The Dracula Solution To Hemorrhoids

// // 76 Comments
m 1+ points - Newb
0
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Editor's note: I don't have hemorrhoids. But after reading this email, I kind of wish I did so that I could try this remedy out.

I know that one of you good people reading this right now is suffering from the pain of piles. Please, for the sake of inflamed ringpieces everywhere, try this out and let us know if it works!

---------- Received message ----------

Date: Wed, 27 May 2009 02:47:16 -0400

From: qi______od@yahoo.com

To: dave@poopreport.com

Subject: general submission

I just want to say this to somebody who cares about buttholes: garlic cures hemorrhoids! I read it in a book of midwifery, and put it in into practice after giving birth. I'm talking overnight relief. You just have to peel a clove and put it in your butt. Nobody seems to know about this -- get the word out!

76 Comments on "The Dracula Solution To Hemorrhoids"

Squat-n-leaveit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

Wow! When I read the title, I thought you were going to bite them.

Mrs. Mad Crapper's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

me too! I though now how in the hell am I going to convince someone to bite my roid and suck the blood out.
_______
Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Loocretia Kornmush's picture
l 100+ points

A better title might have been "HOW TO KEEP VAMPIRES OUT OF YOUR CORNHOLE". But I wouldn't doubt that garlic cures roids, it cures everything else. I talked to a guy one time who swore on a stack of bibles that a sliced garlic poultice cured him of facial skin cancer.

Cannabem liberemus!

El Scumbag's picture
k 500+ points

This is very true and goes back in history as a remedy, beyond the Romans to ancient Greece, I believe. Garlic is a natural antiseptic for the fissures and like all members of the onion family, is a stool softener.

In the interests of research, when I was recently troubled by my unwelcome bunghole-guest Sir Clement Pink (see the forums) I tried inserting a garlic clove into my chuffbox to see whether it worked. I cannot say for sure whether it would make the makers of Anusol worried, because it stung like fuck and I had to push it out after a few seconds, subsequently calming my inflamed ringpiece with my miracle pile cream SCHIROPROCT, followed by a suppository of the same. However, should he ever return to haunt my back door, I will be a good poopreporter and bear the initial sting to see if the garlic actually makes much difference.

plop cop's picture
l 100+ points


You gotta be kidding. I've eaten garlic and it is pungent and packs some heat. Piles are a "little tender". You get a garlic clove near my touchole and I'll do bad things, very bad. Scummy, that you've actually put a clove of garlic up your shit chute before and are ready to do it again for the sake of our knowledge, you ARE the man sir, just not the man who I want to be next to with a "fire in the hole" so to speak.

Now that's what a men's room is supposed to smell like!

Professor Packinfudge's picture

I seem to remember in Japan they believed live eels had the same ANALgesic effect, at least that's I told the missus for watching that online meme of the girl shooting eels out her backdoor.

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Lol.Funny Scummy. Anusol HC the prescription burns my butt the same way garlic burns. That might help internal hemmorhoids but how does sticking the toes in the rectum going to deliver healing to external roids. I needed a remedy last week. This week it is improving. I was alreading stining real bad last week. I f would have rubbed garlic on my open hemroid our poopreporters down under would have heard me screaming!
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Maximus Poopius's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I too had visions of 'bleeding out' a hemorrhoid. Yuk!

I'm wondering if crushed garlic applied like a poultice might not be more effective. You'd certainly get the 'benefit' of all the juices immediately, rather than feeling like there was 'something up there' all the time.

In the interests of following this story up is there a brave volunteer (not me) prepared to spend his/her time sitting on cold walls, lifting heavy items and straining on the toilet to bring out a few love beads in order to try this theory?

_______
The tiger stripes you left in my toilet are just not acceptable

The tiger stripes you left in my toilet are just not acceptable

phatmanxxl's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

Call it "Preparation G"

ChiliKahKah's picture
j 1000+ points

Do it Emeril style and pop it on there and say BAM !

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

If I do try this, I'm not telling anyone.

