While I have no doubt whatsoever in the abilities of my fellow PoopReporters to fulfill any task presented them, I believe that, in this instance, that there would be none better than YOU, 'A fan of poop,' to play the role of the turd. With as much shit as comes out of your mouth, you'd be a natural.

_______
"You will spray oil when you fart. You will have diarrhea. You will be shitting constantly and you will lose control of your bowels." - Mr. Angry on alli

Believe me, I can handle the heat. I relish a good confrontation. It was actually out of concern for the rest of the lot, namely the people who are actually trying to offer legitimate critiques and are coming under fire from the psychotic author whenever they happen to disagree with his overinflated image of himself.

As for me...I say BRING IT ON. You've been around long enough to know I don't back down, daphne. ;)

Sorry if my looking out for others was inappropriate.

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"...you guys are missing the genius of Turdgutson's idea. We should certainly not be shitting in the sink, but why not invent a Toilet Disposal? Your tampon, giant turd, or some hooker's hand won't flush? Just flip a switch!" - SamDamnit

Hey, Dave (or a similarly-equipped moderator) - is it normal practice to allow writers who post lackluster stories to hurl insults at every reader who then comes along and posts a (predictably) negative response? I don't believe I've ever seen this kind of behavior condoned on here before. In fact, I've been the subject of a temporary ban or two for far less. What gives? This crackpot's going to make legitimate reviewers shy away from posting if he's allowed to keep it up.

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"...you guys are missing the genius of Turdgutson's idea. We should certainly not be shitting in the sink, but why not invent a Toilet Disposal? Your tampon, giant turd, or some hooker's hand won't flush? Just flip a switch!" - SamDamnit

MY custom OS and l33t IP rotator told me so! LOLZ!!!!!1!!1

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"...you guys are missing the genius of Turdgutson's idea. We should certainly not be shitting in the sink, but why not invent a Toilet Disposal? Your tampon, giant turd, or some hooker's hand won't flush? Just flip a switch!" - SamDamnit

Now, now, CEP - it's never nice to pick on the retarded.

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"...you guys are missing the genius of Turdgutson's idea. We should certainly not be shitting in the sink, but why not invent a Toilet Disposal? Your tampon, giant turd, or some hooker's hand won't flush? Just flip a switch!" - SamDamnit

This story seemed REAL to you?

Dude. You are doing waaaaaaayyyyy too many drugs.

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"...you guys are missing the genius of Turdgutson's idea. We should certainly not be shitting in the sink, but why not invent a Toilet Disposal? Your tampon, giant turd, or some hooker's hand won't flush? Just flip a switch!" - SamDamnit

Hey CEP -

I just had explosive diarrhea a few minutes ago. You think if I were to smear some of it on a sheet of paper and send it in, I could get it published? I bet it could compete with this herion-inspired steamer.

Oh, and Anon / Chocolate Shark - knock it off with the alts. We all know it's you. Troll.

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"...you guys are missing the genius of Turdgutson's idea. We should certainly not be shitting in the sink, but why not invent a Toilet Disposal? Your tampon, giant turd, or some hooker's hand won't flush? Just flip a switch!" - SamDamnit

C Everett Poop -

I was about to go on a tirade myself, but you pretty much summed up everything I was thinknng. I knew I had read this story before - it's basically a rewrite of 'He Was Me,' and sucks just as badly. I'm frankly surprised the author had the balls to repost it after the reception it got in the first thread.

Speaking of which, I would not be at all surprised if a bunch of unregistered alts now come out of the woodwork to 'defend' this garbage, just like in the other thread.

_______
"...you guys are missing the genius of Turdgutson's idea. We should certainly not be shitting in the sink, but why not invent a Toilet Disposal? Your tampon, giant turd, or some hooker's hand won't flush? Just flip a switch!" - SamDamnit

By the way, I found this hilarious:

"Why don't you ask Dave to verify my IP address here and tell you I am not the author. Better yet, ask him to verify the operating system."

Are you saying you know what kind of operating system Chocolate Shark uses? Or are you saying that, in addition to your random scribblings here, you also write your own operating systems that nobody but you uses?

