Dave, I think this is one design we need in underwear as well. One other thing, maybe we could change the colour of the graphics as well so it looks poopier. Why not shades of brown and the round things could be yellow like corn? Maybe the bands holding the molecule together could be done in a white like twisted toilet paper with perforation marks.
Maybe we could even have flies buzzing around the periphery!
Good report as always Logjam. I too have experienced an overwhelming sense that there is a great deal of overt flatulence on airliners. No matter which airline I've taken it seems you get a whiff of waste every few minutes. Rather than accept that passengers are always to blame I decided to dig deeper into this. I visited Boeings website and have uncovered SHOCKING details regarding air circulation inside these tubes of turdosity, you can find the details here. What's more shocking is if you download the PDF for the "Cabin Air Environment" you will get this.
If you take a look closely at this graphic it seems they have a person(s) bent over releasing ass aroma directly into the cabin, they also show the circulation patterns of this, showing how nowhere in the plane is safe from this odiferous onslaught. Why they do this is anyones guess, my thinking is they want you off that plane as fast as possible, and what better way than to make each trip a bummer.
Jimbocc is the winner. Rod tell him what he's won.
You and a guest will fly round trip from Sheboygan Wisconsin to Keokuk Iowa (home of the best tasting water in Iowa) where you will stay at the lovely bed and breakfast of a Miss Gertie Sanchez. Sightseeing will include the Dam on the Missisippi, a quick perusal of the stock yards all while being chaufeurred by Ramo Stott, Pole winner of the 1976 Daytona 500. Nightly entertainment will include comedy performances by the Bungknown comic at Lock and Dam #19, rainwear not provided.
As you can see I'm very excited about the possibility of meeting Charmingly Neurotic (erotic) but I think she'd need to know me better and I'd be more comfortable knowing her better than just through the superficialities of a poop website. Call me strange but that's the way I am.
P.S. Anyone in New York looking for a BAGMAN? Will work for accomodations, Upper West Side cardboard box preferred.
Charmingly Neurotic, I had no idea you were serious. As a traveling comic we tend to think everything is a joke. My schedule for the next while would prevent me from visiting you, plus I'm sure you'd not want to date some down on his luck small town comic moving from place to place. Gals like you who live the big city life of the Apple probably have better men to date than hacks like me.
For all you people out there that like poopcomics I'll be in Pennsylvania for the next few week, playing some small towns, Reamstown on the 21st, Zip Down on the 22nd, Butztown on the 23rd, Yocumtown on the 24th. Then it's off to Australia, I'm really looking forward to my nights at Mt Buggery and Iron Knob!!
If you get a chance keep your eye out for me, my posters look like this:
"
I'm the BUNGKNOWN COMIC
P.S. What do you call a nurse with dirt on her knees???
Great report Daphne!! Rock and roll legend Chuck Berry settled out of court with women who claimed Berry had covertly videotaped them pooping and peeing in the washroom of his Berry park. There is also an underground video purporting to be Chuck enjoying watersports with a willing female...Chuck is heard to mutter "I can't kiss you baby, you smell like piss".
With the technological advances in cellphone cameras and other electronic devices it gets harder and harder to maintain your privacy. Take a look at merry old England, in the interests of public safety most light standards are equipped with surveillance cameras that feed into some government bureaucracy tracing our "movements". The longer we remain apathetic to these measures the more prevalant they become.
It's not just the pervert who makes us feel like we have less privacy but also big brother. Most people aren't aware that if you bought a new vehicle in the last couple of years there is a data recorder in it. In the event you are involved in an accident the data can be subpeonaed (at least in Canada) by the insurer to deal with crash reconstruction regardless of whether you consent to have this data released.
Cellphones can be used to trace where you are at any given time based on your proximity to receiving/transmitting towers. While this is great in the event of you being abducted it won't be too long before some lawyer argues successfully that because it is common knowledge the technology exists then you have CONSENTED to allow this information to become public.
Spying/taping has become so common that an entire industry has cropped up to serve both the spier and the person wishing to be protected. This could all be solved more aptly if rather than a slap on the wrist and a fine the perpetrators got a heavy jail sentence and learned what life is like without privacy.
As far as the other types of "data collection", make it mandatory that data can only be released when the issue involves a crime of violence.
Logjam, there's a saying in these parts, maybe in those parts too but definitely in these parts.
You can take the ditch out of the boy but not the boy out of the ditch. Sorry, that was backwards, I guess I really had no point, other than ....oh yeah, MEMO TO DODGER: MAYBE A DOUBLE DATE WITH THESE FOXES IN NYC, maybe they'll show us the Lower Bowelry!
I just did. You have a certain way about your descriptions. You're from NY, a shameless poop storyteller with several already on site. I read some of your blog a while back and this just screamed "THAT"S HER!!!" "I HOPE SHE WASHED HER FUCKING TOE"!!!!
P.S. Did you get that merry widow in chartreuse or should I be doing some last minute Valentines shopping?
Prarie doggin, I think if someone were going to make an ass douche for guys it would be best accomplished by playing to guys wants/needs while stoking up the potential failure of not buying this product.
Here's how I'd film a commercial.
Scene 1- The Party, lots of good looking 20 something women, all with drinks in hand.
Guy looks over and sees this gorgeous blonde, green eyes, looking his way, he's talking with his friend but his focus is on her. Camera pans back to dog inching his way closer and closer to the guys ass, the woman comes over and squats down to admonish the dog but her face being near that stanky ass causes her to flush and back off without making any further eye contact. The main guy looks perplexed and his buddy says "Dude, you need to DOUCHE", and a picture of a bottle similar to a long neck beer bottle flashes on the screen but it's black with the MAN symbol and a picture of a chick wrapped around a stripper pole.
Scene starts over, same scenario, girl bends down and breaths deeply and smiles and guy has the look that he KNOWS he's scored. Voiceover chimes in....."When your ass smells like pit row of the Daytona 500 and your underwear has more skids than turn 4, ButtWeiser is there to smarten you up, When you say ButtWeiser, you've said it all".
I've been using some wrinkle cream (self made I might add, a tincture or unguent if you will of pine extract and rose hips) on my stinky winker recently and it has tightened those wrinkles considerably. I visited my colon hydro-therapist and she said I already looked ten years younger.
To answer the question from Bilge (who should know better, being a musician himself) Rod is performing the right cheek reek.
As anyone who has followed Rod's career will know he's gone through an awfully large number of guitarists. The reason for this, the right cheek reek.
What started out as harmless play back in the days of the Jeff Beck group / Faces period with Ron Wood and other famous players, changed to become really spiteful behaviour on Rods part. If a guitarist had played even one tiny note wrong Rod would lift that leg and let wail with a blast of bung bouquet. Rods stage line up always had the guitarist on the right hand side of him.
As Rod tried to revive things with Jeff Beck and Ron Wood (who went to greater glory with the Stones) it became apparent that things would never be the same. Both guitarists always sidled over to his left side and kept Rod powerless to unleash his fumerous fury. We've all heard the term One Hit Wonder, Rod happens to be a Single Side Stinker. Here are some pics to show how Ron Wood and Jeff Beck managed thwart Rod's rectal releases.
Rod and Ron Wood
Rod and Jeff
So as you can see Rod's anality on the road has followed him to his home.
Every Picture Tells a Story Don't It?
P.S. I have it on good advice that the original name of the song Infatuation was WET FLATULATION. Does anyone know what the original lyrics were?
International Phone Area Code: (2)222
Main Highway: Hershey
Capital City: Doo Orleans
Capital City Elevation: 2 Feet above pee level
Separatist groups: Dingleberries and Willnots
Last war: 200 Smears War
Unit of Currency: Dookat
Firstly I believe in good manners and that means the washroom, unless in your own private domicile, is not a place you should be conducting business on the phone.
What I would do is firstly clear my throat indicating the washroom was not empty, if the person continued to talk I would begin singing in my best basso profundo voice:
I come home in the morning light,
My mother says "When you gonna live your life right?"
Oh,mother,dear,
We're not the fortunate ones,
And girls,
They wanna have fu-un.
Oh,girls,
Just wanna have fun.
The phone rings in the middle of the night,
My father yells "When are you gonna finish that shite?"
Oh,daddy,dear,
You know you're still number two,
But girls,
They wanna do-doo,
Oh,girls,just wanna do-doo
Now should I not have heard the rasping of leather soles on linoleum and a quick splash of water I'd be left with pulling out the heavy artillery and break into my own bastardized version of "You're having my baby".
From the sounds of it someone wants to deposit his joint in her account, I'm betting he'll be penalized for an early withdrawl....does that help Dry-Wipe?
Great report Daphne!! My question would be, if the stalls go all the way to the bottom what's preventing two people from entering the stall and having their fun? Maybe the people will employ a Morse code of tapping on stall walls to signify availability.
If this happens, who does it really harm, they have privacy, they aren't offending anyone, so is this legal, can you pair off in a public bathroom as long as you aren't disturbing your fellow compootriots? If an officer took it upon himself to look over the stall wall would he not in fact be invading your privacy? I think an easier idea would be to put up FAKE cameras (they have them) and put up a big sign indicating the area is under 24 hour surveillance, people still have their privacy but it will discourage, maybe not stop all activity of a sexual nature at a fraction of the cost.
