Dear Martin,

Try drinking some Visine. That ought to wash that sucker right out of there.

Also, before doing so you might want to take some valium so that you will be more relaxed during the evacuation. I don't want your next question to be concerning broken glass and lASSerations.

Hope you see this through soon and are able to look back on it and laugh.

Thanks for asking Motherload!
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Always looking out for number two!

That's a great idea Loggie. Consumption of anything baked by me should generate plenty of poop reports. Fun for all of us! I will get right on that. [rummaging through the cob-webbed cupboards banging pots and pans]
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Always looking out for number two!

Sit on your toilet at home and take some pictures of your surroundings. Print them and take them with you to the office or other foreign toiletories that you frequent and focus on them while you try to go. Just looking at the familiar things in your own bathroom might be enough to trick your mind into relaxing your bum.
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Always looking out for number two!

I have had this type of gas attack on many occasion. The first thing you need to do is to chew some Gas-X tabs or even those nice new Rolaids that have the anti-gas medication included in them. Whatever brand you pick, just make sure that the label makes mention of the elimination of"painful gas" and not just heartburn or acid indigestion.

Next, you need to jump up and down for several minutes while patting your stomach with your hand. This is kinda like "burping the baby", only on a much larger scale and aiming for results in the other direction.

Then when you feel as though you might just burst any second from all the pressure that has built up inside you, drop on all fours, put your nose on the ground, point your behind as far up as possible and begin to sway side to side. Air will rise to the surface looking for a way out, and with your butt in the up position, this will make the great escape much easier and way more entertaining for those around you not suffering.
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Always looking out for number two!

Upon reading Daphne's request for my input on the legitimacy of a colonic being an effective way to remove parasites, I immediately jumped into action.

I thought it would be best to start at the beginning and first learn as much as I could about parasites themselves. The following paragraph is an excerpt from the particular study that I was reading.

"At time of excretion, the immature oocyst contains usually one sporoblast (more rarely two). In further maturation after excretion, the sporoblast divides in two, so the oocyst now contains two sporoblasts. The sporoblasts secrete a cyst wall, thus becoming sporocysts; and the sporocysts divide twice to produce four sporozoites each. Infection occurs by ingestion of sporocysts-containing oocysts: the sporocysts excyst in the small intestine and release their sporozoites, which invade the epithelial cells and initiate schizogony. Upon rupture of the schizonts, the merozoites are released, invade new epithelial cells, and continue the cycle of asexual multiplication. Trophozoites develop into schizonts which contain multiple merozoites. After a minimum of one week, the sexual stage begins with the development of male and female gametocytes. Fertilization results in the development of oocysts that are excreted in the stool. Isospora belli infects both humans and animals."

After having mental images of cartoonish sperm-like creatures "dancing" through a tube directly attached to someone's ass and Bunga's wonderful little ditty now stuck in my head, I am afraid that my attempt at finding some answers has left me completely baffled and temporarily insane. I am afraid that I can not be of much assistance regarding this particular subject at this time.

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Always looking out for number two!

Carolina Barking Spider, If you read my response correctly, you would know that I did not recommend that La Rue commit suicide. I simply stated that I found it to be remarkable that she had not; considering all the suffering she apparently endures on a daily basis.

Ulcerative colitis, diverticulitis, inability to eat, severe bloating, chronic pain, diabetes, lupus, fibromyalgia, gerd, disc problems and chest pain would be enough physical discomfort to cause most people to become incapacitated and unable to function normally unless heavily medicated.

The fact that this person is reading a poop humor website and has submitted a query like this one leads me to believe that they, unlike you, can appreciate a bit of "read-between-the-lines comedy".

The bitter end does not have to imply death. If you stick around for a while and continue to read Poop Report, you will come to understand that here, the bitter end is usually the one in which the vile substances that can be created by the types of afflictions that La Rue has are spewing out of. Believe me when I say that sometimes that alone is a fate far worse than death.

I am sure that the regulars here know that I would never suggest that anyone do anything to harm themselves.

That being said, I suggest to you that you go ahead and pull that stick out of your ass now and have a laugh or two.

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Always looking out for number two!

newyorkperry, during a colonoscopy a tube with a camera attached to it is snaked into the colon and images are relayed onto a screen so that the doc can take note of any abnormal findings.

In the event that something suspicious is located, a biopsy of that area will be taken at that time. It would be inadvisable if not completely impossible for a doctor to start snipping out pieces of colon without the visual aid of the camera.

Since the tool used to take the biopsy is going to have to be stuck up your butt anyway, you might as well have the comfort in knowing the doctor isn't blindly hacking up your guts.