And, give me a break on the IP address garbage. Anyone can fake one of those.

_______
"...you guys are missing the genius of Turdgutson's idea. We should certainly not be shitting in the sink, but why not invent a Toilet Disposal? Your tampon, giant turd, or some hooker's hand won't flush? Just flip a switch!" - SamDamnit

I swear, if I ever had a cat that pulled a stunt like yours did, I'd throw its nasty, treat-shitting ass in the cat carrier, drive it down to the local bowling alley, and send it for a ride in the Shine-O-Ball-O machine.

Fortunately, since this story allegedly took place back in '95, chances are, your satanic little furball is probably already dead, so...problem solved!

_______
"...you guys are missing the genius of Turdgutson's idea. We should certainly not be shitting in the sink, but why not invent a Toilet Disposal? Your tampon, giant turd, or some hooker's hand won't flush? Just flip a switch!" - SamDamnit

As posted by Bilgepump: "my unit isn't 4' long...just shy of that...but one has to stand that far back, falling toward the wall, thus bringing said unit within firing range....sorry you failed geometry and trigonometry, Turd."

Wow, sorry about your teenie weenie, Bilge - it's okay, though: I guess you could always fall back on the old adage that it's not the length of the log but the motion of the ocean that counts, right? But seriously, though: what's all this rot about 'falling against the wall' and all that? With a four-inch wanker I would think it would be more than sufficient just to push the joker downward and pee directly into the bowl. Why are the acrobatics also necessary?

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"...human shit has more of an almond, or perhaps a macadamia flavor to it. I hope you will all take my advice and really consider tasting your poop some time, as I have. It's really quite an experience." - Ratz

I agree with Poonurse. Just ram a Tampon up in there and stop whining about it.

_______
"...human shit has more of an almond, or perhaps a macadamia flavor to it. I hope you will all take my advice and really consider tasting your poop some time, as I have. It's really quite an experience." - Ratz

For what it's worth, I, for one, don't usually wash my hands after performing ANY bathroom activities, unless I actually manage to get urine or feces on them (via the toilet paper ripping and causing me to drag my fingers across my shit-covered ass, for example). If I can't see anything on my fingers after this happens, I usually perform a finger-sniff to find out if I need to wash or not.

_______
"...human shit has more of an almond, or perhaps a macadamia flavor to it. I hope you will all take my advice and really consider tasting your poop some time, as I have. It's really quite an experience." - Ratz

I like to commit intentional acts of turd terrorism in unisex bathrooms for the very fact that they'll have double the audiences (maybe even triple or quadruple, given how incontinent women tend to be, thus needing more potty breaks) than a standard crapper would offer. My favorite is the brown butt butterfly!

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"...human shit has more of an almond, or perhaps a macadamia flavor to it. I hope you will all take my advice and really consider tasting your poop some time, as I have. It's really quite an experience." - Ratz

Oh, please. There's no human being on earth that has a four-foot dick.

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"...human shit has more of an almond, or perhaps a macadamia flavor to it. I hope you will all take my advice and really consider tasting your poop some time, as I have. It's really quite an experience." - Ratz

I agree wholeheartedly with Doniker's assessment of this story. Methinks it is largely a fabrication.

With that being said, there was one aspect of it with which I identified:

"And not just any shit, but a giant, green messy liquid, a putrid death-defying smell. It was everywhere. All over me, the seat, my clothes, up my back. . ."

This one time I got a bad case of the shits on the way home from work. As soon as I got into the apartment I ran like a madman to the shitter and proceeded to let fly a horrific explosive diarrhea that defied the very heavens in its volume and depth. Not only did I blast and splatter molten liqui-shit all over the inside of the bowl, turning the water a horrifying brownish-green and spraying chunks of turd all over the underside of the seat, but a second blast, during which I leaned forward to exact more force against my bowels, sprayed up the seat and onto the toilet tank. The smell was that of a putrifying pig corpse mixed with rancid gorilla vomit and death warmed over.

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"...human shit has more of an almond, or perhaps a macadamia flavor to it. I hope you will all take my advice and really consider tasting your poop some time, as I have. It's really quite an experience." - Ratz

CEP, I agree with you. This story was a turd.