I was at a Bas Mitzvah for a friends sister when I was a young teen and they had about 300 guests. They had 3 or 4 porta potties outside lined up behind a decorated shoji screen, very tasteful. The porta potties got quite the workout because the toilets inside the basement ceased working after a few hours. It was rather fortuitous for my friend, because the bartenders were employed to help get the bathrooms back in working order and we manned the bar for a while, socking away a few bottles of Ballantines scotch, Gilbeys gin and Chivas Regal while this was going on. My friend drank so much that night he ended up puking into a bottle of Chivas while we were playing caps. The 2nd worst puke I've ever seen in my life.
People, settle down. For all we know this story took place back in the late 60's early 70's when car seats were not a big deal.
The imagery of a little baby in a shopping bag outfit had me chuckling. From the sound of it you're little brother is quite the country Bumkin.
For those wondering why she didn't buy diapers or some clothes for her little brother, maybe she had spent all her money on french friesfor her brother ands just had cab fare left.
Great report as always Pill Pooper and good to see you back, it's been a while!
Dirty water dogs are also a staple of GUT TRUCKS, those noxious catering trucks that visit businesses and work sites.
I had an employee who ate almost nothing but gut truck food and he was the most gaseous person you could imagine. Most of his co-workers hated when he would fart near them because it was like a cloud that wouldn't dissipate. The shipper in the place used to hate that he'd bring his gut truck food into the shipping office and eat away so one day he decided to hide it in an empty drawer in the photocopying machine.
Several people came in to use the copier to make copies of lottery tickets that they were pooling on and what happened was toner from the copier was spilling into the food. The guy who's food it was finally figured out where the shipper had hidden the food (ribs in this gross orange sauce) and he commenced chowing down but complained "did you guys do something to this, it tastes weird". After he finished he wiped up and had toner stains all around his mouth. These stayed for 2 days, this black ring on his lips. The shipper who was Nigerian called him "Sambo".
I think it all boils down to the situation where the dosing occurs. If it's a bunch of friends/teenagers and it's meant as a harmless prank (and for the most part ex-lax is not going to kill you) then no big deal. If it's someone doing this to harm (malice aforethought as Dump would say) then it's totally different.
Here's a case in point. When I was a teen I went to a party with a few friends who were tripping. I had said I wasn't going to do a hit because I had to work the next day and I'd be too burned out, normally I would have joined them in this situation. As the evening progressed I got pretty wasted and said "aw fuck it, I'm calling work and telling them I'm sick". I called the garage and left a message on the answering service while shushing everyone to shut the fuck up.
About an hour later I noticed I was tripping and I looked at my buddy Steve and he started laughing saying "You're gonna be catching something pretty soon" and I knew I'd been dosed. Had he not admitted it I'd have been pissed, had I said "I'll never do acid" I would have killed him, it all boils down to the intent (for him to have a buddy on his wavelength and have a good time). In the context of this story I'm sure it was meant as a lark between friends / family so no big deal.
Pranks like this between friends and family are pretty commonplace, I don't think the intent to injure was there so for me I enjoyed this tale.
Good thing I didn't get dosed with the brown acid, who knows what that would have done!
I think the person meant Anaconda Wrestler, but Spearmint would be best to answer.
Good story Dumpster, not only were you gracious enough to help a damsel in distress but you were so kind to clean up the nasty scene.
This is the only time I've read something that had Lawyer, shit and snake in a story and it left me with a positive feeling on the profession, well done.
Ken, let me congratulate you on a very fine rebuttal. I laughed uproariously on several points you made, possibly you could illuminate us on their significance.
I have had colonics in clinics, doctors offices and spas in over 3 countries and 5 states here in the US.
This sounds like a bit of an odd hobby, what is the best place for a tourist to get a hose up their ass? And do they accept American Express Travelers checks?
You obviously are new to colon hydrotherapy or you would have recognized that the Tummy Temple is a high class joint.
High class joint...TUMMY TEMPLE....maybe it's just me but the name certainly doesn't ring up there with other names signifying class, but I guess it's better than Billy Bob's Bung Blasting Boutique.
It is by far the nicest place I have ever received colonics.
I'll take your word for this, probably better than those dark ages years ago when things were done in a back alley with a regular garden hose. Possibly you could tell us a few stories on the less pleasant places you've been fortunate enough to have someone stuff PVC tubing up your ass, I'm sure we'd all enjoy reading it.
My previous post was in jest. I wanted to show that if you are going to be critical of a story at least put something down that is funny or thought provoking. I have NO DOUBT that punishit did in fact shit at a carwash, on his friends car seat and wipe his ass with his hand, some things are just too strange to make up. Accept my apologies if I have created any confusion.
P.S. Punishit, contact me, I have some great ideas to promote your band.
Awesome debut punishit! But this is FAKE! It's a rehash of an already famous incident!
Most people aren't aware but back in the day the Bay City Rollers were pretty hardcore metal, it was a similar instance to the above which actually launched them into the stratosphere with screaming teen girls, the record companies fearing this secret would get out did a massive image change to keep the truth from coming out but I have been on the trail for years and here is the TRUTH!
Many of you older PoopReporters will remember the Bay City Rollers for that hit Saturday Night. This was not the original name of the song nor is the bands name accurate.
Originally the band was Thrash Metal a cross between Black Sabbath and Sex Pistols, their name was Creeping Fescue and had limited success. It was an incident in a small Luce Bay pub by Stuart "Woody" Wood, (famous for his gargantuan turds with the consistency of Lodgepole Pine), that would open the door to riches for them.
It happened that "Woody" had consumed a few too many Guinness along with a heaping dose of dextromethorphan and Fanta (popular at the time)in a small pub in the town of Luce Bay. As they finished up the last set the combination of beer, cough medicine and Fanta caught up to "Woody" and he ended up darting into the alleyway and dropping his load all over a passed out drunken patron. Duff (always the prankster) was a witness to this horror and saw the drunk not even stir, so being the band was poor at this time he decided to alleviate the 6 quid residing in the now beshitted fans pocket, an act which is quite often referred to as "rolling a drunk". Woody, thought it was a hoot and was sure they wouldn't be caught as they were headed to Glasgow for a show the next evening.
As they travelled to Glasgow for their next gig they realized they needed to change their act to appeal to the harder core music fans in the depressed industrial town. The decided on Alan's idea of calling themselves "The Bay Shitty Rollers" an homage to Woody's act of defecating on a fan. They all laughed and carried on with copious pints in that van over the highlands of Scotland. Gordon "Nobby" Clarke (known for his prodigious wang) composed a tune to commemorate Woody's act. It consisted of spelling out the act as shown here:
S-H-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y night
S-H-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y night
S-H-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y night
S-H-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y night
Gonna keep on crappin' to the rock and roll
On Shaturday night, Shaturday night
Shittin' to the rhythm on an unsuspecting soul
On Shaturday Night, Shaturday night
I-I-I-I, I just can't wait
I-I-I-I, I got To defecate
[Chorus:]
At the good ole rock and roll road show,
I gotta go
Shaturday Night
Shaturday Night
Gonna rock it up, roll it up
Do it all, have a ball
Shaturday Night
Shaturday Night
It's just a Shaturday Night
It's just a Shaturday Night
It's just a Shaturday Night
S-H-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y night
S-H-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y night
S-H-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y night
S-H-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y night
Gonna dump on the drunk till the night is thru
On Shaturday Night, Shaturday Night
Tell him all the little things I'm gonna do
On Shaturday night, Shaturday Night
I-I-I-I, I GOTTA GO
I-I-I-I, I'm gonna let my ass blow
The next night in Glasgow they booked themselves as the Bay Shitty Rollers but were not prepared when Clive Davis from Arista records saw and heard them. He met them backstage and suggested a few changes to not only the name of the band but their new signature song, he also recommended they lose "Nobby" as someone with a wang that large is sure to scare off the girls.
What happened next is history, they went on to completely reinvent themselves as a bubblegum pop band with none of the menace which existed down in their souls, their fame was fleeting and most of the details of their humble beginnings were forgotten, until now.
Great PoopReport Pucker Up, I couldn't help shaking this song running through my head when I read the title, My Sharona...here's my interpretation of the events you experienced as performed by those one hit wonders The Knack:
Ooh my little filthy one, filthy one.
When you gonna give me some fine, Colonic?
Ooh you make my bunghole run, my bunghole run.
Gun it comin' off the fine Colonic
Never gonna stop, give it up.
Such a dirty hind. Always get it up for the touch
of the weirder kind. My my my i yi woo. M M M My Colonic...
Come a little closer huh, ah will ya huh.
Close enough to look in my browneye, Colonic.
Keeping it a mystery gets to me
Running down the length of my thighs, Colonic
Never gonna stop, give it up. Such a dirty hind.
Always get it up for the touch
of the weirder kind. My my my i yi woo. M M M My Colonic...
