The Soothing Virtues of Nivea Cold Cream

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In my salad days, I spent a lot of time in Sheffield (which, for the information of you Americans, is an industrial city in the north of England). It was my frequent pleasure to get beastly drunk on the fine local ale, followed by a curry on the way home. However, when one is in the company of friends in a similar state of inebriation, a certain amount of ritualistic posturing is expected; and should someone shout "Compulsory vinders!" when a curry was proposed, then everyone had to consume a curry of at least Vindaloo strength or suffer derisory accusations of effeminacy or homosexuality.

The local Indian restaurant was used to us appearing at about one AM, when most restaurants had already closed. But curry-houses know their market, and if it wasn't for drunken young men, they'd go out of business. Because of this they usually accommodated us, no doubt finding us English idiots amusing.

Tthere is a scale of curry hotness. And although there are many variations of curry, some of equally varying strength, it goes like this in general:


  • Korma -- mild

  • Curry -- medium spicy
  • Madras -- hot
  • Vindaloo -- very hot
  • Tindaloo (rarely seen) -- Very, very hot indeed
  • Phal -- Fucking hell, I've just swallowed magma
  • For most Englishmen, a Vindaloo is itself an endurance test, as the Anglican palate is used to blander food. But on this occasion, a bellyful of Old Peculiar had a detrimental effect on my sanity; and when we staggered to the restaurant they agreed to cook for us, despite the fact that they had officially closed for the night. Someone shouted "Compulsory vinders!" so, while guzzling the Cobra beer, everyone ordered vindaloo, except me. I was determined to prove my toughness. In the typically English way, I asked the waiter if they had anything hotter than a Phal, to great shouts and cheering from the chaps.

    A Phal is ridiculously hot, and usually, when an Englishman orders one, it's to impress his friends. If one does, the staff will often mutter amongst themselves in Hindustani something along the lines of, "Here we go, Ranjit, we've got another one of the stupid bastards…"

    The waiter said they hadn't, but the cook was nearby and gestured to him to come over. They chatted for a moment or two and returned, smiling. I should have known by the chuckle of the waiter that I was about to be punished for being an ignorant drunken English wanker with no more of an appreciation of good food than a pig (Guilty m'lud!).

    "Well sir," he said, "it's not on the menu, but our chef has agreed to cook for you a special Chicken Phal XXX. We will essentially make you a chicken Phal, but we will put in three times as many of the very hottest spices as we would do normally for such a dish, and include the chilli seeds. Would that be acceptable?"

    I should have known better, but the lads were cheering and I couldn't lose face. So as I agreed, with a nod and a smile the waiter and chef went into the kitchen.

    After initial poppadoms and another beer or two, we were all getting raucous and drumming on the table like arseholes. The waiter brought the food. When he put mine in front of me with a snigger, it was bright red -- and I mean lurid red -- as opposed to everyone else's orangey-brown, and steaming. I looked upon it with trepidation. My chum Craig sensed my foreboding anxiety. Craig, I should add, comes from Manchester and is so hardened to curry that he scoffs a vindaloo without breaking a sweat. He asked to dip his poppodom into my dish for a sample and of course I assented.

    He dipped for the smallest possible bit of sauce and put it in his mouth. All was well for a few seconds, but then he went red, shouted "F-f-fucking hell…" and reached desperately for his beer, swallowing it in its entirety before complaining that his mouth was on fire. He then grabbed great spoonfuls of rice to stuff in his mouth, trying to calm the burn. When he had calmed down sufficiently, and I had still not tasted the meal in front of me, he admitted it was the hottest thing he'd ever known. Sweating profusely, he suggested that I don't eat it under any circumstances. Indeed, he began eating his own vindaloo and complained that he could not taste a thing because his mouth was still stinging from my curry.

    However, since one cannot look like a coward in front of one's peers, or the waiter and chef who were now sitting at the bar, looking at us, and grinning, I dug in.

    There is a technique for eating a really hot curry, and it's SPEED. It must spend as little time in the mouth as possible, so chewing is out. One must ignore the rice and tackle the curry only, swallowing as much of it as one can as quickly as possible, preferably without pausing for breath, and then calm the tongue down with rice and lager. NEVER have a mouthful and then a sip of drink, as you'll make it worse.

    I shovelled in the first spoonful, swallowed quickly, and spooned more into my mouth. As the seconds passed and each mouthful descended, the burn in my mouth felt like swallowing molten steel in a sauce made from drain cleaner. I was almost spasming in pain, turned bright red while sweat poured from me, but I held my breath and shovelled on. After a while my mouth went numb to all sensations other than burning.

    I swallowed the last of it, my whole body shaking as the waiter sat there laughing his arse off, filled my mouth with rice, which was also swallowed without mastication, and eventually drained my beer. The waiter brought me another on the house but I could barely touch it, as my guts were doing the polka, rebelling like an army of partisans against a brutal invader; and I couldn't form words, as my red-hot mouth failed to work. I was actually weeping, but the sweat helped disguise it.