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

HowleyKook's picture
l 100+ points

I wonder what that does to the aroma...
_______
Happy Crappin'
Homegrown Media Network

Happy Crappin'
Homegrown Media Network

Squat-n-leaveit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

My dearest darling Daphne. If you try this, and you do not tell anyone, Might you be stripped of the title of poopreporter?

Nine Inch Log's picture
k 500+ points

If I had hemorrhoids I would try this, and would write up a very detailed report. If it works maybe we can all send a box of garlic to Dick Cheney.

_______
Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.

Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.

Nine Inch Log's picture
k 500+ points

Oops, sorry about my spelling. On blackberry.

_______
Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.

Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.

Bran Lover's picture
k 500+ points

Nine Inch, please don't send in pictures though. Thank you.

Story, yes. Pictures, NO!


_______
To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Scummy.....Please excuse my late reply to your scholarly discussion of garlic up the poop chute but I have been out of town attending my grandsons high school graduation.

Garlic has indeed been used as a medicinal since ancient times. Honey, another ancient medicinal, also has antibacterial qualities. I wonder if the garlic were dipped in honey first if the sting would be lessened?

OH yes......thank you for adding "chuffbox" to my ever growing list of UK slang terms, it adds an air of dignity to my cursing and gives me a great deal of respect from my hillbilly friends.

br>_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Russell's picture
l 100+ points

Interesting...
_______
Russell the shitting queen

Russell the shitting queen

Bran Lover's picture
k 500+ points

Garlic is an anitfungal. Wonder if 'roids are related to mushrooms.


_______
To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

Bran Lover's picture
k 500+ points

Sigh...

Waiting for the comment to upload, wishing I could stop it....

Nooooo! I mistyped AGAIN! Now, do you speak typo?

antifungal antifungal antifungal.... :D

_______
To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Vinegar as well as garlic is touted as a cure-all, I wonder if a few squirts of good vinegar up the old keister orifice would do any good?


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Squat-n-leaveit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

As long as you are not an anti-fun-gal.

Squat-n-leaveit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

You are correct Chief, according to Dr. D.C. Jarvis' book "Folk Medicine" vinegar can cure about everything. Claims almost identical to the Kombucha people. Lowering the body PH might improve health. Most of the acid in my diet is from peppers and kim chee.

I disagree with your idea of vinegar enema however. It might pucker your starfish down till you'd be pooping a long brown spaghetti string. Fun for sidewalk art, but impractical for everyday life.

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Ha ha ha, I will know when I try vinagar enema because I will hear you scream like a girl from the deep south.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Captain Craptastic's picture
l 100+ points

I am relieved to see that my first impression was wrong! I saw the title and thought about a vampire biting and sucking blood from some massively pendulous hemorrhoids. Scary mental image of that! I've heard of ass-licking, but ass-biting is out of the question!!!

Besides, what if the gerbil bites back?!?
----Captain Craptastic!!!

----Captain Craptastic!!!

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

I wasn't too sure about this story either. Just to play it safe, I'm sleeping on my back from now on.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Sticking garlic up your butt would be unique in that garlic might actually improve the smell of something!!


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Charles Pookowski's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

If nothing else, the aroma of your garlic-tinged releases would provide you with a little slice of Italy.


_______
"There was nothing really as glorious as a good beer shit. I mean after drinking twenty or twenty-five beers the night before. It made you realize that you were really alive.”-C.Bukowski

"There was nothing really as glorious as a good beer shit. I mean after drinking twenty or twenty-five beers the night before. It made you realize that you were really alive.”

cynthia's picture

I've read about using garlic for hemorrhoids relief. Although I haven't tried it yet, I wouldn't recommend it for those who have bleeding hemorrhoids. That would really sting...

Thunderbox's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

Instead of ramming a clove of raw garlic up your chuff, I suppose you could use those tubes of crushed garlic as a kind of `roid cream.