When you gonna give it to me, give it to me.
It is just a matter of time Colonic
Is it just destiny, destiny?
Or is it just a game in my hind, Colonic Never gonna stop, give it up.
Such a dirty hind. Always get it up for the touch
of the weirder kind. My my my i yi woo. M M M My Colonic...
Teachers are not required after teaching hours to be the moral guide posts to our children, that is your job along with you husband Chad. If we start expecting everyone in a position dealing with children to be a paragon of virtue I'm afraid we will have no one left to man the daycare centers while you get your beehive done and Chad has his Oldsmobile waxed.
What sort of expectations then do you have for the mailman that your little Jimmy might wish to emulate, should he start refusing to deliver any mail wrapped in a brown manilla envelope with a box number as a return address? What about his barber Floyd the town drunk, are you now going to take away the solace of his quart of Nikoff Vodka just because Jimmy might some day want to style hair????
And what about the mayor of your town? Are you going to march into his office and ask for detailed expenses uncovering his six trips to the Barbados over the last eight months with his personal assistants Trixie, Charlene, Juanita, LaFwanda, Mercedes and Quentin and then demand an explanation so poor Jimmy can rest easy knowing the man in charge of your town is free of taint (actually....nevermind)??????
This is the sort of slippery slope we are on if we are going to dig into everyones personal life and ask for explanations about ever little detail, just the other day I was paying my connection for three bags of smack and I started thinking "Is LT gonna start asking me about why I got that bondage rack for the addition to my basement and how am I going to explain it away if he does?"
We live in a free society Madame and I think it's high time people like you realized that not everything is covered in pastel coloured Formica.
This story just made the back page of our National Newspaper in Canada (a very popular reading area). As all you people know Canadians don't take this kind of stuff lying down, we stand up and fight to be the first to get that paper in the government approved blue recycling bin, carefully making sure that our papers are sorted according to type, should a mistake be made a small apology card from Hallmark is usually the best to keep those hard working Post Consumer Newsprint Handling Technicians happy.
As far as Stan goes, this is probably going to lead to a few art shows, maybe an appearance on Letterman or Leno and most likely a lawsuit that will scare the hell out of the county as this thing is now big news on the net. Usually an insurer will recommend cutting the losses rather than dragging something like this out.
I think that Stan was doing what a lot of people do, expressing himself and having fun, only he works for people who have no sense of humour. How many of us PoopReporters would be villified if our employer was aware of our alter ego on this site??? I would guess a few.
I think it's important to have decent teachers in school, I have a 14 year old in high school and I would not be troubled in the least to have an art teacher like this teaching her. He's a free spirit and this is something so lacking in todays education system. We are grinding kids up and expecting them to behave like automatons, these are some of the reasons education systems outside North America are producing some of the best students. They are encouraging them to find their space or place, not forcing them into a rigid mold to serve some provincial/state created test which awards regurgitation. My hope is Stan turns the tables on these jerks and makes them regret this assinine decision.
Good story, sorry about your boot (or in Canada we'd say sorry aboot your boot) but there is hope! A former publicist of Marla Maples has a bit of a fetish for female footware as seen here.
Now what we need to do is have you rent a limo and park it outside his place, when he leaves to go to work or whatever quickly open the door scream and say "stop him, he's got my boot" and toss the boot into the gutter". Chuck has already got a history so he will no doubt bolt and someone will probably apprehend him and if not you just 911 the police and describe him (always say he had a glazed look in his eye, cops love that). So now it's just a matter of having him raked over the coals by any third rate shyster, he'll fold like a cheap damask sideboard cover and voila, you will get a wack of money that you can replace those boots with and then get some really nice underclothes, possibly French Cut Silk Panties with a Tasty Merry Widow in a lustrous Chartreuse! Hope this helps!
Actually, ain't CEP a white and white man? As far as the smoking goes, what sort of idiot would rather smoke in a McDonalds washroom than outside, these are the kind of idiots that give smokers a bad name.
If I want my fix of Nicotine, Benzene, Formaldehyde, Hydrogen Cyanide, Carbon Monoxide and other carcinogens you can bet your bottom dollar I don't want to ruin the savory goodness with someone else's shit fumes....that's just nuts!
P.S. Anyone wishing to know how I really feel about C.E.P.'s comments on smoking should click here.
I congratulate Fart Poopie on an excellent report and the determination she and her hubby had in getting the "dirt" on this.
Firstly in this instance I believe the folks of Seattle and especially the people using these facilities are properly coined Seattioletans (correct me if I'm wrong Daphne). From reading this report it boggles my mind that some city politico could justify blowing this kind of money on an extravagance like this type of toilet, and for the user to experience anything less that a stunningly superior experience.
While I do see merit in providing public facilities and utilizing technology the kind of money mentioned by Joe citizen (1/2 mil per sounds about right) is a waste. Toronto is also looking at adding similar facilities in the downtown and I think several other options should be considered before going this route.
The fact a street person felt this money was a waste is usually a good indication of how flawed the idea is. Too often we have a council member being plied with glossy brochures, a few fine meals and a great pitch to "bring the latest in technology" to their city to "put it on the map" as a real leader. What they won't often say is that these savings in cleaning costs are more than a cover up of the extravagant costs of maintenance. So what if a city worker doesn't have to clean it, city workers will still be dispatched to ensure that everything is working as it should on a daily basis (as Poopie has mentioned) and furthermore the cost to maintain these will no doubt be born by the city (taxpayer).
Why not go low tech? A simple grouping of Port-a-Pottys visited on the same frequency and cleaned by a city worker (maybe a bum that is given the chance to rehab himself) and you not only lessen the capital expenditure by a few million but also provide a job to someone who wants a job and is willing to take anything.
My understanding is the minimum wage in Seattle is $7.63/hr, based on a 40 hour work week this tallys to $15,870.40 per year, now lets see...they have seven locations, lets assume it's too far to travel between them so we need to hire 7 individuals, so this works out to total cost of having a person on site for each washroom for 40 hours per week is $111,092.80 per year. Based on the cost of 3.5 mil for seven toilets we could have these people employed for over 31 years. Now I realize that this is not sound math but I'm trying to point out there is NO WAY that you can justify this expense and say "It saves money" or "provides a necessary service at a reasonable price". You could formulate so many other ways to provide the service of a public facility at nowhere near the cost to the taxpayer and at the same time reduce the number of people looking for entry level employment.
Toronto just got done spending $43 Million dollars INVESTIGATING (YES just Investigating!) a contract valued at a little over $100 million dollars and what they found (and this counts for all major cities)was that they had been led down the primrose path of saving money on something when in the long term that $100 million contract really was going to come in at about twice that when all real expenses were considered.
I hear Seattle is a terrific city, as I know Toronto is , but this idea and extravagance in my opinion is SHIT!
Not all PoopReports are going to please all readers, what I loved about this story was it is different from the usual. It's also a great story in how the writer chooses to focus on the positives in her relationship with the subject rather than the negatives and how he has brought so much joy to her and her daughter in spite of 31 visits to the hospital and having a 5 foot section of their colon removed.
You people that swallow CEP's Kool Aid need to know he is a military man with a real fucking hate on for most of the world, don't be so gullible.
I just took a wicked dump and a comment from Bowl Clogger Blogger showed up...does this mean I get a plus 1???
Hey Bowl Clogger Blogger, just so you know I've found many of your posts funny and have in fact given you +1 (another moderator has to find it funny as well for you to get the extra point) so I think your being a little anal here.
A lot of the people that spend time here appreciate what Dave and AB2K do to keep this site up and running, if it wasn't for them none of this would be possible so I think your comment above goes a little too far (still not in the negative points category for me though).
OK, so I like PooperGal was intrigued by the size of this roll of TP. I've done some research and come to the conclusion that this roll MUST have been made specially for show. If you look at the following site you will see that jumbo rolls of Scott tissue in the TCDF length, 3.75"w by 1000 sheets of two ply weigh in at 30lbs per case of 12. So each roll weighs 2.5lbs. Now a transport truck has a max loadable length of 52 feet, so you could fit 166.4 rolls in one long length in a truck. Multiply this by the weight of the roll and we only come up with 416lbs. What I'm hypothesizing is that this roll is not a monster industrial roll but a special roll, one for a trade show or some other venture.
This is certainly gross but this is PR, we should be passed the point of freaking out over someone who obviously does this to either please his wife or himself or both. We've had several urine therapy discussions that were equally abhorrent (they actually believe there are health benefits to it) so this posters eating a backdoor Kit Kat bar described without the normal fetishization attendant to this type of post is, while still gross, not something I think requires censoring. Good job Daphne, I would hope in the future I can show the same insight and restraint you did.
P.S. If it was his wife who ate it I guess the bar is called an EWWWW Henry.
This is the EPIC Hemorrhoid tale, so well written, funny, informative and just a pleasure to read.
I've never suffered from this and I wouldn't wish this on anyone (ok maybe CEP, but he's blocked up enough on his own, he's due, kinda like the Harlem Globetrotters opponents, the Generals are due for a win).
