Meth Maintenance And The Shower Technique

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m 1+ points - Newb
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There was a time in my life, years ago, when I had a little problem with narcotics. Who am I bullshitting -- I had a huge problem. As most of you probably know, opiates constipate you. And I was on the king of them all: Methadone. Yup, the junkie's cure-all, the panacea to heroin addiction, yadda yadda yadda. At the time I was subsisting pretty much wholly on Butterfinger bars, bacon-egg-and-cheese biscuits, cheeseburgers, chocolate Junior Tastykakes, breakfast cereal, beer, and orange iced tea. Yeah, I know, this is a diet that would make your average anus blow chunks multiple times a day. But bear with me.

I'd gotten into a nice little routine of crapping maybe once a week; and while that might cause your average pooper to gasp in horror, it really isn't a big deal in the world of Meth maintenance. I'd been on the program for a couple of years at this point and was pretty comfortable. But then I had an experience that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy (well, maybe...) -- one I will certainly never forget.

The following occurred over the course of a four-week period sometime in 2000. Week One: all is well in my anal nation. No action, no movement, no grumbling, nothing. Diet is the same as usual: refined sugar, animal fat, alcohol, milk, and narcotics. Not so much as a fart. Week Two: still no action, maybe a little gas, but just a squeaker or two. Diet is the same. Still no cause for alarm. Week Three: absolutely nothing happening. Gravity seems to be pulling on me just a little bit more than usual, though. Week Four: something is definitely wrong.

This is not human. I think there's some sort of life form inside me. It feels like a large beaver has burrowed its way though my o-ring into my intestines, died, and somehow become petrified like an old oak tree. Diet is the same, but now with the addition of large amounts of laxatives and fiber regularity drinks. Nothing's working.

At this point I knew I had A LOT of material in me. But I REALLY REALLY REALLY didn't want to go to the emergency room, for two reasons. Number one: the only thing I can think of that's worse and more embarrassing than telling a bunch of strangers about your impacted rectum is possibly going in for pryopism (for those of you who aren't familiar with horribly humiliating medical conditions, that's a boner that won't go away). And number two, I was absolutely terrified of what they might DO about it. My mind conjured up images of men in white coats with gleaming metal implements, their faces contorted in some horrible rictus, cackling like Skeletor, ready to probe my ass like some kind of alien abduction.

So I sat on the problem, literally. Then came that fateful night when I would get as close as a man can to understanding the pain of childbirth.

I was sitting in the basement of the house I was living in at the time, watching TV and smoking pot. The beast in my bowels had slowly but surely taken over pretty much my every waking thought. I'd been on the laxatives for almost a week and still nothing was happening at all. Time was running out, and I knew it. My dreams consisted of little tiny construction crews building a giant cinderblock-and-concrete football in my ass, complete with rebar and steel framing.

Then the ordeal started. I can't say it was very dramatic at first; I just somehow knew that it was time to sit on the toilet and try to pass the demon. No cramps or pain, just a slight pressure. So I lumbered to the bathroom and assumed the position as I'd done so many times before over the past month. To no avail.

I pushed. And at first, it was encouraging. I had achieved turtle head. Happy with the progress I'd made I pushed again, and that's when I knew there was a major problem. The iceberg that the Titanic hit was large enough to sink it, but the vast majority of that iceberg lay under the sea, where no one could see it. That's how it was with this particular turtle head. The monster that it was attached to was more like Godzilla than any turtle I've ever heard of -- and turtles can get pretty freaking big.

I squinted my eyes in determination, gripped the sink with my left hand and the towel rack with my right, and pushed for all I was worth, my mind flashing back to that scene in high school health class where they show you "the miracle of birth." The football, as I'll refer to it from now on, emerged another half an inch or so; but its width seemed to know no bounds, and it was hard as a rock.

It was at this point that the football seemed to become sentient, and made a decision of its own. It was coming out, whether I liked it or not. Panic struck me like a mortar shell. My little illusion of control shattered all around me. By now I was almost in tears. I knew there would be blood and tearing and burst arteries in my head if this continued. I was scared.

