I am probably one of the most regular poopers in my entire family. I go once a day, every day, first thing in the morning. This is partially due to the fact that I eat a lot of the good Quaker's oats and plenty of fresh fruits and vegetables. But it's also partially due to the fact that I go running almost every day to make sure my colon is in gear.
If I ever have to poop while running, I try to find a gas station to duck into or swing by my house and go. But one Monday I was really in for it.
We had gone to my in-laws on Friday night to spend the weekend. I absolutely hate going there because my mother-in-law's idea of food is this meat/paste/cream soup combination she calls "casserole." In the past I've brought food from home or stopped at the grocery store for some produce on the way in. But this particular weekend I forgot.
Saturday morning I decided to go for a run. After going for five miles, I came in and cooled down. I didn't have the faintest urge to poop, which was rather odd for me. I tried drinking some coffee but that didn't help at all. I tried not to eat a lot of "casserole" that day, so I instead had some cold cereal, an apple, and some other unidentifiable slop that was supposed to be "salad." Sunday morning I was SURE I'd have to go, but after another six mile run, I was not feeling anything. I couldn't believe it -- two days with nothing! On Sunday, my father in law gave me a bunch of fresh sweet corn for dinner and told me to enjoy.
Well, I LOVE fresh sweet corn, so I ate three ears of it for dinner that night. I guess I was craving fiber or something like that. I went to bed not even thinking about what I just did -- which, essentially, is the same thing Drano Max does to a clogged drain.
Monday morning I woke up at five AM with horrific cramps. I've had to get up in the middle of the night to pee before, but never to poop. I got up, stumbled into the bathroom, and quickly produced a large, thick, pasty brown log. It looked suspiciously like the "casserole" I'd been eating all weekend -- almost the same color and smelling almost as bad. The massive turd was enough to convince me that I'd be empty for a while, so I went back to sleep.
When I woke up a few hours later to go for my run, I had more cramps. I sat on the toilet before heading out the door and produced a gigantic mountain of manure that looked and smelled like rotten cabbage. There were bits of the "salad" that I'd eaten on Saturday in there; some bits of cereal as well. Now I REALLY felt empty, so I wiped really well and headed out for the run.
I always run with Scout, my dog. Before we actually get too far, she inevitably has to take a crap. So I carry Wal-Mart bags with me to clean up after her. I grabbed one and headed out the door. Sure enough, after about a mile, she went and I cleaned it up. We continued to run in peace until I felt it: the cramp waves of death.
These are the types of cramps that you instantly know you have to hurry up and poop or your pants are toast. We were still about three-fourths of a mile from my house on a very busy street, so I thought about just slowing to a walk until the cramps would subside. I slowed down. But my guts didn't -- they just kept moving. I really had to poop NOW. The only thought in my head was that I had on some really nice Victoria's Secret undies that I wasn't ready to part with yet. So I dropped my pants, squatted by a bush on the curb, and unleashed another two cups or so of butt sludge.
This time, I could see the corn I'd eaten for dinner smiling up at me... stupid sweet corn!
My dog waited for me, kind of looking around as if to say, "Whoa, I hope no one saw you do that. I don't know you if they ask, OK?"
She sniffed the air and looked at me again: "Did that smell come out of you? ‘Cuz it wasn't me!"
Cars going by waved and honked and I just tried to quickly grab some leaves to wipe with. Luckily, it had come out really smooth and clean, with little mess to wipe off.
I ran back home with Scout and went up to the bathroom, where I proceeded to expel the rest of the liquid butt pee. This time it was clear with floating corn kernels; I'd say the corn pretty much did its job cleaning the paste out of me. As far as getting a fine, I didn't; but next time I go running after being at my in-laws, I'll bring two bags -- one for Scout and one for me!
