Main agricultural export: corn.

Assuming she was serious, and that the 1 square regulation was passed into law, then I'll be the first person to sell toilet paper with 12"x12" 4-ply squares.

*scratches her head*

What was embarrassing, that you filled your diaper, or that you were wearing one in the first place?

I'm going to share my opinion and advice, even though the only qualification I have is being the mother of two young children.

Most healthy three-year-olds (without mental handicaps) have a fair understanding of cause and effect. If I throw this ball, it will bounce. If I drop spaghetti, it will make the floor messy. If I poke the butter with my little fingers and pour the salt all over the butter, counter and kitchen floor, Mommy will be mad (don't ask).

They can also understand what "bad" means, though they might not recognize something as being bad unless someone teaches them so. Discipline is very important. Teach this child that playing with poop is bad and that it will make him and his family sick. Teach him that poop belongs only in the potty. When he plays with his poo, punish him. When he takes a nap or bath without playing with his poo, reward him with compliments and hugs.

Try some distracting activities that are similar to what he does with the poo. Get him a smock, an easel, some paper and paints. Get him play-doh or clay. Let him 'help' cook, and set appart a little food so he can play with it in a bowl (kids like to stick their hands in wet noodles, pudding, creamed corn, custard, etc.).

If these things don't work then talk to the child's pediatrician about getting a referral to a good child psychologist. It is not unheard of for some children to be so curious about poop, that they play with it once or twice. When they play with it as much as your great-nephew, and the above suggestions don't help curtail the behavior, then you need to seriously consider the possibility that the child is suffering from some kind of stress and/or abuse.

GGG, you took the words right out of my mouth.

Feminine Hygiene Advisor, have you ever seen movies where you know a couple is going to have sex and the woman steps into the bathroom saying, "I'm just going to slip into something more comfortable?" She's not just changing her clothes. She's in there making sure everything looks and smells pleasant.

If your partner isn't freshening up and you're willing to live with it, I suggest you save your passion until you can follow her into the shower. ;-)

No, no, no. The shells are there to scare you shitless at the thought of having to wipe with them.
No poop, no wiping.

Why do you think everyone in that futuristic world was so uptight?

Hey, there's nothing wrong with playfully sucking up to someone you consider to be a friend (like my comments to AB2K above), especially when they work hard to bring you good entertainment. If the +1 on some of my compliments above bother you, however, (Bowl Clogger or anyone else who feels that way) feel free to complain about it to a mod. I don't care if I get those removed, if it means you'll feel everything is just and fair.

I do want to ask you, Bowl Clogger, a question. If your friends work just as hard for you, don't you give them a little ego boost to help make their efforts seem somewhat worthwhile?
I, for one, think that everyone who works on this site deserves that boost once in a while. As far as I know, they don't get paid for the work they do here, and if it's not worthwhile to them, they'll stop. If they stop, Poop Report won't be anywhere near as good as it is.

A person should be sincere with their compliments, of course, and they should try not to go too far, but you can't fault the "regulars" for complimenting the people they've become fond of.

Lesson learned: poop before bungee jumping.

Don't pull at your hemorrhoids, stupid!

Help Wanted: Armless man needs disimpaction.

These reference real PR's.

Girl from Starbucks left him muddy.

Soiled the salon restroom? Buy flowers.

Helped wife deliver poo in tub.

Doorless stalls are mostly A Okay.

Watch out for frozen airplane poop.

I'll think of more later.

Congrats on your 1000th point, AB2K!
You deserve several thousands more for all you do on the site and the forums.

DF, I'm veritably ashamed to see a phallus where you, of all people, do not.

I'll go sit in my corner now.

I'm surprised to see that there isn't a sea of lame tags on this thread.

You must engage in some inconceivably sick and obscene acts to think that your admitted anal tampon use is one of the least of them, DF. Please consider getting a psychiatric evaluation. It's for your own good.