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"...human shit has more of an almond, or perhaps a macadamia flavor to it. I hope you will all take my advice and really consider tasting your poop some time, as I have. It's really quite an experience." - Ratz

There was one time when I was going into work and was squeezing off farts the whole time and suddenly accidentally sharted in my underwear - I wasn't gonna spend all day working in diarrhea-stained underwear so I went into the guest bathroom (instead of the employee one), had explosive diarrhea, used half the toilet roll to wipe, then tossed my nasty underwear in the toilet along with the bloody mess and tried to flush. Hilarity ensued.

Long story short, a sea of diarrhea-tainted water wound up surging into the hallway and the janitorial staff had to snake the commode.

So...yeah...craps at work are the best!

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"...human shit has more of an almond, or perhaps a macadamia flavor to it. I hope you will all take my advice and really consider tasting your poop some time, as I have. It's really quite an experience." - Ratz

Let's see a shot of you having explosive diarrhea! I think that would make for an awesome book cover - you could use the assplosion itself as the brown 'splat' background, with words superimposed on it!!
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"...human shit has more of an almond, or perhaps a macadamia flavor to it. I hope you will all take my advice and really consider tasting your poop some time, as I have. It's really quite an experience." - Ratz

I can't help but wonder if this charming little essay on the 12-year-old pants shitter was penned by the same depraved individual who submitted this charming tidbit: http://www.poopreport.com/Ask/Content/midgley.html (see the third comment from the bottom - by 'Sue')

I frankly don't know what's more disturbing - a 12-year-old shitting himself of his own volition or a fortysomething mother massaging her 17-year-old to induce him to shit himself.
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"...human shit has more of an almond, or perhaps a macadamia flavor to it. I hope you will all take my advice and really consider tasting your poop some time, as I have. It's really quite an experience." - Ratz

Nine Inch Log, did you not have a sink equipped with a garbage disposal? I've often thought that would make an acceptable alternative to a crapper in a desparate situation. In fact, it would be even less messy than a urinal shit.
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"...human shit has more of an almond, or perhaps a macadamia flavor to it. I hope you will all take my advice and really consider tasting your poop some time, as I have. It's really quite an experience." - Ratz

How about a good bath, Shecky? If you don't wash your ass, it's gonna itch. It's called 'hygiene.'
_______
"...human shit has more of an almond, or perhaps a macadamia flavor to it. I hope you will all take my advice and really consider tasting your poop some time, as I have. It's really quite an experience." - Ratz

If I see a restroom marked 'out of order,' I actually make it a point to use it, even if I don't feel like I have to go, just to teach the restroom's operators a lesson (I especially like to use restrooms that are out of order due to some kinda mega-clog).

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"...human shit has more of an almond, or perhaps a macadamia flavor to it. I hope you will all take my advice and really consider tasting your poop some time, as I have. It's really quite an experience." - Ratz

I definitely agree with Doniker. A little common sense could have saved you from a hell of a lot of inconvenience.
_______
"...human shit has more of an almond, or perhaps a macadamia flavor to it. I hope you will all take my advice and really consider tasting your poop some time, as I have. It's really quite an experience." - Ratz

If my manager ever tried to make me clean up some kinda assplosion like the one in this story, I'd give the sorry motherf*%@&r a swirly in the affected commode and then quit on the spot.
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"...human shit has more of an almond, or perhaps a macadamia flavor to it. I hope you will all take my advice and really consider tasting your poop some time, as I have. It's really quite an experience." - Ratz

Hmmm...it would sem that *I* am the one with the blue toilet water on my face in this case. I could have *sworn* he had more than one 'N' in his name. Thanks for pointing that out.
_______
"Uugggghh...nnnrrrrAAaaaaarrrgg...*splash*...aaaahh."

Okay, GGG, I give - what is it you claim to 'know' in your sig? That you spelled Dennis' name incorrectly?

I'm flattered that I weigh so heavily on your mind as to warrant inclusion in your sig. That's hot.
_______
"Uugggghh...nnnrrrrAAaaaaarrrgg...*splash*...aaaahh."