Gastroenterologists are medical doctors who specialize in the diagnosis and treatment of diseases of the digestive system, such as hepatitis, ulcerative colitis, Crohn's disease, and colon or rectal cancer.

Proctology is a field in medicine dealing with diseases and disorders of the rectum, anus, colon and pelvic floor. The word Proctology is derived from the Greek words Proktos, meaning anus or hindparts, and Logos meaning science or study.

Physicians specializing in this field of medicine are called proctologists. Most proctologists are surgeons by training.

So if you do happen to get diagnosed with something requiring surgical intervention, then the gastroenterologist would probably refer you to the proctologist at that point.

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Always looking out for number two!

Lets get technical about corn.

The corn seed (kernel) is composed of four main parts: the endosperm, the pericarp, the germ, and the tip cap. The endosperm is most of the dry weight of the kernel. It is also the source of energy for the seed. The pericarp is the hard, outer coat that protects the kernel both before and after planting. The germ is the living part of the corn kernel. The germ contains genetic information, vitamins, and minerals that the kernel needs to grow. The tip cap is where the kernel was attached to the cob.

The part that you see exit your body as part of your fecal matter is actually the part that the human digestive system can't do much with, because we don't have the enzymes (complicated proteins that the body creates) to break apart what the corn kernel covering is made of.

The rest of the corn kernel (the interior stuff) is easily digestible by the human digestive system. The center part of the kernel is mainly starch (complex carbohydrate) and a little bit of protein...and a few vitamins and minerals. The human body then can absorb the breakdown products from the starch and protein, as well as the vitamins and minerals into the blood stream, where the materials can be delivered to the rest of the body tissues.

Eating corn is not any different than it would be if you were eating some other plant food without first removing it from its protective shell.

The destruction of the integrity of the pericarp whether it be by the teeth from chewing, or the processing of the kernels by machinery is what determines the visual effect in the waste after digestion.

If you swallow whole sunflower seeds, you will see them in your poop. If you grind them up to a fine dust and eat them, you won't "see" them, but they will still be there.

If you were to eat a cornbread muffin, then have the feces analyzed by a lab, chances are that the tiny particles of corn husks (pericarps) that were ground into the meal to make the cornbread will be unchanged by the digestive process. It just will not appear as a kernel of corn.

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Always looking out for number two!

Boomerang, take a laxative.
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Always looking out for number two!

This reminded me of something horrible that happened to me about 5 years ago.

One night just before Christmas, I was awakened from a deep sleep by the sound of running water. Not like a faucet running, but more like the sound of a peaceful, babbling brook.

I was not completely awake and had not yet come to the realization that anything was wrong with the fact that I was hearing this sound, but was aware of the need to get up and go pee. So I got out of bed.

About 3 steps outside my bedroom door is when I really woke up. As my foot came down on to the usually soft, warm carpet, the spaces between my toes were penetrated by a slimy subtance and I found myself standing in ankle-deep, cold water. Even then, I did not realize what was happening.

I flipped on the bathroom light, and to my horror saw the bathtub filled to the top with the nastiest brown, scummy liquid that I had ever seen.

There were little chunks of poo, squiggles of mostly dissolved TP, and some sort of foamy substance floating through the murky water.

The lid on the toilet was down, but more of the same nasty stuff was spilling out from under it, slightly lifting the lid with each spurt. Boiling pots are supposed to be on the stove top, not in my bathroom. Something was very wrong.

Normally, when the toilet is overflowing you can turn off the valve to stop the water from coming up any further. If the bathtub gets full, you turn off the faucet. None of this was going to work for me. There was no water running in the tub, nor the toilet. It was coming from below. Hell had opened up and was spewing itself into my home.

The smell that was coming from this mess was absolutely putrid. It was like rotten eggs and dirty diapers soaking in a mixture of Herbal Essence shampoo and amonia.

I made the call to the emergency after-hours number for the maintenance tech, and moved as much stuff as I could away from the shit-infested flood waters.

Needless to say, it took quite a bit of time and work to clean up this entire mess. The cause of the disaster was due to a blockage in the main sewer line.

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Always looking out for number two!

Doniker, I do not fault you at all for your comment. I completely understand the point that you and several others were trying to make.

Having being involved with several different therapists and agencies over the years concerning my daughter, I have encountered the very type of witch hunter that you are referring to.

My daughter's sleep disturbances (night terrors) and some activities that were putting her in potential danger when she first started school (fear of other adults in charge of her and fear of other children sometimes caused her to become paranoid to the point that she would run away ) resulted in a 3 day hospitalization to get to the "root" of her problems.