What happened then in that little bathroom I still to this day hardly believe. I fell forward off of the can onto my hands and knees, begging the anal gods for mercy. I crawled to the bathtub and flopped in, turning the shower on full blast and hot. Again, now on my hands and knees, the hot water splashing off my back and butt steaming up the room, I pushed. At this point I'm sure I was as red as a ripe tomato, but this thing, this creature, this albatross had to be liberated, no matter what the consequence.

I kept pushing -- and finally, the monster slowly crept forth. And I do mean slowly. It felt like a huge piece of concrete with little shards of glass sticking out of it inching its way out of my tormented bunghole. I was sure I was splitting in two; and when it finally made its exit, I moaned in pain and joy.

The football was rock hard, and massive. I gawked at it in disbelief. There was no way that something THAT massive had come out of my butt! But it had. I lay there breathing hard for a minute or two. And then that little voice came into my mind: "Now what are you going to do with it?:

I thought about putting it in the toilet, but there's no way in hell this thing was going to make it down. A quarter of it would've clogged even the most industrial commode. So I commenced to stomping it like grapes. Stomp, stomp, stomp. I pictured some documentary I'd seen on winemaking, with people in a giant wooden tub stomping on red grapes. Stomp, stomp, stomp. The tub started filling because part of the football had lodged in the drain hole, and brown water was rising quickly. For an hour I stomped and stomped this thing, sometimes having to drop to my knees to unclog the drain by hand, up to my hips in sewage. If only Mom could see me now.

After what seemed like forever, the final bit submitted to my relentless attack and went down the drain. I stayed in the shower and probably went through an entire bar of soap and a bottle of disinfectant. I emerged wrinkled like a prune, but smiling from ear to ear. The football was dead. I had won. Most of all I was relieved to not be strapped to some hospital gurney with a doctor digging in my ass like gopher and a bunch of young interns taking notes. I haven't had another experience even remotely like that one since, and I hope I never do.

104 Comments on "Meth Maintenance And The Shower Technique"

C Everett Poop's picture
j 1000+ points

I'm glad I never went down the drug road or shit in my bathtub. Not very glamorous is it? Pretty good points for graphic descriptions though.

PooperGal's picture
k 500+ points

The exit was kind of anticlimactic after the drama of the process, but a compelling tale overall. If I'd dropped a load that big in the tub, I'd have wrapped it in newspaper and deposited it in the trash bin at the closest convenience store. Though it almost begs to be left on somebody's doorstep as an "abandoned baby."

Remind me never to do drugs or anything else that brings on major constipation. Life is difficult enough without "giving birth" to gigundo logs.

PooperGal
"Searching for the Origin of the Feces"

PooperGal
"Searching for the Origin of the Feces"

Pill Pooper's picture
PoopReport of the Year Awardk 500+ points

Wow.... It's like each story just gets more graphic each day. Great story, well written and good use of imagery. And stomping shit in the shower.... Classic.
-Pill Pooper

-Pill Pooper

Tydirium's picture
k 500+ points

Dang, I leave town for a few days and I miss some great content. Wonderful stories from the last couple of days, topped off by this gem. Makes me wonder what the appeal of addiction is. Just goes to show you that when you do things the human body doesn't like, the human body gets back at you.

paradise pooper's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

It ever ceases to amaze me what the human body can endure. One would think that you'd have to get stiches after an ordeal like that. You ought to go on a school lecture tour and tell kids this is what happens when ya use drugs.

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Hmmm.....FP on the Lecture Circuit with "Scared Shitless"

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

PooperGal's picture
k 500+ points

I'd just be concerned that some yo-yo would go get into drugs just to see if he could make a brown pumpkin that big, or beat Fecal Phantasm's record!

PooperGal
"Searching for the Origin of the Feces"

PooperGal
"Searching for the Origin of the Feces"

Di Uhreea's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorl 100+ points

I don't understand the stomping manouver. If you were willing to desecrate your feet, legs and bathtub. How could you not be willing to pick it up and dispose of it a different way? This way, you also subjected yourself to the smell and sight of it for an hour!
Then again, you've made it clear that you don't always make the right choices.

Tydirium's picture
k 500+ points

"origin of the feces" -- nice, poopergal. nice.