LOL

I'd give you a 'great comment' prop for that...if I was one of the elite two or three with the privilage to do so.

JINGOISTIC!!!!
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"Uugggghh...nnnrrrrAAaaaaarrrgg...*splash*...aaaahh."

Thank you ever so much for that fantastic rant, Dumpster. I love getting a rise out of folks. It's precisely why I make the comments that I do. Every time you wig out and go ape-shit and rant about what a [fill in the blank] you think I am, you give me [I]exactly[/I] what I want. The only thing more entertaining than reading your comments is thinking about how much time you wasted writing them up in the first place. So again - [I]thank you[/I]. Please keep it up. Folks like you give me a reason to jeep coming back for more.'points.'
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"Uugggghh...nnnrrrrAAaaaaarrrgg...*splash*...aaaahh."

And that has WHAT to do with my question?
_______
"Uugggghh...nnnrrrrAAaaaaarrrgg...*splash*...aaaahh."

pooptastic sounds like an unwitting turd terrorist - with issues.
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"Uugggghh...nnnrrrrAAaaaaarrrgg...*splash*...aaaahh."

ADDENDUM: *how

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"Uugggghh...nnnrrrrAAaaaaarrrgg...*splash*...aaaahh."

Hiw nauseatingly quaint.

I could attempt to point out how incorrect you are, but given the obstinate nature of the majority of your posts here, I can see that there's no point. Clearly, your ego complex would never allow you to believe you're wrong about anything, nor to respect the beliefs of others (the "Washing Hands" thread is a great example of this).

So instead, I've used my energies to do a little troll-bashing instead. :)
_______
"Uugggghh...nnnrrrrAAaaaaarrrgg...*splash*...aaaahh."

Okay. Can I at least put roadkill on the engine block?
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"Uugggghh...nnnrrrrAAaaaaarrrgg...*splash*...aaaahh."

How about taking a shit on someone's engine block? Or better yet, in their car's air conditioning system? You'd NEVER be able to get that stench out.
_______
"Uugggghh...nnnrrrrAAaaaaarrrgg...*splash*...aaaahh."

This confirms it. Dubya really IS a piece of shit, and he's got the flatus to prove it.
_______
"Uugggghh...nnnrrrrAAaaaaarrrgg...*splash*...aaaahh."

Sorry, I already examined the picture, and it I can't tell if an upper-decker would be possible in that particular assembly - otherwise I'd be honored to defile it one last time.
_______
"Uugggghh...nnnrrrrAAaaaaarrrgg...*splash*...aaaahh."

ADDENDUM: One other thing, Tango Echo Delta - before you go whining about the fact that my particular excerpt from AR 635-200 doesn't go into excruciating detail concerning the reasons for medical discharge, read the entire document I provided a link to and you'll find all your answers. Otherwise, you're just going to make yourself look like a jackass when you go spouting off at the mouth again about your THEORIES as to how the military functions.

Now, be forewarned - there's 146 pages in AR 635-200 and NO pictures, so I hope you know HOW to read.

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"Uugggghh...nnnrrrrAAaaaaarrrgg...*splash*...aaaahh."

Hey poo-per-ee, you just keep making yourself look pathetic. Your botched listing of discharge classifications is yet another example of your TED incompetence.

The classifications of discharge - as spelled out by the United States Government in AR 635–200 (which can be found here: http://www.army.mil/usapa/epubs/pdf/r635_200.pdf) - are as follows:

"3–4. Types authorized
a. The following types of characterization of service or description of separation are authorized:
(1) Separation with characterization of service as Honorable, General (under honorable conditions), or Under Other
Than Honorable Conditions.
(2) Entry-Level status. Service will be uncharacterized, and so indicated in block 24 of DD Form 214, except as
provided in paragraph 3–9a.
(3) Order of release from the custody and control of the Army by reason of void enlistment or induction.
(4) Separation by being dropped from the rolls of the Army.
b. The types of separation listed above will be used in appropriate circumstances unless limited by the reason for separation."