At that time we were living in a small apartment that didn't have as much room as the house that we used to live in, so I had a lot of things in a storage facility. I would take her there every few weeks or so and we would "switch out" clothing and toys, so that she could have a variety of things, but not all at once to prevent too much clutter.

After she was discharged from the hospital and had been back at home for a couple of hours, child protective services showed up at my door and demanded that I prove that we lived there, because apparently my five year old had mentioned the storage shed and somehow they assumed that we lived in it.

Showing my lease, her room, her dresser full of clothes and her toy box, and the contents of our refrigerator did not satisfy them. They interviewed every other person that lived in that building before they determined that we did live in an apartment and not a storage shed.

That is why I was ready to jump to my own defense at the mention of the seemingly bizzare things that my kid brought up in front of the new doctor.

But because of this web site, I now have the intestinal fortitude that I need, and I say bring it on. If social services comes to my door about anything that was said in that consultation, I will simply show them my computer, direct them to the website and not let them leave until they too see the innocent comedy and the other benefits that PoopReport has to offer.

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Always looking out for number two!

A judicial bean counter.
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Always looking out for number two!

Investigators sifted through the rubble that was a result of a massive explosion in a home in New York yesterday. The first thoughts by authorities were of concern that terrorist activities were being plotted and that weapons of mass destruction were possibly being produced from within the residence. But it has been concluded that this was not the cause of this catastrophic event, and fear of terrorism in this case was unwarranted.

Apparently, a massive pocket of methane had accumulated in the sewer system right under the home of the only victim of this horrible incident. It is believed that the owner of the home was in the midst of defecating when the bubble of methane made its way up through the toilet pipes, and was immediately met head-on with a simultaneous gaseous eruption from the victim. This resulted in a spark, which ignited the gas and resulted in an explosion with such devastating effects that all that remains of the victim are his fingers that were burned to the keyboard of his laptop.

It seems that, according to the information gathered by the forensic investigators, the victim was none other than Dave Praeger—owner and editor of the popular web site devoted to the intellectual appreciation of poop humor. He was logged in to the site and in the process of posting an article about the dangers of defecating when the event that ended his life occurred.

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Always looking out for number two!

I have to deal with a lot of patients in both hospitals and nursing homes, that, had they sought medical attention at the first signs of something being wrong (like blood coming out of their ass), they would not be dying from complications of colon cancer, or other diseases that blood coming out of one's butt can be indicative of.

The only "normal" reason to see blood in the toilet or on toilet paper is when you are a female that is actively experiencing her period.

While hemorrhoids and anal fissures are both very common causes of seeing blood in the bathroom, neither one of these things are "normal". They are SYMPTOMS of underlying causes such as constipation, poor diet in general and/or inadequate mobility (sitting on ones arse for extended periods is a big contributing factor for hemorrhoids).

Most of the people in nursing homes wearing diapers having their butts cleaned by someone like me have no idea what planet they are even on, and thus do not care. But the ones that are in their 40's and 50's, and have colostomy bags to be emptied, or are just too sick from the cancer cells that have metastasized (spread) to other parts of their bodies because it was not detected early enough to be treated successfully, are usually completely aware of what is going on with them and to them.

I can only imagine the extent of their embarrassment and humiliation that is a result of having to have these things done to them because they were too embarrassed to seek help earlier.

We at PR understand that showing your butt to a doctor can indeed be very embarrassing, but pain from fissures or hemorroids can be eliminated...infections setting up in fissures can be avoided...even colon cancer, if detected in the early stages CAN BE CURED.

But you have to be seen by a doctor to find out what treatment, if any, you are in need of. It would be much better to get an embarrassing moment of showing your ass to a doctor over with, and have the peace of mind knowing that you are going to be ok in the end, than to have to spend your last days on this earth having someone looking at your butt every day to clean up your poop for you.

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Always looking out for number two!

The shit on the tampon string got my attention. Rather than being worried about a "whiff of shit" about you, the concern should have been about the possibitity of contracting a bacterial infection from fecal matter being in such close proximity to the urethra.

Since the vagina and urethral openings are so close to the rectum in females, alot of cases of yeast infection, cystitis and other bacteria induced inflictions can be avoided by proper hygeine practices, including wiping fecal matter AWAY from the vagina, and by replacing shit-soiled tampons immediately.

I would rather walk around with a big wad of TP in my pants until I could obtain a fresh tampon than to risk getting a nasty, itchy infection that could have been avoided...but that's just me.
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Always looking out for number two!

Bunga, the only real paperwork involved is usually handled by the general manager in the end.