    Feeling guilty at my discomfort, the waiter brought me some complimentary ice cream to calm my palate. I must admit it helped greatly, but I felt sick and daren't vomit. I knew that if I did, it would burn coming out and probably get up my nose too, which would make for a very uncomfortable night.

    Eventually we went back home to the lads' shared house where I was staying that weekend; and, feeling a little calmer (and a curry master), I settled into a troubled sleep, fearing that when the curry emerged, it would sting like fuck.

    I woke up with a tremendous pressure in my bowel. "Oh no!" I feared. "This is going to be hell…"

    With caution, I sat on the toilet. A vast, sloppy, beery turd emerged. It was slightly spicy and had a twang of heat to it, but was nothing out of the ordinary for a post-curry shite, and I smiled as the last few inches descended into the bowl. My arsehole closed easily. I wiped normally and was smugly pleased with myself, vowing to have another curry just like it next time, to prove that I'm the not the sort of guy to be fucked with. I finished it off with a hot and evil smelling fart, but figured that if this was a 'curry-arse' then I must be the hardest bastard around, because I was showing no ill effects whatsoever.

    I went downstairs, made tea, and flicked on the TV feeling very smug. All was well for perhaps fifteen minutes, despite a few sulphurous farts in that time -- this was not unusual after a night of drinking. But suddenly my innards were gripped with devastating pressure and pain as if a diarrhoea attack was imminent.

    That first poo had lulled me in to a false sense of security, and my guts spasmed in protest. I could feel the heat inside my arse as if trying to clench a hot coal with my anus, and I ran upstairs, lowering my jeans as I went. The pressure became too much, with hot shit beginning to leak out before I'd made it to the toilet. I sat down with a thud -- not a second too soon -- and my bowels were projectile vomiting.

    I had no control over the quivering expulsive spasms as wave after wave of watery red-hot lava exploded from my arse. And then, the heat increased. It began with an eye-watering burn about twenty seconds after my anus opened fully. I felt like I'd been buggered with a dead porcupine and someone was holding a blowtorch against my hoop, cooking it like a char-grilled squid ring.

    I screamed. I screamed louder than I ever had before as the heat spread throughout my bowels and the spasms kept coming, sometimes with shit being coughed out by my choking quivering Khyber, sometimes not, and I woke the rest of the house. I sat whining and shaking on the toilet, unable to get up, as my legs failed to answer. My belly rumbled, I farted out an enormous moist hot pouch of arse gas, and another final spasm came over my guts as my bowels spewed another scorcher.

    It was at this point that Craig bust open the door to see what the fuck was going on and why I was crying with agony. Suffice to say, he understood why. Being a decent chap, he decided not to give me the I told you so… lecture; even despite the appalling stench, he was sufficiently enabled to help me stand up.

    My arse was in agony and hanging open like the mouth of a thirsty dog, completely unable to close. Touching it with toilet paper to wipe away the shit -- shit which had smeared itself across my buttocks and on the toilet seat as I writhed in agony -- was more pain than I could bear. I could do no more than rest the backs of my thighs on the bath with my arse hanging over and use the shower attachment to hose my rear end with cold water. Bliss.

    Eventually I left the bathroom and Craig presented me with a tub of Nivea. As tender as my bum was, I still dabbed it on my o-ring while wincing in pain and grinding my teeth; and I have to say, it was like magic. The Nivea cooled it down immediately to a dull sting. Although I had another molten hot shit an hour later, similarly painful but not quite as traumatic, the knowledge that that cream was able to sooth my cares away made it bearable.

    Although one cannot do anything about the initial burn, I have found that Nivea cream works beautifully at calming the nipsy after a poo with high chili content, particularly if it's been in the fridge (the cream -- not the poo). One has to apply a fair bit AND smear it inside, but it enables one to carry on with one's day instead of hobbling back to one's desk, whimpering like a squashed puppy with a hole too traumatised to stay shut.

    That afternoon, after my bowels had calmed, I had a date with a lass named Sue, a date which I should have cancelled but didn't. I sat there in the pub with her, trying to suppress a hot spicy fart while chatting, which is a difficult thing to do at the best of times. But with my arse being in its dilapidated state, it was next to impossible. I apologised for rather embarrassingly creating a stinky atmosphere, but being a fairly sporting lady, she seemed to find it mildly amusing. "Result!" I thought. "A chick who digs farting and shitting!" So I told her of my experience the previous night and that morning, which she listened to with the odd look of disgust, but as I was getting to the end of my tale -- extolling the virtues of Nivea and suggesting she tried it herself if suffering ‘curry arse' in future -- my bowels started to move again.

