Has no one else comment-modded this freakin' thread yet? Slackers, all!

Anyway, I think I had the opposite problem at Sam's Club the other week. There were no free samples, but the TP aisle of the store is the dead last aisle in the place, and it's behind the janitorial supplies and other assorted boring crap. I went to get my usual 36 pack of Quilted Northern Double rolls. There were two other people in the aisle, a man and a woman. The man briefly made eye contact and smiled with me. He may have been making a wan attempt to flirt, or covering up anxiety.

My cart was already full of cat litter, fun packs of chips (I can afford the fun pack), and various bulk frozen foods, so the TP wasn't fitting in. So I had to put it on top of the cat litter, making it quite conspicuous to other shoppers. In doing so I noticed that at least half the other shoppers had giant packs of conspicuously placed TP in their carts. Were all the Shameless Shitters in this part of PA at Sam's Club that day? Were all the Shameful Shitters in Bungaladesh at Costco?

Maybe it was the idea of the sample lady's sales pitch that made the people uncomfortable about the samples. I know that at Sam's, the sample ladies have to talk about the features of the product and what you can use it for, and, of course, you have to try the product.

Picture the sample lady saying, "This TP is quilted and soft and perfect for those post-Taco-Bell ass hangovers. It soothes the burning sensation of the most pernicious diarrhea. Plus, you get 72 rolls in a pack. You won't even run out in a snowstorm!"

And, of course, I won't even go into the feasibility of trying the product.

(In warmer weather, a porta-potty outside the store would have been a nice touch. The cameras could have been rolling for commercials of post-wipe testimonials. Truth in advertising indeed.)

There are like a buttload of polls I can get out of this report. As you can see, I've had a dearth of ideas lately in that department.

Master "Balster":

A few things, even though I'm sure you probably won't read this.

First of all, what GGG said. If you would like to pay us mods all several thousand dollars to skip work for a while, MAYBE we could moderate EVERY SINGLE LAME COMMENT on this site. I, quite frankly, come to PR in my spare time, of which I don't have much. Yet, I spend it here, laming comments by the likes of you, and leaving dusty old comments from 2003 alone.

Second, I'm rather overjoyed you decided not to join, because you can't even spell your own username, and you ripped it off from my nickname for my husband anyway, so I'm pretty sure you can go fuck yourself. Besides, your spelling is "espechiallie" atrocious. If you were smarter than me, I'd better go kill myself.

Mods, if we are discouraging assmunches like that from joining, then let's keep on keepin' on.

Cat poop in bed. Most unexpected.

Giant turd 1, bleeding rectum 0.

Too bad that unregisturds don't have two points to lose.

But this one really shouldn't be ripping off part of my name (I have a copyright on the word Blaster, ya know) and then spelling it wrong. That's asinine.

As opposed to NOT knowing where ourselves have been?

AC above with the bleeding butt says:

"I kept whipping and it would fill the entire paper."

I think I see the obvious solution to your problem. Quit whipping your bum and you will not have an issue.

Dave. Nards? Hahahahaha!!! I always called them nads. Nards sounds like a cross between nerds and tards. (Which I would love to see, actually.)

FF, I think that Dave was soaking his "nards" in the vinegar, not his hands, which might well be the funniest mental image I have ever had and will have in my life, hands down. (But not down there.)

Dave gets blood in his poop and doesn't go to the doctor.

But no . . . that doesn't kill him . . .

The next day he is hit by a reckless driver while riding his bicycle on the side of a busy road (not on the sidewalk.)

No, you spelled Denis' name wrong. Durrrr.

Damn, I thought this would be a lame yawner poll, but handwashing is always the subject of a raucous debate. I will say a few things, first being that I'm the opposite of a germophobe and although I keep a moderately clean house I don't get crazy about germs. I've read too many studies about kids raised in superclean households getting all sorts of allergies and asthma and the like because they are never exposed to germs in order for their bodies to manufacture antibodies.

I wash my hands after I poop and pee. A woman gets pee on her hands more than a man. I hardly ever get poop on my hands, but what if, you know, what if that black stuff under my fingernail isn't dirt from when I was in the garden, and then I go to make dinner for guests, I'm not taking the chance.

My husband sometimes doesn't wash his hands after peeing. I'm OK with that because I know where his willy's been too, and I wash down there every day. He does wash his hands after pooping. Those who don't have something wrong with them. Why would you even take the chance of having unseen poop on your hands? You live in a civilized country, and if you can afford to be on the Internet you can afford to buy soap and pay your water bill. There are no excuses not to wash one's hands post defecation. Period.