The quality control guy is the one that makes the decision on what goes into the recieving dock. After that, its basically all just a bunch of shit.

As far as shipments go--some factories such as Thunderbox's run on a regular schedule, and others like mine and The Dumpster's seem to have alot of "emergency evacuations" and fire drills going on.

Size of shipment is probably just based on how the little guys down in the old plant are feeling on any given day.

(
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Always looking out for number two!

GGG, I have not been able to find any definate answer as to how the worms know when it is night. But you asked why I think this happens, so I will give you my opinion.

I am sure you have heard about the old "biological clock" thing. Usually people are just referring to a woman obsessing over having a baby before she gets too old. But the biological clock is very real, and has to do with much more than just reproduction.

In your brain there is a type of "pacemaker" called the suprachiasmatic nuclei. This part of the brain is responsible for setting the body's circadian rhythms.

There are over 100 circadian rythms. Each one controls a different aspect of our bodily functions such as body temperature, hormone levels, heart rate, blood pressure, etc...

There are outside triggers that regulate some of the circadian rythms. Daylight hitting the cells of the eyes causes serotonin levels to increase, which gives you more energy during the day, and when it gets dark, melatonin levels increase which makes you get sleepy and ready for bed.

When a person goes to bed and falls asleep, things like heart rate, temperature and peristalsis (the muscular contractions of the bowel) are much slower than during the day when they are awake.

It is my theory that the worms either are motivated by the lack of activity from their host, or perhaps even pick up on the presence of higher levels of melatonin or some other chemical clue.

Another possiblity is that if the worms came out during the day while you are standing, walking or sitting, they could be easily squished--and also, once they finished laying eggs they would have to re-enter the bowel by crawling straight up. The trip home is probably much easier when horizontal instead of vertical.
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Always looking out for number two!

Bunga, glad to hear no worms found. Sorry about your butt hair. Go out and get some double-sided tape, stick the hairy piece of tape to one side and stick it back on your ass.
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Always looking out for number two!

Tydirium, for the most part pinworms are just gross, and a pain (itch) in the ass. But there are sometimes complications that can arise from severe or repeated infestations. Most are secondary infections from scratching.

In females, entry of the worms into the vagina can cause vaginitis, urinary tract infections and can even get to the uterus and fallopian tubes and cause problems there as well.

According to the Mayo Clinic, very severe cases when there are large numbers of adult pinworms living in the intestine, can cause enough abdominal pain and rob the body of enough nutrients to cause weight loss.

My advice is to wash your hands often (don't forget to wash under your fingernails), eat your vegetables, and if your butt itches a lot at night, put a piece of clear tape on the skin right around the anus before bed and carefully peel it off in the morning. If you have pinworms they will be stuck to the tape.

If you do have them, call your doctor and get the medicine. It is usually just one little pill.
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Always looking out for number two!

The reason that I recommended eating raw shredded carrots is because carrots are a very good source of the main cleansing minerals; chlorine and sulphur.

Chlorine-containing foods stimulate the functions of the liver, aiding in the elimination of toxic waste from the body. Sulphur-containing foods promote a cleansing and antiseptic effect on the digestive system and bloodstream.

The carrots don't have to be shredded, but they do need to be raw because cooking alters the molecular structure and renders some of nutrients and their effects useless.

Other foods that are very effective in killing off parasites due to high sulphur content are garlic, onions and cabbage.

The way you are initially infected with pinworms is simply by picking up the eggs off of something that an infected person has touched.

Schools and daycares or other institutions that are primarily occupied by children are the most at-risk places.

Pinworm infection in adults is not as common as in children mainly because adults tend to wash their hands more often.
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well, lets see. Fecal = poop, emia means "in the blood", and the Circle of Willis is a system of arteries that supply blood to the brain. This is a MEDICAL EMERGENCY! If not treated you could end up with a chronic case of "shit for brains".
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Always looking out for number two!

No, Beer Shits, it has obviously not been forgotton by my daughter. Just the other day I was taking her to the swimming pool and on the way there I said "Uh-Oh, I think I gotta go to the bathroom". She immediately started pointing out gas stations and grocery stores or anyplace else that we could make a pit stop at, but it became clear to me that it was just a false alarm and I was acutally OK. So I told her not to worry about it. As we got closer to the location of the pool I remembered an old friend I had not seen for over a year lived nearby and decided to swing by her house to see if she wanted to join us. I told my daughter to run up to the door and see if she was home. I saw Marlene open the door and saw my daughter's mouth moving quite a bit, and a stunned look on Marlene's face...then my daughter ran back to the car and said "Mommy, Marlene said that you can poop in her bathroom".