    "I'll be right back…" I told her, and hurried off to the bathroom. Although still uncomfortably hot and stinging, I waddled back into the bar area twenty minutes later, and was dismayed (but not altogether surprised) to discover that she'd disappeared. I never heard from her again.

    79 Comments on "The Soothing Virtues of Nivea Cold Cream"

    MSG's picture
    Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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    Glad to see somebody besides me finally tried Noxzema! I find it cleanses and soothes about as well as anything else I've tried, and it doesn't itch. I use it on the last piece of t.p. when I poop at home, and I have a small jar of it at work as well. Quite comforting.

    Anonymous American's picture
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    OK, you are such a pussy! I'm a standard white American guy of 31 years.. Gay too! I can eat any curry and all the way to a 10 of 10 in a Thai restaurant and nothing.... pussy Brit.

    sittingpretty's picture
    Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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    Anonymous American, you can erace standard from in front of "white American" because if you are gay, you are not standard.
    _______
    ...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

    ...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

    prarie doggin's picture
    PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
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    Yes, you would be bentoverd.

    Unnamed Hero's picture
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    This was masterful. I've dived (dove? diven?) headlong into two bowls of Phaal in my time--both times from a restaurant in NYC that doles out a free pint, a certificate of honor, and a spot on their website (I shit you not). The first time was simply pure heaven and my arsehole must have been too confused by this mayhem the next day to bother hurting over it. My bravery was rewarded the next time by a giant gaping rubbery under-maw screaming sloppy hellfire the time I went back for Round 2. That second time I had tickets to the theatre directly after dinner. I went. And then I WENT. And then I went.

    lady hellraiser's picture
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    noxima works better than Pons. Pons doesn't contain anything soothing, that I know of. Noxima contains some sort of cooling substance, so if you smear it on your o-ring, or your lady bits if something's a little raw, then it works. perfectly. now, I have to clean the chicken spaghetti I laughed onto the computer off, I can't quit laughing!

    c life's picture
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    that story is hilarious! it reminds me of 2 occasions in my life:
    1. when i was 17 my friend brought a big bag of dried chillis around and demand we play a russian roulette-style game in which we all pick a card and whoever had the lowest number, had to eat chilli. elimination was refusing to eat, or leaving the table. the friend who brought them told us that water was useless, if not worse, and that, if anything, milk was the merest of slightly better.
    the game begen with 4 of us, all trying to show varying degrees of masculinity, brinkmanship and bravado.
    1 by 1 the count went down after all had at least tried 1. i can tell you that 1 alone was hard work, being so young and naive and all.
    anyway, it got down to the last 2 and i am pleased to say that i was half of it, after a few hits i was still going strong, and this particular time being the age of Jackass, i was planning on being the toughest female parent fornicator there.
    i was on a roll after a few lucky high cards and subsequent shots across the bow of my quarry and, despite the heaving sweat that engulfed me, i was determined to win.
    then, after some equal slugging my rival literally jumped from his seat and ran, screaming, for the relative safety of the kitchen and the 6 pints of semi-skimmed therein.
    so there i was, numero uno in the chili championship, number 1! there was my downfall, because in a fit of machismo, idiocy, pride (before a fall), i, without even a seconds thought, grabbed a huge handful of the chillis from the bowl and started chewing and whooping and generally acted the stupid knob.
    a few seconds went with no major adverse affects and i was stil in the throes of victory when it hit. and it really hit...
    the feeling was unprecedented. first the tingling in the gob, then the eyes went, i was blinded by a mixture of tears and confusion (which i have relised is constant in pure, unbridled pain) and that was me. done.
    i was, about 20 seconds after the losing finalist, bounding desperately into the kitchen looking for refuge in the closest available liquid.
    needless to say, my, previously "poofy" mate was still hugging the milk for dear life and not letting go, so i had to make do with the cold water tap, which after the initial relief DID make it worse, whilst my other mates, numbers 1 + 2 in losing order, where laughing there soon-to-be red arses off whoteheartedly, and they lost, wheres the justice?
    this story went on longer than i thought ile say the 2nd another time

    _______
    What's tall, thin, wooden and quivers gently in the wind?

    What's tall, thin, wooden and quivers gently in the wind?

    the thin brown line's picture
    j 1000+ points
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    El Scumbag..you should print the story out and take it to that restaurant (if it still exists). Better yet, frame it so it can serve as warning(s)
    1. Don't mess with spice
    2. Apply cream on hole after XXX curry consumption
    3. Be nice to your friends
    4. Find a female poop reporter to share your most inner/outer workings
    Great story. Thanks.

    Somethin' mysterious made an exit from the gift shop.

    Butt of the Joke's picture
    l 100+ points
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    I love finding stories a couple years old.This one in particular was so greatly told that I literallt feel the pain El Scumbag endured...ok,not really.But no more hot food for me!
    _______
    More people flush than they do wash their hands.

    More people flush than they do wash their hands.