Dumpster, thank you for your insightful commentary in this situation. I couldn't have said it better myself.

Dumpster, do you live in Stewsburg, or Under-a-rocksburg?

Ask Little Dumpster. I'm sure all the girls his age are screaming over boy bands.

Mr. Blaster was kind enough to photograph an ass gasket in its proper position on a mens' toilet (the bathroom at his work.) They do exist. I imagine that they are more common in workplaces than other public venues.

Holy crap. I would like to know, too, if this guy had a wife/family/roommates. I am picturing a suburban master suite furnished in the Laura Ashley collection, complete with tons of extra throw pillows, completely covered in shit, and some yuppie lady and a couple of kids freaking out. For some reason I also picture the guy looking like Bob Saget. That's pretty funny.

Who the hell puts lemons in their shower? That's the worst lie ever.

I'm not going to shock anyone or tell anyone to shut up. I really don't give a crap who has more userpoints than I do. Really.

GGG posted about passing me way up the thread. I only just saw it now. I don't really give a shit. I'm happy to chill behind the scenes and contribute sporadically (i.e. when I feel like it.) I've never been a prolific poster. After 4 1/2 years on here I've all but ran out of things to say. I'm happy I didn't post tons and tons. I would have probably gotten burned out in six months, as can happen sometimes to prolific posters. I'm the tortoise and there have been plenty of hares that came and went since I joined PR. It's more fun to sit back and watch.

Oh look, this is my 800th userpoint. Whoopdee-fucking-doo.

When I was in high school I worked at the Salvation Army store and for a while we had no public restroom. People always used to say "Well then I'm going to just go to the bathroom outside on your front lawn!" I always used to think "Go ahead, Buster, go pinch a steaming loaf on the side of the busiest highway in town! I get paid $5.50 an hour and I don't care!" Having people poop/pee outside was not nearly as bad as how the bathroom used to get defaced. Thrift store shoppers are slobs.

Anyway, I don't think that would have been turd terrorism. It would have been more like a turd protest. Terrorism is an act that is performed to scare or intimidate someone, or to show you hate them, and make them feel they have less power than you, without direct provocation from that person to cause your action. Turd retaliation is to seek justice through exposing the victim, who has equal power to yourself, to poop. Turd protesting is to make a point that a power greater than yourself is doing something wrong, through poop, while not harming others.

Leaving a steaming bag of poop on the nerdy kid's doorstep just because he dresses a little funny is turd terrorism. The nerdy kid didn't deserve it, and now he feels you are stronger than him.

Throwing turds at your neighbor's house because his dog crapped on your steps and he didn't clean it up and you slipped in it is turd retaliation. The neighbor did something equally bad to you, and you returned it, and you and your neighbor have equal power.

Taking a crap outside a business that does not allow you to use their restroom is turd protesting IF the turd does not harm any employees and make them get off their fat asses to clean it up. (i.e. pooping in the grass. It's natural, it can be left there.) If it causes harm to anyone with equal power to you AND that person didn't deserve it, then it goes right back up to turd terrorism.

Whenever I fart in the shower
The steam gives the stench much more power.
What comes out of my anus
Is made much more heinous
And I gag and I cough for an hour.

My cats simply don't understand
Small toys don't meet hunger's demands.
When I scoop out their turds
I find things absurd
Like shits wrapped up with rubber bands.

For quite a few days, to be frank
'Twas only grape soda I drank.
The surprise, I'll not spoil it
A green poo in my toilet
I had the dye in the soda to thank.

There once was a man from Kentucky
Who thought he could fart and get lucky
He thought he could hold it
But the smell quickly told it
That he had just made his underpants mucky.

The topic of this story lends itself to comments that are a little, um, different than some of the comments some of us normally let through. Comments about pooping on people are in a different context given the content of the story.

Oh, and if anyone wants a site full of moderators who make people keep on-topic, well, then you better either find another site or talk Dave into getting new moderators.

I like ham sandwiches.