You rant about America being full of fat, flatulent idiots and I respond by letting you know that you come off as a self-hating American... and that makes me an ignorant jingo?
That's a bit of an exaggeration, wouldn't you say? Was I really so aggressive in expressing my patriotism? I wasn't even waving my flag.
Did I call you a traitor? Did I tell you to move to France if you don't like how the country is being operated?
No. I would never do that because I respect your right to express your opinion, and also because I wouldn't completely understand what you post here if it were written in French. That would be a crying shame. ;-)

By the way, Sam, I wasn't born an American. I chose to be one.

You ARE lucky. Not every woman can say they have a good man around to defend their honor.

GGG, you should redirect your fanning to their rears. That might help get the vapors away. Unless they're your vapors. Then you should fan your own bottom. :-)

You're right. It needs bacon.

Thunderbox, don't be an ass. Just because some people like to eat something fatty every once in a while, it doesn't mean that they eat like that all the time.
Everyone has a sloppy, fatty, cheesy, bacony, deepfried and chocolate coated guilty pleasure that they indulge in occasionally. Don't you? ;-)

Oh, and GottaGoGirl, thanks for posting that recipe. It looks like a recipe you can play with and come up with countless variations. I'll have to try it.

Cheeseburgers and fries are definitely good eats.

Pill Pooper, I think you have more violent stories than anyone else. I can understand how angry you must have been, but after reading this story along with your hockey story... it almost seems like you're quick to throw a punch.
Please don't hit me for saying that. :)

CEP, you're giving republicans a bad name. You can be conservative without being racist. Do yourself a favor. Get rid of the klan robes and join a multi-ethnic community group. You would benefit a great deal from volunteering together with people of all races, with the common goal of making your community stronger.

Give it a try. You'll live longer if you're happy and loving than if you let hatred consume that little heart of yours.

Going with the "it's fake!" theme we're on...

Rectal Disaster, your comment is fake! If you can't laugh at fake stories then you've never laughed at any joke that any person has ever told you. Have you really never laughed at a joke? If you have, then you can laugh at this story. If you haven't, then you lead a very sad life.

I'm going to be mean and rude.

You have to be a complete moron to willingly eat food that's gone bad sitting in the sun. How did you NOT know that it would give you the runs? Are you really that stupid? Or, is this story fake, like C everett suggests?
Your marriage was screwed before you shat your pants. If your wife is throwing things at you and you are looking for ways to get revenge, the poop itself, then, had little to do with your divorce.

That is horrible! Insisting on wiping your teenaged son's ass is nothing less than child abuse, as far as I'm concerned. How psycho do you have to be to even WANT to? Ugh.

I know it's a horrible, insensitive thing to say, but I hope that not a day goes by that they don't blame themselves for what happened to their son... and pray that they never had any other children.

Thanks, Prasan. I now have the mental image of turds perfoming circus tricks.

There they go on the trapeze.

Usually, when people add "LOL" after a comment like that, it means they are saying it in a lighthearted sort of way.

We're all so gross for reading poopreport. LOL.

So were the green squirts a result of the seizure or did Barney have some doggy virus?

It's been said, but I agree wholeheartedly that you must be an outstanding person and great friend to deal with all the crap (pun intended) you have been through.

AB, I hope your pinky gets better. ;-)

I think this thread needs to be renamed "If you have a butt bleeding problem that you want to post here, GO TO THE F***ING DOCTOR."

All these people with butt bleeding issues come here and post their problem, but dont report back to tell everyone that they went to the doctor, and the treatment their doctor provided.

That would sure be a nice change.

The Alton Brown of... eew. Nevermind.

I think I would have called it the Dead Pooet's Society, even though the only similarity is that this take place in an all boys boarding school.

I was half expecting someone to vomit all over the place.
Great story, Bunga.

A pyramid of toilets...
I'm picturing Indiana Jones and the Temple of Dook... hundreds of cultists worshiping their Turd idol, and their leader, sitting on his porcelain throne, getting ready to offer a sacrifice...

Ok, that's pretty stupid. You're all allowed to make fun of me now. lol

*GASP-- cough cough*
That was so gutsy of you, Logjam.

The reason the stalls in the girls room always have doors is because no woman wants to see another woman change tampons.

My ass hurt when I read this story.

Remember kids. Doing drugs will make footballs come out your butt.