I am of the opinion that tossing a piece of green ham to a dog is not much of a test of the ham's edibility. Years ago, when I lived in rural Tennessee, we had a dog that liked to drag home tidbits he picked up as he journeyed about in search of adventure.

On one of his trips he came across the decomposing skull of a groundhog which even the local vultures were avoiding. The bone was a pale shade of green and the odor emanating from this cranial tidbit could be detected at a distance of at least
50 yards upwind. The dog, whose name was Bertram Redneck, lay with this festering trophy between his paws and licked it for hours while wagging his tail to show his almost orgasmic pleasure.

Bertram was a face-licking dog. My family got some very good aerobic exercise
for the next several days as we ran wildly to and fro that we might avoid Bertram's defiled tongue. Oh.......the point of all this rambling is that Bertram showed no ill effects from this doggy gastronomic delight. I think his digestive system would have sneered at a mere piece of green ham.

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

CEP..........My sources, who must remain anonymous, tell me that uncle M is a Navy dentist and has been assigned, for the last several years, to the Naval Air Station in San Diego. Hope this doesn't leave you with a bad taste in your mouth.

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

Thanks to good old Google I respectfully
submit the following places that the "Bowel Bowl" could be played:

Slackbottom (Yorkshire UK)

Bear Butte (South Dakota USA)

Bumpass Creek (Alabama USA)

Fanny Bay (Australia)

Four Buttes (Montana USA)

Butt's Corner (New York USA)

If a pissing contest was to be held, it could be nowhere but:

Upper Piddle or Lower Piddle, both
located in (Worcestershire UK)

If there were an international contest in felatio it could be held in:

Lik Wang (China)

Knob Lick (Kentucky USA)

Humptulips (Washington State USA)

Cocksgag (Ohio USA)

A contest in cunnilingus would have to be held in:

Beaver Lick (Kentucky USA)

An Olympic farting contest could only be held in:

Gassville (Arkansas USA)

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

Whether the shit is on my buttocks or still in my colon makes no difference to me since I plan on being cremated as soon as I am declared dead.....that way no one will get stuck with an embalming bill, which is ridiculously expensive.

I have stipulated in my will that before cremation I must be declared "extremely dead", A flippant, "looks dead to me", or
a nonchalant, " by God, I believe he's
dead", is just not good enough. I can not stress how lacking those two pronouncements sound to me.

Before cremation I want to be declared,
irrevocably, permanently, terminally dead.
If doubt exists as to the degree of deadness I have undergone, I would appreciate it if my naked corpse be laid out in the hot sun by the side of the interstate. If my already corpulent body increases in size to approximately the size of the Hindenburg that will speak well for the state of my deadness.

If my usually foul aroma becomes such that it elicits comments in passer-bys such as, "Jesus fucking Christ, what's that smell?" I will be dead enough for the cremation oven.

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

Thanks to superb regularity I do the majority of my pooping at home. I do not mind pooping in public places within reason. I think that shitting on the 50 yard-line during a Titan's game and then taking a penalty flag from a ref to wipe my ass with might be a little uncomfortable.

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

Thunderbox.......I tried to get in the biological warfare unit but was told that my asshole was banned by the Geneva conventions.

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

Dear poopfan/chocolate what's his name, please don't leave us, we enjoy kicking you around. Don't take this all so seriously this is, after all, a poop humor site. If you must go, then pip pip, tallyho, what what and all that other British rot that I so enjoy.

I hope you are from Birmingham, I really enjoy a brummie accent. I myself have an American southern drawl , so...Yal stick around, ya heah!!

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

Dear poopfan, My fragile ego has been irreparably damaged by being omitted
from the "sux" list. I certainly hope this was an innocent oversight on your part and no real slight was intended.

I think we have successfully traced you to the UK thanks to your "Bugger off" comment. I am not sure about the application of the phrases, fuck off and bugger off. Is there some symbolism in the phrases that goes over my head. As you know already my interpretive skills of the symbolic are extremely lacking.

If you register and post a story I will read it and give it an honest appraisal in my comments.

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

Dear A fan of poop,

Thank you so much for your kind comments regarding my submissions to PR,
I assume that when you said I was an average writer at times you meant I was superb the rest of the time.

When you mentioned your "unbiased
opinion" I laughed until I farted. Your opinion is extremely biased in favor of new over old. I apologize for having different tastes in writing styles than you. Oh....by the way...I don't think your spell-check is working properly.

Chocolate's writings remind me somewhat of the later poetry of T. S. Elliot.
I love some of Elliot's earlier works but his later works used so much symbolism that they became unintelligible even to scholars. Have a nice day and don't forget to get that spell-check worked on.

Chocolate, Your story was well written and amusing but I didn't understand it. If you post another I guarantee that I will read it.

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

TSV..........You have spoiled the remnants of my sex-life with the comment you made above. About all I have left now is memories and a vivid imagination.

I have always been an "assman" and have a great appreciation for a particularly
well turned pair of glutei maximi. In my
geezerhood one of my few joys is going to the mall for "butt viewings".

Perched on a bench with my cap pulled down to hide my darting eyes I furtively
scan the derrieres of all the luscious young women who pass me. Ahhhhh...look at that one......how soothing it would be to run my old arthritic hands over those smooth, perfectly formed globes. Alas,
these musings are now consigned to the archives of my memory and have been replaced by less delightful thoughts.