Okay, so I hate to be the first to comment on my own poll, but it's Friday night and I'm home alone, so whatever. I almost never grunt or anything when I poop. I guess it's a habit from pooping at work and having a husband who works night shift. But when we were vacationing in Florida, we ate quite heartily, and our shits were consequently the same. Mr. Blaster's cousin who we were visiting has a small apartment, and once when we got back from dinner I made a beeline for the shitter. Mr. Blaster and his cousin were either waiting for the shitter or I was that loud, but the one time I go "Urnnnnngh!" to get that stubborn Cosby kid to go into the pool, they are right there and hear me. When I come out, both of them go "URRRGGGGGGHHH!" in unison to try to make fun of me. They kept doing that to me all night long; perhaps they were trying to embarrass me but I thought it was pretty damn funny.

I also sometimes grunt a little when I have a really violent fart. Mr. Blaster thinks it's hilarious. Does anyone else get those, the farts that blast out so hard that they hurt? (Hey, I chose AssBlaster for a reason!)

Poop Shooter, I am reduced to "LOL." Maybe that's where Bunga is, off marketing his dildos.

Dumpster, he's referring to my comments about "fuckin' cake" and "fuckin' lasagna." I saw that comment and laughed my ass off before I approved it. I've had coworkers steal my lunch but never stick their wee-wees in my lasagna.

*smack*

Soooo . . . looking at females pooping is OK to you, if not even pleasant, but looking at a man pooping is horrendously bad?

Someone equates pooping WAY too much with sex. Pooping and sex are two separate universes. I do not deliberately try to see people of either gender pooping, but seeing someone pooping happens sometimes and is just a fact of life. There should not be anything sexual about it.

To tie in another recent story, I think that these taboos about cleaning kids' butts at daycares andthe like could cause those children to have poop fetishes later in life, as cleaning up after pooping is treated on the same level as child molestation. Little kids may not be fully aware of both those concepts but it will leave a later impression in their brain that Poop=Bad and Sex=Bad on the same level, so therefore Poop=Sex. Am I making any sense here?

Am I the only one who giggled uncontrollably for several minutes at the fact that there is a product called "Anusol" which people use to treat itching on the anus? That has to be the most truth in product naming ever. I used to work at a place which manufactured packaging for the medical industry. It would have been awesome to make Anusol packages. That may have made that job halfway tolerable.

Dear Stranded:

Let me tell you a little story about my teenage years. When we were 14, my friend and I met two guys at school. We hung out for a while and then we went to the one guy's house. Once there, my friend took a shit. There was no TP. We were worried about impressing these guys and were too embarrassed to ask for TP. She called me to help. I had some paper in my backpack. My friend crinkled it up and wiped with it. The guys were none the wiser. Although I was not the one who shat, I find it worth mentioning that I married the guy whose house we visited that day.

The moral of the story: Think outside the box, dude. Almost anything can be used to wipe your ass if you try hard enough. Don't limit yourself to just TP in a crisis scenario. Surely you had receipts in your wallet or a tissue in your pocket. You could have improvised.

That said, do you really want a girl who thinks shit is disgusting? You are on Poopreport, after all. At some point in your relationship you might make a poop joke. Surely you would expect her to laugh rather than being disgusted. Give her a call and see how she feels. If she seems distant, you might cut your losses and look for a more Shameless type. You'll be better off anyway. It could also be that you left some skids for her to contend with and she saw this as a sign that she would be cleaning toilets up after you for the rest of her life. We women don't really like to clean toilets. Make sure you check for skids when you crap in the toilet of someone you're trying to impress. Even Shameless women don't like foreign skids in their bowls.

(It cracks me up to no end that Dumpster mentions my name in the same sentence as "style and grace." Those of you who have known me longer are probably laughing your asses off at that one.)

It would be totally hilarious if this ended up on an episode of That 70's Show or something . . . I could see that. I am a big fan of that show but this made me laugh way harder.

CC says something about a 12-15" turd . . .
Dumpster said the turd was the size of his wang . . .
Hmm, I guess that means our Dumpster is miraculously well-endowed.

Buy some goldfish and when they die put them on the surfboard and let them hang ten all the way to their watery grave.

Seriously, closing the lid sounds like a viable and obvious solution to me. Durrrrrrr. I have to ask, though, are these waves the result of gargantuan turds being flushed, or does it happen this way all the time?

Enough with the racism, KOC.

"the down side of the site is that it often seems to trivialize the act of taking a dump by denying the basic human value and expectation of privacy during defecation."

Have you READ the Shameless Shitting manifesto?

If not, maybe you should.

"women having a bowel movement MUST NOT be found erotic, because this would undermine the premise of our website."

