

What is it with bad seafood that can kick your ass so fast? Sushi has knocked me over so quick, I had to go before I left the bar. Serious bacteria (I think). The saki didnt help either... I have pooped myself twice. Once when I was sick from a BAD flu, the other from that sushi bar. I tightened up so much, I think I got a critical groin injury. If a piece of coal was placed in my sphinkter at that moment...a nice SSI diamond would have been formed.

Asphincter says WHAT...(!)

Seafood can not only have immediate traumatic effects, it can have long-term devastating health effects. Eating certain types of raw fish can infect one with internal parasites. And then there's the ultimate gamble--eating blowfish that's ill-prepared. That results in immediate death.

BTW, I'm an inveterate seafood lover, after having spent thirty years of my life in New Orleans (all of it pre-Katrina). But I am familiar with a family who lost a member after she ate raw oysters. She sickened and died within days.

Anyone want my shrimp and wild rice recipe?

Dumpster,you might be thinking of the story about the kid who went to visit his girlfriend.She was taking a shower and her brother was taking a dump downstairs.He was on the verge of shitting in his pants when he claims he sat on the other kids lap and shit between his legs.Alot of the PR thought the story was bogus.

"I am familiar with a family who lost a member...." Speaking of losing members:

Q: What did the leper say to the prostitute?

A: Keep the tip.

"Anyone want my shrimp and wild rice recipe?"

Probably not after that, TBW. Sorry!

Yeah, CC; I remember that one. It was entitled Sharing the Throne, and it was either fake or belonged on a porn site. But that isn't the one I'm thinking of; neither is Farts on Buses, which is a much better story.

Thanks anyway for trying to help me remember. Anybody else out there remember a story similar to this one?

When I read the first sentence of the story, I thought you were getting on to your senior-citizen years. But only 5 years out of college?? So you're 26, 27? Dude, you're making us 30-and-overs feel really old. Good story though, and a lesson well learned for you!

I'm nearly twenty-six, Shatty Cake. But I have been thirty-five since I was in first-grade. I get the feeling I'm living life backwards...

Dumpster: You might be thinking of the sushi stories by Pill Pooper - they involve seafood and horrendous bowel-related experiences!

scatoman makes an interesting point when he talks about being thirty-five since he was in the first grade. That's part of a thesis about old heads versus young heads. Old spirits versus new spirits. Chronology has nothing to do with age in that view of things.

There are some people who are old at thirty. Others who are very young at fifty or sixty.
Living life backwards is a very Mork and Mindy-ish concept. I always liked that idea.

very nicely written. I only had to hit the online dictionary 4 times this story. My o my how these stories are filling my vocabulary at a rapid rate. I still could not find a listing for "FSQWPLOOOOOOOOOOOP" in the online dictionary. I guess I'll have to use my imagination.

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Have a Crappy Day!! Poop Shooter!

Mork and Mindy!! What a great show. My favorite was the baby played by Johnathon Winters: Mearth!

I should have named my second born Mearth, but Skye seemed a bit more fitting, and she wasn't 250 pounds. Which is a very good thing, because the baby would have made some hellacious diaper doodies! ewwww!

Ok, a waste of space. I'll take a -1 for this rambling!

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Have a Crappy Day!! Poop Shooter!

Besides, a 250 baby can really stretch out the pahookie. Ouch!

Not that I WANT to display my ignorance, but what, exactly, is the definition of "fuckwittery?" Does that just mean sexual jokes? Please illuminate (btw, wikipedia didn't have an entry for "fuckwittery"; I tried.).

Happy to oblige.

Fuckwit = idiot.

Fuckwitted = idiotic.

Fuckwittery = idiocy.

In Viz, there is a character called Terry Fuckwitt. The tagline is: "He's got shit for brains!"

So it is no compliment to tell me that I "out-fuckwitted you"?

Dump, that is a compliment.... at least in some forums!!

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Have a Crappy Day!! Poop Shooter!

I was watching an old episode of Lost in Space and that evil dude Dr. Smith left a prawn sandwich for Will to find, he picked it up and instantaneously the robot started freaking "DANGER WILL ROBINSON, DANGER". It was too bad you missed that one scatoman, but your loss is our gain. Good story.

Bunga, you are so timely (or untimely)! In my law school class today, I made reference to "DANGER WILL ROBINSON, DANGER!"

All these twenty-somethings just looked at me.

Bunga, you're creeping us all out by saying our thoughts beforehand.

I, too, liked the reference to the witch in your guts.

"By the itching of my bum, something wicked this way comes."

Was this story a tale of an English-man poo? "Mum, Bloody, and Dysentary" seem to fit the stereotype! I would be delighted to poo next to an English man in a public restroom!

Something spooky on this post. I'm leaving!

Pawn of the Prawn?

I can relate, scatoman. A while back I was severely constipated and my mother (we share all our poop happenings) suggested I go to the pharmacy and get a bottle of magnesium citrate. I drank the entire 10oz bottle. It went down well enough, tasted like salty Sprite.
That entire week I was shitting water. Sometimes I couldn't tell if I had peed or pooped, and my bumhole felt like I had wiped with a cheese grater.
My mother had a big laugh at my expense when I told her what happened, as did my husband, but who could blame them. I'd laugh too if it happened to one of them.

This story had a happy dimension to it...you made it to a toilet in your own home! Imagine if the circumstances were different and you were a mile further away.

You are lucky this bout of food poisoning wasn't accompanied by the pukes..or worse, the "hurley whirlees". It's like russian roulette with your body..sit or bend? Make the wrong choice and you have to contend with a mess.

