I`m just surprised that a thrift store has a toilet, what a waste of money. The cheap and thrifty way is to have a door marked "Toilet" which leads directly out into the alley.

Problem solved.

There`s only one person that could have been - Scummy.

My dangling tagnuts double up as an impressive wind chime when I fart.

The same as always - I sit there and contemplate how best to achieve world domination.

As long as your hoop`s over the bowl
You can squeeze that turd out your asshole
It doesn`t matter
If there`s some splatter
It`s all in the pan - you`ve scored a goal

Here`s an easy solution. Find a dog and let it sniff your crotch and ass region. If it gets a boner and humps your leg, you`re OK. But if it cocks its leg and pisses on you then it has recognised that you smell like a dirty toilet and should be used as one.

I don`t have a dog, but if I did this situation would never arise as it would have been trained to use the toilet like the rest of the family.

Well, Poodemonium - in a way I think that this playing at politicians was a valuable experience for you. It turned you into one of them for a few days (metaphorically speaking) - an asshole that can`t stop spouting worthless shit. Hopefully this has taught you never to take up politics as a career.

I`m glad to see that you sprayed almost every toilet in the building, but I`m not sure if sharting in the shower is really the done thing. Good story.

The problem of shitting in strange stalls
With graffiti scrawled upon the walls,
Is that you`ll read an ode,
Not consider your load
And finish up with turd spattered balls.

(well...if you`re a guy with diarrhea, that is)

Isn`t Dumpster the Crap Lawyer.

After releasing those poison gas clouds, how many fish went belly up on the surface, Bull? You`ve invented a new way of fishing.

"If you can smell this, I have a problem"

MSG: no need to worry. Children learn all they need to know about colons, and their uses and functions, in English class.

Doc, I`m worried, I can see both your hands and the nurse hasn`t taken the `scope out its box yet.

Is this situation
Common in your nation?
To find a yank
In his septic tank,
Head down in consternation.

I can see two options here, droogie, both involving the bathroom lock:

1. Locking the door activates the fire alarm.

2. Locking the door activates the continuous playing of Wagner`s "Ride of the Valkyries" from Apocalypse Now at full bore.

Both options will immediately clear the room, letting you open the bomb bay or strafe the swamp with your chain gun in peace.

There are 4 main ethnic groups inhabiting the archipelago, who grudgingly get on with each other.

They are, in order of greatest self importance: Analites, Grogans, Sphincterines and Coprolites.

The national dress is brown dungarees, worn commando style.

Can`t really see what the problem is here. It`s a poop chute - where else would you expect to find turds?

Bizarre story, Wiper. Maybe he was developing Tertiary Syphillis - there are reports that at least one famous philosopher had this and it caused him to start to collect his stools.

Tom was starting with his tagnuts and winnets, no doubt to progress onwards to a proper log collection.

Well, look on the bright side - at least you weren`t humping your wife at the time.

My bunghole is also my shrink. When I sit on the pan, I consult it with my problems. It always responds loudly, in a frank and positive manner.

Every member of the UN should have a photo taken of their President or Monarch shitting on the throne. Each time a country is mentioned, the relevant photo would appear on a massive screen in the meeting room.

Hamster, I was imagining you doing a sketch from Monty Python`s Ministry of Silly Walks. The "trying to keep this turd in my ass shuffle" from the Tube to the conference.

Complete with briefcase, rolled up umbrella and bowler hat.

It`s one of 2 things O Ring:

1. You are decomposing.

or

2. Something crawled up your butt in the night and died, and it`s decomposing.

Remember that you guys are just thinking about the odd fart that humans do each day. Unless you`ve been chowing down on beans and stuff, you`re only going to pop out a few wisps of colour.

Once you get near a cattle or sheep farm, you won`t even be able to drive past it being blinded by the red or blue or whatever coloured air.

Great story Poo, let`s have some more.

I hope that magnificent firehose impression hasn`t put you off further travelling. If you went to Egypt for the ancient history I can highly recommend Libya, among many others. Totally different as they have had no tourist trade before now. No-one hassles you, tries to sell you stuff, or rips you off. Fantastic people, excellent food, and the best Roman sites anywhere in the world.