Now that I think about it isn't the name Globetrotters kinda interesting? They travel the world, eating all kinds of different foods, bet the Trotters part of that name has a great deal of significance in the shitting department. Maybe the nicknames they had were synonomous with their poops,(Goose, Pops, Geese, Curly, Wee Willie....ok maybe that had some other reference). Sorry to derail.
Out of a hundred I give this story a 98.762, you would have gotten a 100 from me Crapola if your pharmacist had scored you some serious painkillers that lead to you being blocked up and suffering an even further indignity. One of the best of the year!
This happens so rarely for me but when it does occur I make the most out of it. While many people here have called farts the "Butt Trumpet" few have mastered actually playing it. Like any normal guy I'm more "attuned" to the lower registers so I attempt to push as much gas out as possible all the while using said poo smeared finger to act as a damper much like a saxaphonist will trill notes by depressing the lever.
While this has been a rare occurance it has led to some spectacular performances if I say so myself. I've mastered imitations of the oboe, contrabassoon and have even had a short but piquant rendition resembling a sousaphone. I just had a spicy dinner of tacos and should things go poorly in the protecting the finger department later I will try yet again to perform "Flight of the Bunghole Bee"....in F....sharp!
I think I would have gone with the bleach solution, not only would you have gotten rid of the nasty ball burn but you could then have been sporting platinum pubes. You see all these men out and about sporting dyed hair, this is new ground you could have been breaking Dave, I'm sure it would even resemble an inverted Don King on closer inspection (not that I care to be the inspector, not that there's anything wrong with that).
TCDF, let me get this straight, you wash your hands after handling peppers BUT you won't wash your hands after taking a shit???? So lets look at the ramifications here, your body must be covered in poop particles, but no hot pepper particles. Is this aura of anus that you seem to be wearing for show? If you want the ladies to think you are hot I'd reverse your hand washing priorities, and at the same time maybe you should cut back on the dressing up as a woodland creature.
Fecal Follies, if you read Daves post carefully he marinated his nuts in vinegar. I kinda wonder if in preparation for Daves newest literary release he hasn't tried lining up all potential advertisers. I can see it now...Massengill announces new product line...ball douche, for those nights when things go horribly wrong, now available on line and from your druggists shelves, mention PoopReport and get 15% off. Dave, why vinegar? I think I'm gonna have some pretty weird mental images next time I have fish and chips.
Sounds like Captain Barnacle watched Admiral Ryan launch a skiff of his own, you were lucky the Captain didn't foment a pootiny. Great story Rectal Badger! I'll take it under advisement that shitting in a litterbox is a sure way to a womans heart, you'll excuse me I have to rub the corner of my head on the doorframe.
There is a reason it's called "a dogs life". Good one Runninggrrl2, I just finished talking with some folks on Madison Ave and they want to turn this into a American Kennel Club for IBS dogs commercial.
Scene opens up to you breathing deeply of a fine spring mornings air in your running attire, brand new cross trainers, nice cute shorts, a very sporty top, you jog down the street the neighbours all watching you and giving you a wave as you wave back. Scenes of you passing several landmarks in your town, a quick close up of a panic stricken look on your face, the camera pans to a shot of a concealing bush on the corner of your buildings lot. You dart for it, a massive crapping sound ensues as the screen fades to black. Next scene opens up with a neighbour holding his nose pointing at something at the edge of the bush, you stand with your trusty mutt leashed scolding him and camera fades to black again, final scene opens with you and your mutt playing on the couch, a voiceover comments "Consider adopting a pet with IBS, remember the ass it saves may well be your own". This message brought to you by incontinent dog lovers everywhere.
Well doniker, you state AM I ANY DIFFERENT THAN MOST PEOPLE?, I think you are, how many other people have been banned from PR and decided to pose as a woman (Candy) or another man (Burrito Gas)just to inflame other members, I think on this point you've proven to be more full of shit than other members.
As far as nitpicking goes, between yourself and CEP you two account for 90% of all negative comments to stories posted. I think I've been negative on two stories, one had a glaring fallacy regarding a Jewish Deli serving crab soup for breakfast and another was a love story that was somewhat dubious in accepting that women shit (and shamelessly at that). I always try to find a positive in a story where you try to find a negative, this is most likely rooted in your self esteem issues, much easier to bring people down to justify your own sorry state.
Regarding making things up, no, I don't, I will employ dramatic flare when describing dropping a deuce but the facts are true, whereas you tend to stick to very bland descriptions of your fecal follies, I think the reason for it is a lot of your imagination is dead due to drinking a dozen Bud Lights every couple of days, I was there so I know whatof I speak.
As far as making up a poopreport, no, just submit a story, I'll make one up. Not too hard to combine beer, hotfood (or fastfood), a nagging harpie wife, the mention of some minor money issue and a case of shamefulness and there we go...we have a doniker.
Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy your reports and you are an immensely popular writer here but if you could change your attitude just a bit you'd be a great PoopReporter rather than a tragic waste of talent.
Excellent report Daphne. One of the things most people won't be aware of is that the CBC is a completely publicly funded network (our tax bucks at work). Mr. Fournier was appointed to this position by a Liberal government and is no big fan of the Conservative government which has since been elected here.
While his comments regarding beastiality are bizarre by any stretch there is widespread misinformation about the acceptability of beastiality in Islamic countries, as far as I've been able to uncover there is no support for this behaviour, but there are many interpretations which could be misconstrued as permitting it.
Mr. Fourniers comments regarding shitting were completely taken out of context and this is usually the sign that there is an agenda behind the attack. The paper Daphne cites is a very conservative one which is pro war in Iraq, as close to right wing as we get here in Canada as a big news organization, it's the biggest supporter of the Conservative party so it didn't surprise me that there was no mention of the context in which his comments were made or the tone used.
Mr. Fournier is replaced by a person more in line with the Conservative governments agenda in spite of his past (uncontrollable budgets, shitty programming, bad management) he'll toe the line for the Conservatives until they can drum up someone even more to their liking.
Daphne, you could never be an animal mutilator, maybe a flight instructor to cats but that's not so bad as they have an efficient crash avoidance system.
Good reporting Poopie, The easiest way to make three ply would be to mount another tp holder above your existing one, put single ply on the top and two ply on the bottom and each time you go to use it just grab them together ...quite simple.
Now, I for one think Northern is on to a great marketing idea. They will no doubt charge a premium for this product but will you the consumer actually spend less to keep you ass clean or more, my guess is more as peoples wiping habits rarely change except when down to the last few squares (And I Can't spare a square).
Northern is probably using only a fraction of a percent more paper to create this new idea, they will have just decided to roll the other layers thinner and add an additional layer, which will make it feel softer because it's the air in the paper that gives it the softness.
I think what we need here is a mass weighing campaign to see who gives more paper per roll by weight than by sheets and such as all that does is cloud up the issue. We'd need to also remove the weight of the cardboard tubes. Who's up for some paperweighing?
My suspicions are that we will find some single ply paper that actually weighs more per roll than double ply but the quality of the fibers used to create it are too inferior to be fluffed and rerolled to provide a reasonable two ply tissue without huge added expense. Possibly what we as a group can then do is provide a cost benefit analysis to the manufacturer indicating a capital investment in additional technology to overcome these obstacles and create a superior product which can be produced using less cheap fiber, therefore increasing the competition in supplies of two and three ply tissue causing a drop in paper prices for you the consumer.
These are the things which make North America the economic engine of the world, our quest for the best for the least cost, while creating technologies which can be sold worldwide.
This story is NOT about her daughters therapy, this is a story of someone who was "outted" as a PoopReporter and how the cathartic effect of belonging and being an active participant on this site has provided her with a sense of not being alone with her problem of IBS and how it has in fact reduced the discomfort she previously had, much like what group therapy is designed to provide.
This is also a great tale of how she decided to confront someone who may or may not have prejudicial views about the site, and how she was able to say with pride rather than shame she isn't relying on medication or traditional therapy. She took the bulls by the horn and decided to "out" herself here. She has in fact eliminated the need in seeking traditional therapy to finding her own therapy obviating the need for traditional support. Not only that but she is proud of the fact she has been able to conquer something which in our society is still regarded as taboo. All of these things are what traditional forms of therapy are meant to address, to help reduce a persons feelings of isolation, discomfort, inadequacy and not belonging. And to top it all off she has succeeded! She cured herself!
Now for the diatribe (you doniker lovers should skip this...you've been warned).
Doniker, I think you are one of the most entertaining PoopReporters to have graced Dave's fine site, your Al Bundy hopelessness is so perfect that most people just love laughing at you and your fecal follies that they keep coming back for more, BUT your limited understanding of your own problems ends up polluting what quite often are extremely interesting and informative stories.
Out of all the Poopreporters on this site I can say without a doubt that we have lead very similar life paths, we both were hell on our parents, incorrigable, wild and self destructive. Your parents, like mine, sought to intervene and stop us from continuing in this vein. While you seem to harbour a grudge against your family for trying to help you from yourself you turn your anger at yourself to the outside world, the therapists that tried to help you, your family, your wife and anyone who could be smart enough to disagree with you. Pull out of this downward spiral, for fuck sakes! To achieve anything in therapy you need an open mind, and you have to ask yourself really fucking hard questions like "Am I really happy like this?", if your answer is no, then seek the ways to find happiness or eliminate your woes, you just expect someone to wave a wand and fix things, YOU have to fix them.