I love seafood, but I always consider the risk when I eat it. No matter how nice the place is, you just never know. Even when you live by the ocean. I have eaten scallops in the most expensive restraunt in town only to spend the night throwing up and ejecting liquishit, while other times I have eaten sushi from a truck vendor in the street on a 112 degree day without so much as a burp. If you love to gamble, seafood is your cuisine!

Excessive diarrhea CAN kill you.

Pinworm, you seem a man of reason, intelligence and strength. Form this one sentence I realize now who you really are "while other times I have eaten sushi from a truck vendor in the street on a 112 degree day without so much as a burp." You sir are the reincarnation of Charles Bronson, waiting to film the latest Death Wish film, subtitled "Tokyo toilet woe".

One time I had to squeeze my balloon knot for almost an hour to prevent myself from completely duking my pants. When I finally made it to the throne and dropped my drawers, I looked at my stick and had to laugh. Somehow squeezing my sphincter for an hour had caused my shaft to retract back into my body and only the tip of my helmet was visible.

I guess you flushed all your prawn down the john!!LOL

Shart, that was an interesting comment to say the least. But, I think it's "dooked", not duked. Otherwise, it sounds like you put John Wayne in your trousers.

And, I like the word fuckwittery.

It sounds like the action of one making wooden sculptures with his penis, doesn't it?

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969

Poopy Butt wrote:

"Was this story a tale of an English-man poo? "Mum, Bloody, and Dysentary" seem to fit the stereotype! I would be delighted to poo next to an English man in a public restroom!"

I am indeed an Englishman. As Sting might say, "I'm an Englishman in...er...Texas."

And this is one Englishman you'd be hard-pressed to poo next to in a public restroom - I avoid them at all costs.

That being the case, you really wouldn't wish to poo next to me when I do have to use one. Last time I did so, it was after a couple of plates of what can only be described as spiced heaven, at the Mongolian Grill.

In the words of Junkyard Willie ("The Angry Janitor"), "The paint was peeling off the walls."

daphne - Thanks for pointing out my error... I was indeed in danger of dooking myself and not of "duking" myself. The fact that only my helmet was visible after pinching off a loaf for over an hour is an interesting point though... I'm normally proud of my flaccid meat whistle, but after squeezing ass for that period of time I was all tip. I wonder if any other guys on this board have experienced retracted tube after trying to hold off an ass volcano for an extended period of time.

Ahahaha. That made me laugh. And, I'm sure the Duke wouldn't have enjoyed the Hot Carl.

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969

Daph, what Shart technically did was neither "dooking" nor "duking," but "docking." Fortunately for Shart, it sounds like his "docking" was reversible!

Shart, I've sucked up the black hole for almsot a day at a time, and I've never ever had Mr.Willie retract.

You may have super talents as a poop retractor and shouold be on "Thats Incredible" (an old show in the 70's or 80's)

Or better yet, the new show "That's Shameful" I'm not sure wich, but what you described happened is just wierd and probably not natural. You should ask a medical professional about this problem.

Tell us, did you use a penis pump to get it back out, or did it come out naturally after yer ass-blast?

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Have a Crappy Day!! Poop Shooter!

Good story; I am curious, though. My gASStronomic experiences have not extended sufficiently to include a prawn sandwich. I'm picturing a handful of shrimp tumbling out from between two slices of bread. Or is it more like what we'd call shrimp "salad", mushed together with mayonnaise? Just curious.

I'm thinking it's like a deep fried po'boy? Maybe?
I had a few of those back in the day that Turkey Ridge still graced Coventry Road before some asshat turned it into a Winking Lizard Cafe (replete with a tortured iguana right next to the sound booth). There was a place across the street run by a woman named Rosie.

We would buy drunker food at 2 AM and rolling papers. Ah, the good old days.

The shrimp sammiches I had were deep fried like fish and topped off with cole slaw. I think this might be what the author was referring to, but probably without the slaw.

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969

The prawn sandwich I wrote about was a simple affair: a bread roll, filled with a mixture of prawns and "seafood sauce" (mayonnaise-based dressing, sometimes called "Thousand Island dressing"), with a bit of lettuce and tomato. So yes, GottaGoGirl, it was similar to shrimp "salad". (That American expression cracks me up.)

Daphne, what you describe sounds delightful.

My wife and I went to Port Aransas this weekend, and I considered ordering the shrimp po' boy at a fish restaurant we went to for lunch. We had the fish and shrimp platter instead, but next time, I'll go for the po'boy.

At least at seafood restaurants, you know it will be good stuff. I've never had proctological problems after eating at a proper seafood place.

Now, I'm hungry, and that stinks, because I'm a vegetarian. Shit.

Well, I guess I'll go stare at a can of tuna and cry a bit then have some crappy soy patty or something.

And, yes, get the po'boy next time. It's so great.

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969

Daph, eat the tuna. I mean, it's already dead ya'know. Just say a prayer of thanks first. Charlie called the other day telling me he was conspiring with all his tuna-troops to rally against vegetarianism(sp). In the Top Secret memo I somehow got a hold of, it specifically 'splained out how they were to infiltrate every cupboard of all the veggie-peple of the world and convert them to tuna-eaters!!!

Being a secret spy with the PSA (poop shooter authority)is really tough at times, but I'm always happy to share some of my inside knowledge with you'all because nobody here really knows who I am (i hope)

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Have a Crappy Day!! Poop Shooter!

Hey daphne - if we're talking about the same Coventry Road... at least there is a Mongolian Barbeque now in the Coventry area. Nothing like a few plates of your own spicy concoctions to induce a Cleveland Steamer the next time you sit on the throne. I love that place.

this was a good dump of a story

So you're the bastard who's always mucking up the shitters in buses!