Simple rules of travel (from 25 years of experience in over 100 countries) - don`t eat dairy products, including ice-cream; peel all fruit and veg; no hotel buffets as the food is kept festering for hours. Drink plenty beer.

Take good TP for emergencies. Immodium has only one use - to postpone the inevitable, but is great if you have a long bus journey and don`t particularly want to crap yourself en-route.

If you do get the shits, starve yourself for 24 hours and drink lots of water with a little salt and sugar mixed in to re-hydrate. Then eat rice and bananas if possible. Then drink more beer, a lack of which was probably your downfall in the first place.

Interesting outlook A & A: a bit like a Knightly quest for the Holy Grail of toilets; a lifelong search for the Xanadu in shitting experiences.

It may start as embracing difference and toleration, but would eventually lead to a Masonic Brethren of Shitters, however - a private club with dodgy handshakes, rolled up trouser legs, strange regalia and initiation ceremonies.

This unwarranted situation deserves stern and forthright action, military fashion.

I would have covered my hands in TP gloves and lobbed them hand-grenade style back into his stall while shouting "Feces in the hole!".

I worked close to an elephant orphanage in Sri Lanka for a year, and spent most of my lunch hours there watching them and feeding the baby ones, as I ate. Prodigious amounts of crap would come out of even the youngest, and a 5 pound load hurts like hell if it lands on a foot with just flip flops on.

An amazing sight, however, was the monthly elephant race when they rounded up all the local working bull elephants for a race across the park. Maybe 8 or 10 would turn up and as soon as they were lined up with their mahouts on board they started to get massive erections. Now these are 3 feet long or more, and once they started charging across the field their poor engorged schlongs were battering along the ground as they ran. You`d think that it would have been pretty damn painful, but it never stopped them or put them off their stride.

Real men.

That`s me DP - a no-nonsense Proctoneurologist.

There`s a genetically modified clam in each shell. The shitter places the clam shell by his soiled ring and the clam, which lives on feces, sucks the ring clean. A true symbiotic relationship - shitter gets a shiny clean ring, clam gets a 5 star meal.

GGG, I`ve had tea with Yak butter in it in Tibet - bwaaaaaaghhhh! Never again.

Goat`s cheese is delicious, as is sheep`s cheese, we have many kinds here and from France.

Knob cheese, however, is something I`d never want to try.

Dumpster - don`t you think plungers at 10 paces is more apt in this case?

GGG - I`m sorry to say that a serving of your bwwaaarghhhh (sorry I just threw up) "lunch" would frighten me more than my forthcoming meeting, probably at dawn, with Dumpster.

Dumpster: firstly; I didn`t realise that I was insulting GGG, who I also, hopefully, consider a friend; secondly, I stand by my comment, this is a recipe for becoming a fat boy, a recipe for fools.

Sir, I accept your glove across my face. Name the place, date and weapons. I nominate doniker as my second, should he choose to accept.

I assume that our seconds can make suitable arrangements.

Until they can, I hope that we can continue with our cordial, if perhaps occaisionally irreverent exchanges.

Yours, etc.

I have completely the opposite problem. All houses that I fart in end up with their entire contents and structure reeking of my stinking bunghole.

As the actor Sean Connery might say - "A tale of love at firsht shite".

MPB - I like your grit in asking for your pickled ringpiece back.

Shitting for me is a time to ponder, to think of paintings I`m going to finish, to consider the plight of humanity, and to work out how I`m going to achieve world domination.

I`d rather get the revolver out DF.

C Everett Poop is certainly quite a wit
He doesn`t think that women ever take a shit
But what on earth would he do
If a lovely girl he knew
Laid a massive grogan and beat him up with it

You can be damn sure that I`ll never be found going into one of these crazy gas chambers, specially if the French have anything to do with them.

Interesting doniker - you remember "playing with and eating you own shit" when you were 2 years old. And now you don`t have the urge to do it again.

You have an amazing memory, I can`t remember anything before about 4 years old. And I know I didn`t eat my own stools.

So you`ve lost the urge now, but what was the fascination then - the flavour, the texture, or maybe it was better than the other crap you were being fed by your parents: we need to know.

GGG - I`m glad you were taking the piss with that recipe, anyone who would seriously think of making it is a complete and utter f***wit and deserves to be a huge fat bloater.

Ditto