After having read you post I now wonder; did that pretty ass drop a ten pound log before it came to the mall? Is the paint still peeling off her bathroom walls? Did her canary live through the aroma of her last bowel movement?

I will probably continue with my viewings but they will be less joyful. I am a dirty old man and plan on being one as long as possible, for the next stage in my development will be dead old man. I hope to postpone that as long as possible!

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

There is wisdom in what Doniker says.
One does not "itch" one's ass, the ass becomes itchy all by itself. The act of making the ass stop itching is called "scratching" the ass.

I try to never place my shit covered fingers anywhere near my nostrils. I would think the only reason this would ever be done would be in case you wanted to give yourself a "dirty Sanchez". I would doubt the intelligence of anyone that would do that to themselves.

My wife and I try to stay healthy so rather than chocolates we stick high fiber fruits and vegetables up each other's poop
chutes when a diversion from the boredom of every day life is felt necessary. The shape of the jalapeno makes it an ideal candidate.

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

There exists the possibility that what you saw was not a turd but a speckled brown sewer trout. If your commode is a weak flusher the trout is able to swim against the flow with ease. If you see it again make a grab for it. If it squishes in you grasp it was not a trout.......oops.

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

That magic time of year is here. The time when serious poopers forget their petty differences and focus on the all important issue. Who can force the emergence of the remnants of several days of nutrition to extrude from their nether regions in one long chunk?
Who can push out that crème de crème
of turds? I may have some useful information for all you who would accomplish this feat.

Years ago I was diagnosed with a probable peptic ulcer as a reason for pain in my abdomen. As it turned out, rather than an ulcer I was suffering from chronic appendicitis which was finally diagnosed when it became acute. While being treated for the nonexistent ulcer I was forced to
subsist on an entirely unsatisfactory diet
of bland foods and drink bottles and bottles of amphojel.

Amphojel is nothing but aluminum hydroxide. Aluminum is a metal. I am neither a chemist nor a physician but what I think this substance does, is turn what you eat into metal. There is no runny shit when you consume amphojel, rather than a turd you must excrete an ingot. An ingot so hard that it rips flesh when it comes out.
An ingot which, rather than being smooth,
has little metal shards sticking out it's sides. An ingot that makes it feel like you are shitting shrapnel.

I was in the service at this time of my life. I remember well sitting in the door- less stall, splintering the wood on both sides of the partition with my fingernails as I gave birth to a small metal turd wider than it was long. Toilet paper was of no concern at all, just a cotton ball to daub the blood off the tattered remnants of my asshole was sufficient..

Back to the stoolstice.....only you who are really serious should follow this advice. Take a lot of amphojel starting about 4 or 5 days prior to your stoolstice attempt. Take it for at least 2 full days. This will effectively plug your colon with a circular chunk of shit about the size of a softball and as hard as a piece of metal. You may then eat normally up to the evening meal of the last day before your attempt. For this meal eat all the fiber you can handle so that you might have the power to blast out the anal plug followed by an award winning length of poop the next day.

Stoolstice morning if you have any percodans, percosets, morphine, Demerol, opium, or any other legal or illegal painkillers, take them. Blowing the plug will be a painful experience but the length of the turd will hopefully bring you enough pride to compensate for you pain. My hat is off to any who attempt this rigorous regime. May the glory of your stoolstice turd make the tears running abundantly from your eyes worthwhile.

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

Old Martin, the pompous old ass,
had an eye that was made out of glass.
It got lodged in his gut,
then blown forth from his butt,
by a timely expulsion of gas.

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

A crusty old veteran of Seoul,
had a fake eye lodged in his hole.
It could have been worse,
he exclaimed to his nurse,
it could have been stuck in my pole!

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

I've looked up many a crack,
but never one that looked back.
Up Martin's ass
is an eye made of glass.
A previous odd midnight snack.

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

In the stall with no door? Try on the pot with no stall for a truly shameless, or shameful, experience.

All us guys who served in the military back in olden days had to contend with the row of thrones so close together your legs touched a buddy on both sides. I tried shitting at two or three in the morning but alas, half the guys in the barracks had the same idea. You get used to it after a few days of acute constipation.

Even worse, the chemical toilet crap with audience. I was flying cross country in a
C-130 Hercules back in the 1960s. There were only about 20 of us "space available" passengers sitting in jump seats along the sides of the plane facing the center. There was a stand up urinal immediately behind the cockpit but the only crapper was a chemical toilet that sat back on the tail ramp. It was about the size of a small kitchen trash can. One of the guys had to go, poor bastard. He was rather large and it looked like the toilet was going to go up his ass (or his ass was going to swallow the toilet). We tried not to look but the spectacle was hard to avoid.

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

Graffiti is as old as mankinds ability to express his/herself in writing. I can only imagine what emotions some of this ancient shithouse writing must have expressed.

Perhaps:

Pharoh sucks ass.

For a good time visit Cleopatra at the temple.

Cicero eats shit.

Socrates eats hemlock.

Diogenes is a square.

Goliath is a wuss.

Then there was the middle ages:

Forsooth varlet,
Little John waitest for thee at Notingham.

Meetest me in Sherwood forest
for a goodly tyme.

Well...you get the idea.

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

I think the unbleached coffee filters I have been using lately are actually recycled toilet paper.
That would account for the taste of my morning java lately.

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Eat chilies and feelthe burn!