What would you do if your daughter (who you have mentioned often and is a great source of love and pride in your life) was abused??? Wouldn't you exhaust every option to make sure she was well and didn't have nightmares and developmental problems?
I know you love your daughter immensely and to criticize another parent for doing something they think is in the best interest of their childs well being is not consistant with your own personality, quit being doniker the dick and get back to being the funny and interesting guy you can be.
Diatribe ended...safe to proceed.
Congratulations Motherload on a very poignant and courageous story.
Hilarious story Grogan! Kids do the craziest things. I remember when I was about 6 we used to go to our cottage and there was a kid a few places down who I used to play with. One rainy day we were up in his room which was in the attic and rather than walking downstairs to go pee he just pissed in the corner which was just supported by ceiling tiles. I was shocked but he thought nothing of it and we continued to play. Every year I'd see him do this a couple of times until I was about 10, then I thought it was pretty gross and the whole cottage took on an air of stale pee, how his parents didn't figure it out I'll never know.
Anyways, years later his parents put the cottage up for sale and my Mom said "I'll really miss having Betty up there, but they really need to do something about that smell if they want to sell the place". I told my mom the story of Davy peeing in the corner and she laughed and said "I better call her and let her know". I was shocked she'd do this but my mom and Betty were really close.
Years later at my moms funeral I saw Davy for the first time in 20 years and the first thing he said to me was "Why did you have to go and tell your mom that". It was very funny. Davy is now a hugely successful forensic accountant.
Great story lauralouise7, what I really enjoyed about this one is you never gave up, I was kinda hoping your team mates would raise you on their shoulders but it's probably best that didn't happen.
TSV and DungDaddy have postulated some interesting concepts regarding the propulsive nature of this event. What I think they have missed is the BERNOULLI principle which states that in fluid flow, an increase in velocity occurs simultaneously with decrease in pressure. This principle is a simplification of Bernoulli's equation which states that the sum of all forms of energy in a fluid flowing along an enclosed path (a streamline) is the same at any two points in that path.
Now, we don't have an enclosed path here so what happens is that the fluid actually slows down significantly once past the O-ring, the resultant effect would be that this fluid would now act as a damper to an increase in speed.
DungDaddys hypothesis that the resultant fluid acts as a lubricating agent reducing the friction due to it's viscous nature is also incorrect in my opinion because of Parasite drag or form drag. As any pilot will tell you an aircraft is slowed by liquids due to the vortices they create on the surface around them, thus providing more resistance and an increase in energy is required to counteract this. Please bear in mind I am not an expert in either of these fields but have shit myself often enough to know the effects do not provide one with a burst of power.
Fart Poopie, tobacco is a gateway drug. First puff and Double Flush will be hooked, next it will be booze, then marijuana, acid, coke, crack, meth, pcp, mescaline, paint thinner, peyote, heroin, Mda, Extasy, Rohypnol, Ketamine, mushrooms, Quaaludes, Jimson weed, Khat, GHB and before you even know it he'll be making crazy ass comments and flooding the place with ramblings and inanities and not making any sense. Do you really want this to happen??? I think he'd make a pretty "IFFY" member if he did. I applaud DF's choice not to smoke.
Awesome report as always Motherload, this one was a true masterfece though. I do have a few questions, who fills out the bill of lading and how does the shipper decide he's ready to ship? Is there some quality control guy at the very end who takes a final sample and signs off on it? Sometimes we poop very small amounts and sometimes very large and from my experience it isn't always based on the volume taken in from the previous day.
P.S. I think my ass is now ISO 9001-2000 compliant.
Yet another conundrum, while my preferred choice was not there I answered nothing and am now about to post what I would have done. Firstly I would affix bright yellow caution tape in front of the washroom door, but instead of caution it would say "waarschuwen", which is Dutch for caution (I have a deal with a Dutch supplier). Next I would advise the host that the washroom is off limits and shall be sealed for no less than 6 months. During this time I will attend a university in Utrecht learning about modern artists, while perfecting my Dutch language skills. During this time I will dress entirely in black with a heavy woolen turtleneck (with a small nike swoosh on the right breast) and wear a small beret made of cheese, Freisekaas (the Dutch make lovely cheeses). Baring any unforseen delays I will return to the scene of the misfortune after serving no less than 2 months upon a Malaysian trading vessel while composing dark poetry about the possible mango famine in Senegal. As befitting a serious artiste I will assemble a retinue of flunkies, hangers on and reprobates to accompany me to the scene of the nasty happening, I shall take 2 black and white photographs of the destruction (using panchromatic sensitised Black & White film with medium speed ISO 100/21° and high speed ISO 400/27°), once the pictures are developed I will use them to scrub the residue of the stain off the toilet and shall offer them for sale at a minimum bid of $287,642.18, (plus 10% buyers premium) through Sothebys. After receiving the proceeds from the sale I will burn the check and completely tear assunder the pictures while raving "True art is not for sale".
You people that don't wash your hands after shitting are just plain fucking gross. By your own twisted logic I assume you don't shower as well until you can see a layer of filth on your skin. I'll take filthy North Americans for $2000. Alex.....Shit covered hands, shit covered bodies and just a filthy countenance in general is most like? Who are DoubleFlush and turd turdgutson? WHoooo EEEEE bring on the tournament of champions!
Migratory bung...this is what makes PoopReport one of the most entertaining sites around. I would venture to say that this is actually an evolutionary phenomenon we are witnessing. Gradually our bungs will move farther and farther up our backs and our entire digestive system will shrink accordingly. Before too long we all will have our assholes the other side of our head, just look, it's already happening in Washington.
I enjoyed this story very much Orpheus, you touched on a few things most men can relate to. While I've never had hemmorhoids I can imagine pulling anything out of your ass that leaves the bowl full of blood can't be a pleasant sojourn in a dewy meadow.
What makes me laugh is how often when a story brings up genitalia there are always a few posters that can't resist the urge to turn things into a debate on sexuality.
I consider myself a pretty normal guy (if you get past the alcoholism, numerous failed relationships etc). My experiences are probably a little more along the lines of C.E.P.'s than most (attended an all male school) was active in several sports and such and was exposed to the vast majority of male rituals (hazings, fights, etc). Never in those years did it occur to me that by looking at another man's penis would this lead to sexual attraction to another man, it's human instinct to be curious of others, to seek out information. Those who are scared of learning or opening their minds are usually of a particular stripe.
I played hockey in a beer league, guys from various walks of life would congregate at the local rink for a game. As we all shared a dressing room there would always be bawdy banter about women and such, a few guys were shy and were more apt to put on their jock and cup in the washroom, these guys would sometimes be teased but more often their privacy was respected. A few guys would make commentary on others "cranks", these were usually funny and meant not as insults but as jokes among friends. Most of us were circumcized except for one guy packing a "natural" as he called it. One of the other guys said "It looks like a pink and brown pinecone, can I get one for my Christmas tree", another guy was asked "Which way do the serial #'s run on the condoms you use, length wise or horizontal?", He repiled "They have serial #'s?" We all broke out in laughter but at no point did I think the person making the comment was sexually attracted to the other guy just because of him noticing a difference in the physiology of a team mates penis.
I think if you aren't comfortable with yourself , you'll be even less comfortable with others and this means you need to open your mind to see we are all different in some ways but for the most part we are all the same.
Motherload, sort of off topic here but here goes. I tried that tape idea you mentioned but I was all out of clear scotch tape so I used that heavy grey duct tape. Good news, no worms, bad news reverse ass mohawk (with pain). Besides Ron Popiels fine hair care products is there something I can use to camoflage this bare patch?
I had a severely broken arm as a five year old and learned early on to write and wipe with both hands, but recently I've discovered something even better. You know those big spinning tops infants get, the ones with the big plunger on the top that you press down to get it spinning? Well, I put a slightly moistened towelette on the end, get that top moving at about 35,000rpm and then squat over it, not only is my ass wiped but it's buffed and shines like a diamond, and if I'm really lucky next time I go to crap that top'll still be spinning.
You know I'm still feeling kind of bad about the treatment doniker got for trying to stick up for those kids. His well meaning but misguided post was from the heart. Maybe what we could do is start a little support group like Jerry Lewis does for Muscular Dystrophy, except of course we'd have doniker and all those cute little brown toothed kids sitting round him. We'd need a catchy marketable name, I thought donikers darlings was good but maybe someone can come up with something better. Remember, it's for the children.
I absolutely died laughing seeing C.E.P.'s two posts together. Read the first one, if this wasn't an apoplectic response I don't know what one is. Someone down California way please check on C.E.P., we may have lost the bugger.
I'm not too concerned about people knowing I'm crapping, I voted stall with partial walls and no lock. If someone opens my door they can obviously see it's occupied and at the same time that I've been exposed they have also been exposed (they need to poop) so it's not a big issue. I would not shit in a doorless stall unless in peril as that to me seems to be akin to showboat shitting.