Well, it WOULD. The premise of the website is "the intellectual appreciation of poop humor." I've said this before, but poop fetishes are neither intellectual nor humorous, and if you disagree there are lots of sites more appropriate for you than PR. We want to embrace the notion that everyone poops, male or female, and that both genders should be equally free from shame about the act. A fetish becomes a fetish because the act it surrounds is taboo. PR aims to make shit less taboo by promoting the cause of Shameless Shitting. Therefore, fetishes are counterproductive to PR.

We can find some agreement in the fact of movies portraying men shitting much differently than women. However, PR does not attempt to live up to the same ideals as Hollywood, despite chronicling its poop scenes. Here, men and women alike submit poop stories, with the ultimate goal being that everyone will enjoy them without perversions, and that shit stories by both genders will be viewed with the same humor and respect.

Here is a story by yours truly. I am a woman. I shat. Big deal. There was not one single comment of "Yuck, women don't shit" or "Women shitting is so hot" (to be honest, the latter may have been posted and promptly deleted by another mod) under that story. Every regular to this site knows my gender and not one comment was made about it. It was just like any other shit story. Progress is being made, my friends.

Poop Shooter, a thong *might* catch a small shart, but any type of butt mud and the pants would be a goner. There's nothing back there. Worse yet, the butt floss action, if the person were walking, would only serve to rub the poo up and down the person's crack. Ewwwwww.

I imagine that if someone crapped a solid turd in their pants whilst wearing a thong, the thong would cut the turd in 1/2 and the turd pieces would fall down the person's legs. Ewwwww again.

I don't normally publish fetishist comments, but I let this one through because I found his point interesting. Is PR really about shitting from "the male point of view?" Or is this just a guy who doesn't understand that females pooping can be just as mundane as males pooping, and not all girls who poop are "hot?" Are we really afraid of the "girls pooping taboo" or are we just afraid of people who are turned on by girls shitting?

And why does girls shitting even have to be an issue?

I'm not only a moderator, I'm a voice in Dumpster's conscience telling him when to stop.

Anyway, PZ, there is a list of moderators but it's not printed out for all to see; the mods on the list who are currently active PoopReporters include those in your above post as well as bluespoo, Bunga Din, daphne, Di Uhreea, in the bushes, liquidy_poo, ScatoMan, The Shit Volcano, and wonderpance. You may not recognize all of those names because some of them are less frequent contributors, or prefer the forums, but all have either been on PR a long time or demonstrated in some way that they know very well what quality posts are.

Dumpster: I am surprised you scored perfect in tne math, not the verbal. You're so well-read and literate.

I scored 770 on the verbal myself. Beat you. Haha. Anyway, I actually think the test was harder back then. They rescored it in the early 90's or something and made it easier.

Anyway, to bring it around, you wouldn't think smart folks such as ourselves would like poop humor so much, but I think the intelligent poop stories on this site attract other intelligent folks. Not to mention Dave and I and the other mods do a good job of keeping out the riff-raff.

I think if I were a man, and my wife had a Kentucky Fried Box, I'd Jack in the Chicken instead of sticking my wang in there.

Have fun in the Philly airport. That place is ghetto. I was there last June and there was a giant mess of turds in one of the toilets by the baggage claim. The bathrooms there also have instructions on the ass gaskets. Apparently people who fly in and out of Philly are quite stupid.

If you're going to Miami, that airport is much nicer. Bravo for Miami. I do believe it was there that I was in a bathroom that had stalls that went all the way down. I could be wrong about that, though.

The nicest airport I have been in though, regardless of size, is the Cancun airport. The nicest plane I have been on belonged to Mexicana Airlines. It was the only plane that didn't smell like ass. The Mexicans apparently know something we don't when it comes to air travel (or maybe I just got lucky).

Dumpster says: "Bunga, you and AB2K created a monster. I suppose I had a hand in it, too. What must we do?"

You're blaming US? You had a hand in it? WTF! This whole thing was your damn idea.

Just like a lawyer. Sheesh.

(I'm so kidding.)

All I have to say is damn, here I am sleeping until 1 in the afternoon (went to bed at 4:30 am) whilst controversy is a-brewin' on the Poopreport. All that I could say has been said already; thanks TBW and Dumpster, you guys rule.