Coach Crap's picture

It would be great if we could do a short movie version produced by NFL Films with the legendary voice of John Facenda narrating it.Methodone could be more harmful then helpful.Bella Lugosi took pain killers for his bad back became addicted to them.They gave him methodone so he could stop taking pain killers and became addicted to methodone.

Anonymous Coward's picture

I had once failed to make for 1.5 months. The difference between me and FP? I was Eight.

Fart Poopie's picture
j 1000+ points

My ass hurt when I read this story.

Remember kids. Doing drugs will make footballs come out your butt.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

The thing about Methadone is that it's an addiction in itself, and it's legal, because it's supposed to help one get off heroine or opiates. When I've read about people testifying about having to go to the clinic daily for their boost, it's sad and demoralizing. And legal.

Addictive drugs are so very awful in every way.

Well, all that aside, what a story! I did think about my first baby, Thomas, when you described jumping in the shower. I had my son in Germany, and I was encouraged to shower to relax while in labor. And, I did. I also cried, puked, and blew my water on the mid wife.

This really was a remarkable week of stories. I enjoyed all of them......hugging bunnies since 1969

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

paradise pooper's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Origin of the Feces is a Type O negative album. They are a Finnish(i think) goth band, just for info....

Anonymous Coward's picture

you got guts to endure that and not call 911

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

The leader singer of Type O Negative is a big whore! I've seen him in quite a few soft porn shoots.

He's a real freak. Gotta love those freaks......hugging bunnies since 1969

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Big Shit's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Thats sick dude. I dont know that I would stomp my own shit for an hour, I can tell that you were on serious drugs.

Poopaloopas's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Well, you smoked pot beforehand, so maybe everything that happened is just a trick your brain is playing on you. You actually passed a normal log and proceeded to rub it all over you. You sicko.

toilet muck's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Even though im not much of a writer and i am new here, you should have told us about the smell. If you were stomping shit in my house, my dogs would casually walk up and proceed to have a snack.

General Colin Pow!'s picture

Good and well-written story! (Even if a little disgusting). I always enjoy stories from those in the drug culture...I guess it gives insight into the way others live. I think I had "pryopism" about 25 years ago- only I didn't know that it was called that- I called it: "Being a horny teenaged boy".

Thomas of Denver's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

My rectal node is experiencing sympathetic aching for you, friend. Added to my list of "things to avoid" will be methadone addiction.

Ouch.

Rectal Inversion's picture

Ok, sorry but a it's spelled "priapism"...and its a medical emergency if you're erect for longer than about 3 or 4 hours.

Fart Poopie's picture
j 1000+ points

General Colin Pow, your "horny teenaged boy" line cracked me up.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

This is your poop... Pleek.

This is your poop on drugs... UGH!!! Thunk! Stomp, stomp, stomp!

Any questions?

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Jugknocker's picture

Did you at least check your poop to make sure it wasn't a bag of heroin you'd forgotten about?

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

Will this be on the test?
.....hugging bunnies since 1969

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Derailing the Brown Caboose's picture

Dude, you should be invited to give talks at high schools.

Big Shit's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Dude, you should be invited to give talks at high schools.

No kidding, you cant sink much lower than that.

Fart Poopie's picture
j 1000+ points

Haha, TSV. That public service announcement should be televised.

PooperGal's picture
k 500+ points

Paradise Pooper,
I swear the "origins of the feces" just came to me off the top of my head. I've never heard of that goth group or album, but this proves that twisted minds think alike. heh heh.

PooperGal
"Searching for the Origin of the Feces"

PooperGal
"Searching for the Origin of the Feces"

runninggrrl's picture

Wow, so that's why giving birth underwater is supposed to be better...less painful, perhaps. Methadone is evil stuff. Heck, I got stopped up when I was on codeine for my wisdom teeth operation. And that only lasted a couple of days. I could never, ever, imagine a month without pooping. I would have tried an enema after the first week (not very glamorous, I'm sure, but pretty effective)

In The Bushes's picture
l 100+ points

The longest I ever went without pooping was 2 weeks, and that was hell, and when I finally did let it loose, it was shockingly painful, so I can't even imagine what this must have been like. As for all of the questions about the smell, I'd assume that you really probably weren't smelling much at the time. Did you live alone? Or did you have some explaining to do?