Now any of you young'uns probably won't understand what I'm about to theorize but please bear with me.
Led Zeppelin wrote and performed the famous song "Stairway to Heaven". It has been picked apart by many including Christians, Satanists and other groups all to prove their own wacky ideas. The songs lyrics really make no sense....or DO THEY?
In the song midway through the following lyrics occur:
If there's a bustle in your hedgerow
Don't be alarmed now
It's just a spring clean for the May Queen
I believe these have been misinterpreted, Robert Plant being the bluesy vocalist he was could slur his lyrics and create many layers, some which would be very easy to hear, others which would only be apparent to the sophisticated listener. If you read Logjams account he states:
OK, here's my analysis: We now know that Logjam's toilet has the lid down (or does it?), we know both Dave and AB2K have attached bidets, we also know AB2K has a cat named Barkley who runs to the bathroom in the event of a storm (at least that's what she tells me). We also know Dumpster lives in the same home he grew up in (so an older style design and toilet is most likely, Gotta Go Girl is middle aged and being I've seen my fair share of middle aged womens bathrooms I belive my choice is obvious, to determine Cyanocobalamin's I'm going to go by process of elimination. So here goes.
Firstly I searched for some obvious signs like any sewer sleuth would, AB2K said the following in a previous post "Hell no! With the blue toilet in my main shitter I can barely see the skids", and the fact I know she has a cat and is fond of her pussy leads me to the conclusion that picture #6 is hers, also note the picture is taken at an angle that conceals her buttwasher.
Let us move on to our esteemed host Dave, he mentioned last year under a post regarding cleaning the plunger "And so my wife and I find ourselves reaching for the plunger more often then we'd care to admit. A few times a week is not unusual", so this would indicate the plunger would be at the ready, I see only 1 plunger in any of the pics so my vote for Dave goes to #3 (somewhat ironic being that he's the creator of this fine site, I swore he would have placed his pic as #2 in a subtle yet obvious jibe at us members).
Now on to Dumpster, who has informed us he lives in the same home he grew up in, while it is easy to upgrade a bathroom Dumpster doesn't stike me as one who would concern himself in this regard, his bathroom will be utilitarian, functional and unemotional, (somewhat akin to his profession of lawyering), it is for this reason I say his washroom is #4, it is an older commode, there are no female decorations and also there is a scale close by (Dumpster has mentioned his monitoring his weight here before so I believe this one is bulletproof).
Gotta Go Girls washroom has so many obvious signs of femininity I feel like I'm intruding. Carefully review #2 and tell me that pink towels, 4 bottles of various hair and body washes, multiple brushes and assorted paraphrenalia are the signs of a man and I will say "What planet are you from, Frigmore?" Like the signs on the Nazca Plains the signs in picture #2 point to Gotta Go Girl.
Now here is the conundrum I expected with this challenge, LogJam in his most devious way has alluded to putting down the lid of a toilet for a picture, he doesn't state he did but makes one more susceptible to believe he did. Good try LogJam, but the ruse is as thin as the nylon on my girlfriends thong. It is obvious that bathroom #1 is Logjams.
So By process of elimination piture #5 belongs to none other than Cyanocobalamin.
I think maybe a floral motif vinyl wallpapering and a delicate potpourri along with the musical stylings of Kenny G could have brightened up that washroom. These are the kind of ideas you need to present to management if you want to get ahead.
Man, I'm speechless. To be immortalized in Pooetry and a cartoon is a joy I shall be able to pass on to, well actually I'm kinda shy that way. A big thanks to the Dumpster and Mike Paglia for their fantastic work.
CEP without realizing it has acknowledged women shit! Big first step CEP, congratulations, although it was acknowledgement by omission each lttle step helps.
GGG, we all have moments where our shamelessness can be tested. Best thing to doo is put this shitscapade out of your mind and start fresh. Next time leave the meeting when the call arises, you'll be surprised no one really notices it (they may tihnk you had a call you needed to make). It's better to poop during the meeting than immediately after because usually there are others that need to go after and then you are dueling for stall placement. Remember that famous quote: "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again".
CEP's comments for the most part lack hate, they may be not what some of us agree with but I don't see malice as part of his agenda. He can dish it out...oh yes he can, but he can also take it.
CEP, come over here, I think we need a big hug ya lug!
Good debut report Dumpster, a classic catch (twenty) 2 situation. Anyone with children will remember the lines from that show "the Magic School Bus:
Cruisin' on down Main Street
You're relaxed and feeling good,
Next thing that you know you're feelin'
A massive burst of doood?!
Surfin' on a sound wave
Then you're swingin' through the pass,
Take a left at your intestine
Take your second right past my ass
On The Magic School Bus, Navigate a colon,
Climb on The Magic School Bus, crank a rank one, too,
On our Magic School Bus (Raft a river of butt lava),
On the Magic School Bus (Such a fine thing to dooo)!
So strap your bones right to the seat,
Come on in and don't be shy
Just to make your day complete
You might get served ass pie!
On The Magic School Bus,
Step inside, it's a wild ride!
Come on! Ride on The Magic School Bus!
A limerick competition said Butterz
A raised eyebrow and then Dumpster mutters
If he thinks he can win
His heads all a spin
And the man is likely plum Nutterz!
I've seen many a sketchy birthday celebration food being served at workplaces but NEVER anything as odd as a Meatloaf Koala, CRIKEY! Glad you made it out alive.
My suspicions are that Mr. Tudball was unhappy with the performance of his staff and rather than face the unpleasant task of terminating everyone at Christmas time used the dreaded ruse of the meatloaf Koala as a poisoning method hence everyone would go home for the holidays, be sick, die and leave him free to replace you all with cheaper temps and interns. Authorities would investigate but most likely chalk it up to bad foods served over the holidays and he would be scot-free to use the savings he generated to purchase a state of the art hair weave and vacation with one of the new young interns.
To answer some questions, the dog was epileptic, Gail had rescued him as an abandoned dog several months earlier so this may have been the reason he was abandoned. Read up on Spanials as TSV said, it's a fairly common genetic problem.
As far as walking home, or waiting for Gail to get water, she was worried Barney was going to die. He was shaking like a leaf and looked not well, it was just above freezing and we had light jackets because we weren't planning on spending a great deal of time there. Where we were was about 10 minutes from a store and 25 minutes from her home. Take a look at the link Dave provided (thanks Dave) of this place and you'll see there really isn't any place to go to to get near shallow water, it is an inlet of a major river, we were on the west pier.
As far as why Barney's poop was liquid and green, no idea, but after looking at a site that talks about epilepsy in spanials it did say cold is one of the triggers to an attack.
I belive AB2K coined the model she and her husband used as "the Butt Washer"here, no shame in that either, a good manly ass cleaning can be had by both. If I was in charge of marketing I'd have a tv ad that said.
"Tired of a chaffed ass and too much wiping? Wouldn't you rather relax after a long night of drinking by having someone else do your dirtywork?" Now you can, the proud makers of The Butt Washer and The Buttsink have combined together to create the most enjoyable experience a man can have on the toilet, that is still legal in all States.
With our patented state of the art rectum revival system you too can remain skid free and clean as the day you were born. Don't be fooled by those sissy European posers, our systems have been designed by men, for men but the ladies will love it to.
Act now and we'll throw in the commemorative Dale Earnhardt attachment, so when you race to the toilet your toilet will keep up to you.
I like how C Everett Poop claims not to have the bunghole sprayer but is mute on the debt for the camel sex. It's ok C.E.P., we know it gets lonely out in the field.
The big problem with generating energy or processing sources of it is you need huge amounts of raw material in one location for the manufacture of a processing facility to make any sense.
These amounts of poop may seem large but they are tiny when you look at the cost of manufacturing a processing facility. Case in point would be our oil refineries. I think since 1982 there have been no significant facilities built because economically the oil companies don't see the investment of a billion dollars (cost of a large facility) as providing any benefit to their bottom line, a half a million barrels extra of oil processed each day is not going to benefit them or the consumer.
The USA consumes between 15-17 million barrels of oil per DAY, using industry figure of approximately 19 gallons of gas being produced by each barrel of oil you are talking about 285-320 million gallons per day, now look at it in relation to the volume of cow shit in Japan. Solutions of say 1-5 million gallons per year are not feasible for a product selling at $3.00/gal, we need solutions for the 200-500 million gallons before any facility would make sense. So now the reverse math tells us we'd need 121 times as many cattle as the Japanese have to make 1 refinery possible, and yet this would still not provide the USA with one days supply of gas. Problem is the resources that many extra cattle would use and greenhouse gasses that many cattle give off would cause us more problems and use more resources than it would generate.
As I said earlier, this idea is not feasible, that's one of the reasons it's being studied in Japan by an "agriculture engineering professor" instead of a chemical engineer or mechanical engineer, it's not a solution.
The reason I felt this was weak was because I really didn't shit my pants, it was at best a category 3 shart as TSV has so wonderfully provided us with definitions as seen here.