The voice of sanity

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

A large scallion would be easy to insert and if you left the green part hanging out it would also be easy to remove. Since they are in the same family I wonder if it would do any good?
You could also do the same thing with a fresh garlic shoot, you could lubricate then with olive oil or a good Italian dressing.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Chief< having a scallion hanging out of the butt looks hilarious in my mind.Lol. Have you tried it. I didnt hear you scream, so i assume you havent tried the vinager enema yet.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Chief, if you use enough scallions, and accessorize you could march in next years Mardi Gras.

Squat-n-leaveit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

Chief Thunderbutt, inventor of the salad shooter. You might want to change from scallions to leeks. (or not)

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Just stay away from artichokes. Ouch.

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

The title is perfect. It leads one to believe that some crazy loon sucks hemroids for a living.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

ITs strictly volunteer work, SP. I fix vacuum cleaners for a living.


_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Nine Inch Log's picture
k 500+ points

I can't believe no one has suggested the vinager and baking soda colonic cleanser yet?! Start by pouring some baking soda in the rectum, jump around for a minute, then inject vinager, aim, and FIRE!

_______
Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.

Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Nine Inch.........A splendid idea for a colonic, it could also be used to extinguish kitchen fires in an emergency.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Bran Lover's picture
k 500+ points

Nine Inch, what are the proportions of this recipe. I want to try it out tonight! Equal parts soda to vinegar?? lol. The kids and I did the volcano experiment last year...

Let's foam at the ass!!!


_______
To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

I am not going to hold your hand on this one. I am too much of a ninny to do baking soda and vinagar enema. Chief will do it. Chief likes blow outs.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Anonymous Coward's picture

Well my Dad swears by Garlic, it's been known for centuries for it's healing powers but I never thoght it could cure your Chalfonts St. Giles!! Mind you I have never contemplated inserting garlic up my poop shute or anything else even when the Chalfonts have been bad.
On another note if you are suffernig from a burning ring after a particularly hot Curry or chilly for you guys, natural yoghurt rubbed on the burning area is instant relief!

P.S. This is a Fantastic site just found it the other day Marvellous!!

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Thanks for your kind remarks Anonymous Coward, I got a good chuckle from your use of the term
'Chalfonts St. Giles', for all of you readers who didn't understand the reference here is an extract from Wilipedia that explains it; "Chalfonts is one of many variations of Cockney rhyming slang for piles, this is derived from Chalfont St Giles but, as is typical with Cockney rhyming slang, the part of the phrase which rhymes with the derivative is omitted. There is a Viz character named Nobby Piles (itself a euphemism) who uses a range of slang expressions when referring to his hemorrhoids including 'Ooh me chalfonts!'". AC you have identified yourself as a subject of Her Royal Highness the Queen, many of our Poop Reporters dwell in the UK so why don't you sign up and join in the fun?


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Poopae Phi's picture

Its fun to joke about a foaming geyser of fecal mucus but the reality is baking soda and vinegar will make polycarbonate bottles explode- if you have a plump hemorrhoid that turns into a backstop you are going to blow your self right into toxic shock, or firsthand witness what is like to vomit your bowel contents

Internal_arse_lift's picture

Read this tip too late..... would have given it a go, but i've already had the stapled hemorrhoidectomy.

As operations that involve cutting loose skin up inside your anal cavity and stapling things in place go, it's not too bad.

As a bonus, at least I know my prostrate is ok.

Kalli's picture

This really works. I read about it years ago in some alternative medicine book and tried it in desperation. Never looked back.
(It seems that it is also a cure for worms too. Yuk!)

Anonymous Coward's picture

I'm considering this... If all goes well I will report back.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

The day I decided to give this a try we were out of garlic. I reasoned that since onions are in the same family (Alliaceae) an onion would be an acceptable substitute. Does anyone have any advise on how to extract a Vidalia onion from an o-ring? I suppose a leek would have been a better choice.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Wormy Wonder's picture

I wish i had known this in elementary school when i had an affliction for stuffing things in my butt and a case of the worms!!

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

AC....I suspect that you had a predilection for inserting items in your anus although large enough items could possibly lead to an affliction.

Professor Buttstein, grammar Nazi.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

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