AR 635–200 goes on to state that psychiatric situations (which ARE a valid reason for separation, despite your disjointed and dubious contradictory claim) are typically classified under 'medical' or 'ELS,' although there are provisions made for circumstances that fall outside these categories.

I'm begining to think YOU are the fraud here.

_______
"Uugggghh...nnnrrrrAAaaaaarrrgg...*splash*...aaaahh."

Try showering more than once a week, and try wiping more than once after shitting! Your poor hygeine is precisely why your ass stinks, dumbass.
_______
"Uugggghh...nnnrrrrAAaaaaarrrgg...*splash*...aaaahh."

This story lost all credibility right around the time MotelShit claims to have made her 'turd terrorism' remark, followed by the Redneck vs Police brawl.
_______
"Uugggghh...nnnrrrrAAaaaaarrrgg...*splash*...aaaahh."

Don't hate the Army - hate TEDs like poo-per-ee, who have no appreciation or concept of the potentially dangerous fallout caused by their negligent behavior, nor any remorse about it, as evidenced in poo-per-ee's gleeful recountings of his shameful exploits.
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"Uugggghh...nnnrrrrAAaaaaarrrgg...*splash*...aaaahh."

If I ever had a chance to use that crapper, I'd totally take a diarrhea handstand on it and let the doo spray in a majestic arc from my upside-down ass and decorate the bathroom in chunks of dook and feces.
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"Uugggghh...nnnrrrrAAaaaaarrrgg...*splash*...aaaahh."

This story is stupid, uninspired...amd FAKE! Like the others who posted before me, i , too, am bereft of the ability to laugh at such thinly-veiled hoaxes.
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"Uugggghh...nnnrrrrAAaaaaarrrgg...*splash*...aaaahh."

I would've turned around, gone back to the Friendly's, and proceeded to have explosive diarrhea all over the men's room, making sure to get some of it in the sink. Then, I would have ordered a Friendly's cone and used it to write a message in the shit.

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"Uugggghh...nnnrrrrAAaaaaarrrgg...*splash*...aaaahh."

...the hell...????
_______
"Uugggghh...nnnrrrrAAaaaaarrrgg...*splash*...aaaahh."

And your point is...?
_______
"Uugggghh...nnnrrrrAAaaaaarrrgg...*splash*...aaaahh."

You know, if you'd all just slam your dicks in the toilet seat before you began the process, you wouldn't have to worry about them getting in the way.
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"Uugggghh...nnnrrrrAAaaaaarrrgg...*splash*...aaaahh."

Teri on the Thames, you are a complete and total fucktard. I can't believe this tripe even got posted.
_______
"Uugggghh...nnnrrrrAAaaaaarrrgg...*splash*...aaaahh."

C Everett, you hit the nail on the head. poo-per-ee sounds like a first-rate TED asshole who likely got himself a 'psyche' discharge and is now residing on his parents' sofa...at 38 years of age.
_______
"Uugggghh...nnnrrrrAAaaaaarrrgg...*splash*...aaaahh."

You're right. Your wife sounds like an uber-bitch.
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"Uugggghh...nnnrrrrAAaaaaarrrgg...*splash*...aaaahh."

Beautiul. Fear not, however, as the New YAWKAHS will soon find a way to completely trash it.
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"Uugggghh...nnnrrrrAAaaaaarrrgg...*splash*...aaaahh."

The acts of turd terrorism that bathroom must have seen. I'd love to flood that crapper just to see the results.
_______
"Uugggghh...nnnrrrrAAaaaaarrrgg...*splash*...aaaahh."

Like Poonurse said - ram a Tampon up there. Or perhaps even a concrete plug. Hell, while you're at it, why not just super-glue the entire assembly shut? That'll solve the leakage problem.

Worst. Medical. Advice. Ever.
_______
"Uugggghh...nnnrrrrAAaaaaarrrgg...*splash*...aaaahh."

The need for an exorcism is just never a good thing. Out, vile demon!
_______
"Uugggghh...nnnrrrrAAaaaaarrrgg...*splash*...aaaahh."