For Dumpster, as most poopreporters will tell you quite often reading someone elses story will jog the memory of a past event, that's what happened here. Oh, for CEP, Dave had this story LOOOONG before he had Dumpsters Reagan tribute.
Good report AB2K, I wonder about the feasibility of such a project as the amount of gas produced seems fairly low in relation to the amount of material that will be nedded to be processed for the extraction.
Daves figure for the volume of gas produced is correct.
To simplify: First we need to know how much gas will be produced per pound of shit:
16oz = 1 lb so, 16/3.5*.042=.192 fluid oz per pound of shit
Now we need to know how many pounds of shit we have: 551155*2000(ton) = 1102310000lbs
Now we need to see how many oz of gas will be produced so:1102310000*.192=211643520oz
Now we need to convert the oz to gallons, 128fl oz to gallons so: 211643520/128=1,653,465 US gal
For our British friends it would be .83271*1653465=1,376,856.8 Imp gal
What strikes me here is that in Canada we have just started ramping up the oil sands project, it takes 2 tons of sand to produce one barrel of oil, which is then refined to provide about 19.5 gallons of gas and countless other products such as heating oil, kerosene etc.
So if we compare the volume of raw material to produce gas from shit it is 666.67 lbs of shit per gallon versus the oil sands (the least commercially viable oil extraction process currently working)205.1lbs of sand, plus with the sand you end up with all the extra products.
While I agree it's important for us to find other methods to obtain energy I think the above will not be viable in our lifetime.
I don't know if I'd want a turd ball bouncing around next to my one eyed spitting trouser snake and his hairy cousins but that's just me. I think your Dad was a real trooper here, did you get him noseplugs for fathers day?
I worked with a Mr. Big Stench and he was one of the funniest guys I've ever worked with. He'd drop a bomb everyday at roughly the same time and the girls in the purchasing department whose office was directly across from the washrooms would always close the door when they saw Ron go into the can. After Ron was done he'd always open the purchasing offices door and say "good morning ladies, which one of you dears is wearing that intoxicating perfume?" or something similar along those lines and then go back to his office.
Every day at lunch time he'd come by my office and pretend to pee in my coffee cup, EVERYDAY for 3 solid years, there would be days where I was on the phone with someone and I'd have my mug in my hand and he'd wouldn't leave unless I moved the mug over towards him so he could do his fake pee. His job title was "Director of Quality Systems".
I think this is a piece of art. There are lot of criticisms about how art should be presented these days. I've read that all art is shit. It is consumed no differently than a Big Mac and then excreted until the next morsel comes along to fill the void, much like our digestive tract.
This reminds me of a section of a book I read called "The Negative Dialectics of Poodle Play" which is a scholarly tome analyzing the merits of Frank Zappa as either a serious artist or a buffoon.
Much of Zappas oevre consists of music which is terrifyingly difficult to play and transcribe by even the best orchestras and conductors, yet intertwined through all his works are pieces best described as scatological, obscene and stupid. He was asked many times why he did this, was this the route to commercial acceptance (hardly). He felt no particular piece was better than the next, it was all designed to be consumed (listened to) some would find merit where others didn't but this didn't mean one was better than the next they were still consumed.
He believed because no artist is particularly free to create anything without some form of sponsorship or economic support all art becomes consummable and is destined to become waste at some point.
Wim Delvoye's piece creates what it one day shall become...Waste, through a different organic process, oxidation etc. I find it pretty entertaining in a lot of ways, and usually that's all the artist is trying to do...entertain.
Like The Big Wiper I'm not convinced this is one of our normal scientific polls. I'm a tad confused that my preferred method wasn't stated as I believe it's superior to all. My toilet sits directly across from my bathtub/shower. What I do is use the shower curtain rod like a gymnast would the uneven parallel bars, I get myself spinning spread my legs and just before dismount let my bowels go. If my poop hits the wall it's a 7, top of toilet tank is an 8, front of toilet tank is a nine, toilet seat is a 9.5 and if I hit it in the bowl with no skids anywear it's a ten.
Scat-O-Logical, basically what bugged me about the post was the story boils down to you publicly professing your love for a Poopreporter but doing so couched in one of the thinnest possible shit stories ever to grace these pages, knowing they would see the story and be all enthralled with your prose. It's like a couple of teenagers exchanging notes in high school...boring.
Good story Dumpster! I certainly hope when you said "I found an old sweater in the back seat and casually wrapped it around my waist like the cool dudes do." you were joking, if not please feel free to join my new site www.fashionmistakesbymiddleagemenandthewomenwholaughatthem.com
Chuck, great comment, that reminds me of a time I was on a jet to Vegas, a stunning woman was seated next to me reading "Sexual myths of North America". As the flight progressed we began chatting, I mentioned that the book she was reading certainly seemed intriguing, she said "It's funny but most North Americans believe African American males have the largest penises while in truth the Aboriginal North Americans have the longest penises and Jewish men have the thickest, by the way my names Gloria". I said "Nice to meet you Gloria, my name's Tonto, Tonto Goldberg ".
Excellent story Rectal Badger, I'm reminded of two Jewish proverbs on this occassion, firstly for your fiance: "Don't be sweet, lest you be eaten up; don't be bitter, lest you be spewed out", sounds like he played this one in reverse.
For doniker:"What you don't see with your eyes, don't invent with your mouth".
Ah Dumpster...let's sing a little song shall we:
I'll take the high road
You'll take the low road
And you'll be in diapers before me.
AB2K's story proves it doesn't have to be long on gritty details or involve overly florid language to be a highly entertaining poopreport. Remember it's not the destination that is so enjoyable, it's the journey in getting there.
Good fast thinking SamDamnit, I bet those 2 guys thought you were pretty cool, and nothing like teaching good Christians the value of the little white lie. "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of a pooped bed, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Thou preparest a clean bed before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with shampoo, my poops no longer runneth over."
Excellent report, so many funny things, iron ass, crapitalism, shitsicles, cannon fodder and you doing the peg leg dance, I talked to Polly, he doesn't want a crack...errrr.
Good one TD, har , har, har. Man I wasn't going to comment on this story but looks like I'll have to now. Shitting on a stereo is absolutely despicable, I've had many a blackout myself and the worst I could manage was pissing in a potted palm tree in a friends livingroom during a New Years Eve party, everybody assumed I thought I was outside, fortunately my friend was understanding and his wife was puking in the can when it happened. I apologized the next day when advised of my nefarious behavior and compensated them for a new palm (my friend actually just ran water through it and kept it, and it's still healthy, quite the conversation piece I must say.
Right you are Dave but remember the partitions are painted mild steel sometimes galvanized steel (more corrosion resistant and more $)and moisture along with the solvents used in cleaning will cause corrosion, also if the wall goes to the bottom you will now have an area that is difficult to clean (the crack at the bottom), by having the bottom open the cleaner is free to sweep his mop from side to side with no encumbrances, he doesn't have to take care, just back and forth and he's done and move on to the next. If there is a wall or joint it acts as a trap for not only water and cleaning solvents but piss and shit, you want to minimize the time and effort the cleaner spends returning the facilities to a pristine condition.
As someone who has worked in the metal fabrication industry cost is the #1 overriding factor in the design of stalls. Seamless corners are very expensive to produce as well the transportation of one piece constructions also becomes prohibitive. It's much simpler to manufacture and transport flat pieces requiring minimal hardware to assemble. Most stall walls fall well short of reaching the floor because it complicates cleaning and adds unnecessary expense in added materials.
If you visit some finer restaurants and hotels you may come upon structures made in faux stone and marble which are seamless but this is usually an indication that your bill for services will be commensurate with the decor.
I absolutely HATE it when threads get derailed so badly. The question here as I see it is why can't women be comfortable with a natural body function. If she was shopping for instance and had to use a public lavatory (or works)
shouldn't she be allowed to release a big fat jobbie which makes a loud "Kersplosh" sound as it falls into the pan? I say yes.
Also, in light of SamDamnit's most recent revelation I believe it is every Poopreporters responsibilty to visit the forums and see exactly what sort of leader he is, I publicly called for his impeachment and hope the rest of you agree and support me in my quest to find a unifier, not a divider, to lead us.
Dumpster, you said "After all, I am divorced, and, even though I was the innocent party" and further said "Let he who is without sin among you...". So you were innocent as judged by whom....who should not be judging.....hmmmmmm, let me just state from my own sordid past, there is no such thing as an innocent party in any relationship, we are all fallible, we make mistakes.
Peoples sexuality on this site has become a contentious issue for some, I for instance have been getting NO SEX of late, and after the most recent letdown by SamDamnit's bevy of busty babes I'm getting even more contentiouser, and this really affects the quality of my posts. So if you ladies want quality posts from yours truly your gonna have to give up some lovin for Old Bunga, by the way, I don't care if you smell up my washroom, just make sure you don't use the guest soaps.
When I was growing up my mother used to blast some hellacious farts, partly due to gall bladder problems. She'd excuse herself, apologize profusely but there was always a little glint in her eye. She'd been a nurse so she'd seen and heard it all and never castigated us for a natural function, (farting in my little sisters face when pinned down was another matter).