PZ, I owe you a quick apology for sounding vitriolic, but the truth is, as I did say in that post, that I've been with the same man so long that I've forgotten what it's like to worry what a romantic interest thinks of you, including your shit stink, and it's not so much as I think badly of you but I just don't understand the motivation, and yes, this poll did take some of its inspiration from your story. I guess I'm just a shit feminist. I want all women to be liberated.

Dumpster: what if you just hit up the ATM and you only have fresh, stiff 20's in your wallet? Surely you wouldn't sacrifice a 20! Or if you're like me and you have no cash in your wallet, because you only use check cards? (Or because you're broke. Whatever.)

A dude at work tonight related the story of when he was a kid he was doing his homework on the toilet (?) and crumpled a sheet of notebook paper until it became soft and used that. I suppose that's another option.

I believe it IS illegal to deface money in that fashion, anyway. Pooping on money and flushing it would render it unable to be circulated again.

KOC, Dumpster was being facetious with the moderator termination.

See, Dumpster? Now look what you've done. You've gone and confused KOC. What do you have to say for yourself?

KOC, 'cause it's none of Bunga's (or anyone else's here) business.

No, a dumpster is a level above a trashcan.

Ack! Dumpster, you're putting words into my mouth! I SO did not mean to equate you with TCM! Equating someone with TCM is one of the harshest things anyone can say about another PoopReporter. Maybe you've done a bit too much blabbing about my Mexican bathingsuit incident, but I would never equate you with TCM.

Oh, and TBW, that's hilarious. The Edgar Allen Poo thing. I also enjoyed your poem.

Dammit, KOC, you posted that while I was typing. You said "Anyone 450 pounds or over doesn't deserve to live. They obviosly don't have a job"

That's not necessarily true. While this woman was no doubt unemployed, I work in a call center and there are several people working there who likely tip the scales at 400-500 lbs. There was one guy who would take his lunch break at the same time I did, and I would see him eat his lunch. A 12" Subway sub, chips, LARGE soda, and usually a plate of something homemade too. He ate as much in one sitting as I did in one whole day, if not more. It was nuts.

I have been reading poop reports so long that I read this entire thing whilst eating my dinner and did not even flinch. That doesn't mean that it wasn't insanely gross, though! A remote! A piece of cheese! I'll never wrap my mind around that, and I do have to declare that I agree wholeheartedly with C Everett on this one. The thought that my hard-earned tax dollars go to support the medical problems of people who bring it upon themselves by becoming giant remote-control-engulfing slobs makes me want to retch more than the poop itself.

As far as Golytely, I remember that Mr. Blaster had to drink it once before a medical procedure, and it tasted ridiculously nasty. So using it as a prank wouldn't work, because even if it is colorless and odorless, it sure as hell isn't tasteless. I also remember that he did manage to choke down a good bit of it and it didn't really make him go. He is a normal-sized man. Maybe that stuff just doesn't have an effect on some people.

Oh, and I have to ask, what was this woman's mental condition?

Doniker wrote:

The thought of not having a day without drinking scares me...

That is a double negative if I have ever seen one . . . does that mean having a day with drinking scares you?

Oh yeah, and Dumpster, I will join you in your compliments of Bunga. Too many people I have known who have gone completely sober are no fun at all.

What, does your duck go diving in after your shit?

Yeah, how about you're a loser, lol.

The cat shat in the hat, and for some reason the storage dude hung onto it, and as an ironic twist of fate, the dude who wrote the story also shat in the same hat. I'm not sure what about that hat attracts scat, or why the dude would think the girl took his scat hat. Maybe he thought that she would shit in the hat.

Even though I don't have anything to contribute to this discussion, I'm diggin' all the different names you guys have for your penises. Too funny.

And an FYI for you, Anthony Massey: 4.1 inches hard is totally lame, dude, unless you're, like, 10. Get a penis pump or you'll never score.

Doniker, I didn't say that I didn't enjoy your work. I do, actually. I just don't enjoy when you act like an asshole, and I have the balls to say something about it. Truly, though, your assaholic behavior is just part of you. I actually miss you flaming TCM, in a crazy way. You give some flavor to the site and bust people's balls. It's only when it gets out of hand that I get pissed off. What can I say, I have an easier time standing up to people on the Internet than in real life.

Doniker . . . you'd be an awesome Poopreporter instead of a menace to Poopreport if you didn't pollute the site with your juvenile urges, and that's why I jump on the bandwagon. Oh well. I guess old habits die hard.