ADDENDUM: Oh, and by the way, if you are indeed shitting human flesh that you didn't (knowingly) consume beforehand...yeah...maybe it's time to see a doctor.
_______
"Uugggghh...nnnrrrrAAaaaaarrrgg...*splash*...aaaahh."

This brings new meaning to the term 'shitting my guts out.'
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"Uugggghh...nnnrrrrAAaaaaarrrgg...*splash*...aaaahh."

You're right, poo-per-ee......that makes you an even BIGGER asshole.

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"Uugggghh...nnnrrrrAAaaaaarrrgg...*splash*...aaaahh."

Bunga Din, you are doing WAAAAAYYY too many drugs. I'll take 'Career Stoner' for $2000, Alex.
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"Uugggghh...nnnrrrrAAaaaaarrrgg...*splash*...aaaahh."

LMAO, C Everett!! You're absolutely right - I totally overlooked that aspect of the story. I suspect poo-per-ee's cognitive abilities were far more dangerous at that point than the turd terrorism they were committing was.

And I agree. Driving while drunk and stoned = total asshole.
_______
"Uugggghh...nnnrrrrAAaaaaarrrgg...*splash*...aaaahh."

Why? Do you make it a habit to crap on your hands?
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"Uugggghh...nnnrrrrAAaaaaarrrgg...*splash*...aaaahh."

Meso-Assholian... *images of good ol' P39 roll through the brain pan*

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"Uugggghh...nnnrrrrAAaaaaarrrgg...*splash*...aaaahh."

"Devil may care" is about right. Like I said, if I can smell it or see it on my hands...

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"Uugggghh...nnnrrrrAAaaaaarrrgg...*splash*...aaaahh."

I give this story three turds out of five.
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"Uugggghh...nnnrrrrAAaaaaarrrgg...*splash*...aaaahh."

Horthy, the whole thing is contrived. Reality went out the door when she started telling her 'tale.'

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"Uugggghh...nnnrrrrAAaaaaarrrgg...*splash*...aaaahh."

Nasal, stop trolling. You want to comment, fine, but keep it to less than twelve pages and don't copy and paste it over and over to drive the point hime.

_______
"Uugggghh...nnnrrrrAAaaaaarrrgg...*splash*...aaaahh."

It could have been worse.

It could have been..."SNAKES, on a motherf@%!&$g PLANE!"

_______
"Uugggghh...nnnrrrrAAaaaaarrrgg...*splash*...aaaahh."

GottaGoGirl, you judgemental toad, not everyone is as OCD as you obviously are about the subject of hand-washing. While you are entitled to your opinion, attacking someone's upbringing is totally out of line and contributes nothing to the discussion.

And for what it's worth, I, for one, don't wash my hands after performing ANY bathroom activities, unless I actually manage to get urine or feces on them (via the toilet paper ripping and causing me to drag my fingers across my shit-covered ass, for example). If I can't see anything on my fingers after this happens, I usually perform a finger-sniff to find out if I need to wash or not.

_______
"Uugggghh...nnnrrrrAAaaaaarrrgg...*splash*...aaaahh."

Is incontinence, as the 300-pound troll described, a fairly common thing among women? It seems I'm routinely hearing tales about women urinating all over themselves due to an inability to 'hold it' for any length of time whatsoever. Maybe it's not that uncommon. According to the TV advertising, women pee themselves if they sneeze, stand up too quickly, laugh etc. Also they can't sit on the white chair, only the black one. What gives?

_______
"Uugggghh...nnnrrrrAAaaaaarrrgg...*splash*...aaaahh."

This story sounds totally contrived, and barely had anything to do with shitting. And why did the author feel the need to talk about comparing 'crank' sizes? It didn't contribute anything to the already-lame storyline.

Methinks the real source behind the writer's Shameful Shitting has to do with some latent homosexual tendencies he's repressing.

Sorry Richard, but you have a necrotic, flesh-eating disease of your rectal region. Best to get your affairs in order for your next of kin before it's too late.

So basically, you got loaded and then woke up in a load, allegedly staining the floor in the process. How charming.

Obviously. It's the only possible explanation as to how they're making it onto the site.