At least that wine-making documentary came in handy. Sheesh, I can't list how many documentaries I have watched that taught me things I never found a use for. It's always good to put your newfound knowledge to the test.

Anus Coward's picture

I went 3 weeks while incarcerated. Then finally I got the chance to let the beast free sitting beside 2 other poopers. They were no match for my sounds. The guard came in rushing us and I showed him the half n half I had poking out. He left me alone after that. In jail they feed you starches so you want waste the toilet paper. oh and I almost forgot you have no privacy I was facing a glass window and on the otherside was like 75 other inmates looking at TV. No problem except the TV was above the glass in front of me. So inbetween commercial breaks the shitters were the entertainment.

Midnight Express's picture

If only the setting were a Turkish prison

Hanus Anus's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

The longest that i recall having been shitless (or was i full of it?) was when i was 19 (bafflingly just over 20 years ago, now). My brother's girlfriend managed the local ice cream joint, and we ended up with a case and a half of bananas at the end of the season, which i ate most of. When the day came, it felt like i was passing a baseball (which i was unable to verify, as it was deposited in an outhouse).

It doesn't seem so bad, after reading of FP's ordeal. I'll stick with moderate use of the natural stuff, thank you!

Holy shit!

Happy crapping! (_o_)

The Big Wiper's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Drugs can definitely bung you up. A year or so ago, I had a minor operation with general anesthesia, and just that brief period of being under caused me eventually to endure an episode of "Manual Disimpaction," which I wrote up for the Front Page.

And believe me, one episode is enough. You don't want this to turn into a series.

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

cacaballbutt's picture

I'm still in utter disbelief that you didn't take a picture.

Fart Poopie's picture
j 1000+ points

The opposite thing happens when you take anti-biotics. Amoxycillin will give you the squirts.

Anonymous Coward's picture

If I dropped something this extraordinary, I'da had it BRONZED
This guy didnt even get a pic!
Its true what they say drugs ruin your mind

DungDaddy's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

I laughed so hard, I blew snot onto my keyboard.

Must've been bad. I am a serious consumer of fiber and shit like a champion. I also have a policy of trying every drug ONCE (except pot, pot is good to do more than once). About two years ago, a friend offered me some opium. Did it once. It was great. Didn't poop for three days. It was bad.

Ifeelyourpain's picture

I had more or less the same problem. I didn't use the stomping method, I just picked it up and trew it off the balcony. It landed in the neighbours yard. Their dog must have been in so much trouble

OneEyedTrouserTrot's picture

I would have carved it up a little to make it look like the face of Virgin Mary and sold that puppy on Ebay

Log Flume's picture

Hey Paridise Pooper, Type O Negative is from Brooklyn.

Ass-Gasket's picture

I would've had the thing bronzed and "passed it down" as a family heirloom

Fart Poopie's picture
j 1000+ points

Getting crap bronzed sounds like messy business. I like One Eyed Trouser Trot's idea of selling it on ebay. People will buy ANYTHING on ebay.

Bloody Dripper's picture

Sounds remarkably similar to my experience, yet no follow up? What about the obvious resultant anal fissure. My experience resulted in such and as far as size goes it was nowhere as near as yours. I was "sleeping" in a bathtub of water for couple of weeks. The thought of a shit caused panic attacks.

Hanus Anus's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I think eBay explicitly forbid the selling of bodily waste. (I suppose that makes them party unpoopers.)

Happy crapping! (_o_)

A Meth User's picture

Ive been on Methadone for a little over a year and you are totally wrong man! It has made my pooping so much easier!!! Before I was on Methadone I would constantly have diarrhea and would spend five minutes wiping my ass until I saw blood on the paper! But since I started the stuff my shit comes out in Large Hard Rabbit Like Turds that do not require and wiping after! All the time I used to spent wiping..I now use to admire the rough and round texture of my morning colon blowout. Id say you were full of... ahh to hell with the cliche's!

Queen of Sharts's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Was it really shaped like a football? I mean, it was pointy on both ends? What color was it? This story doesn't have enough details!
Don't do the drug, people!

Queen of Sharts

Don't be playin' with the Queen of Sharts

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

This is a shameless point-making comment to get me to 900.

I feel I've earned it. It's my one time cash reward from Bank Two......hugging bunnies since 1969

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

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