From the very beginning I understood women are truly equal in all respects, to believe otherwise would be folly, as stupid as thinking women are more desirable if they have a gaunt hollow Euro model look that advertisers capitalize on to sell junk to perpetuate these fallacies and enrich themselves off the guilt they are selling.
I have no problems with women taking a dump or letting a fart go, it's kinda cute that they feel comfortable enough to be themselves around you.
I know someone will bring up my Regret story so I'll say now there were a lot of things that were wrong with that relationship before she crapped her pants and for the sake of the story I didn't feel they had a place.
Ladies, free yourself from these morons who want you to act like those vapid characters you see in the media, be yourself, you'll be surprised at the number of men who will still hold the door for you...especially the bathroom door.
So, KOC if I were to say your witty rejoinders and positively troglodyte prose has enlightened us to your vast knowledge of scouts, paintball fast food and the inability to actually make a post which consists of more than 20 words with less than five spelling errors, you'd be both happy and sad?
Encore, encore! It strikes me as ironic that an uplifting musical would be playing in the Stewsburg Opera House when by all means it should have been a tragedy, possibly Rigoletto by Verdi as you sir have provided the finest liberetto of the ass anyone could imagine and I am certain something died there that night.
Di Uhreea, a pirate says ye, ah me fair and fine doxie, the keel hauling meself had t'mine wunt what ye be tinkin, that goe for all da lass o'poopreport, I's yet to see a scuvy dog among ye. Join me in a cup o grog and a roll in de scuppers. ARRRR Arrrr Arrr
KOC, both you and I have admittted on this site to shitting in the woods, why are you getting upset over it? Where's that har, har, har and witty retorts you've become so famous for.
To the Moderators, maybe you could curry together a sampling of the dreck you're forced to remove to maintain a level of quality on the front page, post it in the forums under ill winds or something. At least the curious will be satisfied (that would be you KOC, har, har, har).
Paula, I keep getting "The number you are calling is out of service, please try your call again". Anyway, hope things are going well, love what they did with your nose (I remember how it tickled down there), if you're ever back up this way again maybe we can go out to Tasty Freeze, I know how you like a good picnic table sit down dinner, maybe I'll even bring a bottle of your favorite, Lonesome Charlie.
Yes, I would have to agree with you AB2K, any comparisons between Dumpster and Trashcanman are positively Gwisdalian in nature and should be avoided. I mean this honestly and truthfully.
Sincerely
Bunga
Din
Hey Trudy K get your facts straight. Firstly this person became an C.N.A., you don't do that in five minutes, second she had been on the job over a year when this happened and thirldy she's only been married at most for 5 years tops, so take you negative attitude and criticism elsewhere asshole, this was a story well told of a shockingly common ordeal that people in the nursing fraternity suffer. And I admire the fact she can keep her sense of humor about this whole thing and throw it in her husbands face.
Di Urheea, at an all guys boarding school in the 1970's even a 100% shameless shitter would not take credit for a grogan of these dimensions.
I've omitted some things from this story that in retrospect might have been pertinent and enlightening.
In the 1970's teen guys of this age were constantly bombarded with the insult of "fag, queer, gayboy etc" if you did not go along with the prevailing neaderthalian wisdom. I'd like to say I wasn't one of them but I was, out of a feeling of wanting to belong rather than actually believing it.
When we were debating who could have left this massive turd it was originally surmised that only a "fag" could have an ass this big to drop this bomb (likely this was dropped by an extremely shameful and backed up shitter). Many guys speculated the "fag" was a Chinese student or a Mexican student or one of the brainiacs...why, because they were not like the majority, white, and homophobic. We had several students who were scholastic geniuses and they were constantly derided as "gay". Some of these guys quit due to the taunting and abuse they suffered at the hands of the "Lerches" of the school. My guess is that the majority of those Lerches were in fact so insecure in their sexuality that they became the uber machos to counteract their own feelings of inadequacy. Quite often these were the guys who never
showered at normal times and changed in the bathroom stalls because they were ashamed of themselves and their small dicks, these guys usually also bragged about how many "chicks they'd fucked and cocksuckers they'd beaten up". It was a considerably less enlightened time than today.
In all fairness to Pill Pooper he has admitted his crime of retaliating, he is facing justice and he has accepted there will be a significant price to pay, with either fines, jailtime and quite likely a civil suit being launched.
These incident of fights around hockey are quite common, unless there are adequate referees and staff to prevent flare ups these will continue.
While we don't enjoy hearing of someone being hurt we do enjoy the repercussions of a shameful shitter being subjected to the most shameful situation, that of no privacy and no escape.
doniker, you chose to comment that "Senseless violence is what is wrong with this world...", I've read enough of this site and your posts to see that your verbal violence which has been senseless in the extreme to so many people here has led to many quality individuals choosing to go elsewhere for their entertainment because of your bullying. Either walk the walk or don't talk the talk.
You drawing beads on me is making me kinda uncomfortable, your from New Orleans right, does this mean I gotta show you my Man mammeries? I just hope you like my manssiere.
It's always nice to see a fantastic story from the forums make it to the front page, good story Dumpster, you may not know it but some of the best writing has the same origins as this gem. My favorite of all time would be Chip Browns, I-75 story, also retrieved from the forums. You've entered PR sacred ground.
You sound like you're pissed already Dumpster. I thought you were a high ranking member of your church, a law professor who has taught Nancy Grace? And here you are drunk, and hanging around making crazy ass comments. You're like a fake Mr. Lahey from Trailer park boys, please tell me Hermione doesn't dress up in a Bumblebee suit and you don't dress up like Indianapolis Jones.
Close up of a defective wheel on a shopping cart, camera pans back to reveal to soup can sized ankles swathed in crusty socks jammed into a ratty pair of North Star running shoes (they were a cheap 2 stripper here in Canada). The wheel keeps squeaking and seizing up, her foot goes to kick the wheel and the sole of the shoe shows it's seperated from the rest, camera now moves quickly to herface and it's just like that crying Indian in those pollution commercials but then *plink* she's magically transformed into a super hottie on the tennis court leaning over the net to retrieve balls from the other side, pink fuzzy balls and as the camera moves from macro on the underside of her cute virginal white tennis skirt and pans down her silken thighs to her taut firmly shaped calves we get to...Gotta go be right back
By the way Dumpster, don't encourage C Everett or you'll end up in Montana, carrying an AR5, eating beef jerky, debating on different fatigue styles (I believe he's a Michigan Militia fatigue guy, but I could be mistaken)and reading books like, "kitchen improvised home expolosives" and "knife fighting for fun and profit".
ad. Sorry about that, thought I was having a heart attack. First let me say welcome, The Dumpster, just trying to have some shits and giggles with you, as well, most of my poop stories have outed me as an habitual adulterer, so i just thought I would let you know we agree to disagree, but that's ok here too. There really isn't much that isn't appropriate here other than the shit/piss fetishists and others of similar perverse ilk. Regarding Kipling, never Kipled, but if it's like felching, I'll take a pass. Welcome aboard.
Let me clear up a couple of misconceptions, firstly I smoked like a fiend before I went to rehab, I have since quit, Shawn brought up some valid points in that there is a whole industry centered around addiction and they do have a lousy track record and his comment that a few make it is because they want to is central to the story. As the story mentioned I was there with an 8 timer, we had several 2 and 3's as well. Rehab works only if you make the choice to change your life, if you are forced your chances will be lousy, if you think it doesn't work because you've seen it not work, it won't, it's called a self fullfilling prophecy. I was honest with myself, I wanted change, they gave me tips but I did the work, but still ended up shitting myself.
Urine Therapy is for kooks, about as useful as healing stones and other new age claptrap. If you're into urine therapy I have some aroma therapy you might wanna try.
Costco, just today I'm doing some shopping, feeling backed up walking the ailse and realize I may have to crap. I hate shitting in unfamiliar territory but I know I can't make it all the way home, no other place on the way is familiar so I do all to hold it, let off a couple sbd's, go down the housewares row (empty) to pinch a few more and I turn the corner and there low and behold in big bold letters it says "PRODUCE CAKES PIES", I laugh realizing that is exactly what I'm gonna do, produce a cake or a pie, went to their can and it was immaculate, spacious, good tp and even better...empty, downloaded and left. We're having a lot of snow here so that's why it was empty.
I compared the stones and broken coccyx because I've had stones twice, it hurt but the broken tailbone was severely fractured and it was a very long haul. Don't feel bad about laughing, that's what this is here for. P.S. The worst thing about the accident was I ended up losing a great deal of my hearing due to the severity of the concussion. I was out for over 15 minutes.
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If you take a look closely at this graphic it seems they have a person(s) bent over releasing ass aroma directly into the cabin, they also show the circulation patterns of this, showing how nowhere in the plane is safe from this odiferous onslaught. Why they do this is anyones guess, my thinking is they want you off that plane as fast as possible, and what better way than to make each trip a bummer.
"
OH
At bottom in very small type "See reverse for details"